Day of surprises

I am really sad. A is away so even if everything was ok he would still be away. But I don't get the txt or anything. But as I said to K at work today, I wasn't getting them anyway. So the choice was I shut up and not say anything and be unhappy in a relationship or I push for answers and the relationship ending. So I guess this is the better because realistically long term I don't want to be in a crappy relationship.

The jury is still out as to what is going on in his head. I could ring M and ask if she spoke to him but really what is the point. I will be speaking to her at some stage and I will find out then if he is ok. Or if it is all just crap and he just does not want to be with me. I am basically telling myself that is the case but my heart still is clinging desperately to the hope that maybe there. I hate that. I hate that I am making myself feel like this for the sake of a guy.

Jane an old friend of mine who I don't see very often (my fault as I feel she has her own family etc and I shouldn't impose) invited me over yesterday. She gave me a big hug when I got there and I just dissolved into tears. I told her what went on and before I could say it she said it sounded like he was depressed. But for once I was totally honest and didn't pretend I was fine. I told her how I just felt so alone and worthless. That it was really hard to be positive about yourself when surrounded by the negative of rejection all the time. It is really hard for someone else to understand. Especially someone who has never experienced it and is happily married. But it was nice to say it to someone sitting in front of me and now she knows.

We are catching up next week. Having a girly day. Which is so nice of her to arrange. We are seeing a movie or window shopping or something but she arranged to be kid free and do something. I was just happy going to her place and talking again.

The other thing was guys from work. I txt J today one of the trainee managers. He is on holidays and when he comes back I am on holidays so I txt him about something to do with work and it just went from there. We ended up txting all day. He and I have always gotten on well together. Just able to talk and verbally spar a lot. We make each other laugh. He is only a young guy but we just get on well together. Anyway we are catching up next week, with another guy from work. I said to J that he had made me laugh and feel a bit better and thanked him. He responded with that is what he was there for and I could come over anytime and cry watching chick flicks and drink his beer. I was so shocked at that. lol of course this will fuel the rumours even more at work. We both get a bit of ribbing at work now saying we have the hots for one another. It pisses me off a bit as it is not like that and never ever will be. But people can't see passed that. Especially when a couple of them don't actually like J.

Another surprised I had was Mel from Osch said we should get together for a drink or go for a walk or something next week. She and I have always chatted a bit and we have similar backgrounds but me being me never made it anything other than her just looking after my kids and her son being friends with mine despite the fact that they go to different schools. So I guess she thinks that we could be friends as well and the fact I am getting another friend is really good.

So although originally excited about my holidays off because it meant more time with A they then loomed up with a week of me being at home with nothing to do but watch chick flicks and me crying. So now I have my day with Jane, my night with the boys, I am catching up with G at some point, I am also getting together with K, who I used to work with and now catching up with Mel. I am hoping that I will catch up with M as well, then I will get the goss on A as well.

I am hoping that all of that will help to keep my mind off A and from over thinking everything. I can't wait for Qld so I can catch up properly with Raina. I am looking forward to lazy days. Of course we are doing the theme parks but the kids are going to have to take those days and accept lazy days as well. I do not have a huge amount of spending money for this trip and also I want the lazy days to sit and chat with Raina. Bring it all on.

Fingers crossed this week I find out about the trainee manager position as well.

I only cried twice typing this out.