the story

If I don't do this now I never will. Prepare for a long one. After it all hit the fan last time with it all being fine and all. We had a great weekend. We all. S, M, A and I all went out to Anthems. It was a good night. We didn't get home until 4am. A and I slept until 4pm. We finally got up and had some breakfast lol. We went to the movies Saturday night and saw the Ugly Truth. It was an ok movie. It was funny. When then went for a drive around and ended up in a Hungry Jacks at 1am and sat and talked for an hour. We got back to my place and went to bed about 2.30am. The Sunday was spent sleeping and then dozing in front of the tv. Mum and dad came home and we were supposed to go and see them but A was feeling ill again and he ended up going home.

I then heard nothing again, during the week. I finally spoke to him Thursday and he assured me all was fine. And that I would look into getting a room somewhere for a night away. He mentioned that he may be going to Melbourne for the weekend to see the football. I then heard nothing until Sunday. I tried to get in contact but nothing. He txt me on the Sunday night and said he had needed some space and we didn't need to be in each others pockets. I agreed with him and he was ok with it until I said I needed to say some stuff but wanted to do it in person. So we made arrangements to catch up.

I went around there Monday night. We talked about the fact that he felt that I wanted to spend every minute with him. (which I did because I liked him) and that he needed space. I told him that I needed to hear from him and hated that he couldn't even txt me and say hey babe thinking of you or the like. So I felt we had sorted stuff out and we had a good time mucking around and stuff. This was just the Monday gone.

Then nothing. I txt him Tuesday and nothing. I had my stupid allergic reaction thing on Thursday night and I txt him. I also tried ringing. I then emailed him when I got home. I said that basically I was sick of this shit. I needed to know what was going on. I didn't understand what was happening. Whether he was just giving up. He was non communicative and distant but when we were together we were fine. I needed him to tell me the truth and not be crappy. I wanted to know because if he didn't want to be with me then I didn't want to waste his time or mine.

So 3am I get a txt. He had just gotten home. He told me that he couldn't be bothered doing anything or wanted to be with anyone. He didn't know what was wrong with him and that he didn't want to be in a relationship. He didn't know what he wanted.

I txt him during the day saying i didn't like his decision but I would respect it. (a long version of that) Of course there was no response.

When I got home he had been there to drop off a dish that I had taken to his house and a cd. He had collected his DVD's. He didn't leave the key though.

I went to M's that afternoon. I told her what had been going on.How he had been. How even S his house mate had noticed a change in him. She said it sounded like he was depressed. I would have to agree with her. I stayed at her place for a while. It was good. It was nice to talk to someone who has been through similar things to me. She is a lot stronger than I am. Emotionally. She is ok with being single and is happy to stay that way to avoid that crap that goes with being in a relationship. I wish I could be like that.

Anyway at about 10pm I went to A's house. Not knowing what to expect when I got there. He was basically out of it. Asleep on the couch. He woke up a little when I got there and then went back to sleep. I just sat and watched You've Got Mail which was on. He woke up and we just talked a little. Just about nothing that mattered. I ended up staying the night. No cuddles in the night but then he was pretty out of it. He was knackered.

In the morning we ended up talking. After of course having a some fun. He really isn't happy. He doesn't want to be with anyone. Assures me that there is no one else. I told him that he had hurt me. We are still friends. I still have my cinema partner. I of course cried on and off. I told him that when we first met he told me he wanted someone who wasn't picky, that didn't go on looks alone and want to be with someone because they were a good person. He remembered that. I said to him that did he realise he found that with me. He agreed.

When we finally got out of bed, I had to go. He hugged me a lot and said that I knew where he was. I could still come around. When we went outside he put his arms around me. We talked a little more. I said to him that I thought I had found the one with him. His response was to pull me tighter and say that we didn't know what was going to happen. I also told him that he knew didn't he, that he would never find anyone as good as I am. He laughed and said 100% sure of that. "no 110% right" he wouldn't.

So here I am sitting at home back to watching DVD's alone again. I spoke to M again and told her what was going on. She is convinced he is suffering depression. She told me last night that 3 years ago he went through a similar thing just before he ended up in hospital due to high blood pressure. She is going to talk to him. As I said to him. Even if we aren't together I don't want to see him like this.

I of course still don't know if he is just saying all this to not hurt my feelings or he really is just not wanting to be with anyone. I spoke to S and he has noticed a difference in A as well. So perhaps it is as A says it isn't just me it is all his friends he has no desire to be with. He said he was glad he had work because that is all he wanted to do.

My plan? Just step right back. But be in his life. I hope that M and I become good friends because I need that.

I nearly didn't write all this out but decided to for the simple fact I want to look back on this and remember it. I don't know why. But I do.

I am sick of having my heart broken. I hate having to start all over again. It feels different to when I split with D. I don't know how. Or even how to explain it but it does feel different.