when fools rush in

So the long awaited update on J. Long story and guess you all know it won't end happy. Bit of background. J's ex is a bitch. They have a court order regarding their son which is very restrictive for J. They have for a couple of years not been following it. The ex decided that J could see his son more often. (this I think is because the ex wants time to herself. She is a bit of a dope head, drinks and from what I have heard has lots of male friends) Their son who is 5 has a lot of developmental delays and there are lots of people involved and they often have to attend meetings together.

The ex likes control. She plays J like a violin. Threatening constantly to go back to the court order knowing full well that J will cave to whatever she wants basically.

So we were supposed to meet today/tonight. They had a meeting yesterday about a school that the son maybe transferring to. J didn't want to make a decision there and then (don't blame him, Long story) and needed to talk to the son's current teacher. Not quite sure on the story here but basically they appointment was for 12 today. J tried to get the ex to change it. She of course figured he had something on and cracked it and said we are going back to the court order, unless you take your son tonight. (he was supposed to have him tonight anyway but due to a party or something they worked it out that J would pick him up tomorrow) But the ex got wind that J may actually have a life outside of his son and has said you pick him up today or you don't' get him tomorrow. So you know where that leaves me. I understand J's situation I really do and I feel sorry for him but what am I supposed to do? The ex will never allow J to have a life. And I can't put myself in that position.

So it is done. I have not made a huge fuss as I know that this is not about how he feels about me. (although he should stand up to her but there is background about why he isn't inclined to rock the boat and it involves her not letting him see his son for a year) But I can't do it anymore. She won't change. I can't get involved with someone just to have the ex say get rid of her or you don't see your son.

Today therefore is not a good day. The realisation this time is different. I drove home from dropping the kids off from school just knowing how empty my life will be now and how everything is just going to be bottled up again because I have no one who I don't have to pretend to, no one that I can just talk to and let it all out. Right now I am looking at a very long few days ahead of me with no kids, and me just sitting at home stuffing my face full of food, feeling very lonely.

When is it going to happen for me? Because I don't like this feeling one little bit. I have lost my best friend. I know many of you don't understand and that is fine. I have explained before how much he was in my life and even this time with me playing hard to get he kept coming. As I said this time it isn't' about how he feels about me. Which I guess makes me realise how over it really is. I also know how hard it is going to be for me not to contact him when I am feeling so lonely and need to talk to him. But I have to do it this time. His life is never going to have room in it for me either just as a friend or something more. If I can't even just be friends with the guy what hope is there.

there you go. I just want to crawl back into bed with some chocolate actually but I have to pick Lachlan up for an eye appointment after lunch. So I am going to have a shower, put on some nice clothes and actually put makeup on and do that. Then (unless I meet the man of my dreams while I am out) I am going to come home and eat junk food and watch depressing romantic chick flicks just to depress myself further and not feel guilty at all. I will count the hours until I can go to bed and then in the morning I will go to taekwondo and kick the shit out of stuff despite my toe looking like a plum.