Has dropped off the planet

And doesn't really care much

Shit for Brains

So yes this is the longest that I have left it without saying anything. And now it is to rant and rave about my dickhead ex husband.

So Sunday night I had mum and dad look after my kids overnight so I could go to a farewell drinks thing for a girl at work. I rarely get mum and dad to look after them unless it is because I am working.

The kids were at SFB last night. Of course once he found out that mum and dad looked after the kids it was on. He told the kids I was a skank etc etc. I got txt messages from the kids saying they never want to go to his house again.

I found out today that he was telling them that they were fucking twits and he didn't want to know them. That where I live is full of fat single mums. They can do what they like because they don't exist. He constantly swore at them and carried on.

Not sure what I am going to do. I will have to ring him tomorrow while he is at work and leave a message telling him that the kids don't want to see him or be with him at the moment.

Of course there is a downside to all of this. If I didn't have a life before, I really won't have one now. I am going to be dead. And that is a really selfish view I know but it is really hard to work 9 hours, come home and cook and clean and sort the kids, with no break. But the kids come first and I am going to have to suck it up. They can not be around shit like that, they just can't.

Nothing has changed.

Still feeling the same. Yuk and yuk and yuk. Work is good at the moment as it takes my mind of shit. I haven't had the kids this week and it has been good. Just come home and go to bed.

Last night I met a guy who I went to school with. We caught up on facebook. Turns out his parents live not far from me. It was nice to catch up. The only catch is that he is married yet his marriage is on its last legs and they are just holding out till Christmas. So he is txting me a lot etc. Which is all nice of course but he is unavailable. He keeps flirting a little which again is nice but not good. even if he does split with his wife I don't want someone straight out of a 13 year marriage. So I am keeping him at arms distance etc. But like in school we get on well and of course i like the attention. But on the other hand it upsets me as I just feel shit because only people like that want me. It is only because he and his wife are at each other and my life etc looks pretty good. I am under no illusions. Hence keeping him at bay. He wanted to catch up again this morning but i said no.

So yeah it is still sucky. I still haven't even put the Christmas tree up and still don't want to. NO doubt the kids will want to though.

So sorry there is not much more news. But basically my life is shit. I work I sleep. When the kids come home I will work. I will come home negotiate fights and then sleep. How exciting huh?

over it over it over it.

I have had enough. I am sick of everything. I just want to sleep until all the bad bits are over. And considering I have been saying that for many many years I don't see it happening anytime soon.


I can't believe I am at this point again in my life where I just so foul and yuk. Totally worthless and just a big fat nothing.

I don't want to do christmas. Ha what am I talking about I am not doing christmas anyway. M has fucked it all up yet again and I see the kids from 4pm Christmas day and then they go back to his house 10am the next morning. Christmas will be spent alone. Which is probably just as well.

Life sucks it really really does and I am over it.

Yes it has been a while

So yes I know it has been quite a while. I guess I just haven't been in the mood to right anything.

So where to start? I am guessing with Mr 25. Things are going well. I still have my doubts. I do not trust at all. Which makes things really really hard for him. He knows how I feel. We went out a couple of weeks ago and had a great weekend. He met the kids last Sunday and that all went well. We have been spending all this weekend together as well. So what are the problems?

He does live so far away and of course has no bloody licence. I hate that. He is relying on trains and buses. Another thing has cropped up as well which means I no longer have all my weekends free. (I will go into that in a minute) So therefore he is concerned he is not going to see me as much and we are not seeing each other that much now. He was worried that I would keep my walls up for to long. But they are coming down. Albeit slowly. But now I know he is really concerned about not seeing me as much. So now I just feel it slipping away. Just after I let my heart open up a bit. It is really killing me and I have decided that I will speak to him tonight about it.

The reasons my weekends are no longer all going to be free? I got the trainee managers job. I will be staying at the store I am now. It starts on the 23rd. I know that there are going to be people that are going to be pissed off with this, especially as the other service trainee manager is leaving to another store. He is really well liked and respected. More so than i am in certain people's eyes. So it is going to be an interesting time that is for sure. I only found out yesterday so it is not well known yet.

So that is basically all that is happening at the moment. I am just plodding along not doing much really.

Oh and just for the record. A never came and did my brakes. Never got back in contact. I am going to have to contact him at some point as he has a key to my house and has a dvd of mine that I want back. I am not looking forward to dealing with it all. Especially knowing it is a problem apparently being friends.

Also like to say

That my children have been the most horrible, selfish, fighting, disrespectful children that ever lived and I have had the worst weekend because of that. I suck at being a mum and at the moment I hate it. Being a single mum is the worst job in the world and I want to quit. I am so over everything. Life really shouldn't be this hard it really shouldn't. I want out.

So now what

So yeah he has a girlfriend. I went around there and he never said a word. We were good. He kissed me. Peck on the lips. We play fought. Have I said all this already? Anyway then I find out about the girlfriend.

So he was going to do my brakes today. I txt him Friday saying what time. He told me he wasn't sure has he was going to a party the night before and didn't know what state he would be in. I replied with no worries it is daylight savings so it didn't matter if it was late. I txt him yesterday with no reply saying I have the brakes. I will be home all day and I will see him when I see him Sunday. It is now nearly 6.30 and he is not here and has not contacted me. Why do I deserve to be treated like this. I am so pissed off at him.

Now to the other news. I went back on the dating site. And broke my rule. I accepted contact with a 25 year old. And we have freaking hit it off. I don't know what to do. We have been talking all yesterday and a lot of today. He lives an hour and half away which sucks especially as he lost his licence for dui. Arghhh. Everything else is great though.

G has told me to take it steady this time and I want to but it is really hard when this guy is so nice. I don't trust what he says. And he knows that but shit it is still nice to hear, especially from a young guy. We have web cammed it a couple of times. All clean of course. And he has seen me at my worst. First thing in the morning. It is freaking me out really. I have thrown everything at him. Every negative thing I can think of. Sort of like if he knows it all and decides to back out now I won't be as hurt as much. Rather than he gets it later and then runs when I am in deep.

I am angry and upset at A. I don't want him back for the simple reason I can't trust him. And now I can't trust any guy. All my insecurities are just screaming and then add to that that this guy is 10 years younger than me. Why oh why would he want me. He says he wants a woman who has her feet on the ground and won't mess him around. I did inform him that older women do that as well I am sure. But there you go. I don't want to hurt him but I need to look out for me as well and remember that. He is so nice though. Lol just like A was. I love it when we talk but I just don't trust it as well.

He is down this way tomorrow so he is popping into work. But we have our first date on Saturday. Breakfast. It is a bit different this time given we have sort of met because of the camera. But even so. I just do not know what I am doing. No clue.