I hate......

I wish my ex husband would die. Honestly if he got murdered tomorrow I would be the prime suspect as I want him out of my life, I want him out of my kids life. I hate him. I have never hated anyone until I left him. And I hate that as well.

Sunday he hurt Patrick.... again.... I am so sick of this. So is Patrick. He physically hurt Patrick and took his phone away so he couldn't call for help. We went down to the police station after school yesterday to report it but as there were no marks, (nothing new there, there never was with me either) and no witness's there is basically nothing to be done. They are sending a couple of detective's around to talk to him but I don't think he will be admitting it anytime soon.

So Patrick will not be going back to the Matt's. It is going against the order but if Matt doesn't like it well he can take it back to court. The other two kids will still be going back as they "sort of" still want to. While there is still a desire to go they will.

Matt also left a letter in my letter box yesterday which I can only assume is in response to my school letter that I typed up and was very polite and nice. This one was 6 pages of crap. Harping on about how bad I am, how I am to blame for everything blah blah, how he would never hurt his kids and how they want to be with him and he only wants whats best for them.

The worst part of all this is that it is my fault. Matt used to lock Lachlan in the car when he was about 1.5yrs old at night because he wouldn't stop crying sometimes. I am talking in the middle of the night 2am ish. He would then climb back into bed with Lachlan out in the car. I used to have to wake Matt back up to pester him to get him out of the car. I never did anything. I got told later that if i had called the police they would have removed Matt or the kids and things certainly would be different now. So why didn't I do anything? Because I was scared. I was scared about what Matt would do to me. How selfish is that? And now look. If only I had done something.

why?????

Why am I sitting here feeling like total crap. I am in tears actually and I don't even know why. I miss J, and I am so stupid for that. Probably more so I miss what i had with J. It's not like i can just ring up M and say hey I am feeling like crap please cheer me up. Which is what would happen if J and I were still in contact.

I guess I am just struggling at the moment. I have no money and bills coming at me left right and centre. I am having so much trouble with Lachlan that I don't know what to do. That woman won't get out of my house. She was supposed to move out last Sunday and hasn't. We have lodged a from 7 with the RTT but won't be heard probably until the 17th and who knows how much time they will give her.

I can't seem to lose this weight. Yes I know I need to change my eating habits but I am finding it so hard. So that of course is just frustrating me even more.

I still don't know how I feel about M. I like him but I don't know. Of course I could just be being silly and I have only seen him twice so how am I expected to know how I feel? I just wish there was a rule book.

I guess today is just a bad day. Kids have gone to school and will be off to Matt's tonight. I am feeling alone. My house needs to be tidied and I so can't be bothered.

lol how quick things turn around. M just rang me. We were just having a chat about nothing much. We are going to the movies tomorrow night. Geez I swing so much about him. Getting off the phone now and I think yeah I do like him. But give me another hour or so and I will be like I don't know. I think it is just because I want what i had with J. But I need to remember that it didn't start off like that with J. In fact this is really completely different as least this guy has met me now and wants to keep meeting me!

Ok I really better clean my toilet and bathroom, oh joy lol. I am feeling better than I was when I started this post. See aren't you glad he rang while I was writing this? So I guess that does say something about him.

the fantastic role model called Matt

I have just had my youngest son, and not for the first time, tell me how fat, ugly and horrible I am. I am an idiot, greedy and selfish. All because I asked him to put his shoes on at taekwondo. He didn't want to so I said find and started walking to the car. He let rip. I told him that he will not be staying with Nana and Baba while he continues to behave like that. He burst forth with more abuse. Honestly I could have been listening to Matt.

I really really do not know what to do. I didn't give him a kiss and a hug at bed time tonight. I told him that he has made me upset and hurt my feelings. Of course that went down well so I then took away his beanie kids. He is quiet now. I will try and talk to him in the morning but I have done it so many times before I know it won't make any difference.

Where is my bowl of milo cereal?

something amiss

Honestly there is something seriously wrong with me....... I miss J.

A day in the country

Well my day was lovely. M was the perfect gentleman, paying for everything, opening doors for me (cars and shops), was even going to help me on with my coat at one point but I didn't want it on at that point lol. I have to say it will take me a while to feel totally comfortable with it. Mind you by the time I do get comfortable with someone doing that will be about the time they stop lol and in years to come I will say why don't you do that anymore!!

He was very observant and picked up that I like the colour blue a lot even when I didn't even realise I was indicating such! He offered to let me drive his car, which is a very fancy sporty little thing, that I would be scared to drive in case I crashed it lol.

He has also said that he loves listening to me and doesn't think I talk to much!! haha sucker! lol poor guy!

So yes I like him and want to see him again. But still don't know! Yeah I know how can I not know. But I don't!! I need him to make a move I think. He is taking it all very slowly because he thinks that is what I want. Yeah ok it is what I want but not for that long lol. I am ready for the next bit now. I want him to put an arm around me. I want a bit of snogging!! Oh well we shall see.

Patrick was awful this morning. He was playing with Laura's tamagotchi and got rid of all her coins. I first said then he couldn't have the computer for a week. But then found a better punishment. He plays a game on the computer called runescape. It has an inventory. I am going to clear out his inventory. Boy oh boy that punishment hit the spot. But that was exactly what he did to Laura. I feel bad about it but I am going to do it as that is what he needs. He get saying you can't make me behave, you can't make me.... blah blah. I turned to him and said no you are right I can't but...... I can take away your things. I can not do your washing, I can not take you to soccer. I told him if he thought I was mean and nasty now he hasn't seen anything yet if he didn't start making an effort to behave. He had no comeback to that. Again we shall see.

My ex husband... the charmer

Fathers day. Woo hoo yeah like the kids really care. They were not keen to be going to his house today but they knew they had to. I also knew that Matt would be angry because handover was at 10am which is the same time his church starts. So he would be late.

Yes he was angry. He came over to where the kids and myself were standing. I started to walk away and as I did he says to me.... now wait for it..... it is good...."you better watch yourself you fucking rag". Told you it was good. Now I said nothing to him. I didn't even look at him.

Now is it any wonder that Patrick has no clue how to behave. I have the joyous task of teaching him that behaviour is wrong and yet the main male role model is contradicting what I say. You can see why I am very quickly going around the bend.

crapity crap crap crap

So the tenant in my house is supposed to be out on Sunday. There were phone calls flying around over the week as she in touch with this organisation who help people find accommodation. They wanted her to have more time. We the hard nose co-op that we are have said no. Thank God. I was worried there for a bit. But I still don't think she will be out. I have drawn up a form 7 to lodge with the Residential Tenancies Tribunal first thing Monday if she is not out. Which she won't be. I knew this would happen but I am still really upset by it. Add to that I have been trying to fix falling apart furniture that is just so old it is crazy I am feeling really crappy and teary.

I miss J. I miss him because I could just call him up and by the end of the phone call I would be feeling better. M and I are getting on really well but we are not up to that yet. He is not ready to see me who gets upset about stuff. At this point he is seeing the me who just lets everything roll over her and nothing upsets me. I replied to an email of his this morning. The closest i go to saying anything was just that I was frustrated about it all and need to stop thinking about it. When in truth I am sitting here in tears just sick of it all. I am so tempted just to pick up the phone and call J at the moment and then just feel better. But I know that will only be short term.

Why is everything so hard? Surely I have had my time with no money, small house and crap furniture? Can i have some time now where things are just a little bit easier? Why can't my ex just get on with his life and leave me and the kids the fuck alone.

I am looking forward to Monday though. Have I said this? That M and I are going to lunch together. We are meeting somewhere and then going up to the hills to Hahndorf in his car. We have had some good chats and he knows how I want to take it slow. But if we get alone well I don't want to take it that slow. I will never make the first move but I said to Rachel that I am going to have to start a bit of flirting if that is the case lol. I hope that this second meeting is a good as the first that he is as ok looking as he was the first time. I know that sounds odd but you know how you look at houses when thinking of buying and it isn't until later you sort of think "oh I didn't' notice that the first time?" I just want that comfortable stage like I had with J and have with G and then to take it to that next stage that steps beyond the boundaries of friends. I hate all this dancing around one another getting to know you biso. I know it is needed but I want to press fast forward. God will I ever be happy