Struggling

Just seem to be having a bad day today. I am excited about going to Qld and seeing Raina. But I don't want to come home to my life as it is now.

I was just at the shops. Because it is school holidays there are all these families there and it just hurt so much because I don't have that. I want so much to settle down with someone who loves me and the kids. Who wants to be with me. And just everything that goes with that. I thought A was that. He told me he wanted that with me. And of course that turned to crap and what he said and what he really meant were two different things.

I want someone to miss me while i am gone. I want to receive the lovely txt messages while I am away saying I am thinking of you. All the things that A did. Until about 2 weeks before it ended. I am still grappling with what happened. We were so good when we were together. How can it all just turn to crap? I just can't stop thinking about him and it all.

To make matters worse I saw a lady that looked like my nana at the shops and I realised how much I miss her has well. Just to sit and talk to her. She would tell me everything was going to be ok.

It is the good thing about going away with Raina. Least she understands. No one else does here. So it is the whole pretend game happening. There is no point saying anything because people really have no clue how hard it is to be alone. To not have the one person in your life that is your life. Yes I probably sound pathetic but all those that are thinking that are probably the ones who have that person. Yes they may go away for work etc but least you know they love you and are there for you. I don't have that.

I haven't cried for ages so perhaps I just needed a good cry? I don't know. But just right now even though I am taking the kids on their first holiday by ourselves I feel like shit. I then feel guilty because I feel like I shouldn't feel like this because really ever other part of my life is good. But there you go. I want someone in my life. I want someone who does all the things that A did. You know that list? I want that again.