It's my blog and I will whinge if I want to.....

I may have used that title already but stuff it I will use it again.

What is so fucking wrong with me. Am I really that unattractive? Is my personality so crap that no ones wants to know me? Why is it that Rachel can be on the net for all of 5 seconds and brag about how many men she has wanting her and yet not make one move to see me or my new house. I haven't seen her since I started work. Why do all the girls at work exchange phone numbers and see each other outside of work except me? Why am I the only one who has no life? Has no friends?

Why can't I just get used to my company and the kids? Just accept the fact that this is all there is? That I had my chance, a couple of times over and it didn't work and that is all there is.

Honestly there is no friend to talk to about how lonely I am. How much I just want someone special in my life. I really should become an actor because everyone just thinks I am good and well. And I am. I just get so sick of being alone. I am very very lonely. Perhaps that is why I keep myself so busy so I can hide how much that hurts me.

I don't know. I have been fine lately. Since I moved really. I have my moments but just this week more so, I guess certain things have triggered this. I will be good and something will set me off. I can't watch chick flicks anymore because they get me in this mood. I feel so worthless most of the time. In regards to having someone in my life. I think I am pretty good at my job and my role is evolving all the time. Least I now have that. I am just not good enough for a guy. Hey lets face it. I have had my chance and for whatever reason I was not good enough. Why did Matt feel the need to hit me? Call me names? Force himself on me? What part of my make up was not good enough for something other than that? Why wasn't I good enough for C? Why did he feel that the fact that his ex-wife didn't want me around he didn't want me either? And yet the next girl he fought for? lol J?.......God he couldn't even bring himself to meet me. I was not good enough even for him to make the effort to meet. Any sex is good sex is a comment G once made to me a long time ago. That sums that up really.

So the moral of that story is Kate you suck. The reason I have never ever had someone hold me and say i was beautiful is because it isn't true. I don't deserve that. I have had my chances and something with me just doesn't get that. I don't get that stuff. I am not good enough for that. It is coming up for four years since Matt and I split and here I am still single without even the hint of something there for me. So finally I get the picture. My head sees it all there in black and white. It is easy. All those rejections, all those put downs, how can you bounce back from that and say yes I deserve better. My heart breaks though. Just hoping that it will happen. When my head knows better.

Dropped like a sack of spuds

Matt has been hit with the enlightening stick and has decided not to pursue varying the court orders!!! Hoo bloody ray!

Had an idea it maybe coming Monday night when the kids told me that he had spoken to them asking them who they would rather stay with. Him or my mum and dad!! Well you can guess who the clean winner was there. So I rang my lawyer today and yes Matt had been in contact and does not want to go any further with it. So just have to sign some documents and send them into the court. The magistrate should be happy with that and we won't have to go back to court!!

So the two days off last week I had because of my cold I didn't get paid for!! I have to accrue sick leave! Damn. Just when I thought I was going to have a good week money wise! Things are better but not great. It is taking me a while to sort of get on top of the bills and debt I had when I was so far down the financial drainpipe I could not see the light. But I will get there now. It is not as dire as it use to be now and that is good. I know other people find it hard on such a low wage but for me I am earning more than I have before with the kids!! So it is nice.

Saw G Monday and he whipped me into gear. I am still struggling with my eating and am supposed to be writing it all down but I am not. I have decided not to rejoin the gym. I just can't get there. I need to stop feeling guilty about this and let it go. I will take out a casual membership and use it when I can which is about 3 or 4 times in a fortnight. I am doing taekwondo three times a week and I will try and walk when I can. Although I have to have an xray done on my foot as it has been sore when I run and walk fast for a while now and then last night after taekwondo it blew up like a balloon and was sore. So maybe I have a small fracture but I hope not. We shall see. I can't get to a place to do it until Monday. Hopefully it will be better by then.

That is it for me I guess for now. Life is just chugging along. Work is good. I am struggling to fit everything in still but time will cure that I guess.

Bloody Men

Been emailing this man for a little while and we have progressed to txt. If not for the cold I probably would have spoken to him. It has all been polite and good. He is funny. We have had a few sexual innuendos that started over me spitting not swallowing at work.

Anyway he txt me tonight to see how I was and I said I was heaps better but still had a Rudolf nose. His comeback was all that blowing. Yeah ok Ha ha. I said so many comments to that I could make but wont. Now he is pushing me to say something "naughty". Am I just being a prude? It is really turning me off as I have said nah I will leave it to your imagination and he is coming back with no come on tell me something I can go to sleep with!!!

Men just piss me off.

And can I just say J is in contact again. Not happy.

Sickie

Chucked my first sickie. I am really sick though but still feel horribly guilty. I got a cold at 2.00pm on Tuesday. How silly is that. It came on so quick. It was weird. Dad has had it, all the kids have it. But there was no way I could cope with standing around all day dealing with customers with this head thing going on.

No wonder I get a cold though. This man yesterday pulled out his crusty yuk hanky along with his change. Now I am not that bad. I know money is gross but that is life and hey it builds up your immune system. But this got me. I had some sanitiser in my bag so I went out the back and grabbed it. I think I will be keeping it on the register all the time now.

Everything is just going along here. Nothing major about from just being busy. I have decided to go casual at the gym. It is not worth the membership for the amount I am going. I hate that but it is my life now and until they get a half decent gym down this way I will just go when I can. Of course with this cold I am not doing anything. Taekwondo is twice a week and I am going to start the competition training on a Thursday night as well so that should be good. My weight is good. Well not good but ok. I am back down to what I was before I started at Dan's so I am ok with that. I just need to get it lower. I see Greg on Monday and he is going to kill me so hopefully I will be over this cold by then.

Onto completely other matters. Sorry!! I didn't see any of it yesterday but I am putting it out there and saying I don't agree with it. I agree it was a terrible thing that happened but do we need a huge song and dance around saying sorry. I don't think so. It is like Laura hitting Lachlan and getting Patrick to say sorry. I understand that people need the government to recognise that wrongs were made. That is part of healing and moving on. But the massive hype over the word sorry just ticks me.

The other thing that pisses me off is the Mitsubishi thing. The plant has closed down here in Adelaide and the government is going to do all it can to help support and find jobs for the workers. I think that sucks. I mean prime example is my work. The store has not done so far as good as people thought and some floor staff have been laid off. Will they get help? I highly doubt it. Why does it have to only be when big companies go under that the government helps people. Should everyone deserve the same treatment??

Ok rant over!

the big ol' slacker...

yes I know sorry sorry sorry. I talk about court and then after it all happens I don't update.

To save everyone reading the long and involved saga... the kids get to stay where they are.

Now for the whole story. First off I am late getting to my lawyers office. The traffic was crazy. Never seen it like that before. So he was cranky at me anyway. He was basically telling me as well that because I knew matt's objections and still went ahead I was going to be dead meat in court. (ok they weren't his words)

So the ideal outcome that he painted was that it would get adjourned for a trial and in the mean time the kids would have to go back to Reynella. Ian said though that this judge was fairly new to the family court and thought things through and was different to the others that have been there forever.

So when we finally get our turn. (you have to be there at 9.30) we get adjourned until 2.15 as it was going to be a lengthy argument. Dad, Karen and myself ended up at the Central markets and sat in a coffee shop for 3 hours!!

We finally saw the judge again at about 2.30. Matt got to say his part first. Saying that he was first told about the school in August and that is when the kids behaviour started becoming bad. That he had phoned me and tried to talk to me about it all but I wouldn't listen. Blah blah blah.

When it was Ian's turn he was great. Matt stood up at one point and the judge told him to sit back down as the judge would not be hearing from him again for a while. With the school thing the judge wanted more information about my housing and how permanent it was etc etc. So he was talking about adjourning it until Thursday to give us more time to put papers in. In that time the kids were to stay at Aldinga. Ian then mentioned that Matt had kept the kids home from school. The judge was not happy. He told Matt that if Matt had the best interests of the kids then they should have gone to school. He asked Matt why he didn't put them into school and Matt answered along the lines of well we weren't sure what the outcome would be so I didn't want them to go back to Aldinga if you were going to send them to Reynella. The way he worded it though was very arrogant. Needless to say the judge was unimpressed.

When the judge was talking about letting the kids stay until a decision was made Matt threw his arms up in the air and said well if that is the decision you are going to make then there is no point in continuing. He came so close to losing it.

When we came out Ian went up to Matt and asked him if he wanted to try and sort something out. Matt told him that there was no point as he had already tried. (geez he can bullshit) Ian just said ok and walked off. Matt a short time later came up to Matt and said yeah lets talk.

So the upshot was I have an injunction that I will not move the kids out of the school without Matt's written consent or court approval and that I will not move from the southern suburbs and in particular 65kms from the GPO. That bit pissed me off a bit but really I don't want to move and won't be for quite a while. And if there is a change in my circumstances that warrants me moving then I can take it back to court and would probably win.

In regards to Matt trying to get more time with the kids that as been set down for March 18th. Matt is so far out of his depth it isn't funny. Ian was sprouting off the case that I had no idea about. It basically is the case that lays it out that you can't vary orders unless there is a significant change in the circumstances. There isn't a change in the circumstances so it should be all fine. But there is no way Matt knew about the case. Fingers crossed he backs down on this one as well. He has 14 days to put in more documents. (more affidavits full of total crap) and then we have 14 days to put in my answer to that. Shall be interesting to see what he comes up with. He hasn't put much in so far and that was part of the reason for delaying it I think. His main argument at the moment is that I am working and mum and dad can't look after the kids. Well that won't cut any ice as there are so many grandparents going through the courts getting awarded residency of the kids.

I am sure he will try to bring up that I am unfit. That I drink to much, do drugs and have to many boyfriends!! Oh if only my life was that exciting!!