Yeah I know corny!! But frankly that is how I feel. I have spent the morning in bed reading a dumb romance novel and managing to get totally depressed about it.
generally i am just feeling crap. Just emotionally crap. Things are happening with J again and I am scared about all that. Totally insecure and frustrated. He is giving a good impression of being interested, and my emotional state the way it is I am vulnerable. So I am scared but want it all to happen so bad. I am not saying anything else. No one and I mean no one knows what the full story is this time and I guess that is because I am scared it is going to crash around my ears and I look like an idiot again. My friends in RL don't even know that i am talking to him again.
I feel so weak sometimes.
Ok off to the gym to sort myself out.
Monday, 30 July 2007
Sunday, 29 July 2007
hoe hum
Really really not much happening. I have been sitting here getting slightly tiddly with red wine. I am such a cheap drunk. I hadn't even finished the first glass and I could feel it.
Things have been a bit sad the last few days. It is sort of hard to comprehend that my tough old battle axe of a nana is gone.
I went around to Karen's Friday night. They were having trouble connecting to broadband. So I went around there to sort it out. Still not sorted though as their line has to much interference and the ADSL just won't connect. I do remember something like this happening with me so hopefully getting a shorter phone call will help. I ended up staying and watching FNL which was good. A good catch up.
So I got word from G. He was planning on visiting me tonight but it is mum's birthday tomorrow (lol he will never ever ever forget my birthday) so they are having a bit of a do tonight apparently. So I will content myself with my new jim jams, my left over roast dinner, and my red wine lol.
oh J is still around. He is a bit like a bad smell actually.
Things have been a bit sad the last few days. It is sort of hard to comprehend that my tough old battle axe of a nana is gone.
I went around to Karen's Friday night. They were having trouble connecting to broadband. So I went around there to sort it out. Still not sorted though as their line has to much interference and the ADSL just won't connect. I do remember something like this happening with me so hopefully getting a shorter phone call will help. I ended up staying and watching FNL which was good. A good catch up.
So I got word from G. He was planning on visiting me tonight but it is mum's birthday tomorrow (lol he will never ever ever forget my birthday) so they are having a bit of a do tonight apparently. So I will content myself with my new jim jams, my left over roast dinner, and my red wine lol.
oh J is still around. He is a bit like a bad smell actually.
Friday, 27 July 2007
Its going to be a long one
My Nana died on Monday. (dad's mum) It was very sudden. It was a sort of thing that you just didn't expect her to do. I expected her to survive it so she could talk about it endlessly.
The funeral was yesterday and it wasn't until yesterday I cried. God it was awful. And crying now remembering it. I mean it was lovely but it was awful. At the graveside it was worse. My kids had been fine and really I don't think they understood. We only ever really saw Nana in the school holidays because it was a two hour trip to get there and the cost of fuel didn't help. But at the grave my kids just lost it. Patrick mainly. (we think Lachlan just joined in because the others did) but I think it just hit for Patrick. He is old enough to know. And I guess the fact that old nana was in this box and we were throwing lavender on it hit home to him. Shit it was hard.
Ok moving on now as I am upset now. Funny couple of stories relate to that. One being Lachlan. Earlier in the week I was explaining to him what a funeral was, where we say good bye and we bury her. So the day before the funeral I said to the kids we were going to it tomorrow. lachlan wanted to know if we needed to bring the shovel!! Of course this got a few laughs when it got told around yesterday.
Another one is when Nana was in hospital last weekend for some reason she had to have her photo taken. (no idea what drugs she was on at this point but I still think she would have done it) she didn't want the photo taken and argued and argued. Finally she agreed, as they took the photo she lifted her top up over her head and flashed them all!! No bra on, nothing!! Would have love to have seen the photographers reaction!!
Not much else is happening. I have J still chasing and seems to be working but not saying much at this point as I am not getting my hopes up. Saw G Wednesday and he was very cagey. I brought it up (although bit hard to talk about us when we are in a gym) and he was a bit funny about it. I said to him so if I jumped you that night we had dinner you would have done it. Bugger said yes lol. However he txt me late last night asking if I had kids Sunday. I replied with no. He just said just checking. I left it at that, but who knows what he has up his sleeve. I know his mum's birthday is on Monday but don't know when he is seeing her. If it is Sunday night I may get a visit after that!!
That is me done. I am feeling down in the dumps. Understandable I guess.
I will put up a photo later of my Nana and myself. It is in the car and I have to take the kids to school.
Oh I got my car back yesterday but no bull bar. The one they got didn't fit. So it will have to go back at some point to have that fitted. But I needed it yesterday regardless. It is so shiny even more than when I brought it. And it has the new car smell again. The novelty hadn't really worn off of having it when I had the accident so now it is like having a new car all over again. Only thing is that I used to LOVE driving. Last night in peak hour it was awful. I was so paranoid. I am never like that. Mum says that will wear off. I hope so.
This is nana and I.
Taken in 1994. My grandpa was really sick and not expected to live to see me married. So nana came with me to one of my dress fittings so she could take some photos to show Grandpa. I am glad I have these photos. I forgot about them but they had put them up for the funeral. (so I pinched them at the end lol)
The funeral was yesterday and it wasn't until yesterday I cried. God it was awful. And crying now remembering it. I mean it was lovely but it was awful. At the graveside it was worse. My kids had been fine and really I don't think they understood. We only ever really saw Nana in the school holidays because it was a two hour trip to get there and the cost of fuel didn't help. But at the grave my kids just lost it. Patrick mainly. (we think Lachlan just joined in because the others did) but I think it just hit for Patrick. He is old enough to know. And I guess the fact that old nana was in this box and we were throwing lavender on it hit home to him. Shit it was hard.
Ok moving on now as I am upset now. Funny couple of stories relate to that. One being Lachlan. Earlier in the week I was explaining to him what a funeral was, where we say good bye and we bury her. So the day before the funeral I said to the kids we were going to it tomorrow. lachlan wanted to know if we needed to bring the shovel!! Of course this got a few laughs when it got told around yesterday.
Another one is when Nana was in hospital last weekend for some reason she had to have her photo taken. (no idea what drugs she was on at this point but I still think she would have done it) she didn't want the photo taken and argued and argued. Finally she agreed, as they took the photo she lifted her top up over her head and flashed them all!! No bra on, nothing!! Would have love to have seen the photographers reaction!!
Not much else is happening. I have J still chasing and seems to be working but not saying much at this point as I am not getting my hopes up. Saw G Wednesday and he was very cagey. I brought it up (although bit hard to talk about us when we are in a gym) and he was a bit funny about it. I said to him so if I jumped you that night we had dinner you would have done it. Bugger said yes lol. However he txt me late last night asking if I had kids Sunday. I replied with no. He just said just checking. I left it at that, but who knows what he has up his sleeve. I know his mum's birthday is on Monday but don't know when he is seeing her. If it is Sunday night I may get a visit after that!!
That is me done. I am feeling down in the dumps. Understandable I guess.
I will put up a photo later of my Nana and myself. It is in the car and I have to take the kids to school.
Oh I got my car back yesterday but no bull bar. The one they got didn't fit. So it will have to go back at some point to have that fitted. But I needed it yesterday regardless. It is so shiny even more than when I brought it. And it has the new car smell again. The novelty hadn't really worn off of having it when I had the accident so now it is like having a new car all over again. Only thing is that I used to LOVE driving. Last night in peak hour it was awful. I was so paranoid. I am never like that. Mum says that will wear off. I hope so.
This is nana and I.
Taken in 1994. My grandpa was really sick and not expected to live to see me married. So nana came with me to one of my dress fittings so she could take some photos to show Grandpa. I am glad I have these photos. I forgot about them but they had put them up for the funeral. (so I pinched them at the end lol)
Sunday, 22 July 2007
fingers crossed everyone please
Had our monthly co-op meeting again today. Looks like I have my house. Ok I can't really put my hand up for it at the moment as we only just decided to not renew the tenant's lease and as i am rent co-ordinator I have been the main instigator. Hey though she has been the one in the wrong. She was supposed to get her rent up to date and in advance by two week. That has not been done. So sorry not my fault and I will have your house thank you very much.
I was not game enough to speak to the people who are in charge of putting people in the houses so I got someone else to do my dirty work for me. I don't know how that went as I had to leave the meeting early. But looks good at this stage. A four bedroom house. With an extra bit of living space. I won't know myself. It faces the wrong way for the sun of course but there are roller shutters on the front windows so that will keep the worst of the heat out.
Next thing is fighting with the major dick himself to get the kids shifted to this school that is 2 minutes down the road by foot. He will claim it is to far for him to travel but he only has to make 4 trips in a fortnight so get over it pal. I will fight for it I can tell you. I am sure if it goes to court the courts will see it my way as well, especially as it is a bigger house for the kids. Best news is that while my income stays the same so will my rent. So I will be paying $216 fortnight for a four bedroom house.
Lol can you tell I am excited. I am going to have to save some of my "johnny Howard" money for removalists. I will move the majority but the furniture will have to be done by the guys in the know. Looking at mid September at this stage. I am going to have to get some more cupboards as well. Oh and the big downer at this point which is going to kill me is that it is going to be very hard to get ADSL. Mum and dad havn't even got it yet and they have been there over a month now. I am going to have to go back to dial up. Shit shit damn damn. Not happy Jan about that.
Ahhh the sacrifices we make for our kids lol
I was not game enough to speak to the people who are in charge of putting people in the houses so I got someone else to do my dirty work for me. I don't know how that went as I had to leave the meeting early. But looks good at this stage. A four bedroom house. With an extra bit of living space. I won't know myself. It faces the wrong way for the sun of course but there are roller shutters on the front windows so that will keep the worst of the heat out.
Next thing is fighting with the major dick himself to get the kids shifted to this school that is 2 minutes down the road by foot. He will claim it is to far for him to travel but he only has to make 4 trips in a fortnight so get over it pal. I will fight for it I can tell you. I am sure if it goes to court the courts will see it my way as well, especially as it is a bigger house for the kids. Best news is that while my income stays the same so will my rent. So I will be paying $216 fortnight for a four bedroom house.
Lol can you tell I am excited. I am going to have to save some of my "johnny Howard" money for removalists. I will move the majority but the furniture will have to be done by the guys in the know. Looking at mid September at this stage. I am going to have to get some more cupboards as well. Oh and the big downer at this point which is going to kill me is that it is going to be very hard to get ADSL. Mum and dad havn't even got it yet and they have been there over a month now. I am going to have to go back to dial up. Shit shit damn damn. Not happy Jan about that.
Ahhh the sacrifices we make for our kids lol
Saturday, 21 July 2007
well well well
I am feeling pretty good today. (eating to much still but we will brush that aside for the minute) I think it is the fact that although the contact is spasmodic and not real committal the fact that I have heard from J means he is slightly interested. It means that I have the power. I was prepared to walk away. I did not make the first move back to contact him, he did. Therefore I have the power. How sick does that sound though? Sounds awful that I have the power. But lol I am liking it.
Add to that the fact that G is interested in getting down and dirty with me is also a little boast for my confidence. Mind you I bet he wishes he never ever ever said this to me as I throw it back in his face a lot. He once said to me "any sex is good sex!". What a man comment. Still, I have something he wants and it is up to me whether he gets it or not. Ok sure I doubt it will upset him to much if I said no but the power is going to my head........ (insert evil evil laugh here!)
Add to that the fact that G is interested in getting down and dirty with me is also a little boast for my confidence. Mind you I bet he wishes he never ever ever said this to me as I throw it back in his face a lot. He once said to me "any sex is good sex!". What a man comment. Still, I have something he wants and it is up to me whether he gets it or not. Ok sure I doubt it will upset him to much if I said no but the power is going to my head........ (insert evil evil laugh here!)
A funny thing happened.....
Men... yep again men..... They really really do my head in. They really are after only one thing. Well actually no that is not true otherwise J would have met me by now. Hey we had worked out our last meeting to the point of a motel room and who was using the bathroom first so sex was going to happen. But the meet didn't happen even though he was going to get it.
Ok so that was a tangent. My reasoning behind this is this little story. I txt G yesterday morning about rock climbing sometime in the future. Well geez he was keen. Surprised me actually. In the txt going back and forth trying to sort out a date, he comes out with, "I think it is about time we had another good bed session hey?" Lol out of left field totally. Now I have mentioned that he doesn't have a girlfriend any more. Hasn't had for a couple of weeks. A bit more back ground which I did mention is when he came to dinner. I didn't go into great depths as to the lead up to that but perhaps I need to as I think I read the signs wrong. So background it is......
When I txt G (we always txt. Very very rarely talk on the phone) about dinner he returned with "will there be extra's at this dinner" or words to that effect. I joked and replied with well I was going to supply dessert but I can include choc as well. (all totally above board and dessert was not a indication of sex lol) Then when I saw him at the gym before dinner it some how came up again and I thought he just wasn't interested and I made the comment "probably not a good idea. Been there done that". He agreed but perhaps it was because I didn't really give him a chance. Who knows perhaps he is just horny and has changed his mind.
So my dilemma is yes I want sex. I miss having someone in my bed for the closeness before, during and after the act. I love the hugs, I love the kisses. I just love that closeness, the talking, just everything really. I know that it won't damage our friendship because we have been there and done that. The only reason though it doesn't damage our friendship is because I pretend. I pretend that I am just happy with the sex that I really really don't want more. When in actual fact I do want more. I want it to be more than sex. I want the whole I am beautiful and he wants to spend his life with me.... lol yeah I know I am sap. But that is how I feel. So do I go back to the something is better than nothing or so I leave things how they are and survive???? Knowing how weak I am I know what is going to happen. But as he said we will discuss at the gym....lol
As for the other dick in my life. There have been quite a few txt's back and forth. Now we have two options here. He is just playing with my head........ or he is a typical male and doesn't not do feelings well and this is the start of him trying to sort it out. Of course I want it to be option 2 because I am a sap. My nature because of my low self esteem is to pour my feelings out in the hope that he will return the favour. Well my friends that is not going to happen this time. Well I am going to try anyway. I am going to play hard to get. A new thing for me. As I am easily got. I am a sucker for nice words. I miss him and I really like him. SO the fear of him not being in my life is actually quite hard to cope with. I hate the fact that I have this thing with him. I also know it is because I have no one else there. He was my only option. Dare I say it?? I feel desperate. In actual fact I do know my weaknesses and he knows them to I guess. I am a sucker. I want to be loved so badly that I grasp at straws. Although I have been hurt so many times I still don't really have trust issues because a few nice words and I am back there. I guess that is why I stayed with Matt for so long. (well one of the reasons.)
So there you go. My non existent love life.
On the car front. I don't get it back until Tuesday or Wednesday. Geez. I hate to think what would have happened if it had been worse. Well I know what would have happened. The car would have been written off. I think even now the insurance company wished they had. Lol good to know I got something out of all the money I have paid I guess.
The puppies yesterday were so cute. Dad washed them and then I dried them. The kids had a ball. The pup's have always been so filthy. (imagine 9 puppies who aren't toilet trained and only just starting to eat in a confined place. They step in all and then step on each other.) Poor dad has to basically clean the cage out constantly as they do make such a mess. And I think bathing is going to be happening weekly now. Although he did say as they get older they stay cleaner longer. I have many photos of the kids with the pups. They will certainly be kid proof by the time they are sold that is for sure. (that is the dogs not kids. Although that is a very very tempting thought)
Ok so that was a tangent. My reasoning behind this is this little story. I txt G yesterday morning about rock climbing sometime in the future. Well geez he was keen. Surprised me actually. In the txt going back and forth trying to sort out a date, he comes out with, "I think it is about time we had another good bed session hey?" Lol out of left field totally. Now I have mentioned that he doesn't have a girlfriend any more. Hasn't had for a couple of weeks. A bit more back ground which I did mention is when he came to dinner. I didn't go into great depths as to the lead up to that but perhaps I need to as I think I read the signs wrong. So background it is......
When I txt G (we always txt. Very very rarely talk on the phone) about dinner he returned with "will there be extra's at this dinner" or words to that effect. I joked and replied with well I was going to supply dessert but I can include choc as well. (all totally above board and dessert was not a indication of sex lol) Then when I saw him at the gym before dinner it some how came up again and I thought he just wasn't interested and I made the comment "probably not a good idea. Been there done that". He agreed but perhaps it was because I didn't really give him a chance. Who knows perhaps he is just horny and has changed his mind.
So my dilemma is yes I want sex. I miss having someone in my bed for the closeness before, during and after the act. I love the hugs, I love the kisses. I just love that closeness, the talking, just everything really. I know that it won't damage our friendship because we have been there and done that. The only reason though it doesn't damage our friendship is because I pretend. I pretend that I am just happy with the sex that I really really don't want more. When in actual fact I do want more. I want it to be more than sex. I want the whole I am beautiful and he wants to spend his life with me.... lol yeah I know I am sap. But that is how I feel. So do I go back to the something is better than nothing or so I leave things how they are and survive???? Knowing how weak I am I know what is going to happen. But as he said we will discuss at the gym....lol
As for the other dick in my life. There have been quite a few txt's back and forth. Now we have two options here. He is just playing with my head........ or he is a typical male and doesn't not do feelings well and this is the start of him trying to sort it out. Of course I want it to be option 2 because I am a sap. My nature because of my low self esteem is to pour my feelings out in the hope that he will return the favour. Well my friends that is not going to happen this time. Well I am going to try anyway. I am going to play hard to get. A new thing for me. As I am easily got. I am a sucker for nice words. I miss him and I really like him. SO the fear of him not being in my life is actually quite hard to cope with. I hate the fact that I have this thing with him. I also know it is because I have no one else there. He was my only option. Dare I say it?? I feel desperate. In actual fact I do know my weaknesses and he knows them to I guess. I am a sucker. I want to be loved so badly that I grasp at straws. Although I have been hurt so many times I still don't really have trust issues because a few nice words and I am back there. I guess that is why I stayed with Matt for so long. (well one of the reasons.)
So there you go. My non existent love life.
On the car front. I don't get it back until Tuesday or Wednesday. Geez. I hate to think what would have happened if it had been worse. Well I know what would have happened. The car would have been written off. I think even now the insurance company wished they had. Lol good to know I got something out of all the money I have paid I guess.
The puppies yesterday were so cute. Dad washed them and then I dried them. The kids had a ball. The pup's have always been so filthy. (imagine 9 puppies who aren't toilet trained and only just starting to eat in a confined place. They step in all and then step on each other.) Poor dad has to basically clean the cage out constantly as they do make such a mess. And I think bathing is going to be happening weekly now. Although he did say as they get older they stay cleaner longer. I have many photos of the kids with the pups. They will certainly be kid proof by the time they are sold that is for sure. (that is the dogs not kids. Although that is a very very tempting thought)
Thursday, 19 July 2007
really and truely hanging on today
Took Patrick rock climbing today. I would have loved to have done it but had no one to do the belay for me. Patrick had a good time though. It was good for him I think because he really had to work through it. At first he would stop and ask to be let down when it got to hard but I conned him into keep trying and finding a way up when there weren't that many steps to chose from. He did really well.
Still don't have my car back. Arghhhh I so want my car back. Hopefully I will get the call tomorrow. I am almost out of petrol in this loan car and know that as soon as I put some in they will call me and say oh your car is ready. I don't think I have much fuel in my car so fingers crossed it works out.
So guess who contacted me?...... Yeah ok bet you don't need 3 guesses. It wasn't major but he popped up on yahoo but under his msn thingo. I am a bit unsure how he ended up there actually but there you go. He didn't say anything just must have double clicked and then pressed enter to send to me. Then went off line. I txt him the next day and of course he denies all knowledge. We had a bit of a thing going back and forth. I told him last time not to contact me. This time I told him not to contact me unless it is to fix us. He then said something else and I replied with the don't contact me unless to fix us. Heard nothing since. I guess this will clear it up once and for all won't it? I am sort of feeling better about it now because if he does crawl back I am going to make him work for it that is for sure. Hehe not looking forward to telling G though. We were talking about it on Tuesday and I told him how I really wanted to call J and G and I had a bit of a conversation about why i wanted to do that. (As much as you can in a gym full of people) I told him that I wasn't going to call J and that I was resisting. He insisted that I keep resisting.
Anyone seen that Handy ultra paper towel advert on tv? (Australian) It cracks me up every time for the simple fact that my kids love it. "these are tights...... this is handy...... this is a dog..... this is handy" Who knows why my kids enjoy it so much but hey it is the simple things.
Because on the down side if my kids sit in front of the tv and fight over the cats and which kid they are going to I will scream....... I think we need another cat. One for each kid. Was fine when Annie was still here but only 2 cats and 3 kids. You do the math and work out the fights!! Yep it is the simple things. Mind you I can get the last laugh as it doesn't matter how comfortable or which kid the cat is sitting on I only need to click my fingers and the cats come to me!! lol then thats starts some whinging.
Funny thing I saw today. A bakery with a drive thru!! Next door to KFC. Patrick and I had to have lunch so we went to the bakery. I wasn't brave enough for the drive thru but thought it funny all the same.
Still don't have my car back. Arghhhh I so want my car back. Hopefully I will get the call tomorrow. I am almost out of petrol in this loan car and know that as soon as I put some in they will call me and say oh your car is ready. I don't think I have much fuel in my car so fingers crossed it works out.
So guess who contacted me?...... Yeah ok bet you don't need 3 guesses. It wasn't major but he popped up on yahoo but under his msn thingo. I am a bit unsure how he ended up there actually but there you go. He didn't say anything just must have double clicked and then pressed enter to send to me. Then went off line. I txt him the next day and of course he denies all knowledge. We had a bit of a thing going back and forth. I told him last time not to contact me. This time I told him not to contact me unless it is to fix us. He then said something else and I replied with the don't contact me unless to fix us. Heard nothing since. I guess this will clear it up once and for all won't it? I am sort of feeling better about it now because if he does crawl back I am going to make him work for it that is for sure. Hehe not looking forward to telling G though. We were talking about it on Tuesday and I told him how I really wanted to call J and G and I had a bit of a conversation about why i wanted to do that. (As much as you can in a gym full of people) I told him that I wasn't going to call J and that I was resisting. He insisted that I keep resisting.
Anyone seen that Handy ultra paper towel advert on tv? (Australian) It cracks me up every time for the simple fact that my kids love it. "these are tights...... this is handy...... this is a dog..... this is handy" Who knows why my kids enjoy it so much but hey it is the simple things.
Because on the down side if my kids sit in front of the tv and fight over the cats and which kid they are going to I will scream....... I think we need another cat. One for each kid. Was fine when Annie was still here but only 2 cats and 3 kids. You do the math and work out the fights!! Yep it is the simple things. Mind you I can get the last laugh as it doesn't matter how comfortable or which kid the cat is sitting on I only need to click my fingers and the cats come to me!! lol then thats starts some whinging.
Funny thing I saw today. A bakery with a drive thru!! Next door to KFC. Patrick and I had to have lunch so we went to the bakery. I wasn't brave enough for the drive thru but thought it funny all the same.
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