I'm not dead yet.........

Yeah I know I haven't put anything here for a while. I am actually feeling very overwhelmed at the moment and really struggling with everything. I am just so far behind on my study and just have no drive to do it. I need to find it and get it back.

So what has been happening? Lots and not much really. First week of the school holidays D and I spent a huge amount of time together. I had no kids, I took time off work. We stayed in a swanky hotel and drove to Clare! The Wednesday night I was supposed to catch up with G. It fell through but I hadn't spoken to D about it and then later that night I missed his phone call. I finally called him back in the morning with his first question being "Did you sleep with him" After that I felt that he had backed off. Very friend like. Thursday night was the night at the Allegra. It was lovely but not as nice as it could have been. It made me realise how much more I want. I wanted to be there with a man who really loved me etc. We had a great time but it really would have been better for me if it was someone who did love me. The next day we drove to Clare. Lots of time in the car to talk. He still is not ready for a relationship. Told me that he had thought of sleeping with T (another woman he befriended but had always told me he wasn't interested sexually in her). That of course upset me. But he said he felt he wasn't free because he was worried about me. He still wants to go off and do what he wants when he wants.

He said that he had lead me up the garden path so much and he sees how that is going to hurt me as well has stop him doing what he wants to do. He is right in everything he says of course. But the thing is he gets so close the whole relationship thing then backs away as soon as it starts feeling like it. So bit of a circle really.

Anyway we had a great day in Clare. We came home and went out to dinner and then he spent the night at my house. And that is it really. It is a bit like when we first met. No contact, not seeing each other much. Almost giving each other the silent treatment.

Having said that though I had to have ultrasounds the other day. There was a chance that I would have to have an internal ultrasound so D came with me. Nothing showed up on the first one so I had to have the internal. Yuk. D was great though. Really great. We then went back to his house and hung out for a bit. Chatted. Who knows if he will ever pick me to be the one when he is ready but we will see. In the mean time I am still looking. Bit sad about the whole situation. I don't really know what is going on in his head. We spent so much time together and now not to be spending as much, I miss it. And to have not had a fight or anything to be angry about. We are friends and I love that and if I need him he will be here in flash. If he wants me he knows where to find me though. If I am still free that is.

He goes away on the 10th for 6 weeks. We will see what happens when he comes back. I am going to see him off at the airport. While he is gone I will still visit his mum and the old lady he lives with. I like his mum. She is just lovely. In fact I really like all his family.

everything else is good. Just busy and I just want really a week or two of sitting at home with nothing to do. A few days without kids and a few days with kids would be great. I am craving some guilt free time at the moment with no hope of having it anytime soon. Maybe next school holidays when the semester is finished?

I am hoping to take the kids to QLD in Oct. Excited and scared at the same time. It is hard doing something like that by myself. My kids are still kids. I can't talk to them like adults and to spend a week by myself on a holiday with them is a bit scary. I was talking to D about it the other day and he understood. He also said if he was still like he is now (free!) he would come with me! (yeah I know! Go Figure!)