we regret to inform you......

surprise surprise....... I tried to ring to get feedback which they said to do but no one has rung back.

I am pissed off that one man had the power to do this to me. He doesn't know me. He does not know that if my job required it I can be dominate and forceful. I can think outside the square. I do it all the time. I can adapt to different situations. I could handle someone going off at me. Who cares, those dick's aren't my friends, so I don't care if they go off at me.

I really wanted that job. I wanted the variety it would have brought. I wanted to be able to help people. I WANTED TO BE A BLOODY COP!

So moving on. I have applied online to so many retail places. Angus and Robertson, Sanity Music, Coles and all their affiliated stores, Woolworths and all their affiliated stores (amazing how many are owned by the same people) I have written I enjoy opportunities to provide superior customer service that many times it isn't funny. Because I haven't worked I struggle for references. I am using someone from the co-op and G. Bless him. I guess I have been doing so much work for him lately he can comment on that as well as friendship.

I just feel so old all of a sudden. My law degree is so far away. I really don't want a checkout chick job, but I am not really qualified for anything else. And lets face it I am good at it. It will be good just to get out of the house and meet people.

Not many people know about the cops yet. I just don't really want to talk about it. I sort of knew last week so I am not as upset as I thought but even so. I do the whole pretend everything is just peachy. Yet again. Just be nice to have the special guy in my life, my best friend who knows me so well to hold me and say it will be fine. Where I don't have to hold it together, just for a few minutes. Lol well I guess he won't be a cop!! Who knows when and where he will turn up but hey mister I could do with that hug soon!!!!!!

So school holidays are drawing to a close! Thank god. The kids have been great. They drove me insane last night just with their silliness but generally they have been good. Lachlan has been out twice on his bike and yesterday he did great. Hopefully we will have time today and he will really get it but not sure if we will have time. We are going horse riding this morning and then dropping Lachlan at mum and dad's for the night and I am taking the older two to see Evan Almighty.
Fingers crossed someone will call next week begging me to work for them. lol. I do live in hope don't I. Like I told G the other day. It never in the past takes me long to find a job when I put my mind to it. So hopefully it won't take long this time.

talking of G. Laura said to me the other day, "have I met G" I told her no. She then went on to say she wanted to meet him. I said she could come with me to the gym if she wanted but she would be bored so would have to take a book etc. She was ok with that. Gets up the next morning decides that she doesn't want to after all. I told G. Lol I think he was a bit put out she changed her mind.

Wednesday when the kid were in Vac care. I drove down to the gym to drop the stuff off to him. He wasn't there so I just txt saying I left them there. He txt back saying he just got home if I wanted to call in and say hi. So I do just that. I go in, flop down on the couch and he says to me "where are the kids" I told him. He goes Oh that was the whole reason I said to call in so the kids could meet me!! I just laughed and said G you do not want my three kids here. He just said oh they would have been ok for 5 minutes. I find it funny that after 2.5 years he now wouldn't mind meeting my kids. I don't have a problem with it at all but just not high on my priority list to arrange it.

Oh and add to my woes at the moment, I think my microwave blew up last night. It started making weird noises and the light was flashing on and off. I quickly stopped it but when I opened it there was a bit of smoke and some black crap in it. Just what i need. Not.

Ok enough. Ramble over. Back to life.

Tired tired tired

I really need to remember to take my multivitamin! They sure make a difference. I feel really run down at the moment. Shouldn't really say tired but just worn out!!

My PT session went well. Yes my legs were still sore but not to bad. I thought I got out of the cross trainer but G, bless him, saved it for last. That set them going.... oh they hurt for that. Luckily I was only on there for 5 minutes. I hate the cross trainer. We then sat down with a hot chocolate and worked out the wording for his ad for the newspaper. We got a bit stuck but I thought of something on the way home.

Sick of dieting?
Want results that last a life time?
Its time to take control and get serious.

I am a lifestyle consultant who can motivate you to achieve your goals to get you in the best shape of your life and maintain it.

Call G blah blah blah

So I have to finish up his flyer for the letter box drop and he has given me a few other things like a food diary to make pretty and I have to make up an exercise diary and a few other things as well. Busy busy bee. But like mum said it gets me some more free PT sessions lol.

Surprisingly the kids have been fairly well behaved. Mind you having said that Laura has just cracked it. 3 kids with only one TV just doesn't work when one wants to play the playstation.

I have applied online to a few retail places. Dan Murphy's are opening up a store near here. I have put in my resume to Sanity Music and also the Woolworths line of shops. (Big W, Woolworths, Tandy, Dick Smith etc.) Fingers crossed I get something soon. I need money and I need money now. I am trying hard not to think about what I am getting the kids again for Christmas.

Not much else is happening really. The kids go into Vac care tomorrow. They all wanted a day there so it doesn't cost me a huge amount so that is fine with me. Gives us all a break from one another and I can tidy the house up again.

Please please please please

let my legs feel better tomorrow for my PT session with G. They are still really sore from "the Stairs"!! I can't believe how sore. I can't squat down like I normally can without acting like an 80 year old woman with arthritis!! I gave them a good albeit painful massage and try to keep moving them all the time so fingers crossed they will be better in the morning!!

Food wise still shit.

All is right with the world.

That is how it feels when I get my kids back. Of course once they really start fighting I will be thinking differently. This time it is going to be heaps different though as they will be spending time one on one with mum and dad. Patrick is first tonight. They had an ok time at their dad's. Matt hurt Patrick again. Took his phone away again. Patrick felt a need to pick up a stick and protect himself because Matt was angry at him. Why can't Matt see that he is going about disciplining the kids all wrong. Patrick never feels the need to pick up a stick to protect himself from me. He is not frightened of me. Yet he has told me he gets frightened of his dad. Very sad.

Friday night I went out with Rachel. She ended up driving. I had a bit to drink which was nice. Been a while. Same creepy bald man tried to chat me up again. He is always there. Rachel and I have pretended to be gay before in the vain hope he would leave me alone. But each time we go there he always tries. A nice man came up just as we were about to leave. Looking back I should have danced with him but it was just nice a half decent man thought he would try his luck with me lol.

Dragged myself off to bed at about 3.30. Then woke up at 6.08!! Rachel was leaving her place at 6.30 to pick me up to get my car which was at her place. Then I drove down to Seacliff to find these bloody stairs that G told me about. This time I found them! I went up them half a dozen times I guess then I went for a walk along the beach. My legs today are so sore! It is great!! I only said to G the other day did he think I would ever be sore again like that. I like that soreness. It is the sore that you know you have worked hard!!

Taking the kids rollerskating today. The leisure centre have just started doing it $5 each. They only offer it once a month and last month the kids were at Matt's so they are really looking forward to it.

and the dream disappears

Well I am pretty sure I can kiss my cop career good bye. It was awful. Apparently I don't think outside the square, I am not dominate enough, and I just want to get in so I can get men like my bastard ex. We were also talking about Matt hurting the kids and he says "and that upsets you?" well yeah of course it would. But it was like it was wrong of me to be upset.

Mum said that basically they are looking for someone who thinks of themselves. Who are basically arse holes. I am not that. And really the majority of cops are like that. Karen's friend is like that. She is out for herself.

This is something I wanted so much. It is just not going to happen. I honestly didn't think I would get knocked back because of my personality.

So I am at home, alone, in tears. Mum and dad are the only ones who know. But of course the pretence comes out. They don't know how upset I am. Why worry them with how upset I am, how rejected I feel. Why can't anything go right? Why?

One thing. I had subway for dinner. I still have tim tams in the house. I am determined not to eat. I am not hungry. I am not going to give in. But I want to so badly. Food the ultimate substitute for being told that everything is going to be ok and if it wasn't meant to be then it wasn't meant to be.

little butterflies.......

Shit shit shit..... Starting to get nervous now. I also had to wear my size 12 goodwill pants!! Fuck it. I could have worn my 10's but the muffin top exploding over the top is not a look I wish to show. After my minor blow out... ok so a whole pack of tim tams over the space of 6 hours is a major blow out I am back on track today. Bugger the maintenance meeting on Friday, that is the only reason I got them. And now I need to buy another packet. Yeah I could have done something else for the meeting but that is the easiest thing and they were on special. I will just buy another packet just before the meeting.

Ok I am rambling. Anything to fill in a bit of time. I am allowing an hour to get into town but realistically this time of the day I doubt it will take close to that but I need to be sure.

I guess I just need to convey I am a confident, self assured person who has all the qualities to be a cop. Which I have, I just don't apply them to myself. But that doesn't matter. I can be a great cop and my personal life does not effect that.

Ok off to put make up on.

I've got the knowledge

So I have handed over all the co-op's rent stuff to the guy who is now going to be doing it. I have done this job for 1.5 years. I have organised all the records within an inch of their lives. I have knocked down the arrears owing by $1000's. In order words just to big note myself I did a bloody good job.

I hate handing it over. This guy really doesn't know to much about it. My down fall is I suck as a teacher. I tried to show him sum stuff but i don't think he really got it. I just don't want it all to fall in a screaming heap after I have worked so hard to get it up and running smoothly.

Saw G again today for my PT session. I died but it was good. He wants me to do another flyer for him. He wants to get away from the PT training and go more into fitness and lifestyle coaching. Honestly I love this man. I think it is a great idea with the aim at lower income earners. They would have an initial consult. Work out goals, go through diet, ideas on healthy shopping and eating, etc and then just see him once a month. During that month he would txt them etc reminding them to stay on track, to drink their water etc. One the once a month visits he would do measurements, talk about issues they having and evaluate goals.I think this is fantastic. There is no way I could afford a personal trainer. These people wouldn't have to go to the gym, they could just use what they have. Yet would still have the accountability. For someone like me it would be perfect. Hope it works for him.

The week seems to be flying by. I haven't really done much. Haven't seen anyone really. I am lonely but seem to be coping with it a bit better. Think the key is not to watch romantic chick flicks which end up depressing myself. Don't get me wrong I am desperately lonely, I long for a guy to want to be with me, to just hang out. Of course that isn't happening. But I am not in tears constantly over it. So I guess that is a good thing.

Got the appointment with the psych tomorrow. Fingers crossed it goes well and I move onto the next step quick. My dream is to be in the academy before Christmas so I can start earning some money. I am so broke it isn't funny. Shit that reminds me I need to ring the elec company and beg for more time! (see why it is easy for me to get depressed) At this rate Christmas is going to be sucky again. Great.