It is so nice to have normality back. Ie school holidays being over!! After having one week of the holidays with no kids and being able to go to the gym everyday to the next week only going twice, today was nice to be able to go again without kids!! It is amazing really how far I have come in regards to the gym. A year and a half ago my weights were between 15-20kgs. Now they range from 30kgs to 75kg!! In all the times of going to gyms I have never ever gotten into weights before. I love it. No thats not true. I like the results. I said to Karen today as we are sweating away on fit balls and weights in our hands "I hate this, I would so much rather be sitting at home watching tv eating chips and chocolate" Oh course she comes up with "Yeah and you would still be 86kg" yeah ok she has a point.
In regards to the gym I am in a sticky point again. Renewal is due end of May. No way I can get the money for a year so 6 months is the only option. Hopefully!! $279 I have to find. I don't really have a choice. I can't not go to the gym. Not if I want to keep my fitness up. I can feel a major guilt trip coming up with this as I end up paying for it but stressing that I shouldn't have and used the money for something else. Oh well it is only money right???
My little lachie James is so sweet. Apart from the fact he told me he hated me and wanted to kill me because I hadn't purchased ice blocks was very good when he got home. I think by the end of the week he is going to be one very tired little chook. He did however have a very good day. I am proud of my kids though. They are all so independent and I got complimented on that by Laura's first teacher. She can't believe Lachlan is at school already either. They are all good kids. I would be so lost with out them. (hehehe they are all in bed and asleep at the moment so it is easy to say that!)
Monday, 30 April 2007
They are all grown up
All of my kids are now at school. When we got to school they all took off in front of me and I walked along watching them with their bags on their backs just walking along! I was thinking they are now all off to school. No more broken days of having to do kindy trips and childcare pickups. They are all in the same spot at the same time!!! yay!! lol
Of course a bit of sadness has been added to this as well. My little babies are growing up. This is the start of our new lives. Especially for Lachie and I. But........ i think the excitement of finally having all my kids at school out weighs any of that!! lol As mentioned earlier I think school is the best thing to happen to Lachlan so hopefully things will change at home! I can but live in hope.
Of course a bit of sadness has been added to this as well. My little babies are growing up. This is the start of our new lives. Especially for Lachie and I. But........ i think the excitement of finally having all my kids at school out weighs any of that!! lol As mentioned earlier I think school is the best thing to happen to Lachlan so hopefully things will change at home! I can but live in hope.
Sunday, 29 April 2007
The men in my life.
I have two guys in my life. Well sort of. First is G. I met him off the internet. Very bad he came to my house!!! But we hit it off as friend. We sort of came to an agreement fairly early on that we would only ever be friends. Ok so that relationship has come to include sex. Which is good for me because I have been able to trust again and not to feel like a piece of meat. Not the best of things to do morally. But the truth is I crave company so much that if it gets him here I will take it lol. But it isn't just the sex it is the whole before and after stuff as well. We do get on well and it isn't all about sex. We meet for coffee etc as well and also email and talk on msn lots. We just get on well. Thing is I have a huge crush on him. He knows this. We have talked about it. He says I would never be able to trust him. Probably true given that we were at it like rabbits while he had a girlfriend. Ummm ahhh you say. Yeah well I am not proud of it. I must admit also I would never ever cheat on my boyfriend and when it came close a few times to meeting number two we said oh this is the last time. G will always be in my life. How much in my life I don't know. I have never met any of his friends or family, like wise for mine. But in a way that is good. We both off load on each other. Maybe one day we will get together. It sometimes happens???? right????? Either way G has been a god send in that he has helped me see that I can trust guys again. That they do know how to respect women. He has never given me false expectations and has always been honest with me.
Second is J. I have known him for nearly two years. (just after I met G). I have never met him. Certainly not for the want of trying. I know J through the internet as well. I have never ever ever gotten on so well with someone as I do him. That is for male and and female. We really clicked. Well to be talking for nearly 2 years and still not have met must mean the we have something remotely in common for us to talk about. J has always been there for me in those 2 years. He comes from money and bloody lots of it. Consequently he doesn't work. (something to do with stock options on the internet) He has a son. So when I am home alone, sad and feeling sorry for myself he was always there. Always. We love music with the same passion, we love our kids to death and just everything else fell into place for us. Just little things. Ringing each other at the same time and getting engaged signals. That happened heaps. And many other little things that just screamed freaky but showed the connection between us. So why oh why you ask am I here telling you I am having sex with G and not with this guy! Well as aforementioned. We haven't met. He shys away from it every single time. We have had many an arguement over it and to this day I still don't understand why. The times between fights is now getting shorter and shorter. The length of times between not talking is getting longer. Yet we miss each other desperatly when this happens. His step father has just died a few weeks ago after a year long fight with cancer. This has always been his excuse this last year for not meeting but even though he is now dead there is no committment to meet being offered up. Ok sounds selfish but I am just sick of it all now. As much as I like the guy. I want a guy to want to meet me. Who can not wait to be with me. So ergo this is not the man for me. I am devestated by that. Mainly because I have no one else in my life. G is so bloody busy it isn't funny. So after having someone in my life albeit on the end of a phone etc full time to having nothing it hurts. Finally after many false break ups lol I think this is it. I finally deleted his phone numbers.
I guess some of you may just laugh at this and think I am sad. Well that maybe true but for me that phone relationship was all I had. And it was good. Shit it was great. We never ran out of things to talk about. if it wasn't for the fact that we hadn't met we were really like girlfriend and boyfriend. But it is done with now. And my life will change especially in the coming months and regardless of if I get into the cops or not I will be working and meeting new people.
So there you go. The two men in my life. And yet again another war and peace effort!!
Second is J. I have known him for nearly two years. (just after I met G). I have never met him. Certainly not for the want of trying. I know J through the internet as well. I have never ever ever gotten on so well with someone as I do him. That is for male and and female. We really clicked. Well to be talking for nearly 2 years and still not have met must mean the we have something remotely in common for us to talk about. J has always been there for me in those 2 years. He comes from money and bloody lots of it. Consequently he doesn't work. (something to do with stock options on the internet) He has a son. So when I am home alone, sad and feeling sorry for myself he was always there. Always. We love music with the same passion, we love our kids to death and just everything else fell into place for us. Just little things. Ringing each other at the same time and getting engaged signals. That happened heaps. And many other little things that just screamed freaky but showed the connection between us. So why oh why you ask am I here telling you I am having sex with G and not with this guy! Well as aforementioned. We haven't met. He shys away from it every single time. We have had many an arguement over it and to this day I still don't understand why. The times between fights is now getting shorter and shorter. The length of times between not talking is getting longer. Yet we miss each other desperatly when this happens. His step father has just died a few weeks ago after a year long fight with cancer. This has always been his excuse this last year for not meeting but even though he is now dead there is no committment to meet being offered up. Ok sounds selfish but I am just sick of it all now. As much as I like the guy. I want a guy to want to meet me. Who can not wait to be with me. So ergo this is not the man for me. I am devestated by that. Mainly because I have no one else in my life. G is so bloody busy it isn't funny. So after having someone in my life albeit on the end of a phone etc full time to having nothing it hurts. Finally after many false break ups lol I think this is it. I finally deleted his phone numbers.
I guess some of you may just laugh at this and think I am sad. Well that maybe true but for me that phone relationship was all I had. And it was good. Shit it was great. We never ran out of things to talk about. if it wasn't for the fact that we hadn't met we were really like girlfriend and boyfriend. But it is done with now. And my life will change especially in the coming months and regardless of if I get into the cops or not I will be working and meeting new people.
So there you go. The two men in my life. And yet again another war and peace effort!!
Saturday, 28 April 2007
here goes nothing
I posted to my google group today that I am good at pretending about my feelings. I let people know what is happening in my life but tend to pass it off as not a big deal. That I am handling it and all will be well. When in actual fact I struggle so much. So here is an attempt to not pretend, to let it all out and hopefully deal with it. I hate being negative but so much in my life seems to be. I struggle so much to stay postive. So although I visit pity town I do try not to take extended stays.
Sooooo..... lets get my issues out the way. The things that I struggle with. The first being my kids I guess. I love them to death and want the world for them but why do I spend most of the time yelling and getting angry at them. I do get a break from them. 4 nights in a fortnight. But when I have them I have them. There is no break. (although with Lachlan starting school that is changing) I feel guilty all the time that I get frustrated with them so much. When they are good they are great but geez they can drive me nuts. Fighting I hate the fighting.
I am working on things with them though. We as a single parent family are evolving. It is hard for them trying to work with 2 very different households. But I think most of the time we are making progress. (although other times I don't lol) I think that once Lachlan has been at school a while things will change a lot. He is the main cause of the fights around here so hopefully he will sort out a few things in regards to behaviour. (he copies so much from the other two so it will be a change for him to be around others for long periods of time)
Another issue is money. Well the lack of it. I have always struggled. I come from a family who have always struggled. I should be used to it by now. I guess I am but I loathe it. I would love to be able to not have to worry about paying my bills and having to say no to my kids. Geez I can't even give them pocket money. Again I know this is a changing thing. Soon I will be working and things will be different. However it doesn't make it easier at the moment.
My loneliness is another issue for me. I have worked out a lot of reasons for why I feel I need a man in my life. I come from a family that when I was growing up love was not freely shown. My brother was a huge problem. Constantly in trouble. I was the good kid. I moved out of home because my brother hit me but I was the one who got told off!! Even now my mum never says to me wow you have lost weight or your hair looks great that colour. I love my mum and dad to bits and are very close to them but they are just not that sort of person. Who knows why I am then. I want someone to want me. To want to spend time with me. To openly show how much they love me. To sit on the couch and watch DVD's. The whole companion thing. Having said that I don't want to live with someone right now and don't want them in my pockets. But just to know that I am someones and they are mine. I don't necessarily like feeling like this as why should I need a man? I am fine I can do it on my own. But I don't want to. After a 15 year relationship that in essence was total crap I sort of want to see what a real relationship is. To have someone say to me that I am beautiful just like I am. To have someone make love to me lovingly and not treat me like a piece of meat. (ok i am getting there with that but basically a fuck buddy isnt the same. Just to be blunt!)
Right I am finishing this war and peace effort because 1) it is miles to long now and 2) I am crying fit to burst.
I guess it doesn't matter if it is to long really does it because this is for me. If people don't want to read it because it is to long well that is their choice!
Sooooo..... lets get my issues out the way. The things that I struggle with. The first being my kids I guess. I love them to death and want the world for them but why do I spend most of the time yelling and getting angry at them. I do get a break from them. 4 nights in a fortnight. But when I have them I have them. There is no break. (although with Lachlan starting school that is changing) I feel guilty all the time that I get frustrated with them so much. When they are good they are great but geez they can drive me nuts. Fighting I hate the fighting.
I am working on things with them though. We as a single parent family are evolving. It is hard for them trying to work with 2 very different households. But I think most of the time we are making progress. (although other times I don't lol) I think that once Lachlan has been at school a while things will change a lot. He is the main cause of the fights around here so hopefully he will sort out a few things in regards to behaviour. (he copies so much from the other two so it will be a change for him to be around others for long periods of time)
Another issue is money. Well the lack of it. I have always struggled. I come from a family who have always struggled. I should be used to it by now. I guess I am but I loathe it. I would love to be able to not have to worry about paying my bills and having to say no to my kids. Geez I can't even give them pocket money. Again I know this is a changing thing. Soon I will be working and things will be different. However it doesn't make it easier at the moment.
My loneliness is another issue for me. I have worked out a lot of reasons for why I feel I need a man in my life. I come from a family that when I was growing up love was not freely shown. My brother was a huge problem. Constantly in trouble. I was the good kid. I moved out of home because my brother hit me but I was the one who got told off!! Even now my mum never says to me wow you have lost weight or your hair looks great that colour. I love my mum and dad to bits and are very close to them but they are just not that sort of person. Who knows why I am then. I want someone to want me. To want to spend time with me. To openly show how much they love me. To sit on the couch and watch DVD's. The whole companion thing. Having said that I don't want to live with someone right now and don't want them in my pockets. But just to know that I am someones and they are mine. I don't necessarily like feeling like this as why should I need a man? I am fine I can do it on my own. But I don't want to. After a 15 year relationship that in essence was total crap I sort of want to see what a real relationship is. To have someone say to me that I am beautiful just like I am. To have someone make love to me lovingly and not treat me like a piece of meat. (ok i am getting there with that but basically a fuck buddy isnt the same. Just to be blunt!)
Right I am finishing this war and peace effort because 1) it is miles to long now and 2) I am crying fit to burst.
I guess it doesn't matter if it is to long really does it because this is for me. If people don't want to read it because it is to long well that is their choice!
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