So of course the week started with shit for brains doing what he does best. I have seem not to be able to pull out of that emotional drain that that pulled me into. Hard to explain. I am not down but I am not up. More just total exhaustion. The kids have had school swimming all week and that in no way has helped. I have hardly been home. The house looks a tip and at the moment it is hard to find the motivation to untip it! Hopefully with tomorrow routine comes and that will settle me.
Big massive step for me....... I have deleted all of J's numbers from my phones. He had still been txting me but I went off today so hopefully he was so deeply offended that he will leave me alone. Don't get me wrong he hasn't been hounding me but I just need him to not want to contact me either perhaps. I don't but I am so over it.
So over it in fact that I have put myself back onto the internet dating thing. Now since J I haven't really gone back on there and the one time I did no one touched me with a barge pole and those that did were wankers lol. I remember saying to G that I had the wanker magnet on. Any who I have been contact by a guy and we are chatting which is more than I have done for a long time. I was comfortable with J. I hate having to build up a relationship again. However this guy is saying all the right things and is happy to take it at my speed. He did say tonight that he will leave it up to me to suggest meeting lol. Poor guy. Doesn't know me that well yet to know that I will never make the first move like that. Still maybe I need to be brave. Apparently most normal well adjusted guys like confident chicks! Something I am not.
Here is revelation for you. Something J said to me a while ago. He said how can you be so assertive at your co-op meetings and know that you are going to be confident and assertive as a cop. My answer because I have to, it isn't personal. It doesn't affect me personally (well it does I guess but I don't see it like that) I guess I look at it as a job I have to do. I have learnt so much over the last two years (I think the first year of separation was just getting a grip with life again). I can only hope that learning all these things about myself will eventually help me get my shit together.
How is this..... I have a massive blind head pimple on the side of my chin!! What am I 15? What the?????? It is so sore! I guess it is stress. Lol now I sit here and think that of course it bloody is. I should know by now that my body turns on itself when it is stressed out so even when I don't think I am that stressed my body tells me otherwise. Time for a bit of compartmentalising me thinks.
ok off to shower some chlorine smelling children and tidy my tip.
Friday, 17 August 2007
Monday, 13 August 2007
when the shit hits the fan
This morning my dad rings me saying that he just got a txt from Shit for brains phone: Help PATRICK. We had no idea if it was M winding dad up trying to get him to txt or if it was Patrick. So I tried to call M who hung up on me as soon as he found out it was me. So I then rang the cops and they went and did a welfare check on the kids. (of course an enormous amount of worry time between when i rang and when they called me back) They finally called me back (communications not the patrol) and said that the kids were fine. It was Patrick that called and that there had been an argument but it was only minor. That wasn't good enough. For Patrick to risk txting someone on his dad's phone is major. He was a scared. So then I find out none of the kids are at school. (really freaking out now) Karen is going around the classrooms checking when she ran into Laura. I spoke to Laura on the phone and she said that Dad wasn't allowing Patrick to come to school because Patrick had been naughty. (to top it off the kids had school swimming and Patrick's was first up.)
So I roll up to the pool to see if on the off chance he would bring Patrick there. No go. Meanwhile I have spoken to the patrol who went out to the house but there was nothing they could do. The cop getting saying to me that he couldn't understand me as I was so upset. I then explained to the teacher what was happening. Then I went to my car. I sat there for a while as I didn't know what else to do. Karen then rang to tell me that Matt has rolled up with Patrick. One of the mums I know over heard Matt tell the teacher he was only there for swimming and then would be taking Patrick back home. Apparently whilst talking to the teacher matt was rubbing Patrick's head and back and Patrick hates that and it was plain for all to see.
I ummed and arrgghed about what to do. In the end I went in. I knew Matt wouldn't like it but I needed Patrick to see me. I didn't go up to Patrick but he saw me and I sat with Karen and watched.
Matt finally brought Patrick to school 5 minutes after the bell went. I was close to calling the cops again.
It was all over poo on the toilet floor!!!! Matt apparently went off last night and I mean really off and it continued this morning. To the point that Patrick pinched Matt's phone to txt. He then tried to get out of the car at school to make a run for the front office. Matt grabbed him by the neck to stop him. During the day Patrick has one bit of bread with Jam on it for breakfast and that was it. Matt also rang me and told me this was all my fault because I had the affair (which I didn't) and that I was a liar!
The worst thing about today was the fact that I was powerless. My son was scared. I know that. I know that he was so very scared and I couldn't help him.
Something that come to me today though was I know I love my kids. But you just go about daily stuff and it is just there. But something like today it just hits you so much it hurts. When dad called me my heart went and I was just freaking out. I can't explain it but that love hurt, there was fear and anger, but that was because of the love. I want to hurt Matt so much for scaring those kids. I still feel it now how helpless I felt, when I just knew how scared he was.
Ok that is out now. It is nice they are all home and safe even if they are all on a sugar high from mum and dad's.
So I roll up to the pool to see if on the off chance he would bring Patrick there. No go. Meanwhile I have spoken to the patrol who went out to the house but there was nothing they could do. The cop getting saying to me that he couldn't understand me as I was so upset. I then explained to the teacher what was happening. Then I went to my car. I sat there for a while as I didn't know what else to do. Karen then rang to tell me that Matt has rolled up with Patrick. One of the mums I know over heard Matt tell the teacher he was only there for swimming and then would be taking Patrick back home. Apparently whilst talking to the teacher matt was rubbing Patrick's head and back and Patrick hates that and it was plain for all to see.
I ummed and arrgghed about what to do. In the end I went in. I knew Matt wouldn't like it but I needed Patrick to see me. I didn't go up to Patrick but he saw me and I sat with Karen and watched.
Matt finally brought Patrick to school 5 minutes after the bell went. I was close to calling the cops again.
It was all over poo on the toilet floor!!!! Matt apparently went off last night and I mean really off and it continued this morning. To the point that Patrick pinched Matt's phone to txt. He then tried to get out of the car at school to make a run for the front office. Matt grabbed him by the neck to stop him. During the day Patrick has one bit of bread with Jam on it for breakfast and that was it. Matt also rang me and told me this was all my fault because I had the affair (which I didn't) and that I was a liar!
The worst thing about today was the fact that I was powerless. My son was scared. I know that. I know that he was so very scared and I couldn't help him.
Something that come to me today though was I know I love my kids. But you just go about daily stuff and it is just there. But something like today it just hits you so much it hurts. When dad called me my heart went and I was just freaking out. I can't explain it but that love hurt, there was fear and anger, but that was because of the love. I want to hurt Matt so much for scaring those kids. I still feel it now how helpless I felt, when I just knew how scared he was.
Ok that is out now. It is nice they are all home and safe even if they are all on a sugar high from mum and dad's.
Friday, 10 August 2007
when fools rush in
So the long awaited update on J. Long story and guess you all know it won't end happy. Bit of background. J's ex is a bitch. They have a court order regarding their son which is very restrictive for J. They have for a couple of years not been following it. The ex decided that J could see his son more often. (this I think is because the ex wants time to herself. She is a bit of a dope head, drinks and from what I have heard has lots of male friends) Their son who is 5 has a lot of developmental delays and there are lots of people involved and they often have to attend meetings together.
The ex likes control. She plays J like a violin. Threatening constantly to go back to the court order knowing full well that J will cave to whatever she wants basically.
So we were supposed to meet today/tonight. They had a meeting yesterday about a school that the son maybe transferring to. J didn't want to make a decision there and then (don't blame him, Long story) and needed to talk to the son's current teacher. Not quite sure on the story here but basically they appointment was for 12 today. J tried to get the ex to change it. She of course figured he had something on and cracked it and said we are going back to the court order, unless you take your son tonight. (he was supposed to have him tonight anyway but due to a party or something they worked it out that J would pick him up tomorrow) But the ex got wind that J may actually have a life outside of his son and has said you pick him up today or you don't' get him tomorrow. So you know where that leaves me. I understand J's situation I really do and I feel sorry for him but what am I supposed to do? The ex will never allow J to have a life. And I can't put myself in that position.
So it is done. I have not made a huge fuss as I know that this is not about how he feels about me. (although he should stand up to her but there is background about why he isn't inclined to rock the boat and it involves her not letting him see his son for a year) But I can't do it anymore. She won't change. I can't get involved with someone just to have the ex say get rid of her or you don't see your son.
Today therefore is not a good day. The realisation this time is different. I drove home from dropping the kids off from school just knowing how empty my life will be now and how everything is just going to be bottled up again because I have no one who I don't have to pretend to, no one that I can just talk to and let it all out. Right now I am looking at a very long few days ahead of me with no kids, and me just sitting at home stuffing my face full of food, feeling very lonely.
When is it going to happen for me? Because I don't like this feeling one little bit. I have lost my best friend. I know many of you don't understand and that is fine. I have explained before how much he was in my life and even this time with me playing hard to get he kept coming. As I said this time it isn't' about how he feels about me. Which I guess makes me realise how over it really is. I also know how hard it is going to be for me not to contact him when I am feeling so lonely and need to talk to him. But I have to do it this time. His life is never going to have room in it for me either just as a friend or something more. If I can't even just be friends with the guy what hope is there.
there you go. I just want to crawl back into bed with some chocolate actually but I have to pick Lachlan up for an eye appointment after lunch. So I am going to have a shower, put on some nice clothes and actually put makeup on and do that. Then (unless I meet the man of my dreams while I am out) I am going to come home and eat junk food and watch depressing romantic chick flicks just to depress myself further and not feel guilty at all. I will count the hours until I can go to bed and then in the morning I will go to taekwondo and kick the shit out of stuff despite my toe looking like a plum.
The ex likes control. She plays J like a violin. Threatening constantly to go back to the court order knowing full well that J will cave to whatever she wants basically.
So we were supposed to meet today/tonight. They had a meeting yesterday about a school that the son maybe transferring to. J didn't want to make a decision there and then (don't blame him, Long story) and needed to talk to the son's current teacher. Not quite sure on the story here but basically they appointment was for 12 today. J tried to get the ex to change it. She of course figured he had something on and cracked it and said we are going back to the court order, unless you take your son tonight. (he was supposed to have him tonight anyway but due to a party or something they worked it out that J would pick him up tomorrow) But the ex got wind that J may actually have a life outside of his son and has said you pick him up today or you don't' get him tomorrow. So you know where that leaves me. I understand J's situation I really do and I feel sorry for him but what am I supposed to do? The ex will never allow J to have a life. And I can't put myself in that position.
So it is done. I have not made a huge fuss as I know that this is not about how he feels about me. (although he should stand up to her but there is background about why he isn't inclined to rock the boat and it involves her not letting him see his son for a year) But I can't do it anymore. She won't change. I can't get involved with someone just to have the ex say get rid of her or you don't see your son.
Today therefore is not a good day. The realisation this time is different. I drove home from dropping the kids off from school just knowing how empty my life will be now and how everything is just going to be bottled up again because I have no one who I don't have to pretend to, no one that I can just talk to and let it all out. Right now I am looking at a very long few days ahead of me with no kids, and me just sitting at home stuffing my face full of food, feeling very lonely.
When is it going to happen for me? Because I don't like this feeling one little bit. I have lost my best friend. I know many of you don't understand and that is fine. I have explained before how much he was in my life and even this time with me playing hard to get he kept coming. As I said this time it isn't' about how he feels about me. Which I guess makes me realise how over it really is. I also know how hard it is going to be for me not to contact him when I am feeling so lonely and need to talk to him. But I have to do it this time. His life is never going to have room in it for me either just as a friend or something more. If I can't even just be friends with the guy what hope is there.
there you go. I just want to crawl back into bed with some chocolate actually but I have to pick Lachlan up for an eye appointment after lunch. So I am going to have a shower, put on some nice clothes and actually put makeup on and do that. Then (unless I meet the man of my dreams while I am out) I am going to come home and eat junk food and watch depressing romantic chick flicks just to depress myself further and not feel guilty at all. I will count the hours until I can go to bed and then in the morning I will go to taekwondo and kick the shit out of stuff despite my toe looking like a plum.
Thursday, 9 August 2007
all quiet on the western front
good. Not much happening really. Well there is I guess. G and I got together again and it was sooooooLol I must be so sex starved. Any way moving on......
boring boring boring really. Taekwondo last night and if I haven't broken a toe I have come very close to it. Swelling as gone down a lot. It is the colour of plums and the one next to it is a bit better. I am hobbling around like an old lady at the moment and it of course has put paid to any exercise for a bit.
The kids were so awful when they came home from their dad's Tuesday. It was horrible. The instructor at taekwondo told Patrick and Lachlan that they were not to train the next night as their behaviour was that bad during the class. Do you know how embarrassing that is? I was devastated. I often feel like I am the worst mum. I know deep down I am not but geez it is so hard dealing with these kids when the male role model in their lives is such a dick.
Oh more news on the house. The woman in there at the moment is cracking it saying we are not complying with the provisions set out in the act. Lol I just laughed so hard when I read it. Does she not realise whom she is dealing with. I have done property law woman and you don't have a leg to stand on. We are not evicting you we are just not renewing your lease. So basically if you don't get out of the house on the date you are supposed to then you are going to be the one breaching the act. I will have great pleasure in fronting up to the RTT. Bring it on!! Ok so the up shot of that is she is trying to bluff us. I called her bluff and sent her a lovely letter setting it all out and telling her we are not mediating. She may gain more time but love you are so out of there!!
boring boring boring really. Taekwondo last night and if I haven't broken a toe I have come very close to it. Swelling as gone down a lot. It is the colour of plums and the one next to it is a bit better. I am hobbling around like an old lady at the moment and it of course has put paid to any exercise for a bit.
The kids were so awful when they came home from their dad's Tuesday. It was horrible. The instructor at taekwondo told Patrick and Lachlan that they were not to train the next night as their behaviour was that bad during the class. Do you know how embarrassing that is? I was devastated. I often feel like I am the worst mum. I know deep down I am not but geez it is so hard dealing with these kids when the male role model in their lives is such a dick.
Oh more news on the house. The woman in there at the moment is cracking it saying we are not complying with the provisions set out in the act. Lol I just laughed so hard when I read it. Does she not realise whom she is dealing with. I have done property law woman and you don't have a leg to stand on. We are not evicting you we are just not renewing your lease. So basically if you don't get out of the house on the date you are supposed to then you are going to be the one breaching the act. I will have great pleasure in fronting up to the RTT. Bring it on!! Ok so the up shot of that is she is trying to bluff us. I called her bluff and sent her a lovely letter setting it all out and telling her we are not mediating. She may gain more time but love you are so out of there!!
Saturday, 4 August 2007
Building up heros
Patrick had soccer this morning. The coach for the other side was awful. Very vocal and rude to his team. It was not good. For some reason the other team got a goal because of our mistake. Something about a rule that we don't know about or something. I didn't understand it.
Then Patrick got a goal. Then the other team got a goal then Patrick got another. (ok imagine this drawn out throughout the game with many near misses and lots of parents screaming support to their loved one!) Anywho, the ref ( I swear he was only 12 lol) ok the last goal but the other coach who was standing near the middle of the field claimed our team was off side. (please please don't ask me what that rule is as I am still only just wrapping my head around it) Now because that coach was a rude loud mouth the ref back down and said our goal didn't count. How on earth that coach could see that it was off side from where he was standing is beyond me but there you go. Our poor team have not won one match all season. Se they were pretty disappointed but honestly they played so well. They came off and all of us told them that it didn't matter as they are getting better and better. Which they are. But you just had to feel sorry for them.
After that we went to a taekwondo competition. It wasn't fighting it was forms. 3 people from our club were competing. We got there just in time which was great and considering I only decided to call in on our way to Nana's. They did really well but we left before they announced what the scores were.
Then we went to my Nana's (mum's mum) for a birthday lunch thing as it was my aunt's birthday the week before mine. Lots of party food to be had and I am so not hungry. But it was a great afternoon but now I am just tired.
I need to get my eating sorted again now. The last week hasn't been to bad but it needs to be better. Got to really make that effort to get back into the groove again. (and make sure I chose hard core exercise over sex lol)
Then Patrick got a goal. Then the other team got a goal then Patrick got another. (ok imagine this drawn out throughout the game with many near misses and lots of parents screaming support to their loved one!) Anywho, the ref ( I swear he was only 12 lol) ok the last goal but the other coach who was standing near the middle of the field claimed our team was off side. (please please don't ask me what that rule is as I am still only just wrapping my head around it) Now because that coach was a rude loud mouth the ref back down and said our goal didn't count. How on earth that coach could see that it was off side from where he was standing is beyond me but there you go. Our poor team have not won one match all season. Se they were pretty disappointed but honestly they played so well. They came off and all of us told them that it didn't matter as they are getting better and better. Which they are. But you just had to feel sorry for them.
After that we went to a taekwondo competition. It wasn't fighting it was forms. 3 people from our club were competing. We got there just in time which was great and considering I only decided to call in on our way to Nana's. They did really well but we left before they announced what the scores were.
Then we went to my Nana's (mum's mum) for a birthday lunch thing as it was my aunt's birthday the week before mine. Lots of party food to be had and I am so not hungry. But it was a great afternoon but now I am just tired.
I need to get my eating sorted again now. The last week hasn't been to bad but it needs to be better. Got to really make that effort to get back into the groove again. (and make sure I chose hard core exercise over sex lol)
Thursday, 2 August 2007
ok time to fess up
Who is reading and who is not?? lol
I have decided that I want to make this blog private again given the private entries I am making. I really don't want my mother finding this. And there is a possibility of that happening.
SO if you want to keep reading let me know and I will add you to the list.
Thanks!!!!
I have decided that I want to make this blog private again given the private entries I am making. I really don't want my mother finding this. And there is a possibility of that happening.
SO if you want to keep reading let me know and I will add you to the list.
Thanks!!!!
Wednesday, 1 August 2007
did a bad bad thing.....
So G txt me today. Said did I want a PT session or a birthday session in bed. Ummm ahhh. I took my time deciding. Lol. I went to the gym on Monday and am still feeling the effects today so that was my excuse for picking the birthday session. Do you know what though? It wasn't that good. I mean it was but it wasn't. We chatted for a while first which is great but the sex is just sex. I do want more. I want the loving feelings that go with the sex not just the act itself. Does that make sense or am I just weird? I know if I get the choice again I will chose the gym! I feel guilty for not getting to the gym today now lol.
Also don't get me wrong the sex was good, I just want more.
So how is that for juicy details lol.
Not much else to report. R is in hospital with a broken foot and lower back. Her prowler is back (if there is one) she is lying to K and myself. I refuse to get involved this time. I know that sounds cruel but I can not be bothered going into the back ground of this as it is to long and detailed. Suffice to say that R has major mental issues that is are being dealt with drugs alone and nothing else. The drugs are just getting upped all the time but nothing else is happening is that enough for everyone? Please say yes lol. Anyway I have enough to cope with here without having to go through all that again.
Oh I am back into the study. Yippee. I haven't been studying for the last two semesters for the basic reason I haven't had the money too. Sad but true. So this semester I tackle commercial law. I am a week behind already because of my Nana last week so I have to get my butt back into gear.
Playing it safe and not saying that things with J are moving along ok. But I don't want to jinks it by telling anyone lol
Also don't get me wrong the sex was good, I just want more.
So how is that for juicy details lol.
Not much else to report. R is in hospital with a broken foot and lower back. Her prowler is back (if there is one) she is lying to K and myself. I refuse to get involved this time. I know that sounds cruel but I can not be bothered going into the back ground of this as it is to long and detailed. Suffice to say that R has major mental issues that is are being dealt with drugs alone and nothing else. The drugs are just getting upped all the time but nothing else is happening is that enough for everyone? Please say yes lol. Anyway I have enough to cope with here without having to go through all that again.
Oh I am back into the study. Yippee. I haven't been studying for the last two semesters for the basic reason I haven't had the money too. Sad but true. So this semester I tackle commercial law. I am a week behind already because of my Nana last week so I have to get my butt back into gear.
Playing it safe and not saying that things with J are moving along ok. But I don't want to jinks it by telling anyone lol
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