So of course the week started with shit for brains doing what he does best. I have seem not to be able to pull out of that emotional drain that that pulled me into. Hard to explain. I am not down but I am not up. More just total exhaustion. The kids have had school swimming all week and that in no way has helped. I have hardly been home. The house looks a tip and at the moment it is hard to find the motivation to untip it! Hopefully with tomorrow routine comes and that will settle me.
Big massive step for me....... I have deleted all of J's numbers from my phones. He had still been txting me but I went off today so hopefully he was so deeply offended that he will leave me alone. Don't get me wrong he hasn't been hounding me but I just need him to not want to contact me either perhaps. I don't but I am so over it.
So over it in fact that I have put myself back onto the internet dating thing. Now since J I haven't really gone back on there and the one time I did no one touched me with a barge pole and those that did were wankers lol. I remember saying to G that I had the wanker magnet on. Any who I have been contact by a guy and we are chatting which is more than I have done for a long time. I was comfortable with J. I hate having to build up a relationship again. However this guy is saying all the right things and is happy to take it at my speed. He did say tonight that he will leave it up to me to suggest meeting lol. Poor guy. Doesn't know me that well yet to know that I will never make the first move like that. Still maybe I need to be brave. Apparently most normal well adjusted guys like confident chicks! Something I am not.
Here is revelation for you. Something J said to me a while ago. He said how can you be so assertive at your co-op meetings and know that you are going to be confident and assertive as a cop. My answer because I have to, it isn't personal. It doesn't affect me personally (well it does I guess but I don't see it like that) I guess I look at it as a job I have to do. I have learnt so much over the last two years (I think the first year of separation was just getting a grip with life again). I can only hope that learning all these things about myself will eventually help me get my shit together.
How is this..... I have a massive blind head pimple on the side of my chin!! What am I 15? What the?????? It is so sore! I guess it is stress. Lol now I sit here and think that of course it bloody is. I should know by now that my body turns on itself when it is stressed out so even when I don't think I am that stressed my body tells me otherwise. Time for a bit of compartmentalising me thinks.
ok off to shower some chlorine smelling children and tidy my tip.
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