So what is every one's views on gut feelings? Over the years I haven't listen to, what I now think of as, my gut feeling. (sorry changing the font it is late I have had a couple of southern comforts and can't be bothered highlighting it all)
When I was pregnant with the kids I knew what I was having but at the time I didn't listen to that. Didn't trust it I guess. Looking back at how I felt I now know I was right.
I can't think of anything else really off the top of my head but just general things I know I think and then it is confirmed. I don't know.
I guess the reason I am putting it out there is because of D. When I talked to him it was so different. I remember saying to one of the girls at work about how different it was. So comfortable. Of course she talked me into meeting him a couple of days later. That date went so well. Just hit it off and everything was perfect. For people who have been reading for a while will remember that he txt me the next day saying basically I was a nice girl but..... Not those words but that is what it was like. I was devastated. But it all ended good when it turns out he did really want to be friends but nothing else. (see he has been verbally honest even if his actions haven't been lol)
It is like I have known that he is a good fit for me. (see how even now I refrain from saying he is the one) A gut feeling that it will all work out. Many things have happened during our time of knowing each other. Him of course seeking friends with other women. (he is honest with them as well) and me constantly telling myself that they all suck and i am the best one. And honestly so far I have been the best fit for him. I have been the package. But he still wants to be free to take off when he likes. Of course i can't do that because of my kids.
So I still have that feeling. Even though it is all cooled off and we really are just friends in words and actions if that makes sense. But is it my gut feeling or is it my clinging to something? That is what I hate. I thought I would be more upset by it all but I am not. I am sad but not like I thought. Maybe because we are still truly friends or maybe because my gut says it is not over.
I am talking to all these guys on the net and it is just not the same. The little clicky feelings are not there to say that I could fit with this person. D grounds me. For the want of better words. He settles and calms me when I need to be. He just fits and has from the minute I first talked to him. I just don't know what to do. I really don't want to wait around forever for something that may not be there. He doesn't need me waiting around at the moment. Or do I just keep talking to these other guys and meeting them and hope that that feeling will come.
I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like I am clinging to D. Just a matter of fact feeling that it is not over and there is more. Perhaps if I was upset and clingy I would say it is just me? Fuck knows. I really really don't. I do know that I am wanting someone in my life. Happy is what I want to be. If nothing else D have really given me an insight into what I am really looking for. And that in turn is being told to these guys I am talking to. Stuff wasting time saying yes I want friends blah blah. Yeah I do want it to start as friends but they need to know ultimately I want that friendship to turn into more.
I need my prince charming to set off all those "gut feelings" in me and for him to be prepared to offer what I want. Mmmmm I wonder if that is indeed really possible?
who the fuck knows. Cos I most certainly don't
Friday 24 April 2009
Thursday 23 April 2009
Going private......again
Yes I did come out of hiding for a bit but when I see that someone came here direct. From Morphett Vale that concerns me a little bit. Bit to close to home.
So people who want to keep reading need to make sure I know about it and I will mark that in the permissions when I go private
So people who want to keep reading need to make sure I know about it and I will mark that in the permissions when I go private
I'm not dead yet.........
Yeah I know I haven't put anything here for a while. I am actually feeling very overwhelmed at the moment and really struggling with everything. I am just so far behind on my study and just have no drive to do it. I need to find it and get it back.
So what has been happening? Lots and not much really. First week of the school holidays D and I spent a huge amount of time together. I had no kids, I took time off work. We stayed in a swanky hotel and drove to Clare! The Wednesday night I was supposed to catch up with G. It fell through but I hadn't spoken to D about it and then later that night I missed his phone call. I finally called him back in the morning with his first question being "Did you sleep with him" After that I felt that he had backed off. Very friend like. Thursday night was the night at the Allegra. It was lovely but not as nice as it could have been. It made me realise how much more I want. I wanted to be there with a man who really loved me etc. We had a great time but it really would have been better for me if it was someone who did love me. The next day we drove to Clare. Lots of time in the car to talk. He still is not ready for a relationship. Told me that he had thought of sleeping with T (another woman he befriended but had always told me he wasn't interested sexually in her). That of course upset me. But he said he felt he wasn't free because he was worried about me. He still wants to go off and do what he wants when he wants.
He said that he had lead me up the garden path so much and he sees how that is going to hurt me as well has stop him doing what he wants to do. He is right in everything he says of course. But the thing is he gets so close the whole relationship thing then backs away as soon as it starts feeling like it. So bit of a circle really.
Anyway we had a great day in Clare. We came home and went out to dinner and then he spent the night at my house. And that is it really. It is a bit like when we first met. No contact, not seeing each other much. Almost giving each other the silent treatment.
Having said that though I had to have ultrasounds the other day. There was a chance that I would have to have an internal ultrasound so D came with me. Nothing showed up on the first one so I had to have the internal. Yuk. D was great though. Really great. We then went back to his house and hung out for a bit. Chatted. Who knows if he will ever pick me to be the one when he is ready but we will see. In the mean time I am still looking. Bit sad about the whole situation. I don't really know what is going on in his head. We spent so much time together and now not to be spending as much, I miss it. And to have not had a fight or anything to be angry about. We are friends and I love that and if I need him he will be here in flash. If he wants me he knows where to find me though. If I am still free that is.
He goes away on the 10th for 6 weeks. We will see what happens when he comes back. I am going to see him off at the airport. While he is gone I will still visit his mum and the old lady he lives with. I like his mum. She is just lovely. In fact I really like all his family.
everything else is good. Just busy and I just want really a week or two of sitting at home with nothing to do. A few days without kids and a few days with kids would be great. I am craving some guilt free time at the moment with no hope of having it anytime soon. Maybe next school holidays when the semester is finished?
I am hoping to take the kids to QLD in Oct. Excited and scared at the same time. It is hard doing something like that by myself. My kids are still kids. I can't talk to them like adults and to spend a week by myself on a holiday with them is a bit scary. I was talking to D about it the other day and he understood. He also said if he was still like he is now (free!) he would come with me! (yeah I know! Go Figure!)
So what has been happening? Lots and not much really. First week of the school holidays D and I spent a huge amount of time together. I had no kids, I took time off work. We stayed in a swanky hotel and drove to Clare! The Wednesday night I was supposed to catch up with G. It fell through but I hadn't spoken to D about it and then later that night I missed his phone call. I finally called him back in the morning with his first question being "Did you sleep with him" After that I felt that he had backed off. Very friend like. Thursday night was the night at the Allegra. It was lovely but not as nice as it could have been. It made me realise how much more I want. I wanted to be there with a man who really loved me etc. We had a great time but it really would have been better for me if it was someone who did love me. The next day we drove to Clare. Lots of time in the car to talk. He still is not ready for a relationship. Told me that he had thought of sleeping with T (another woman he befriended but had always told me he wasn't interested sexually in her). That of course upset me. But he said he felt he wasn't free because he was worried about me. He still wants to go off and do what he wants when he wants.
He said that he had lead me up the garden path so much and he sees how that is going to hurt me as well has stop him doing what he wants to do. He is right in everything he says of course. But the thing is he gets so close the whole relationship thing then backs away as soon as it starts feeling like it. So bit of a circle really.
Anyway we had a great day in Clare. We came home and went out to dinner and then he spent the night at my house. And that is it really. It is a bit like when we first met. No contact, not seeing each other much. Almost giving each other the silent treatment.
Having said that though I had to have ultrasounds the other day. There was a chance that I would have to have an internal ultrasound so D came with me. Nothing showed up on the first one so I had to have the internal. Yuk. D was great though. Really great. We then went back to his house and hung out for a bit. Chatted. Who knows if he will ever pick me to be the one when he is ready but we will see. In the mean time I am still looking. Bit sad about the whole situation. I don't really know what is going on in his head. We spent so much time together and now not to be spending as much, I miss it. And to have not had a fight or anything to be angry about. We are friends and I love that and if I need him he will be here in flash. If he wants me he knows where to find me though. If I am still free that is.
He goes away on the 10th for 6 weeks. We will see what happens when he comes back. I am going to see him off at the airport. While he is gone I will still visit his mum and the old lady he lives with. I like his mum. She is just lovely. In fact I really like all his family.
everything else is good. Just busy and I just want really a week or two of sitting at home with nothing to do. A few days without kids and a few days with kids would be great. I am craving some guilt free time at the moment with no hope of having it anytime soon. Maybe next school holidays when the semester is finished?
I am hoping to take the kids to QLD in Oct. Excited and scared at the same time. It is hard doing something like that by myself. My kids are still kids. I can't talk to them like adults and to spend a week by myself on a holiday with them is a bit scary. I was talking to D about it the other day and he understood. He also said if he was still like he is now (free!) he would come with me! (yeah I know! Go Figure!)
Tuesday 7 April 2009
The Weekend
So the weekend was really a bit of a mixed bag. Saturday I met up with D and his mum and his little son to go to a fate. I really shouldn't have gone. The kids had been feral in the morning and had really really worn me down and I was feeling horrible. But we went. The kids had fun. They had their first camel ride which they enjoyed. After that we went to a playground.
The afternoon D came over because I was going to cook him dinner. Well he ended up cooking of course. Damn having a friend for a cook. We managed to get a bit drunk. Well that was my aim anyway because I had had such a crap day. He stayed the night and again ended up cooking in the morning. Yummy yummy proper poached eggs. He managed to impress Patrick by breaking a egg with each hand at the same time!!
We went for a drive to Second Valley which was just lovely. I forgot my camera which I was kicking myself for. We went for a little walk and then sat and watch the kids catch some little crabs in the rock pools. We then made our way to Rapid Bay. It drizzled a bit but generally it was nice. We went for a bit of a walk and all skimmed stones into the sea.
After that we stopped for lunch and let the kids play on a playground. The funny thing that happened there was that D went to go to the loo. When he got there Lachlan was in there talking away to himself. But D thought Patrick was in there with him. D yelled out to them in a funny voice saying What are you doing in there and banged on the door. This little voice came out with nothing and stop making that noise. Next thing the door flys open and Lachlan sprints out. Lol D yelled out to Lachlan and then poor Lachlan realised it was just D. But then D realised only Lachlan was in there and he had managed to scare the shit out of him.
Last night D and I finally after many failed attempts found a chinese restaurant that we love. I had garlic king prawns for an entree. My god it was massive. D had satay beef and he ended up with 3 which is different as other places it is usually just 2. Then the tester. Honey chicken. So many have failed but this was perfect. So now we have found somewhere, next time I can order something else.
After that we went to Woolworths and got a cornetto and went and looked at cars. Freezing cold but nice. We then went back to his place to watch a movie. Where of course I fell asleep. I was so tired. But that was fine.
This Friday we are shut at work being Easter and all so we are having a big do at one of the guys house. Should be good. Then apart from 3 hours Monday morning I am not back at work until Wednesday and then I have a half day Thursday and spend the night in town with D. So have Friday off. I can't wait. I am trying to find a nice dress to wear or at least lose weight to fit into a dress I have here. Of course for that to happen I have to stop eating the amount I do!!!
D booked his trip today. 10th May - 20th June. I am so glad he is going but going to miss him so much which he is gone. Should get some study done though lol. Maybe when he comes back he will have some things sorted out. I know my kids put him off a bit. He is not wanting the whole package at the moment. But lets face it he is not wanting anything with anyone. I am the only one in his life really despite numerous other dates nothing has ever come from them. I have known him nearly 6 months. I can't believe that.
The afternoon D came over because I was going to cook him dinner. Well he ended up cooking of course. Damn having a friend for a cook. We managed to get a bit drunk. Well that was my aim anyway because I had had such a crap day. He stayed the night and again ended up cooking in the morning. Yummy yummy proper poached eggs. He managed to impress Patrick by breaking a egg with each hand at the same time!!
We went for a drive to Second Valley which was just lovely. I forgot my camera which I was kicking myself for. We went for a little walk and then sat and watch the kids catch some little crabs in the rock pools. We then made our way to Rapid Bay. It drizzled a bit but generally it was nice. We went for a bit of a walk and all skimmed stones into the sea.
After that we stopped for lunch and let the kids play on a playground. The funny thing that happened there was that D went to go to the loo. When he got there Lachlan was in there talking away to himself. But D thought Patrick was in there with him. D yelled out to them in a funny voice saying What are you doing in there and banged on the door. This little voice came out with nothing and stop making that noise. Next thing the door flys open and Lachlan sprints out. Lol D yelled out to Lachlan and then poor Lachlan realised it was just D. But then D realised only Lachlan was in there and he had managed to scare the shit out of him.
Last night D and I finally after many failed attempts found a chinese restaurant that we love. I had garlic king prawns for an entree. My god it was massive. D had satay beef and he ended up with 3 which is different as other places it is usually just 2. Then the tester. Honey chicken. So many have failed but this was perfect. So now we have found somewhere, next time I can order something else.
After that we went to Woolworths and got a cornetto and went and looked at cars. Freezing cold but nice. We then went back to his place to watch a movie. Where of course I fell asleep. I was so tired. But that was fine.
This Friday we are shut at work being Easter and all so we are having a big do at one of the guys house. Should be good. Then apart from 3 hours Monday morning I am not back at work until Wednesday and then I have a half day Thursday and spend the night in town with D. So have Friday off. I can't wait. I am trying to find a nice dress to wear or at least lose weight to fit into a dress I have here. Of course for that to happen I have to stop eating the amount I do!!!
D booked his trip today. 10th May - 20th June. I am so glad he is going but going to miss him so much which he is gone. Should get some study done though lol. Maybe when he comes back he will have some things sorted out. I know my kids put him off a bit. He is not wanting the whole package at the moment. But lets face it he is not wanting anything with anyone. I am the only one in his life really despite numerous other dates nothing has ever come from them. I have known him nearly 6 months. I can't believe that.
Wednesday 1 April 2009
Just another ramble
The weekend just gone Raina made the trip to Adelaide. It was so great she did. We had a great time. Just like two friends chatting. Not two people who have only ever communicated over the Internet and never met. We had a great day. Just out and about a bit and lots of sitting and talking. She is a wonderful woman. It was really good to meet her son as well. He is a great young man. Especially putting up with lots of sitting and listening to us yak.
My roast dinner with D was interesting. I have always said to him there may come a time when I will get sick of it all and walk away. Saturday night he told me he was going out again with a woman he had met. He of course was very quick to assure me nothing would be going on with her and he was not looking for anything blah blah. Very sincere and I believe him. Because that is us. We are very honest and open and he tells me everything. I am not worried about him. I know he won't have sex with her etc. But she may like him. They may get on well together and will build something up.
Anyway the next morning over breakfast I told him that I thought I was getting closer to walking away from him. We talked about it a bit and I got up in the end and went to the bathroom to have a bit of a sook. He however rattled around the house, singing at the top of his voice, as if he didn't have a care in the world. Of course that upset me even more. I eventually came out of the bathroom and he said oh love this song come into the lounge room and listen to it before we leave. Of course we talked again. And I found out he does give a shit. He said you are dumping me! And he had real tears. I didn't really pay attention to it because I didn't think he would cry when he said see you have made me cry. OMG the man with a heart of steel does give a little shit and does not want to lose me. So we talked and talked some more. (Lol sorry Raina that as you know is why I took so long to get back to you!) Outcome that I will hang around longer.
The next night though when we spoke on the phone I really quizzed him about this woman. Turns out she kissed him. They spent ages together blah blah. He got a bit annoyed that I was quizzing him so much. Rightly so as I knew right from the beginning he is just flitting around.
I spent all bloody Monday at work sorting out what I was going to do with him. We get on so well. He doesn't want to lose me but is not ready to commit to a full on relationship (although it feels like we are in one sometimes and he has said that as well and it scares him). He will see this other woman. He is going overseas and will do what he likes. Do I walk away or what. In the end I decided to not walk away. I am better than this woman (long story about the people D and I are) and I will continue to be his friend and time will tell. But I will deal with my feelings. He has told me what he is doing so they are my feelings that need to be sorted not anything he does.
Monday afternoon he was spying on my kids for me as it was the first time they were walking home from school alone. So when I got home he was there with the kids having a blast watching playschool lol. Anyway when he left he said to me now we are alone I will show you something that I sent to someone. I started to freak out thinking great he really likes this woman etc. The txt he said was yeah enjoyed your company but it is only for mates that is all. Everything I has sorted out in my head was spot on. I really need to trust my instincts more. They always seem to turn out right but I never listen to them.
D came over last night and we had the nicest night. Just talking etc. Making plans. The night in town, the camping with the kids and him coming to qld in Oct. Yes it seems that he is very keen to come with us. He is helping me sort out some stuff with my kids and I love that. He stayed the night again. And again I had to leave him sleeping while I went to work. Which sucked but that is life.
We are such a good fit. He loves spending time with me. I make him feel so relaxed and happy, he says. We never argue. We just talk stuff through. We know where we stand with one another and I can't wait to see what happens when he gets back from his trip. Which he has shortened again to 4 weeks lol. He has also invited me to to Perth for his son's 18th birthday. We are good. And I just have to keep having that confidence and patience for now. He doesn't want to lose me he just needs to get a few things out of the way and then he will be ready. He told me last night that by the end of the year he will be settled. Which is a move from next year he will be settled lol.
So looking forward as usual to the stuff happening in my life. Now if only I could fit study in amongst it lol
My roast dinner with D was interesting. I have always said to him there may come a time when I will get sick of it all and walk away. Saturday night he told me he was going out again with a woman he had met. He of course was very quick to assure me nothing would be going on with her and he was not looking for anything blah blah. Very sincere and I believe him. Because that is us. We are very honest and open and he tells me everything. I am not worried about him. I know he won't have sex with her etc. But she may like him. They may get on well together and will build something up.
Anyway the next morning over breakfast I told him that I thought I was getting closer to walking away from him. We talked about it a bit and I got up in the end and went to the bathroom to have a bit of a sook. He however rattled around the house, singing at the top of his voice, as if he didn't have a care in the world. Of course that upset me even more. I eventually came out of the bathroom and he said oh love this song come into the lounge room and listen to it before we leave. Of course we talked again. And I found out he does give a shit. He said you are dumping me! And he had real tears. I didn't really pay attention to it because I didn't think he would cry when he said see you have made me cry. OMG the man with a heart of steel does give a little shit and does not want to lose me. So we talked and talked some more. (Lol sorry Raina that as you know is why I took so long to get back to you!) Outcome that I will hang around longer.
The next night though when we spoke on the phone I really quizzed him about this woman. Turns out she kissed him. They spent ages together blah blah. He got a bit annoyed that I was quizzing him so much. Rightly so as I knew right from the beginning he is just flitting around.
I spent all bloody Monday at work sorting out what I was going to do with him. We get on so well. He doesn't want to lose me but is not ready to commit to a full on relationship (although it feels like we are in one sometimes and he has said that as well and it scares him). He will see this other woman. He is going overseas and will do what he likes. Do I walk away or what. In the end I decided to not walk away. I am better than this woman (long story about the people D and I are) and I will continue to be his friend and time will tell. But I will deal with my feelings. He has told me what he is doing so they are my feelings that need to be sorted not anything he does.
Monday afternoon he was spying on my kids for me as it was the first time they were walking home from school alone. So when I got home he was there with the kids having a blast watching playschool lol. Anyway when he left he said to me now we are alone I will show you something that I sent to someone. I started to freak out thinking great he really likes this woman etc. The txt he said was yeah enjoyed your company but it is only for mates that is all. Everything I has sorted out in my head was spot on. I really need to trust my instincts more. They always seem to turn out right but I never listen to them.
D came over last night and we had the nicest night. Just talking etc. Making plans. The night in town, the camping with the kids and him coming to qld in Oct. Yes it seems that he is very keen to come with us. He is helping me sort out some stuff with my kids and I love that. He stayed the night again. And again I had to leave him sleeping while I went to work. Which sucked but that is life.
We are such a good fit. He loves spending time with me. I make him feel so relaxed and happy, he says. We never argue. We just talk stuff through. We know where we stand with one another and I can't wait to see what happens when he gets back from his trip. Which he has shortened again to 4 weeks lol. He has also invited me to to Perth for his son's 18th birthday. We are good. And I just have to keep having that confidence and patience for now. He doesn't want to lose me he just needs to get a few things out of the way and then he will be ready. He told me last night that by the end of the year he will be settled. Which is a move from next year he will be settled lol.
So looking forward as usual to the stuff happening in my life. Now if only I could fit study in amongst it lol
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