lonely and bored, bored and lonely

Not really bored I guess. Just that to get up and do stuff requires me to change out of my work clothes and I can't be bothered. I am a bit cold but not cold enough to put the heater on.

Lonely because G starts a new job on Monday. Have I mentioned that? He is going to be working 9-5 Monday to Friday in town. Really really good for him. He has needed regular for a long time. So it is good for him. Sucks for me though. I am not going to see him as much, if at all. It was really only the gym and occasional bed that we see each other. Now with regular hours he is going to be able to get himself a girlfriend and have time to spend with her. And there goes my fantasy of him suddenly realising that I am the one for him. Yes I am a sad sad case. But in reality he is the only male close to me. And he isn't even that close. I have a huge crush on him. Part of me knows that is only because he is a nice guy. He is the only nice guy I see outside of work and the sex is good. I only have any of that with him so I cling to some vain hope that he will suddenly fall in love with me. Yeah I live in La La Land. But it is sad in many ways. It makes me sad to know that what little I have with him I will lose. It makes me sad to know that I am so pathetic that I live in La La Land. Oh this is just so hard to explain.

I honestly have tried being happy with just me and the kids. But I am not. I miss J. Even though he is a jerk and pissed me around. But I miss that company, albeit over the phone. I miss that person who would txt me and say good morning. I just miss all that stuff. All that stuff I have never had before.

Why do I find it so hard to just be content with what I have? Why don't I accept the fact that no one is going to come into work and sweep me off my feet. (yeah I have those fantasies as well) Accept the fact that G is just not the interested in me. Despite the fact that I have my mug up on a internet dating no one is interested in me apart from smokers, wankers or really young guys. I think I want perfect. That of course is never going to happen.

So in general yes I am feeling really really shitty.