Little snots

I honestly believe that I have the most selfish, ungrateful, fighting children that ever existed.

They do nothing around the house unless I am on at them 100 times to do it. The fight constantly. I really don't want to be around them. They are really horrible and I don't know what to do about it.

They really do not give a shit unless it concerns them. Last Tuesday when I was really sick, the sickest I have ever been in my life, They were horrible. I was sorting out fights from my bed, not one of them asked if their was anything they could do for me. In fact they asked if they were still going swimming.

They wonder why I yell all the time. Well I certainly do not start off yelling but it gets to that point when they constantly do not do what they are told.

Patrick's job is to do the dishes. They need to be done before 7.30 at night. He is hopeless at doing it. I even said at about 6.45 dishes are all here. And I get the I know said in a real yuk voice. Hour later he still hadn't done them and wondered why I was angry. He thinks he helps out. He doesn't. He empties the bins and does the dishes. When I tell him to. That is it. He is 12.

Am I setting the bar to high? Do I have unrealistic expectations? All I know is that I am so run down my body is getting sick and I am not getting better very quickly. How bad is that I just do not want my kids at the moment? They have pushed me and pushed me and I am ashamed. I hate going out with them because I am ashamed.

I am in tears because I don't know what to do. I want nice kids. I want kids that just don't fight that much. I want kids who actually appreciate everything I do for them and don't just see it as my job so I should be doing it. I know they are out there. I have seen it. Other people's kids are not as bad as mine. I know that for a fact. So it comes down to the fact that I am a failure as a parent and I don't know what to do.

Sick of being sick

I have the flu again. I feel so disgusting it is not funny. Last night I was at A's and I was a mess. I had a fever, headache and aches and pains. A was wonderful as normal. Getting cold flannels to put on my forehead. He had cooked a roast and although I had some I couldn't eat it all. But it was so yummy.

So I had my operation on Thursday. All went well, aside for me freaking out. I also took a long time to come out of the anesthetic, same as last time. A waited until I went in and then came back when it was done. It was only day surgery so it was quick. I will say it again. A was wonderful, looking after me. He even brought the washing in and folded it all for me.

Friday we went to the central market again. It was really good but I got worn out really quickly. It was good to come home and cuddle up with him and eat all our food we brought and watch a movie.

Saturday night we went to the casino for one of A's friends birthday. 5 of us all went down in the one car. It was a nice night. We had dinner. I met a few more of A's friends. And had him making comments in response to one of the other guys talking about his current girlfriend. A made the comment along the lines of the guy must have second best because A had the best looking girlfriend. I am pretty sure I went bright red. But it was so nice to hear that.

After dinner we went to the night club area. M a friend of A's had a nose bleed, so I went with her to the loo's to help her. She had had it operated on earlier in the week. Long story short it didn't stop bleeding. So A, S (A's house mate) and myself took her to the hospital. We were there from about 1 am until 7am. It wasn't to bad as we all just kept laughing at stupid things.

When we finally left we stopped at Macs and got breakfast then home to bed. So tired. Then of course when we got up about 4pm I started going down hill from there.

My glands are up so much they are causing me a great deal of pain. All I want to do it go to sleep but of course with three kids I can't do that.

Happy but stressed... what is up with that?

I have had a niggly little headache for a few days now. I only came to the conclusion that it is a stress headache. The silly thing is I am happy. Yes there is crap in my life but I am not dwelling on it etc. But I thought back and realised that this has happened before.

So the stresses in my life. Well the kids for one. OMG they were horrible last weekend. I am surprised that A wants to still see me they were so feral. Things have changed in the house a lot since then. Only today have they been allowed to watch tv and there has been a big improvement. Patrick did lie about something yesterday. Long story but I was calm and stuck to my guns even though I nearly believed him and felt guilty. He ended up telling the truth.

The other thing is I have my surgery tomorrow. That of course is freaking me out. Add to that I am over a week late with my period. Now I have been on the pill so in reality I can't be pregnant. Well I can be but it is unlikely. But I am still a bit concerned. I have done three pregnancy tests. All negative. Now in all the times I have done pregnancy tests I have never had a negative one when I was indeed pregnant. So that is a relief. But does not solve the problem as to why I do not have my period when I am normally so on time.

And yes my insecurities are unfounded. On the weekend I really tried hard to step back and it was ok. The kids being so horrible really didn't help me though. At one point I said to him you really are not going anywhere are you regardless of my kids. He just said of course not and hugged me.

Monday night on the other hand was great. We were just together. We visited a friend in hospital. Then went and got Chinese for dinner and back to his house. We watched top gear then Flash of Genius. Good movie but I did fall asleep. But that was me not the movie. I was tired. It was just a nice night. Nothing nicer than waking up in the night to A just kissing my shoulder as he is rolling over. He said he sleeps really well when I am in his bed which is nice.

Anyway the outcome of this is that I am making a real effort to put my stupid insecurities behind me. And it is working. I just really concentrate on all the good stuff all the time.

So I am decided that this weekend I am making an effort to chill and try and destress. A said it should start tomorrow but I will freak out about the surgery first. Then I guess it can start but I still have the kids, but A will be here so perhaps that will help. We are doing nothing on the weekend other than a party at the casino on Saturday if I am up to it. Which I am sure I will be.

Bloody insecurities

I don't know if time will solve my insecurities or not. I can but hope I guess. I have been in years of relationships that have been crap and filled with insecurities so it stands to reason that nearly three months is not going to be enough to make it all ok.

The situation that caused this little burst of insecurities? A had been ringing me basically everyday. I have not seen him a lot the last couple of weeks due to him being away and him working nights this week and I am missing him but I understand. Anyway, I was feeling a bit ordinary today and I rang him to have a chat because I knew that he would cheer me up. I rang and then rang again a few hours later. I figured that he probably was asleep. I tried a couple of times after as he is a slacko when it comes to listening to his messages. But then it got to the point where I thought I can't ring again as it will be stalker material, but I was starting to freak out a bit. Imagining him finding someone else, being dead, deciding he didn't like me anymore. All of those stupid things.

I txt him this afternoon. He rang back a while after that. He had basically been asleep all day as he hadn't gone to bed until nearly 5am because of work. Then he was just slack in checking his phone. There was nothing for me to worry about. He was just his normal self. He said I should have popped around after work like I sometimes do. But I didn't feel like I could because lol hey I was imagining him in bed with someone else. And yet realistically I know that is not going to happen.

Now this is my problem. I am much better than what I was, I know that. It is only on days like these where I don't hear from him that I worry. When I have no idea if he is just sleeping or what the story is. A knows I have these insecurities and I know enough to not put it on him much. But he does understand and he has seen me get better with it. So I guess it is just time and he has said that to me. So while there is improvement happening, then I should be ok with that and not stress about it.

Regardless I am falling for this guy. And I know he feels the same. The reason I know he feels the same? "I miss you babe and I am falling deeper and deeper the more I am with you" A txt message from the other day.

Yes I made you all vomit again.

Happy but ripped off

A came home Saturday. This will be a little to much info but hey you can all stop reading. But I bet you don't!!! I met him at the door in new lingerie and high heels. So of course time was spent in the bedroom for a bit. We both missed each other so much. Especially for the latter part of the week he was at the gold mine and had no phone reception.

It was so nice to have him home. But I feel ripped off a bit that I didn't get all my weekend with him. Bless him He basically came straight here. Didn't unpack his car and only left my place today after about 12.30. The bugger went back to sleep after I left.

One thing he said to me though was that he wanted "this forever". I didn't really get what he meant. And he said "us, I want us forever" How lovely is that? He just blows me away with the things he says and the things he does. We have fun together and shit stir each other. Just being together, not doing things together but just being near each other is great. Walking around the shop yesterday he put his arm around me and pulled me close and whispered in my ear how deeply he was falling for me. Just out of the blue, walking around a shop! I have just never encountered this before and it really does just blow me away.

There is a downside is I miss him when he is gone. This week I probably won't see him until Friday or Saturday because it looks like he is working nights. Anyway he is wonderful. He makes me feel so special and beautiful and constantly tells me how sexy I am. Regardless of what I am wearing. I am often in my flannelette pjs watching TV at night. He doesn't care. He will just cuddle me and tell me how much he loves being with me.

Yeah ok. You can all stop throwing up now. I will stop.

So after ending up with 3 days off work last week, I am off tomorrow as well now. Lachlan now has this stupid flu thing. I am so over it. I have my operation next week and I swear I am out of sick leave. Don't know what I will do. I do hate having the time off work because no one else really knows how to do my job.

OH well I has better go and get dinner I guess. No taewkondo tonight because of Lachlan so for once I am cooking a half decent meal with vegetables to no less!

The good times roll on...

The weekend just gone was A's birthday do. I ended up asking Matt to look after the kids for the night. I feel guilty about it even now but I am glad I did. It meant I could stay longer and not worry about kids.

It was really nice to meet more of A's friends and family. It was also interesting to see him stressing a little bit. I got there at about 2.30 I guess and people were told it started at 4pm. He was in the process of cooking a feast. He had 2 chickens in the oven, roast lamb and beef in the webber with the typical roast veg with it. A tuna bake, spag bog, his spinach dip and other nibbles happening. I couldn't believe how much food he had. He was still going at about 6pm I guess with the food. Although he would go out to everyone once in a while he was mainly in the kitchen. He wasn't stressed stressed but it is hard to describe. Just suffice to say that I have never seen him like that and it was interesting that is for sure. All good. It was just funny to see him like that when he is normally so cool and calm.

I had met a couple of A's friends before but it was nice to see them again and spend more time with them talking. Especially M. She was great. It was really good talking to her. It was interesting talking to her about A as well. She has known him for about 8 years and they were together for a while but it didn't work out. They are better friends. But she said that he really really likes me and wants me in his future. We talked about my insecurities. And she made the comment that if I pulled back I would see his insecurities. She also said that he really wants to get to know my kids more and be in their lives.

A and I were talking the next morning. I didn't want to turn back into a mum again. Was just feeling a bit down as I wasn't in the mood for fighting kids. Anyway he said it wouldn't be long before they would come to his house etc. (he shares a house so it is all a bit hard) That he wouldn't take any crap from them and they would be told if need be. Sounds funny typing it all out but it was nice.

He is already starting to make the kids step. Lachlan came up to me the other day wanting me to open something. As I took it from Lachlan A said "please!" because Lachlan hadn't said it. Just little things like that. A's friend M works with kids and she said something to me that made sense to me. The boys may be trying to be the man of the house. I don't think it is so much with Lachlan but with Patrick yes. Things like telling Laura not to put her necklace in her mouth. Things like that. He shouldn't be doing that. That is my job.

Anyway the party was great. I had a great time. Drunk a lot but not enough to feel sick which was very nice. A left early this morning (1am) to go to Roxby Downs for work. He is back hopefully Saturday night. I miss him. It is funny. He has been txting me on and off all day. He rang me a few hours ago. They had finished work but were going back to work at 8.30pm. He is going to be stuffed when he gets home. He misses me!

It is so hard to believe I have this man in my life that really wants to be with me. Wants to spend the rest of his life with me. So unlike D. I love the attention. I love the fact that it has been over 2 months and things have not changed. A has not changed. He is just himself. I love it.

I went home early from work today. If it had been any other day I wouldn't have even gone in. I feel like crap. I had a cold a couple of weeks ago but not like this. It is horrible. I can't stand up for any length of time. I have slept most of the day. Trying to get a doctors appointment is crazy. I am off to the hospital tomorrow as that is where the surgery's are telling me to go!!!