here goes nothing

I posted to my google group today that I am good at pretending about my feelings. I let people know what is happening in my life but tend to pass it off as not a big deal. That I am handling it and all will be well. When in actual fact I struggle so much. So here is an attempt to not pretend, to let it all out and hopefully deal with it. I hate being negative but so much in my life seems to be. I struggle so much to stay postive. So although I visit pity town I do try not to take extended stays.

Sooooo..... lets get my issues out the way. The things that I struggle with. The first being my kids I guess. I love them to death and want the world for them but why do I spend most of the time yelling and getting angry at them. I do get a break from them. 4 nights in a fortnight. But when I have them I have them. There is no break. (although with Lachlan starting school that is changing) I feel guilty all the time that I get frustrated with them so much. When they are good they are great but geez they can drive me nuts. Fighting I hate the fighting.

I am working on things with them though. We as a single parent family are evolving. It is hard for them trying to work with 2 very different households. But I think most of the time we are making progress. (although other times I don't lol) I think that once Lachlan has been at school a while things will change a lot. He is the main cause of the fights around here so hopefully he will sort out a few things in regards to behaviour. (he copies so much from the other two so it will be a change for him to be around others for long periods of time)

Another issue is money. Well the lack of it. I have always struggled. I come from a family who have always struggled. I should be used to it by now. I guess I am but I loathe it. I would love to be able to not have to worry about paying my bills and having to say no to my kids. Geez I can't even give them pocket money. Again I know this is a changing thing. Soon I will be working and things will be different. However it doesn't make it easier at the moment.

My loneliness is another issue for me. I have worked out a lot of reasons for why I feel I need a man in my life. I come from a family that when I was growing up love was not freely shown. My brother was a huge problem. Constantly in trouble. I was the good kid. I moved out of home because my brother hit me but I was the one who got told off!! Even now my mum never says to me wow you have lost weight or your hair looks great that colour. I love my mum and dad to bits and are very close to them but they are just not that sort of person. Who knows why I am then. I want someone to want me. To want to spend time with me. To openly show how much they love me. To sit on the couch and watch DVD's. The whole companion thing. Having said that I don't want to live with someone right now and don't want them in my pockets. But just to know that I am someones and they are mine. I don't necessarily like feeling like this as why should I need a man? I am fine I can do it on my own. But I don't want to. After a 15 year relationship that in essence was total crap I sort of want to see what a real relationship is. To have someone say to me that I am beautiful just like I am. To have someone make love to me lovingly and not treat me like a piece of meat. (ok i am getting there with that but basically a fuck buddy isnt the same. Just to be blunt!)

Right I am finishing this war and peace effort because 1) it is miles to long now and 2) I am crying fit to burst.
I guess it doesn't matter if it is to long really does it because this is for me. If people don't want to read it because it is to long well that is their choice!