Hopes, dreams and wishes

So sitting outside watering my back yard totally illegally, I was thinking about this house and what I want to do with it. I have decided to buy it. Not for a while but I will down the track. Gives the co-op time to fix things with it lol so I don't have to pay for it.

I don't have a pergola here. I am going to put one in. I have these L shaped section outside that is fully concreted. It is very big and I can drive the car onto part of it as well. I had thought only make the pergola part of it but I thought no I will save up and do the whole section. Along the carport and concrete section and between the neighbours fence is just dirt and crap. I have planted my silver birch there. I have decided that I will mass plant that area. It will look good next to my pergola. I don't really know what i am planting as I don't know what they are called but I know what I want it to look like. Rainforesty perhaps. The yard is the major part of this house that needs work. The inside there really isn't anything to do. There is nothing major that I feel needs to be done in the house. New vinyl or perhaps tiles in the hall, kitchen and family area and that is is really. Built in's later??

So I will buy this house later. And then the big dream is to then rent it out and purchase a bigger house again with land. That is what I really want and wanted for a very long time. I want a horse, the kids want a horse and we all want a pool. I want a house big enough for teenage kids.

So I will use the co-op to my advantage. I have cheap rent. I can get a very very good deal on a home loan when the times comes, also from what I know I can buy the house cheaper than if it was on the private market.

There it is.

Work.... well I am a bit frustrated. With Amy gone I am on register and that is it. For my whole shift I am the only one on. Which means I can't do a damn thing. All those things I used to do, go off and help customers, fix the price board up, the safety pack etc I can't do. I am stuck in my cage. Tomorrow we have a big wine expo happening. I am stuck on register and others are on for shifts at the stalls. It all comes back to me not being good enough. I am struggling with this now even with work and I know that it is not the case. I keep telling myself that it is me they trust with the customers. I am the one good enough to greet the customers and send them on their way after they have made their purchases. I know from my years of customer service experience how important my job is. But how many checkout chicks are just little tiny boppers just filling in time etc. I feel like I am better than that.

It is only the first week like this and I need to hang in there. But I do want to be more than a checkout chick. There are only a few of us at work now that are a permanent fixture of the store. Especially for the amount of time we are there. The other girls are only on registers for an average 12 hours a week. That says something right? I do like serving customers. Even when I have a shit day I still serve customers as if I was having a good day. I serve customers the same way regardless of how long I have been there and it is nearly home time. Does that make sense? I am not like the chicks at Cole's where they don't even smile. I just have to hang in there. They do want me. That is why they were so happy when Amy left. It is why they gave me a contract of 36 hours. It is why a customer today said that he loves coming to Dan Murphy's because the people are good here.

What do I always say? Time will tell.

Saw Rachel and Karen last Monday. First time I have seen Rachel since Oct. OMG. All she did was brag about her kids, her "new" man, the fact that she is still on RSVP regardless and chatting to all these guys. She didn't ask about Karen or myself. She didn't ask once about my kids, my work, my new house. Nothing. I said oh you need to come and check my new house out. Oh yeah she said I will. In a very I don't give a shit voice. So I guess until she goes off the rails again. She doesn't want to really know me. I think last Monday was just so Karen and I could see and hear how wonderful everything is for her and damn everyone else. Again I will bite my tongue. Because last time we had all this out it was turned around to her, about how this is what she expected and that she can't hold onto friends and blah blah. I won't make that mistake again. Because it was a horrible argument and nothing changed as look where we are again.

Why is life so up and down? I feel like I should be so happy now. I have a job which means more money. I have a bigger house. Yes I have these things but I am still struggling. I find it so hard to get everything done. I go to work and I come home and still have to do all the stuff I have to do as a mum. I miss the stuff I used to do for me. I miss the gym so much I can't believe it. But I just can't go. I even have trouble going to taekwondo at times because I know if I stay home I can get things done. I am just having a hard time adjusting and I feel like I am on the edge all the time. I feel guilty for sitting down for 5 seconds and going on the computer. Or watching a show on TV. I need to get over that. But it is hard. I am struggling with that. I feel guilty that I am not more happy. God I am screwed up in the head.