I may have used that title already but stuff it I will use it again.
What is so fucking wrong with me. Am I really that unattractive? Is my personality so crap that no ones wants to know me? Why is it that Rachel can be on the net for all of 5 seconds and brag about how many men she has wanting her and yet not make one move to see me or my new house. I haven't seen her since I started work. Why do all the girls at work exchange phone numbers and see each other outside of work except me? Why am I the only one who has no life? Has no friends?
Why can't I just get used to my company and the kids? Just accept the fact that this is all there is? That I had my chance, a couple of times over and it didn't work and that is all there is.
Honestly there is no friend to talk to about how lonely I am. How much I just want someone special in my life. I really should become an actor because everyone just thinks I am good and well. And I am. I just get so sick of being alone. I am very very lonely. Perhaps that is why I keep myself so busy so I can hide how much that hurts me.
I don't know. I have been fine lately. Since I moved really. I have my moments but just this week more so, I guess certain things have triggered this. I will be good and something will set me off. I can't watch chick flicks anymore because they get me in this mood. I feel so worthless most of the time. In regards to having someone in my life. I think I am pretty good at my job and my role is evolving all the time. Least I now have that. I am just not good enough for a guy. Hey lets face it. I have had my chance and for whatever reason I was not good enough. Why did Matt feel the need to hit me? Call me names? Force himself on me? What part of my make up was not good enough for something other than that? Why wasn't I good enough for C? Why did he feel that the fact that his ex-wife didn't want me around he didn't want me either? And yet the next girl he fought for? lol J?.......God he couldn't even bring himself to meet me. I was not good enough even for him to make the effort to meet. Any sex is good sex is a comment G once made to me a long time ago. That sums that up really.
So the moral of that story is Kate you suck. The reason I have never ever had someone hold me and say i was beautiful is because it isn't true. I don't deserve that. I have had my chances and something with me just doesn't get that. I don't get that stuff. I am not good enough for that. It is coming up for four years since Matt and I split and here I am still single without even the hint of something there for me. So finally I get the picture. My head sees it all there in black and white. It is easy. All those rejections, all those put downs, how can you bounce back from that and say yes I deserve better. My heart breaks though. Just hoping that it will happen. When my head knows better.
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Kate, you are loveable! You are a strong woman, who DOES deserve more. You say you "look" like you are OK but you are not. If someone asks you, "Hey Kate, how's things?" Answer with "Could be better" and then when they ask "What's up?" you tell them!!!!
Could be a case of people thinking, "Single Mum, too busy". I know before I had kids, especially, I presumed anyone with kids had no time! How wrong was I?? People with kids MAKE time! LOL!
As for the men thing, as soon as you realise how awesome you are, it will begin to shine through and you will find yourself attracting awesome friends, too!!! You are an amazing person, and I wish I could give you a big hug!
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