Bloody Kids

God being a parent is so hard. My kids were so bad at taekwondo, it is embarrassing. The worst bit is I tell them to do something and they don't do it. The instructor tells them to do it and they do. Patrick is in his bed crying because he says I want him to be perfect. It isn't that. I just want him to do what he is told!! even on the second telling would be good. I just don't get it. Each week we go through this. They are great and they lose it. Ok they get bored and start mucking around but Patrick is 10 surly he can start to figure stuff out. His whole attitude sucks though. Least Laura is humble about it. Patrick isn't. He just thinks he has done nothing wrong.


ARGHHHHHHHHHH

Just ticking along

Not much happening really. I have spoken to M now twice on the phone. Nearly two hours tonight. Lol that is my fault. I do have a bit of a bad rep for talking to long on the phone. Both J and G can attest to that. I think I am feeling ok about it all. We have both said slow. I have told him I am wary. But we both said friends and if something more well and good. Added bonus. We are meeting again on Monday for lunch.

Kids had an ok weekend with their dad. So they should have after last time. I think he is planning something because I don't believe people change. There is just stuff he is doing, like taking Patrick to a counsellor. Letting Patrick go to his friends place. Something is up. Call my a cynic but honestly I don't believe people change least of all this man. It was only a week ago that he was blaming me for Patrick's behaviour because I am a liar and a cheat and a slut. So whatever he is up to can't be good. I think it has something to do with me wanting to change the kids school. Time will tell. I am changing the school regardless of what he says. Of course I won't just do that but I have already written the nice letter asking him to let me know his concerns and reasons for them not to change and I haven't heard a word. If he was serious he would have tried to discuss it. I repeat he will never ever change and I smell something so ripe at the moment it could quite possibly be fish!!

Went out to lunch today with Rachel. (yes we have kissed and made up! sort of lol. I just need to keep my mouth shut. She has a mental illness so I have to take that into account) Any who we both had the Surf and Turf! lol never had it before but gee it was nice.

No exercise today but back into it with G tomorrow. I think I will give him permission to whip my butt!!

Posted off my police app today. Fingers crossed.

Oh will find out about my house next week as well. The woman is supposed to move out next Sunday. Keep fingers crossed for that one as well!

A good time was had by all.

So yesterday I met M. Fantastic to find out there was no speech impediment! His teeth are not perfect though lol. We had a good time. Just sat and had hot drinks and talked. The time flew by really quickly which was great. He gave me flowers which was very lovely.

I am still wary. I txt him yesterday saying thanks and I had a good time. He txt saying he had emailed me (I wasn't home) but that answered his question. I of course couldn't wait until I got home and wanted to know what that question was. Basically he wanted to know if I thought we clicked or not..... oh here it is here that is easier

However, I realize you may not have the same view point. So I want to give you the opportunity now to let me know whether you think something clicked between us or not. I would appreciate your honesty here. No point in going further if you think this is not going to work.

So after agonising over what to reply with (which Rachel's help) I txt back saying yes it was good. I look forward to seeing him again but can't offer any guarantees. He was happy with that. But he is still so eager! Not quite sure what to do about it as I am not that eager. I mean I am but also wary. Perhaps I know I get sucked in and am holding back because I know I am a sucker for nice words. Perhaps I am just a cynic.

This is from the latest email.......

I really liked your company yesterday. You have a beautiful face and may I say, without possibly offending you, a beautiful body as well.

Don’t let anybody tell you different. I cannot for the life of me imagine how anybody could let you go.

Now that is a lovely thing to say but is it to soon? I have just replied to this email and didn't refer to that comment but said that I am still wary and that at the moment I am after quality rather than quantity. I mean just because I liked him, got on well with him and wish to see him again does not mean I want to skip 100 steps in the process.

This is all so hard. Am I thinking about it to much should I just go with it? I find it so hard to say what I am feeling as it may hurt someone else's feelings. But I don't know what I am feeling. I would like it to go further with him. I would love it if we continued to get on well and things just chuffed along. I think lol. I said to Rachel and this is really really horrible is this all I deserve? A guy who is not that tall, funny teeth and average looks? She said to me Look at Simon (Karen's husband who is the nicest man you would ever know) would you ever have dated someone like him. The answer is no but he is fantastic and what I would want for myself. Rachel said that that could be Mike and she is right. Time will tell.

On the beautiful body bit. Just as well he saw me now. I have no idea what I weigh but I have put on so much weight I can't fit into my any of my pants. I am so ashamed. I can't believe it. Hopefully this week and after last week full of exercise I will get my eating in order. Karen is back at the gym again but I need to get this under control. I can't believe it. I do put it down to not exercising enough. Yes I have been eating heaps but usually the exercise counteracts that. Now I need to act on it or I will never make it to the police.

Talking of police. I did my typing test the other day. 47 words 100%. I slowed down so much it wasn't funny. The woman showed me where I had to get to in five minutes for 30 words. I was shocked and thought I can do that no worries. So i just slowed right down and made sure I made no mistakes. Of course even scratching my nose and taking it slow I still by passed that mark. So that is good. I would have sent it all yesterday but I don't have a big enough envelope so I will send it all tomorrow.

Let the Games Begin

So I spoke to G today about M. I have decided to meet him this weekend. Now this guy is really really keen. I told that to G and that I was wary. He said what do you mean keen. In the emails there are little subtle references to us having a future together. Like he said I can't wait to show you these photos, you will love me car when you drive it. I don't know what to make of them. G said it was fine and not to be worried about it. He reckons it is just positive reinforcement or whatever. He told me just to keep my defenses up and it will be fine. He also told me that he gets really nervous about first dates. So funny I just can't picture it but there you go. I have been worrying that this guy has a speech impediment or has horrible teeth lol. Yes I am judging someone on those things but lets be honest looks play a big part. I may really like him him horrible teeth and all. lol. Anyway G sort of gave me some hints to end it if I need to so that is good as that is where I suck.

M has said just coffee. That is good as well. Short sweet but the view to extend if we do hit it off. I am still going to be nervous as anything but I guess I will have to live with it.

Personal training was good today. I have shin splints in one leg. Very weird. But I am staying off the treadmill for a while again. G has me doing these sprints on the bike though. 30 seconds on level 6 just slow going and then 30 seconds up to level 80 where I have to go as fast as I can. OMG it kills me!! Good for me though as he keeps telling me lol.

Kids were at Matt's last night. Haven't heard anything so assuming all is well. I haven't been able to track the mobile phone at all. I think it is because Patrick has had it in his pocket all the time, not around his neck. I am going to have to tell him he needs to bring it out for at least 20 minutes each day so that it marks it. Still he can call it if he needs.

Got my school results finally. Just need to sort my resume and get a photo. I am doing my typing test on Thursday and hope to have it all in the mail by Friday. Fingers crossed that it goes quick from there. I am then going to have to get stuck into this beep test. I will get G to let me run through it at the gym I think.

The low down

Ok so the exchanging of emails with the new man are continuing. M seems very eager. Which part of me is wary about. I just want to scream I don't know. He is nice. He is great. Wants to meet me but happy to wait until I am ready. (go suck on that J) So why is part of me hesitant?

I think it is because I look at what I have with G and J now. Especially J. But I have known them for over 2 years. I have built up a relationship with them. Now I have to start over again. I had a real connection with J do I have it with this guy? I don't know.

Just thinking now I have chatted via email to a couple of guys last year. (in one of my I need to stop talking to J moods.) But the emails fizzled out. But I am looking forward to this guys emails. I get excited when he txts. He is not smothering me with Oh you are beautiful, calling my honey or babe. He has said I seem like a sweet lady (ha he really doesn't know me does he?) He did also say I was cute. That is the extent of it and that is fine. I hate those guys who say all those things after 5 seconds of emailing. He talks about how he is excited about meeting me???? Ok well perhaps he is. Who am I to judge that. He however has also said that we need to be honest and if after meeting or in fact even before and one of us doesn't see it going further then speak up. So that is good.

I should just rip the bloody band aid off quick. Get the phone call and meeting out of the way and be done with it. Then I will have a clearer picture. I do like the fact that he doesn't have kids or an ex wife. Selfish of me but true lol.

I will let you all know. I bet by the end of the week I will succumb and be talking on the phone lol

Lol I was just rereading that. I really don't have a life!! This is the only guy at the moment who is interested in me and look at this entry. How sad am I?? Oh well

oh what a night...... or indeed a week

So of course the week started with shit for brains doing what he does best. I have seem not to be able to pull out of that emotional drain that that pulled me into. Hard to explain. I am not down but I am not up. More just total exhaustion. The kids have had school swimming all week and that in no way has helped. I have hardly been home. The house looks a tip and at the moment it is hard to find the motivation to untip it! Hopefully with tomorrow routine comes and that will settle me.

Big massive step for me....... I have deleted all of J's numbers from my phones. He had still been txting me but I went off today so hopefully he was so deeply offended that he will leave me alone. Don't get me wrong he hasn't been hounding me but I just need him to not want to contact me either perhaps. I don't but I am so over it.

So over it in fact that I have put myself back onto the internet dating thing. Now since J I haven't really gone back on there and the one time I did no one touched me with a barge pole and those that did were wankers lol. I remember saying to G that I had the wanker magnet on. Any who I have been contact by a guy and we are chatting which is more than I have done for a long time. I was comfortable with J. I hate having to build up a relationship again. However this guy is saying all the right things and is happy to take it at my speed. He did say tonight that he will leave it up to me to suggest meeting lol. Poor guy. Doesn't know me that well yet to know that I will never make the first move like that. Still maybe I need to be brave. Apparently most normal well adjusted guys like confident chicks! Something I am not.

Here is revelation for you. Something J said to me a while ago. He said how can you be so assertive at your co-op meetings and know that you are going to be confident and assertive as a cop. My answer because I have to, it isn't personal. It doesn't affect me personally (well it does I guess but I don't see it like that) I guess I look at it as a job I have to do. I have learnt so much over the last two years (I think the first year of separation was just getting a grip with life again). I can only hope that learning all these things about myself will eventually help me get my shit together.

How is this..... I have a massive blind head pimple on the side of my chin!! What am I 15? What the?????? It is so sore! I guess it is stress. Lol now I sit here and think that of course it bloody is. I should know by now that my body turns on itself when it is stressed out so even when I don't think I am that stressed my body tells me otherwise. Time for a bit of compartmentalising me thinks.

ok off to shower some chlorine smelling children and tidy my tip.

when the shit hits the fan

This morning my dad rings me saying that he just got a txt from Shit for brains phone: Help PATRICK. We had no idea if it was M winding dad up trying to get him to txt or if it was Patrick. So I tried to call M who hung up on me as soon as he found out it was me. So I then rang the cops and they went and did a welfare check on the kids. (of course an enormous amount of worry time between when i rang and when they called me back) They finally called me back (communications not the patrol) and said that the kids were fine. It was Patrick that called and that there had been an argument but it was only minor. That wasn't good enough. For Patrick to risk txting someone on his dad's phone is major. He was a scared. So then I find out none of the kids are at school. (really freaking out now) Karen is going around the classrooms checking when she ran into Laura. I spoke to Laura on the phone and she said that Dad wasn't allowing Patrick to come to school because Patrick had been naughty. (to top it off the kids had school swimming and Patrick's was first up.)

So I roll up to the pool to see if on the off chance he would bring Patrick there. No go. Meanwhile I have spoken to the patrol who went out to the house but there was nothing they could do. The cop getting saying to me that he couldn't understand me as I was so upset. I then explained to the teacher what was happening. Then I went to my car. I sat there for a while as I didn't know what else to do. Karen then rang to tell me that Matt has rolled up with Patrick. One of the mums I know over heard Matt tell the teacher he was only there for swimming and then would be taking Patrick back home. Apparently whilst talking to the teacher matt was rubbing Patrick's head and back and Patrick hates that and it was plain for all to see.

I ummed and arrgghed about what to do. In the end I went in. I knew Matt wouldn't like it but I needed Patrick to see me. I didn't go up to Patrick but he saw me and I sat with Karen and watched.

Matt finally brought Patrick to school 5 minutes after the bell went. I was close to calling the cops again.

It was all over poo on the toilet floor!!!! Matt apparently went off last night and I mean really off and it continued this morning. To the point that Patrick pinched Matt's phone to txt. He then tried to get out of the car at school to make a run for the front office. Matt grabbed him by the neck to stop him. During the day Patrick has one bit of bread with Jam on it for breakfast and that was it. Matt also rang me and told me this was all my fault because I had the affair (which I didn't) and that I was a liar!

The worst thing about today was the fact that I was powerless. My son was scared. I know that. I know that he was so very scared and I couldn't help him.

Something that come to me today though was I know I love my kids. But you just go about daily stuff and it is just there. But something like today it just hits you so much it hurts. When dad called me my heart went and I was just freaking out. I can't explain it but that love hurt, there was fear and anger, but that was because of the love. I want to hurt Matt so much for scaring those kids. I still feel it now how helpless I felt, when I just knew how scared he was.

Ok that is out now. It is nice they are all home and safe even if they are all on a sugar high from mum and dad's.