I was only thinking the other day that things were good. I was wrong. Last night I got a txt from one of the girls from work. Lets go out on a Tuesday and see a movie again. Well I can't....I have kids. I know that this night suits most of them so I said just go without me. She sent back the obligatory txt oh you have to be there that is to bad. So they will all go out and I will be the single mum at home with her kids.
I have had the shittiest morning with the kids. I have no life and I hate it. I go to work, I come home and do more work. I have no fun. The closest I get is taekwondo and even there I have to deal with the kids. And when I don't have the kids I am home by myself doing nothing. How exciting is all that?
Am I expecting to much? Is this the way it is supposed to be for me? Mum told me the other night that I shouldn't try out for the cops again. It would be to hard with the kids. Friday we found out that Patrick had a soccer game. Which was in a different place to Laura's. Of course I was working. Add to that it was farewell drinks for a guy from work Friday and I asked if they could have the kids for an hour or so. They did but they weren't happy about it. Then add to that Saturday. Hence mum's comment. So there goes that. Things at work are good. But I have been stuffing up a lot. There is another girl there who is a year younger than me who has managed hotels and basically there are people there who are priming here for further advancement. And there I am sitting on the register with no where to go. She is a great girl and I like a lot and she deserves it. It just leaves me with nothing.
So yeah one of those really crap days. G cancelled me today as well as he has a job interview. Go him it sounds great.
Going to do Bob maybe he will make me feel better.
Monday 26 May 2008
Sunday 25 May 2008
Thursday 22 May 2008
Where do I begin and where does it end?
This weekend gone has been really really hard for me in a few different ways. And part of it I am still struggling with.
The first one I am not that fussed about really but even so. Remember B? Well after our little disagreement the girls at work convinced me to tell him how I felt but give him another go. So basically it would be another fortnight before we would be able to meet. I let it all go and we were back to txting one another. The thing was he only txt once a day!!! Even if I asked a question he never replied or if he did it was the next day. We agreed that last Friday we were both free and would get together. During all of this I am so closed to just saying sick of this. I am out of here but thought no I would wait until Friday. Thursday he txt me. So when can I see you again? WTF??? I txt back with I thought we were getting together Friday weren't we? Nothing, no reply, nothing. Friday I get a reply. Oh don't know what is happening yet as I may have to go to a work do that I only found out about yesterday. Lol that was it for me. I told him I was done and wouldn't be contacting him again. I got a rude txt back about how I wasn't understanding of his work commitments. Yeah whatever!
The next thing was shit for brains. Because Laura didn't remember to take all her soccer stuff with her to his house, I had to deal with him. He now has my normal mobile number. He got that off of Patrick's phone. I knew that day would come but damn I hate that he has it. Then Laura leaves her stuff at his house. But do you think he would drop it any where for me? Nope I have to go to his house to get it. Now I have moved I no longer go any where near his house. I kept telling him to drop it into work but he kept being a bastard. Calling me names again like the good christian that he is. In the end I just told him leave it at work. That is it end of story. And he did. I nearly gave in but I am so glad I didn't. That is just a little bit of power that he didn't gain back.
The final thing was the co-op. Off I went on Sunday to my general meeting for the co-op. All going well. A totally unorganised meeting with the chairman having no clue as to what he is doing, when wham...... I was ambushed. I had a complaint lodged against me. Apparently I have infantile and inappropriate behaviour and ask questions to disrupt the meeting. I also haven't been doing my job as maintenance officer by the rules. (long story short on that one) All of which was total crap. I don't deny I asked questions. I am sure I even interrupted him which he was giving his report. The reasons for that was because I needed more information. He is the treasurer and when you start throwing around words like bankruptcy at people that will believe everything you say. Well sorry but that calls for some questions.
So after they all finished wading into the argument on how the meeting should be conducted. (I should point out that meetings are filled with people talking over the top of each other and interrupting each other.Pity the chairperson doesn't do his job) They all wanted me to have right of reply. Lol I couldn't talk. I said I wouldn't be responding. I couldn't anyway. I was about to burst into tears. I quickly wrote out a resignation from maintenance and left. I went home and wrote my reply to it all in a letter. I was restrained and explained my reasons for all the questions. I addressed the maintenance issues and then sent it to all the members. I am glad to be done with it, honestly. I have my membership. I have my house. I will do the minimum and say nothing in future.
The thing that gets me is that all this is over me deciding that a few people needed to have their kitchens updated. The first one being a man with a disability and very overweight living with his partner in a kitchen that is so small it is crazy. Dad worked out a way to renovate it cheaply and easily to make it better for them. Cupboards got oked for mum and dad's place as mum can't bend down to the lower ones so they are putting in overhead ones. The other kitchen is for a blended family of 8. The kitchen was crap as well so dad is making more room for them. Now I am not talking mega bucks here I am talking $2500. And we have more than enough money. For 3 kitchens to only cost that much it is good. But there are people in the co-op who have brand new houses. It is these people who are in on this letter. And the treasurer is one of them. They don't like me spending money. But we are a non profit co-op we have nothing else to spend our money on but our houses and why should those in older houses not have the same comfort as those in new houses.
Sorry I know this doesn't make a lot of sense but there is just so much going on with the co-op it is hard to explain it all. The up side is that after leaving that meeting feeling totally crap I have since found out that there are a few people who think it was totally wrong that it happened. Dad has been dealing with a few people from the co-op and they just started telling his how wrong it all was etc. So that is nice to know. That I do have support. I thought about not going to the meeting but then decided I would. We only have them once a month. So I have to wait until then to find out really what is going to happen. I won't be saying anything. I will be sitting at the back, earning my participation by walking through the door. I may even take a book to read. Mmmm there's a thought.
So yes I may in my head be yeah whatever and not caring but it pissed me off and hurt me. I have done so much for the co-op, mainly jobs no one else wanted or could do. Because I get things done, because I ask questions and don't take things at face value I get told off. I think today I am finally letting it go like I wanted to. Funny isn't it? You can tell yourself no this doesn't bother me but it does really. It is hard to explain but today was really the first day that I didn't really find myself dwelling on it. Stuff them I say. (I am flipping them the bird right now.... Honest. I stopped right then and did it! lol)
I am going to bed.
The first one I am not that fussed about really but even so. Remember B? Well after our little disagreement the girls at work convinced me to tell him how I felt but give him another go. So basically it would be another fortnight before we would be able to meet. I let it all go and we were back to txting one another. The thing was he only txt once a day!!! Even if I asked a question he never replied or if he did it was the next day. We agreed that last Friday we were both free and would get together. During all of this I am so closed to just saying sick of this. I am out of here but thought no I would wait until Friday. Thursday he txt me. So when can I see you again? WTF??? I txt back with I thought we were getting together Friday weren't we? Nothing, no reply, nothing. Friday I get a reply. Oh don't know what is happening yet as I may have to go to a work do that I only found out about yesterday. Lol that was it for me. I told him I was done and wouldn't be contacting him again. I got a rude txt back about how I wasn't understanding of his work commitments. Yeah whatever!
The next thing was shit for brains. Because Laura didn't remember to take all her soccer stuff with her to his house, I had to deal with him. He now has my normal mobile number. He got that off of Patrick's phone. I knew that day would come but damn I hate that he has it. Then Laura leaves her stuff at his house. But do you think he would drop it any where for me? Nope I have to go to his house to get it. Now I have moved I no longer go any where near his house. I kept telling him to drop it into work but he kept being a bastard. Calling me names again like the good christian that he is. In the end I just told him leave it at work. That is it end of story. And he did. I nearly gave in but I am so glad I didn't. That is just a little bit of power that he didn't gain back.
The final thing was the co-op. Off I went on Sunday to my general meeting for the co-op. All going well. A totally unorganised meeting with the chairman having no clue as to what he is doing, when wham...... I was ambushed. I had a complaint lodged against me. Apparently I have infantile and inappropriate behaviour and ask questions to disrupt the meeting. I also haven't been doing my job as maintenance officer by the rules. (long story short on that one) All of which was total crap. I don't deny I asked questions. I am sure I even interrupted him which he was giving his report. The reasons for that was because I needed more information. He is the treasurer and when you start throwing around words like bankruptcy at people that will believe everything you say. Well sorry but that calls for some questions.
So after they all finished wading into the argument on how the meeting should be conducted. (I should point out that meetings are filled with people talking over the top of each other and interrupting each other.Pity the chairperson doesn't do his job) They all wanted me to have right of reply. Lol I couldn't talk. I said I wouldn't be responding. I couldn't anyway. I was about to burst into tears. I quickly wrote out a resignation from maintenance and left. I went home and wrote my reply to it all in a letter. I was restrained and explained my reasons for all the questions. I addressed the maintenance issues and then sent it to all the members. I am glad to be done with it, honestly. I have my membership. I have my house. I will do the minimum and say nothing in future.
The thing that gets me is that all this is over me deciding that a few people needed to have their kitchens updated. The first one being a man with a disability and very overweight living with his partner in a kitchen that is so small it is crazy. Dad worked out a way to renovate it cheaply and easily to make it better for them. Cupboards got oked for mum and dad's place as mum can't bend down to the lower ones so they are putting in overhead ones. The other kitchen is for a blended family of 8. The kitchen was crap as well so dad is making more room for them. Now I am not talking mega bucks here I am talking $2500. And we have more than enough money. For 3 kitchens to only cost that much it is good. But there are people in the co-op who have brand new houses. It is these people who are in on this letter. And the treasurer is one of them. They don't like me spending money. But we are a non profit co-op we have nothing else to spend our money on but our houses and why should those in older houses not have the same comfort as those in new houses.
Sorry I know this doesn't make a lot of sense but there is just so much going on with the co-op it is hard to explain it all. The up side is that after leaving that meeting feeling totally crap I have since found out that there are a few people who think it was totally wrong that it happened. Dad has been dealing with a few people from the co-op and they just started telling his how wrong it all was etc. So that is nice to know. That I do have support. I thought about not going to the meeting but then decided I would. We only have them once a month. So I have to wait until then to find out really what is going to happen. I won't be saying anything. I will be sitting at the back, earning my participation by walking through the door. I may even take a book to read. Mmmm there's a thought.
So yes I may in my head be yeah whatever and not caring but it pissed me off and hurt me. I have done so much for the co-op, mainly jobs no one else wanted or could do. Because I get things done, because I ask questions and don't take things at face value I get told off. I think today I am finally letting it go like I wanted to. Funny isn't it? You can tell yourself no this doesn't bother me but it does really. It is hard to explain but today was really the first day that I didn't really find myself dwelling on it. Stuff them I say. (I am flipping them the bird right now.... Honest. I stopped right then and did it! lol)
I am going to bed.
Wednesday 14 May 2008
Back to the beginning
So I saw G on Monday and he had his instructions to be gentle. It was my last day of antibiotics and I am still on the puffer. It was good. Only one coughing fit!! And we took it very easy. But omg I am still sore. That is how unfit I have become in a month. I had taekwondo last night and tonight. I was easily out of breath. But I think that is more so my chest than anything. It will be nice to finally get through a day where I don't cough or have to blow my nose!!
So on my quest to start looking for a treadmill and a punching bag I have been looking at pricing. $200 for a new bag, $145 at cash converters. I was talking to my instructor tonight and he can probably get me a new one for about $117! How cool is that? He can get them wholesale. They are suppliers of all the taekwondo equipment!! He is going to looking into it for me. But I do want a treadmill first. I have someone at cash converters, (a friend of Karen's) keeping an eye out for me and will let me know when one comes in. I have to get back into the exercise again. I can not be this unfit anymore. I know part of it has been because I have been so sick but even before that I was getting frustrated.
Not much else is happening really. Supposed to be going out with B on Friday. I spoke to one of the girls at work about it. I told her I get one txt a day and for me that is not enough. I am on the verge of saying nah don't want this. But have decided that I will wait for Friday. See what happens. If we meet, perhaps talk about it then. If we don't meet well he is most certainly getting the heave hoe.
Nearly forgot. This guy at work comes through and says to me "where do I know you from!" He asks me all these questions, did i go to school at such and such, did I live in such and such. You get the picture. I said no I grew up in the Clare Valley. "oh that is where i know you from" and yes indeed I went to school with this guy. He totally paid me out during that time of course. He was an arse hole to put it mildly. I would never have recognised him in a million years. Yet he pegged me straight away. Kind of a compliment in a way isn't it? Guess I haven't changed that much!! He needed to shave and cut his hair lol.
So on my quest to start looking for a treadmill and a punching bag I have been looking at pricing. $200 for a new bag, $145 at cash converters. I was talking to my instructor tonight and he can probably get me a new one for about $117! How cool is that? He can get them wholesale. They are suppliers of all the taekwondo equipment!! He is going to looking into it for me. But I do want a treadmill first. I have someone at cash converters, (a friend of Karen's) keeping an eye out for me and will let me know when one comes in. I have to get back into the exercise again. I can not be this unfit anymore. I know part of it has been because I have been so sick but even before that I was getting frustrated.
Not much else is happening really. Supposed to be going out with B on Friday. I spoke to one of the girls at work about it. I told her I get one txt a day and for me that is not enough. I am on the verge of saying nah don't want this. But have decided that I will wait for Friday. See what happens. If we meet, perhaps talk about it then. If we don't meet well he is most certainly getting the heave hoe.
Nearly forgot. This guy at work comes through and says to me "where do I know you from!" He asks me all these questions, did i go to school at such and such, did I live in such and such. You get the picture. I said no I grew up in the Clare Valley. "oh that is where i know you from" and yes indeed I went to school with this guy. He totally paid me out during that time of course. He was an arse hole to put it mildly. I would never have recognised him in a million years. Yet he pegged me straight away. Kind of a compliment in a way isn't it? Guess I haven't changed that much!! He needed to shave and cut his hair lol.
Saturday 10 May 2008
A bit of a mixed bag.
My rant turn out so long that I decided to do another one for all the stuff I didn't put in because I was ranting.
I have to get this down because it was so funny. Last night at mum and dad's after I finished work, Laura asked for something to eat. Mum and I said no because it was nearly dinner time. She then said I need to get something out of my bag, which was in my car, so I gave her the keys and off she went. She was gone a while and I could hear a bag rattle but didn't really thing much of it. She came back in and it was very odd. Mum and I thought she had gone out to the car to get some leftover food out of her lunch box. No no she insisted. Well what were you doing? "Oh I got some cat hair off the lounge and put it in the plastic bag so I can take it to school for show and tell!" what the????? We quizzed her some more and it was so weird and we were convinced that she had snuck food. We let it go but weren't happy.
She went out to help dad. Dad came back in a little while later and said Laura had been doing mother day stuff. Mum and I dissolved. Poor kid she really really needs to come up with quicker stories. But she tried hard. Mum and I kept heckling her saying oh here is some cat hair. Lol. She of course doesn't know that we know what she was really doing!! It was so funny.
Laura and Patrick played soccer today. Thank god it was at their school and although both at the same time, I positioned myself so I could see both games! Both lost but they played well. Especially Laura as it was her first game. She got right in there and was encouraging all the other players.
Found out that the senior players were short of players and they picked Patrick to play on their team. He should be in the under 11's and he is in the senior team. OMG boy is the senior team full on in comparison to the younger grades. He is a bit disappointed that when he plays his old school it won't be against his old team but I am sure he will live. His coach is great. I am very happy that Patrick has him for a coach. I was talking to him afterwards about the fact that shit for brains will more than likely not take Patrick to every game especially now Laura is playing and we have to be in two places at the same time. He said he can always take Patrick. I think he will talk to shit head and work something out. Fingers crossed anyway. But that aside he is great with the kids. He grabbed Patrick around the neck like guys do and told me what a good kid he is and he picked up Lachlan and quizzed him about playing soccer. Yet he disciplines the kids when he needs to. He as the boundaries clearly drawn. He was kinda cute as well, wonder if he is single lol!
Now that Lachlan is off his training wheels and going well we biked to mum and dad's today. It was really good. I went on the road with the kids on the footpath. Although there was a bit where we were all on the road. That was scary for me. Only because I can't protect all of them at the same time. At one point the older two were on the footpath made of grass but Lachlan found it to hard a going so I got him on the road. He rode between the gutter an myself. But with all three of them on the road I couldn't do it for all. It was 2.5kms and we did it in just under 15 minutes so that was pretty good. It was nice to do some exercise again even if I didn't even break a sweat and that is coming from the sweat queen.
My infections/cold is on the way out. I have started my second round of antibiotics and I am still using the puffer. But i have only blown my nose once today. How is that for progress lol. I have enjoyed my day off today and it is nice to know that I have another 2 days to go before I have to go back to work. Which I still love but hey who wouldn't rather be at home????
I have to get this down because it was so funny. Last night at mum and dad's after I finished work, Laura asked for something to eat. Mum and I said no because it was nearly dinner time. She then said I need to get something out of my bag, which was in my car, so I gave her the keys and off she went. She was gone a while and I could hear a bag rattle but didn't really thing much of it. She came back in and it was very odd. Mum and I thought she had gone out to the car to get some leftover food out of her lunch box. No no she insisted. Well what were you doing? "Oh I got some cat hair off the lounge and put it in the plastic bag so I can take it to school for show and tell!" what the????? We quizzed her some more and it was so weird and we were convinced that she had snuck food. We let it go but weren't happy.
She went out to help dad. Dad came back in a little while later and said Laura had been doing mother day stuff. Mum and I dissolved. Poor kid she really really needs to come up with quicker stories. But she tried hard. Mum and I kept heckling her saying oh here is some cat hair. Lol. She of course doesn't know that we know what she was really doing!! It was so funny.
Laura and Patrick played soccer today. Thank god it was at their school and although both at the same time, I positioned myself so I could see both games! Both lost but they played well. Especially Laura as it was her first game. She got right in there and was encouraging all the other players.
Found out that the senior players were short of players and they picked Patrick to play on their team. He should be in the under 11's and he is in the senior team. OMG boy is the senior team full on in comparison to the younger grades. He is a bit disappointed that when he plays his old school it won't be against his old team but I am sure he will live. His coach is great. I am very happy that Patrick has him for a coach. I was talking to him afterwards about the fact that shit for brains will more than likely not take Patrick to every game especially now Laura is playing and we have to be in two places at the same time. He said he can always take Patrick. I think he will talk to shit head and work something out. Fingers crossed anyway. But that aside he is great with the kids. He grabbed Patrick around the neck like guys do and told me what a good kid he is and he picked up Lachlan and quizzed him about playing soccer. Yet he disciplines the kids when he needs to. He as the boundaries clearly drawn. He was kinda cute as well, wonder if he is single lol!
Now that Lachlan is off his training wheels and going well we biked to mum and dad's today. It was really good. I went on the road with the kids on the footpath. Although there was a bit where we were all on the road. That was scary for me. Only because I can't protect all of them at the same time. At one point the older two were on the footpath made of grass but Lachlan found it to hard a going so I got him on the road. He rode between the gutter an myself. But with all three of them on the road I couldn't do it for all. It was 2.5kms and we did it in just under 15 minutes so that was pretty good. It was nice to do some exercise again even if I didn't even break a sweat and that is coming from the sweat queen.
My infections/cold is on the way out. I have started my second round of antibiotics and I am still using the puffer. But i have only blown my nose once today. How is that for progress lol. I have enjoyed my day off today and it is nice to know that I have another 2 days to go before I have to go back to work. Which I still love but hey who wouldn't rather be at home????
A rant
Just when I think Patrick is starting to get his shit together it all falls apart. I don't think I have written much about this mainly I guess cos the majority occurred before I started writing here. But a couple of years ago I had the year from hell with Patrick. He was aggressive, abusive, a bully and just horrible. He nearly got suspended, his teacher said "sometimes he makes me feel like dirt beneath his feet". In short he was a very very angry kid and didn't know how to handle. Of course no prizes for the massive influence in his life for this behaviour.
His teacher was brilliant and we worked together and eventually things changed. He started taekwondo, he had a male teacher, mum and dad moved back and he started fish oils. Along the way we talked to many people and got put on the waiting list for Child and youth mental health. We finally made it to the top of that list a few months ago. Although the angry stuff has gone, Patrick is still aggressive and uses that to get his own way with the other kids. He also name calls and is negative all the time. He is getting better though. Or so I thought.
He got into trouble at school Friday because he and 2 other boys filled up these squirty things with their own wee and then were spraying it around. (these squirty things are filled with some vile sweet stuff that you can buy from the canteen.) Now Patrick's story is that he wasn't involved. He got a note from the teacher but apparently some kid snatched it out of his hand and ripped it up. He lied to my dad when dad asked him if he was in trouble. (I was at work so dad picked the kids up from school). Now this all stems back to Patrick being a lier. He lies about everything and we have told him and told him that it is going to come back at him. And now it has.
I think I believe him about not being involved but I don't believe him about the note. But I don't know. He has gotten so good at lying it is so hard to tell. So I feel that I am back to the starting place again. This is what was happening at the other school all over again. He is having trouble making friends so he hangs out with the bad kids. He makes friends but some how treats them like crap and they don't want to be friends again.
It is all just so hard this whole single parenting thing. I struggle to work, to look after my house, to sort the kids, to spend time with the kids, to spend time for myself. I have pulled out of uni again this semester because I couldn't do it. I want to but I also wanted my weekends off to be able to sit and do nothing. Yet no one knows I have dropped out because I feel like a failure and guilty. And I know I shouldn't but I do. My days are this: I get up, I get ready for work and yell at the kids continuously to get ready and stop fighting. I get home from work and pick the kids up. I start organising tea, and sorting out something in regards to the house like washing or cleaning. All the while yelling at the kids to stop fucking fighting. (No I don't use the F word on them but boy I have come close a couple of times) 3 nights it is taekwondo, which I do enjoy but I am so tired. I just keep waiting to get use to all this but I don't think I ever will. This is my life and I need to accept it.
Everywhere around me people have these amazing husbands or boyfriends who just help them with everything. When I describe what it is like they so oh we don't talk much etc but unless you have lived it you have no idea. Someone I know is suffering because her husband is working away from home for great periods at a time. And I have encountered this before. I get that you would miss your partner, especially if you have that wonderful, fantastic relationship with them, but honestly it is not the same. This person is coming home to you. There is a person out there whom loves so you so very very much and lets you know that more so now because he is not there with you. IT IS NOT THE SAME SITUATION. You don't have a bloody clue has to how I feel. You can not possibly know what it feels like to have to come home each night, do what I have to do and then..... nothing. No one to talk to, no one to share my day with. There is no one out there who misses me, no one to call me and say how much he loves me. So do not ever ever tell me you know how I feel because you don't. Someone loves you more than you can ever imagine, even if they aren't there right now, in one more week they will be.
His teacher was brilliant and we worked together and eventually things changed. He started taekwondo, he had a male teacher, mum and dad moved back and he started fish oils. Along the way we talked to many people and got put on the waiting list for Child and youth mental health. We finally made it to the top of that list a few months ago. Although the angry stuff has gone, Patrick is still aggressive and uses that to get his own way with the other kids. He also name calls and is negative all the time. He is getting better though. Or so I thought.
He got into trouble at school Friday because he and 2 other boys filled up these squirty things with their own wee and then were spraying it around. (these squirty things are filled with some vile sweet stuff that you can buy from the canteen.) Now Patrick's story is that he wasn't involved. He got a note from the teacher but apparently some kid snatched it out of his hand and ripped it up. He lied to my dad when dad asked him if he was in trouble. (I was at work so dad picked the kids up from school). Now this all stems back to Patrick being a lier. He lies about everything and we have told him and told him that it is going to come back at him. And now it has.
I think I believe him about not being involved but I don't believe him about the note. But I don't know. He has gotten so good at lying it is so hard to tell. So I feel that I am back to the starting place again. This is what was happening at the other school all over again. He is having trouble making friends so he hangs out with the bad kids. He makes friends but some how treats them like crap and they don't want to be friends again.
It is all just so hard this whole single parenting thing. I struggle to work, to look after my house, to sort the kids, to spend time with the kids, to spend time for myself. I have pulled out of uni again this semester because I couldn't do it. I want to but I also wanted my weekends off to be able to sit and do nothing. Yet no one knows I have dropped out because I feel like a failure and guilty. And I know I shouldn't but I do. My days are this: I get up, I get ready for work and yell at the kids continuously to get ready and stop fighting. I get home from work and pick the kids up. I start organising tea, and sorting out something in regards to the house like washing or cleaning. All the while yelling at the kids to stop fucking fighting. (No I don't use the F word on them but boy I have come close a couple of times) 3 nights it is taekwondo, which I do enjoy but I am so tired. I just keep waiting to get use to all this but I don't think I ever will. This is my life and I need to accept it.
Everywhere around me people have these amazing husbands or boyfriends who just help them with everything. When I describe what it is like they so oh we don't talk much etc but unless you have lived it you have no idea. Someone I know is suffering because her husband is working away from home for great periods at a time. And I have encountered this before. I get that you would miss your partner, especially if you have that wonderful, fantastic relationship with them, but honestly it is not the same. This person is coming home to you. There is a person out there whom loves so you so very very much and lets you know that more so now because he is not there with you. IT IS NOT THE SAME SITUATION. You don't have a bloody clue has to how I feel. You can not possibly know what it feels like to have to come home each night, do what I have to do and then..... nothing. No one to talk to, no one to share my day with. There is no one out there who misses me, no one to call me and say how much he loves me. So do not ever ever tell me you know how I feel because you don't. Someone loves you more than you can ever imagine, even if they aren't there right now, in one more week they will be.
Monday 5 May 2008
The green globby monster
So I went to the doc who after listening to my chest and back asked if I had asthma! Having never ever had it he said ok well you don't have it now but wow you are crackly all over! Great. I have a nice big bacterial infection. Luckily not my ear but it is looking yuk though. I am on a puffer to clear my chest and antibiotics. I called in sick for my shift today. I felt really guilty about it yesterday as I felt a bit better after using the puffer. Today I feel rat shit again, so glad I didn't go in after all. I did however sleep heaps better last night. Still woke up but so much better than I have been.
I txt Patrick yesterday to find out if Matt had taken him to soccer. He had. Thank god. Patrick's team won. I am so pleased. He doesn't really know anyone in his soccer team because basically they are all older than him. He is in grade 5 at school and yet in the senior team of soccer!! He has basically skipped a grade of soccer. I am so proud of him. After playing all those games at the other school and not winning I bet he was pretty happy as well!!
Ok back to the couch for me. I tried to sleep earlier but couldn't so I will go back to sitting on the couch watching movies. I watched 3 yesterday!! I have to pick the kids up at 3 and then we have to do the shopping so I figure I will conserve energy while I can. The house looks like a tip but for once I am looking after myself.
Oh and B txt saying had he done something wrong!!!! Well yeah mate you had. I told him. He said sorry. I told him I had been treated pretty crappy by some guys and refuse to put up with it again. I know what I want and I will not settle for less. Lol lets see what happens now.
I txt Patrick yesterday to find out if Matt had taken him to soccer. He had. Thank god. Patrick's team won. I am so pleased. He doesn't really know anyone in his soccer team because basically they are all older than him. He is in grade 5 at school and yet in the senior team of soccer!! He has basically skipped a grade of soccer. I am so proud of him. After playing all those games at the other school and not winning I bet he was pretty happy as well!!
Ok back to the couch for me. I tried to sleep earlier but couldn't so I will go back to sitting on the couch watching movies. I watched 3 yesterday!! I have to pick the kids up at 3 and then we have to do the shopping so I figure I will conserve energy while I can. The house looks like a tip but for once I am looking after myself.
Oh and B txt saying had he done something wrong!!!! Well yeah mate you had. I told him. He said sorry. I told him I had been treated pretty crappy by some guys and refuse to put up with it again. I know what I want and I will not settle for less. Lol lets see what happens now.
Saturday 3 May 2008
The life and times.......
So this is going to be way way to much information but oh well. My cold is no better. I have massive great big green bits coming out of my nose. I have those same bits coming out of my mouth. I am not talking about bits of phlegm I am talking green goo that you can buy your children at the toy shops. It is disgusting. That toothache I thought I had? Well we are thinking it is sinus pain as it is high up on my cheek bones and then works it way down to my jaw, near my ear. It hurts to chew, it hurts to jump up and down or put my head down. In short I am going to the doc tomorrow. Mum's orders. I only have one day off this week. (long story that I will tell later when I can be bothered.) So tomorrow I plan to do stuff all. I am really tired as well because I wake up about 3 and then can't get back to sleep. Being unable to breathe properly could have something to do with that.
Went out to dinner with Karen, her sister and a few of their friends, some I know some I don't. What was nicer than the dinner was the fact that Karen invited me. That she wishes to include me in her life. She is really my only friend and whether she knows it or not I love her to bits! Dinner was nice. I chatted heaps to her sister, with whom I get on really well with. And it was just a nice night out.
Another thing that has been happening is Lachlan had another eye appointment yesterday. Mum and dad took him as I am now a working mum! The decision is now he will not have his eye operated on. So pleased about that. However his eye is not getting better so he is going to have drops in his eye twice a week for up to the next two years. That was opposed to have a patch over his eye for a few hours each day. The drops only go in his left eye. It makes it very hard to see out of that eye so his brain has to make the right eye work. So basically there is nothing wrong with his eye, it is just his brain is slack and won't make it work. It should be fixed by the time he is 9. It is going to be a pain in the bum but better than a patch. And certainly better than an operation.
And the B update. I heard nothing last night. I did however get a txt today saying really sorry about last night but I had to work late and only found out at the last minute. Now yes I am thinking the same as you. Well why didn't you call, when you got home mister. Or txt and say that. Or at the very least answer my txt. After consulting a couple of girls at work, (of varying ages lol) do not answer this txt. See what his next txt says. That is the decider. Explain to him that what he did was shit. I will not go for it again. Take it from there. No second chances. All I can say is that it feels like Jay all over again. My defences are right up there. I know what I am like. I fall for all the soft and gooey stuff. So because I know what I am like I will not allow myself to fall a second time. I am on high alert! But so far there has been nothing else. I really just want to email him and say well if you do in fact really want to get to know me more, you would call etc. But I will refrain. Instead I will put my poor dying body to bed and be depressed that there is no one to tuck me and ask if him I am ok. There is no one to care how I feel other than my mum. Parts of my life truly and ruley suck at times. And yes I am 10! lol.
Went out to dinner with Karen, her sister and a few of their friends, some I know some I don't. What was nicer than the dinner was the fact that Karen invited me. That she wishes to include me in her life. She is really my only friend and whether she knows it or not I love her to bits! Dinner was nice. I chatted heaps to her sister, with whom I get on really well with. And it was just a nice night out.
Another thing that has been happening is Lachlan had another eye appointment yesterday. Mum and dad took him as I am now a working mum! The decision is now he will not have his eye operated on. So pleased about that. However his eye is not getting better so he is going to have drops in his eye twice a week for up to the next two years. That was opposed to have a patch over his eye for a few hours each day. The drops only go in his left eye. It makes it very hard to see out of that eye so his brain has to make the right eye work. So basically there is nothing wrong with his eye, it is just his brain is slack and won't make it work. It should be fixed by the time he is 9. It is going to be a pain in the bum but better than a patch. And certainly better than an operation.
And the B update. I heard nothing last night. I did however get a txt today saying really sorry about last night but I had to work late and only found out at the last minute. Now yes I am thinking the same as you. Well why didn't you call, when you got home mister. Or txt and say that. Or at the very least answer my txt. After consulting a couple of girls at work, (of varying ages lol) do not answer this txt. See what his next txt says. That is the decider. Explain to him that what he did was shit. I will not go for it again. Take it from there. No second chances. All I can say is that it feels like Jay all over again. My defences are right up there. I know what I am like. I fall for all the soft and gooey stuff. So because I know what I am like I will not allow myself to fall a second time. I am on high alert! But so far there has been nothing else. I really just want to email him and say well if you do in fact really want to get to know me more, you would call etc. But I will refrain. Instead I will put my poor dying body to bed and be depressed that there is no one to tuck me and ask if him I am ok. There is no one to care how I feel other than my mum. Parts of my life truly and ruley suck at times. And yes I am 10! lol.
Friday 2 May 2008
I must be an instrument
Just got this..."can't make tonight sorry!" yep my date tonight cancelled less than 2 hours before it was supposed to begin.
That is it as well. That was a txt message. I txt back with ok. What else could I say? There has been nothing since.
Yet again I feel like shit. But deep down I think I knew this was coming. In the three weeks I have known this guy we have spoken 4 times maybe on the phone. A few emails and mainly txt. Now although he said all the right things there are many long periods where I here nothing. Now to me if you say the things he was saying you are the type of person who doesn't go 24 hours without a word even though the other person last txt with a question? That is what happened yesterday and today.
I am just not supposed to have a guy. I am not good enough to have someone love me, to want me. Hey I don't even get an explanation, a really sorry but can you do tomorrow. Just nothing. Just been played again. History repeating itself.
I still have my cold and I think I am getting a toothache. I finally have a free weekend where I thought it would be good and now it is just crap. Off for a visit to pity town.
That is it as well. That was a txt message. I txt back with ok. What else could I say? There has been nothing since.
Yet again I feel like shit. But deep down I think I knew this was coming. In the three weeks I have known this guy we have spoken 4 times maybe on the phone. A few emails and mainly txt. Now although he said all the right things there are many long periods where I here nothing. Now to me if you say the things he was saying you are the type of person who doesn't go 24 hours without a word even though the other person last txt with a question? That is what happened yesterday and today.
I am just not supposed to have a guy. I am not good enough to have someone love me, to want me. Hey I don't even get an explanation, a really sorry but can you do tomorrow. Just nothing. Just been played again. History repeating itself.
I still have my cold and I think I am getting a toothache. I finally have a free weekend where I thought it would be good and now it is just crap. Off for a visit to pity town.
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