Also like to say

That my children have been the most horrible, selfish, fighting, disrespectful children that ever lived and I have had the worst weekend because of that. I suck at being a mum and at the moment I hate it. Being a single mum is the worst job in the world and I want to quit. I am so over everything. Life really shouldn't be this hard it really shouldn't. I want out.

So now what

So yeah he has a girlfriend. I went around there and he never said a word. We were good. He kissed me. Peck on the lips. We play fought. Have I said all this already? Anyway then I find out about the girlfriend.

So he was going to do my brakes today. I txt him Friday saying what time. He told me he wasn't sure has he was going to a party the night before and didn't know what state he would be in. I replied with no worries it is daylight savings so it didn't matter if it was late. I txt him yesterday with no reply saying I have the brakes. I will be home all day and I will see him when I see him Sunday. It is now nearly 6.30 and he is not here and has not contacted me. Why do I deserve to be treated like this. I am so pissed off at him.

Now to the other news. I went back on the dating site. And broke my rule. I accepted contact with a 25 year old. And we have freaking hit it off. I don't know what to do. We have been talking all yesterday and a lot of today. He lives an hour and half away which sucks especially as he lost his licence for dui. Arghhh. Everything else is great though.

G has told me to take it steady this time and I want to but it is really hard when this guy is so nice. I don't trust what he says. And he knows that but shit it is still nice to hear, especially from a young guy. We have web cammed it a couple of times. All clean of course. And he has seen me at my worst. First thing in the morning. It is freaking me out really. I have thrown everything at him. Every negative thing I can think of. Sort of like if he knows it all and decides to back out now I won't be as hurt as much. Rather than he gets it later and then runs when I am in deep.

I am angry and upset at A. I don't want him back for the simple reason I can't trust him. And now I can't trust any guy. All my insecurities are just screaming and then add to that that this guy is 10 years younger than me. Why oh why would he want me. He says he wants a woman who has her feet on the ground and won't mess him around. I did inform him that older women do that as well I am sure. But there you go. I don't want to hurt him but I need to look out for me as well and remember that. He is so nice though. Lol just like A was. I love it when we talk but I just don't trust it as well.

He is down this way tomorrow so he is popping into work. But we have our first date on Saturday. Breakfast. It is a bit different this time given we have sort of met because of the camera. But even so. I just do not know what I am doing. No clue.

How quickly I mean nothing

A has a new girlfriend. Met her a week and a half ago. He has even come off the dating site. Never did that for me. Just goes to show how much I meant to him.

don't want to be here

So just do not want to be here. Already my weekend looms ahead full of loneliness and nothingness. I knew this would happen. I just want to pack up and go away. Realistically though I know it will be the same everywhere but least I would be away from A.

I don't know what is going on. Well I guess I do. We are friends. He txt me before I got on the plan, and we have been in contact while I have been away. But I want more than that. He offered me so much and then just took it all away. I am supposed to be catching up with him at some point hopefully tonight but I am so stressed about it. I don't want to know if he is seeing other girls but I do want to know. I don't know how it is going to be around him. I haven't seen him since he ended the relationship.

I am just sick of it all. I do want someone in my life and I just can't see it happening. I hate feeling like this. I wish in a way I had never met A because he showed me what could happen and then it feels like I can't ever have it.

I am over pretending but what else can I do? No one who hasn't not been in this situation can ever even attempt to understand it. And most people around me haven't been in this situation.

I am so so very over this.


Queensland was great. The kids drove me insane but I did knew they would. But it was fantastic. It was so good to see Raina again. And I met one of her daughters as well which was good. It was nice to be able to relax and chat. The kids had a great time. We are all so very tired. I do just want to pack up and move away from here. Just to start again. Yes it is called running away. But even though that is not an option it feels like the only one I have and I don't even have that at the moment. That doesn't make sense but it does to me.

Struggling

Just seem to be having a bad day today. I am excited about going to Qld and seeing Raina. But I don't want to come home to my life as it is now.

I was just at the shops. Because it is school holidays there are all these families there and it just hurt so much because I don't have that. I want so much to settle down with someone who loves me and the kids. Who wants to be with me. And just everything that goes with that. I thought A was that. He told me he wanted that with me. And of course that turned to crap and what he said and what he really meant were two different things.

I want someone to miss me while i am gone. I want to receive the lovely txt messages while I am away saying I am thinking of you. All the things that A did. Until about 2 weeks before it ended. I am still grappling with what happened. We were so good when we were together. How can it all just turn to crap? I just can't stop thinking about him and it all.

To make matters worse I saw a lady that looked like my nana at the shops and I realised how much I miss her has well. Just to sit and talk to her. She would tell me everything was going to be ok.

It is the good thing about going away with Raina. Least she understands. No one else does here. So it is the whole pretend game happening. There is no point saying anything because people really have no clue how hard it is to be alone. To not have the one person in your life that is your life. Yes I probably sound pathetic but all those that are thinking that are probably the ones who have that person. Yes they may go away for work etc but least you know they love you and are there for you. I don't have that.

I haven't cried for ages so perhaps I just needed a good cry? I don't know. But just right now even though I am taking the kids on their first holiday by ourselves I feel like shit. I then feel guilty because I feel like I shouldn't feel like this because really ever other part of my life is good. But there you go. I want someone in my life. I want someone who does all the things that A did. You know that list? I want that again.

Ploding along

Not much happening really. I am doing ok. I have my ups and downs.

Monday J took me to Goolwa and Pt Elliot for the day which was lovely. Brought way to many second hand books but oh well.

Tuesday I went to see District 9 with G. That was interesting, both the movie and G. He has so much crap happening that makes my life look simple lol.

Friday I finally caught up with Keri from work. (she works at another store now) That was really good. We gossiped about work. M is leaving work. He is the manager I just really really do not get along with. However, another girl is coming in who has a bit of a reputation, for sleeping around with the guys at work and for throwing her weight around. So not sure how it is going to go.

Got the kids back yesterday. They are about normal. Not to bad. Lachlan is his usual argumentative self. Today we had a breakthrough though. He went and accepted his 7 minute timeout without fuss. That was amazing. Normally he argues and it gets out of hand.

So that is about it really. I know A is not really doing much. He took offense at being called a shit on facebook. I didn't call him a shit just men in general. So that came out a bit. But I know from facebook he is not doing much. Just chatting to old army friends I think. So hopefully he is getting a bit bored without me around.

When I come back from Qld I will just go around there one day. See what happens. We are supposed to be friends. Both Keri and G think that he will come back at some point. I am not holding my breath.

Three more sleeps until Qld. I do not know how I am getting through the next few days. I have had to spend money on clothes and shoes for the kids so that is more money I am not taking away. But with the theme parks and the waterfalls in the national park I want to see I should get by fairly cheaply. (just have to make sure there is enough money for the cocktails hehehe)