Feeling crappy

So I give up with A. I don't know if he txt me last week accidentally or what. I txt him last night to see if he wanted to go to the movies and no reply. I txt again today. Again no reply. So fine. He doesn't want me well he doesn't have me.

I am hurt, angry and upset. I hate feeling like this and do not know how I am going to trust what a guy says anymore. It will all turn to crap regardless. And yet I want to settle down with a nice man so much. I hate being alone.


My boys night was great. I did get very drunk. But didn't pass out or lose control. I did nothing that I wouldn't have done sober. Apart from maybe showing them a couple of photos of me that I had sent A. No nudity but there was cleavage. But probably wouldn't have shown them if sober.

It was a really good night though. To see these guys do sing star with disney songs was so funny. I didn't even know most of them but they did lol. They were good for my ego. Complimenting me etc. We ended up on the couch and J and I fell asleep. Which sucked for M because he had to go home lol. He got out the mattress for me to sleep on. Turned the heater on and lights out. Very sweet. The next morning I felt foul though. I ended up vomiting. Felt better after that. But that was a sign of how drunk I was. Not done that in years.

I also caught up with G Friday as well. I am seeing him Tuesday to go to the movies seeing how A isnt' going to. I feel like txting A back saying well don't worry about it I am going with someone else. But I won't.

I can't wait for Qld. To just be able to pretend that is all there is in the world. The people around me and the place I am in. I can't wait.

How is that for a quick update. I just feel foul. I feel worthless, used, and just generally crappy. So lucky this even got done really.

Bits and Pieces

So I am having a boys night! How funny is that? J from work is on holidays at the moment. Anyway we have organised for me to get totally drunk. He has never seen me drunk and also I said I have never been that drunk that I have lost control, passed out or forgotten what I did while drunk. So the challenge is on. Lol. The boys will lose.

I have mentioned that I am a bit pissed off with people at work and the gossip. If I was a guy, my friendship with J wouldn't matter but because I am female there is so much crap attached to it. I hate it. J and a couple of others have been great. A good distraction.

On the work front in regards to the promotion I have more information. I spoke to the manager today about other things and it came up about me. He said he spoke to the area manager today and I am on the shortlist. He also said that if I got it I would more than likely stay at the store I am at now!!! Area manager did say that I must realise though that I would have to move at some stage. But the store manager went into bat for me saying that yes she does but with her young kids etc etc. I said to store manager that I thought they didn't promote in store. He said that it has happened a couple of times. My suggestion was that I boss enough people around that no one would notice a difference. Store manager laughed and said yeah that is what he thought as well!!!

Out of no where A txt me today. "hey there hows things, finally in an area with reception, moving on to another small town now with no coverage, so I thought I'd say hi sweet. Take care and ill chat soon" Now there is nothing to read into calling me sweet as he calls many people that. That is just him. But the fact that he has contacted me is a big thing for me. It means that even if he does not want to be in a relationship he does at least want me in his life still. I like that idea.

So I am going to have the boys night Friday. I am going to a party with M (Adam's friend) on Saturday night. Monday I am having a girly day with Jane. Movies, window shopping or the like. I am supposed to be catching up with K and then also G at some point as well. So hopefully that will fill my week enough that I am not sitting around feeling sorry for myself to much.

Qld is coming up quick. I am going to have to start working out with the kids are taking in clothes and what clothes I need to buy them. I need some new shoes to take as well. I only have thongs for summer. I think I need more than that. Really can't wait to catch up with Raina again. It is going to be great.

Day of surprises

I am really sad. A is away so even if everything was ok he would still be away. But I don't get the txt or anything. But as I said to K at work today, I wasn't getting them anyway. So the choice was I shut up and not say anything and be unhappy in a relationship or I push for answers and the relationship ending. So I guess this is the better because realistically long term I don't want to be in a crappy relationship.

The jury is still out as to what is going on in his head. I could ring M and ask if she spoke to him but really what is the point. I will be speaking to her at some stage and I will find out then if he is ok. Or if it is all just crap and he just does not want to be with me. I am basically telling myself that is the case but my heart still is clinging desperately to the hope that maybe there. I hate that. I hate that I am making myself feel like this for the sake of a guy.

Jane an old friend of mine who I don't see very often (my fault as I feel she has her own family etc and I shouldn't impose) invited me over yesterday. She gave me a big hug when I got there and I just dissolved into tears. I told her what went on and before I could say it she said it sounded like he was depressed. But for once I was totally honest and didn't pretend I was fine. I told her how I just felt so alone and worthless. That it was really hard to be positive about yourself when surrounded by the negative of rejection all the time. It is really hard for someone else to understand. Especially someone who has never experienced it and is happily married. But it was nice to say it to someone sitting in front of me and now she knows.

We are catching up next week. Having a girly day. Which is so nice of her to arrange. We are seeing a movie or window shopping or something but she arranged to be kid free and do something. I was just happy going to her place and talking again.

The other thing was guys from work. I txt J today one of the trainee managers. He is on holidays and when he comes back I am on holidays so I txt him about something to do with work and it just went from there. We ended up txting all day. He and I have always gotten on well together. Just able to talk and verbally spar a lot. We make each other laugh. He is only a young guy but we just get on well together. Anyway we are catching up next week, with another guy from work. I said to J that he had made me laugh and feel a bit better and thanked him. He responded with that is what he was there for and I could come over anytime and cry watching chick flicks and drink his beer. I was so shocked at that. lol of course this will fuel the rumours even more at work. We both get a bit of ribbing at work now saying we have the hots for one another. It pisses me off a bit as it is not like that and never ever will be. But people can't see passed that. Especially when a couple of them don't actually like J.

Another surprised I had was Mel from Osch said we should get together for a drink or go for a walk or something next week. She and I have always chatted a bit and we have similar backgrounds but me being me never made it anything other than her just looking after my kids and her son being friends with mine despite the fact that they go to different schools. So I guess she thinks that we could be friends as well and the fact I am getting another friend is really good.

So although originally excited about my holidays off because it meant more time with A they then loomed up with a week of me being at home with nothing to do but watch chick flicks and me crying. So now I have my day with Jane, my night with the boys, I am catching up with G at some point, I am also getting together with K, who I used to work with and now catching up with Mel. I am hoping that I will catch up with M as well, then I will get the goss on A as well.

I am hoping that all of that will help to keep my mind off A and from over thinking everything. I can't wait for Qld so I can catch up properly with Raina. I am looking forward to lazy days. Of course we are doing the theme parks but the kids are going to have to take those days and accept lazy days as well. I do not have a huge amount of spending money for this trip and also I want the lazy days to sit and chat with Raina. Bring it all on.

Fingers crossed this week I find out about the trainee manager position as well.

I only cried twice typing this out.

why....

Why does it just feel like I am not good enough. Even if what A has said is true, why aren't I good enough for him to say Hang in there for me. I want you here for the bad stuff I am going through as well as the good.

Fuck this all just sucks and is not fair. Why do men do this? Lets face it.... he doesn't want a relationship with me. If he did he would have one regardless. Hey I have read he is just not that into you.

But in the mean time I am hurting. I want to settle down with a guy and I honestly thought he was the one. He did want to at the start. How on earth can people say it is the guy not you when this keeps happening to me? Doesn't anyone see that? How can I believe in myself when every relationship I have had ends like this? Negative is all I have known and I have glimpses of good stuff only to have it snatched from me. As if to say... this is what the good people get. You can't have it though. You just get the crap.

How on earth am I to believe anything else?

Work

So why is it that one part of my life is going to crap and another goes well?

I have been put up for promotion. I am on the list for trainee manager. The store manager has put my name up for it. Of course there are other people from other stores up for it as well. The store manager seems pretty convinced though I am up there to get it. He has been getting me learning everything, including payroll and the morning works. He came up to me the other morning and asked me if I wanted to play manager for the morning. On the other hand though he said he didn't want me to get promoted because that means I leave the store!!

Mid Oct there are heaps of changes happening amongst the store. The store managers are not moving but the service and perhaps the trainee managers will all be moving around. Just to give you an idea we have one store manager, one service manager, one stock manager and two trainee managers. Of course I am away during that time on holidays. I will be calling work believe me to find out what the hell is happening.

If I get the position it does mean I move stores. I will hate that. I also don't know which store I will move to. Noarlunga is the closest to me and that is 20 minutes away. Marion is the next one which would be a further 20 minutes away. Of course it also means I work all hours. I would do a six day week one week. I would do open and closes and work weekends. But having said that I would get paid more.

Having said all that I am not that fussed if I don't get it because I am happy with what I am doing and where I am doing it.

I spoke to K about it. She used to work at Noarlunga and then took a trainee position to Marion last year. She doesn't regret it and says go for it. But I won't if it is further away than Marion. I can't do that to the kids. It wouldn't be fair.

the story

If I don't do this now I never will. Prepare for a long one. After it all hit the fan last time with it all being fine and all. We had a great weekend. We all. S, M, A and I all went out to Anthems. It was a good night. We didn't get home until 4am. A and I slept until 4pm. We finally got up and had some breakfast lol. We went to the movies Saturday night and saw the Ugly Truth. It was an ok movie. It was funny. When then went for a drive around and ended up in a Hungry Jacks at 1am and sat and talked for an hour. We got back to my place and went to bed about 2.30am. The Sunday was spent sleeping and then dozing in front of the tv. Mum and dad came home and we were supposed to go and see them but A was feeling ill again and he ended up going home.

I then heard nothing again, during the week. I finally spoke to him Thursday and he assured me all was fine. And that I would look into getting a room somewhere for a night away. He mentioned that he may be going to Melbourne for the weekend to see the football. I then heard nothing until Sunday. I tried to get in contact but nothing. He txt me on the Sunday night and said he had needed some space and we didn't need to be in each others pockets. I agreed with him and he was ok with it until I said I needed to say some stuff but wanted to do it in person. So we made arrangements to catch up.

I went around there Monday night. We talked about the fact that he felt that I wanted to spend every minute with him. (which I did because I liked him) and that he needed space. I told him that I needed to hear from him and hated that he couldn't even txt me and say hey babe thinking of you or the like. So I felt we had sorted stuff out and we had a good time mucking around and stuff. This was just the Monday gone.

Then nothing. I txt him Tuesday and nothing. I had my stupid allergic reaction thing on Thursday night and I txt him. I also tried ringing. I then emailed him when I got home. I said that basically I was sick of this shit. I needed to know what was going on. I didn't understand what was happening. Whether he was just giving up. He was non communicative and distant but when we were together we were fine. I needed him to tell me the truth and not be crappy. I wanted to know because if he didn't want to be with me then I didn't want to waste his time or mine.

So 3am I get a txt. He had just gotten home. He told me that he couldn't be bothered doing anything or wanted to be with anyone. He didn't know what was wrong with him and that he didn't want to be in a relationship. He didn't know what he wanted.

I txt him during the day saying i didn't like his decision but I would respect it. (a long version of that) Of course there was no response.

When I got home he had been there to drop off a dish that I had taken to his house and a cd. He had collected his DVD's. He didn't leave the key though.

I went to M's that afternoon. I told her what had been going on.How he had been. How even S his house mate had noticed a change in him. She said it sounded like he was depressed. I would have to agree with her. I stayed at her place for a while. It was good. It was nice to talk to someone who has been through similar things to me. She is a lot stronger than I am. Emotionally. She is ok with being single and is happy to stay that way to avoid that crap that goes with being in a relationship. I wish I could be like that.

Anyway at about 10pm I went to A's house. Not knowing what to expect when I got there. He was basically out of it. Asleep on the couch. He woke up a little when I got there and then went back to sleep. I just sat and watched You've Got Mail which was on. He woke up and we just talked a little. Just about nothing that mattered. I ended up staying the night. No cuddles in the night but then he was pretty out of it. He was knackered.

In the morning we ended up talking. After of course having a some fun. He really isn't happy. He doesn't want to be with anyone. Assures me that there is no one else. I told him that he had hurt me. We are still friends. I still have my cinema partner. I of course cried on and off. I told him that when we first met he told me he wanted someone who wasn't picky, that didn't go on looks alone and want to be with someone because they were a good person. He remembered that. I said to him that did he realise he found that with me. He agreed.

When we finally got out of bed, I had to go. He hugged me a lot and said that I knew where he was. I could still come around. When we went outside he put his arms around me. We talked a little more. I said to him that I thought I had found the one with him. His response was to pull me tighter and say that we didn't know what was going to happen. I also told him that he knew didn't he, that he would never find anyone as good as I am. He laughed and said 100% sure of that. "no 110% right" he wouldn't.

So here I am sitting at home back to watching DVD's alone again. I spoke to M again and told her what was going on. She is convinced he is suffering depression. She told me last night that 3 years ago he went through a similar thing just before he ended up in hospital due to high blood pressure. She is going to talk to him. As I said to him. Even if we aren't together I don't want to see him like this.

I of course still don't know if he is just saying all this to not hurt my feelings or he really is just not wanting to be with anyone. I spoke to S and he has noticed a difference in A as well. So perhaps it is as A says it isn't just me it is all his friends he has no desire to be with. He said he was glad he had work because that is all he wanted to do.

My plan? Just step right back. But be in his life. I hope that M and I become good friends because I need that.

I nearly didn't write all this out but decided to for the simple fact I want to look back on this and remember it. I don't know why. But I do.

I am sick of having my heart broken. I hate having to start all over again. It feels different to when I split with D. I don't know how. Or even how to explain it but it does feel different.

Well yet again.....

it has all turned to crap. I can't be bothered going into it. Nothing has been said so I don't really know but I guess that is the point...nothing has been said. Bit hard to when he won't even communicate with me when we are not together.

SO over the uncertainty of it all and am basically saying it is done. It shouldn't be this hard.

men suck

that is all

Getting my head right......

So....lol geez. I got a txt from M late last night saying she had been thinking and didn't want to get involved with A and I relationship. That is fine. I have no drama with that at all. I just don't know what M has said to A.

But anyway. After having no contact today despite the fact I rang and txt I was starting to get pissed off. I finally got hold of him at about 7pm. Everything is fine. Seriously fine. He brought up about the dumping thing. M had said that. Yeah thanks M. (I think it is better she stays out of it as well really lol) So we ended up talking about things. I didn't bring up the dating site thing for a bit though. I told him that I wanted to settle down. I wanted to be with someone who loved and respected me and wanted to be with me forever. Blah blah. He said he wanted the same. Then the dating thing came up. I don't know if M told him or if he really did figure it out that he had been suckered in. Either way we spoke about it and like he said he has always been up front about it etc. Which he has. He has no interest in being with these women. He has a girlfriend and that is me.

He spins me out. He was so calm, and fine with it all. He did say that he has felt a bit smothered lately. I get that. That is my insecurities. I think I will say to him that if he ever feels smothered there must be something going on in my head and I am worried about us.

I am just sitting here thinking that I can't believe he didn't get angry. I have never been around someone like this.

So what it comes down to is this.....I need to chill. I need be secure in the fact that this man wants to be with me. And although I may not hear from him sometimes it doesn't matter. It means that he is busy. Work changed and he didn't get home until 5am and as such he has slept through my txt.

A few other things have happened with work etc but I am tired. This is the first chance since getting home I have actually sat down for longer than 5 minutes. And I am actually in bed about to go to sleep.

I could say all is right with the world now but I have friends who are hurting so all is not right with the world. And I wish I could fix things for them as easily as I can for myself.

Weighing it up

So I don't think I have mentioned that A has been this whole time on the dating site. Mainly I guess because it worries me so much and is a massive feeding ground for my insecurities.

We have spoken about it many times. Even his friend, who is now my friend as well, has spoken to him about it.

(just as an aside, I have just taken my work shoes off. For some reason they stink. Never noticed it before. I am sitting cross legged on my bed, perhaps that is why. They are closer to my nose???)

Anywho, he knows how much I hate it. It gets brought up every so often. And he continually assures me I have nothing to worry about. He is not D and all is well.

I have hardly seen him because of him being so sick and then this week he has been very distant, with barely any contact. It all came to a head last night when long story short he got set up for the want of better words, on the dating site. He told this woman that he was looking for ....blah blah. He went on about how he is always honest etc etc.

Needless to say I am pretty upset about it. Raina was my first point of call and she helped me heaps. I then spoke to M. She was shocked. She has known A for 8 years and said this is so not him. I am at this point convinced he is going to ditch me and he is in the process of finding someone new.

He was going to meet me for lunch but cancelled on me. Of course. I got him to ring me after that txt and just played it all light and asked about Friday as I have no kids. It was all fine. He was just his normal self and we talked for a while. Making plans.

I later get a txt saying what is this about me dumping you? Seems M spoke to him. I haven't spoken to A since so who knows. But he knows I talk to M about the dating site etc so not to worry.

The question now to be asked is what do I do. The two people who I have spoken to about it that I value their advice have said it doesn't sound like him and it is not normal. And it does go against everything I know of this wonderful man. But the point is still that he is on this site and I hate it.

M told me that A has never dumped anyone. I would believe that. He also doesn't like being smothered. So I guess I will do what the girls have said. Not to stress just bring it up. I think I will just say it is a problem what can we do about it.

He is such a wonderful man and this is just not me saying it. M has known him for 8 years and she says the same. You can't fool someone for 8 years and it fits with him never dumping anyone.

My part in this I am going to settle down. I don't know what the deal is I really don't. People are agreeing it is out of the norm for him. I am going to enjoy what I have with him. Accept that he is a bloke and as a result is slack in doing txt messages etc. I am going to back off a bit. Just to give myself space I think. And to show him I don't need him.

I have found a good friend in M and I think I will go out with her a bit now. I would go out Friday but given I haven't seen A for so long I do think we need a night home. (or at his house as the case is Friday)

So yeah I have not got my happy ending yet. I have more insight into this man I am seeing. And I guess I am just viewing this as a hiccup. As Raina said he is holding onto to this for a few reasons. Time will tell. Lol how many times do I have to say that. But as normal you all will be kept informed.