A screaming cat and a howling puppy.....

Sounds great doesn't it? Faylie is calling. And oh my gosh is she calling. She is awful. For the last three nights she has been shut in the laundry. Dad is putting her on the pill for the time being until he gets the cat runs built and she can then go and spend time with her boyfriend.

Violet is sleeping through the night now which is great. She has though a nasty habit of sitting out the back door howling to be let in at times. I don't want her sometimes so she needs to learn that howling gets her no where! Bit like Lachlan with his whinging lol.

Violet is a sweety though. Very cute. So glad she is sleeping through though so I don't have to go and stand outside in the middle of the night while she pees!!

Patrick had his CAMHS appointment today. The guy said I am on the right track I just need to fine tune what I am doing. So we have a plan. It seems good. Lets hope it works. It is just a chart listing annoying things and then unacceptable things, the consequences to those unacceptable things and influences. (like if you are good for 1 day then this happens etc) I need to put on there how many warnings they get. So hitting someone gets no warnings and so on. Later when we deal with the unacceptable things the annoying things get bumped over. It makes sense to me. Will see how we go.

Not much else is really happening. Really miss exercising. I am trying to go for a run down to the beach as much as I can but that is hard because of the kids. I am doing taekwondo at least once a week but it doesn't feel enough. Mind you I have to get my eating under control. That would help so much. I just need to be more disciplined. I was supposed to see G today and I was going to get him on my back about it. (in the non sexual sense) but I didn't see him. So yet again I try again tomorrow to eat sensibly and not like someone who is never going to see food again.

Truth about Cats and Dogs

Now I mentioned about the man next door coming over and telling me to stop Brinkley jumping up at the fence and barking. He was quite rude and threatening, whether he meant to be or not that is how it came across. He didn't want to help sort the issue out or anything.

Soooo I have stopped Brinkley jumping up at the fence but I can't stop him barking. Now why is that? Why is because of their bloody cats. I have been going out the back in the middle of the night because of little Violet and there are cats in our yard. During the day they sit near our fence. And we all know cats have that teasing knack. So as a consequence Brinkley barks. I am not happy especially when the other next door neighbour comes into work and tells me that she has had cats in her yard and her dog is going off as well. Brinkley never bothers that side of the fence, even when that dog snuffles at the fence. Brinkley just doesn't care. It is just the cats. So needless to say I am pretty pissed off because I hate the barking just as much as the next person.

So this Easter weekend has been fairly quiet. I had Friday off but had to work Saturday. Gee it was busy. Unexpectedly busy. So that was good. Work has been good. We have a good little team now and if we can just get rid of one of the trainee managers we will all be happier. Arrogant little upstart he is. And I am not the only one with that opinion.

Took the kids to the movies Friday to see Horton Hears a Who. Not bad. It was ok. Short so that was good. Cute.

We took Violet into work to show the girls yesterday. They of course loved her. Who couldn't love her. She is very sweet. We also went to bunnings and finally got some potting soil for the my wine barrels to put my Ficus trees in. I will get some more today to do the other one. The one I have done looks really nice. I can't wait to get my pergola done. That will be a while away though as it is going to cost me a fortune to do. Will have to come out of my Johnny money I think.

Well off to finish some cleaning. I will do the majority when the kids leave this afternoon. I will then head off for a run down to the beach with Brinkley. Sorry Vi you can't keep up lol.

Contrary to popular belief. ......

So the post I did a week or so ago seems to have been taken the wrong way. Not that really should bother me because I know what I meant and if others don't well to bad. This journal is for me, I just chose to share it.

Ok so I love my kids with all my heart and soul. They are first and foremost in just about everything I do. What else would I be doing here if it wasn't for them?

Now this is where I seem to be condemned! I do want other people in my life. In particular a nice gentleman would be nice. I am a people person. I love my own space as long as it is not enforced space. I am happier when I have other people in my life along with my kids. I frequently don't have my kids, and sometimes when they are in bed it would be nice to have a conversation with a guy whilst sitting on the couch watching TV.

I don't think there is anything wrong with that thought. But others do apparently. But hey that is what makes the world go round. Each to their own. What I was saying though is that I need to get use to the fact that it is only the company of the kids that I am going to have. I obviously have some sort of reject button on me that makes men totally chew me up and spit me out. I need to realise that it is just me and the kids. That I have to accept the fact that I am going to be alone for adult company and only ever have the kids. It is a case of having my cake but not being able to eat it as well.

So lets hope that has helped clarify for some people. Probably not but there you go. I don't seem to be good enough for many people. But hey even though my kids often think I am mean they love me and I love them. That is the main thing.

I can see clearly now......

I have three children sitting watching ABC kids!! The clearest picture that we have had in many years!!!! Since moving we havn't been able to get ABC and all the other channels were fuzy as well.

The previous tenant had foxtel. So I got a good antenna and dad connected it today. We weren't sure if it would work or not as we used the foxtel cable that was already there. After playing around with a few adapters etc inside it worked!! OMG, it is so much better. No more kids fighting after school etc. They are just happily watching their show. They used to fight over the playstation and computer. 2 electronic devices for 3 kids is just asking for trouble!! It is nice for the kids to come home after a day at school and chill for a bit and that they are!!! I got a set top box the other day but I still can't get it to work. I will ring Tandy again tomorrow and see what they have to say. I am usually pretty good with setting all these things up but this has me beat!



We are getting Violet on Thursday night. I don't think I have mentioned her really before. She is a standard poodle that mum and dad bred. She is from a litter of 6 but two died. She is sweet. It is good being able to see her all the time. So although she will grow to be taller than Brinkley probably she is only little at the moment, and I am really going to have to watch Brinkley when he plays with her because he is going to be way to rough.

Went to lunch today with a couple of girls from work. It was so nice. Keri is a year younger than myself and Laura is 27. I hope that we do become good friends as Rachel is proving to be a bit I don't care anymore and frankly I am over it. I txt her a photo of Violet and we were going back and forth a bit. I said when are you going to come and see my house. She said when you invite me!! Geez, I have done nothing but invite her. Then she tells me she is only available on Tues and Wed. WHich is such bullshit!! Yet she is talking about getting together at her place for dinner one night!!! Perhaps I am being petty but it shits me. Just had enough of her crap I guess.

Well I am off to sort out dinner here and then will be able to watch TV tonight without snow!!! How cool!!!

Pissed off

So since I have moved in here I have had a problem with Brinkley barking at next door's fence. He also jumps up. No idea what at. I know they have cats and two dogs. He doesn't do it constantly but late afternoon, evening and then first thing in the morning.

I have been trying to stop him and he sleeps inside at night so that he doesn't do it then.

I have just had the guy from next door come over and go off at me. So not happy. He said "I have had this for three weeks and I am sick of your dog jumping up at the fence and barking all the time. He does it all night" I told the guy yes I knew there was a problem and I was working on it but he doesn't bark at night as I keep him in. The guy says to me yes he does. I said to him well have you any idea why he does it, what is there that would make him do it. He says it is anything, someone going out into the back yard etc. What crap. They go out into their back yard in the middle of the night????

I know it is my issue and i have to deal with it but this guy was just so rude and foul. I mean he has just got my back up. He could have approached it a lot better than what he did and worked with me.

I think I will write a letter saying help me help you.

Alone

I do like it when the kids aren't here. I get to do things like go for a run down to the beach etc.

But.... and this is massive I feel so alone. Since I saw Rachel and Karen the other week, and that quick msn convo with Rachel. Nothing from anyone. I don't really have good friends. The only people I am in contact with are my parents and work. It is so depressing to see how empty my life is.

Surely it isn't that selfish to want a little bit of a life outside of my kids. To want more than that? As I have said before. I guess it is something I just have to get used to. My heart and head scream differences.

Just checking in.......

Not much happening here really. It is just to bloody hot. We are up to about day 11 of it being over 36. I have lost count. Who cares. It has all just run into one another now. It is foul. I am thankful for my air con. But times like these I wish I didn't work. Work is air con but even so at the end of the day I still have to go out in it. Get in a hot car and come home. Whereas if I didn't work I could just stay home in the air con house and just walk past one house at school time and get the kids.

But that is not my life. Lol. Work it good. I have taken it upon myself not to be stuck on my register all day for 8 hours. Another guy there has been great in jumping on register every now and then so I can go off and do stuff. I told him I will do his ordering for him as well so that helps.

I still haven't broken anything but they guys at work are saying I have now and boy was it a gooden!!

This guy came up with 12 cartons of beer stacked on his trolley. Our trolleys are front wheel drive and are complete bastards to use. As he was pushing his trolley out he didn't swing wide enough and he hit the the counter. 10 of those cartons when crashing down. What a mess. I saw it about to happen and managed to stop some of them falling to hard and breaking but shit it was a mess. Very hard to clean up as well, trying to get the undamaged bottles out of soggy cardboard surrounded by broken glass. It took a while and it clogged up the exit so that we had to have someone standing at the in gates to get them open so that they could get out. So that was my excitement for the day!!

I am going out for lunch with two of the girls from work on Monday. It is going to be good. Keri is my age, a year younger I think, and Laura is 27, married with a baby. It should be good. There is another Kate there that is very friendly with Laura and Keri but she isn't invited. Seems that Laura is having trouble on the home front and Kate is only 19 and acts it sometimes lol. She just doesn't get the whole long term relationship, kids, marriage thing yet. Which is fair enough. So poor girl doesn't even know it is on and I think may feel hurt if she did. But Keri made my day when she invited me.

Especially after the Rachel crap. I spoke to her on msn the other night. More of the same. "Oh this guy just won't leave me alone. I may have to throw him away. He txt me all the time and just doesn't get that I don't want to answer all the time." I just find her so insensitive to other people. She knows how I feel. "oh you should go on RSVP" I have been on there for months Rachel. No response to that. Perhaps I am being over sensitive but really this is Rachel. She will crash at some point and I will be her best friend again. Still no mention of her coming to see the new house. No questions about work. Nada!

Looking forward to this Sunday. No kids. NO work just full on homework. I am not leaving the house. Well other than to go for a walk maybe at 6 in the morning when it is cool. I want to check out another part of the beach. It is near the Star of Greece cafe which is very popular. Lots of celebs go there apparently. I vaguely remember rove and Belinda going there once. But anyway it isn't to far from my house so should be a nice walk and I think the beach is better than the one I have been walking to. Just have to find out how long it takes.

Well I am off to water my poor plants then off to bed. I am very tired. This hot weather I am sure is to blame. I am managed to do my dishes but that is as far as the cleaning has gone.

Hopes, dreams and wishes

So sitting outside watering my back yard totally illegally, I was thinking about this house and what I want to do with it. I have decided to buy it. Not for a while but I will down the track. Gives the co-op time to fix things with it lol so I don't have to pay for it.

I don't have a pergola here. I am going to put one in. I have these L shaped section outside that is fully concreted. It is very big and I can drive the car onto part of it as well. I had thought only make the pergola part of it but I thought no I will save up and do the whole section. Along the carport and concrete section and between the neighbours fence is just dirt and crap. I have planted my silver birch there. I have decided that I will mass plant that area. It will look good next to my pergola. I don't really know what i am planting as I don't know what they are called but I know what I want it to look like. Rainforesty perhaps. The yard is the major part of this house that needs work. The inside there really isn't anything to do. There is nothing major that I feel needs to be done in the house. New vinyl or perhaps tiles in the hall, kitchen and family area and that is is really. Built in's later??

So I will buy this house later. And then the big dream is to then rent it out and purchase a bigger house again with land. That is what I really want and wanted for a very long time. I want a horse, the kids want a horse and we all want a pool. I want a house big enough for teenage kids.

So I will use the co-op to my advantage. I have cheap rent. I can get a very very good deal on a home loan when the times comes, also from what I know I can buy the house cheaper than if it was on the private market.

There it is.

Work.... well I am a bit frustrated. With Amy gone I am on register and that is it. For my whole shift I am the only one on. Which means I can't do a damn thing. All those things I used to do, go off and help customers, fix the price board up, the safety pack etc I can't do. I am stuck in my cage. Tomorrow we have a big wine expo happening. I am stuck on register and others are on for shifts at the stalls. It all comes back to me not being good enough. I am struggling with this now even with work and I know that it is not the case. I keep telling myself that it is me they trust with the customers. I am the one good enough to greet the customers and send them on their way after they have made their purchases. I know from my years of customer service experience how important my job is. But how many checkout chicks are just little tiny boppers just filling in time etc. I feel like I am better than that.

It is only the first week like this and I need to hang in there. But I do want to be more than a checkout chick. There are only a few of us at work now that are a permanent fixture of the store. Especially for the amount of time we are there. The other girls are only on registers for an average 12 hours a week. That says something right? I do like serving customers. Even when I have a shit day I still serve customers as if I was having a good day. I serve customers the same way regardless of how long I have been there and it is nearly home time. Does that make sense? I am not like the chicks at Cole's where they don't even smile. I just have to hang in there. They do want me. That is why they were so happy when Amy left. It is why they gave me a contract of 36 hours. It is why a customer today said that he loves coming to Dan Murphy's because the people are good here.

What do I always say? Time will tell.

Saw Rachel and Karen last Monday. First time I have seen Rachel since Oct. OMG. All she did was brag about her kids, her "new" man, the fact that she is still on RSVP regardless and chatting to all these guys. She didn't ask about Karen or myself. She didn't ask once about my kids, my work, my new house. Nothing. I said oh you need to come and check my new house out. Oh yeah she said I will. In a very I don't give a shit voice. So I guess until she goes off the rails again. She doesn't want to really know me. I think last Monday was just so Karen and I could see and hear how wonderful everything is for her and damn everyone else. Again I will bite my tongue. Because last time we had all this out it was turned around to her, about how this is what she expected and that she can't hold onto friends and blah blah. I won't make that mistake again. Because it was a horrible argument and nothing changed as look where we are again.

Why is life so up and down? I feel like I should be so happy now. I have a job which means more money. I have a bigger house. Yes I have these things but I am still struggling. I find it so hard to get everything done. I go to work and I come home and still have to do all the stuff I have to do as a mum. I miss the stuff I used to do for me. I miss the gym so much I can't believe it. But I just can't go. I even have trouble going to taekwondo at times because I know if I stay home I can get things done. I am just having a hard time adjusting and I feel like I am on the edge all the time. I feel guilty for sitting down for 5 seconds and going on the computer. Or watching a show on TV. I need to get over that. But it is hard. I am struggling with that. I feel guilty that I am not more happy. God I am screwed up in the head.