A rant

Just when I think Patrick is starting to get his shit together it all falls apart. I don't think I have written much about this mainly I guess cos the majority occurred before I started writing here. But a couple of years ago I had the year from hell with Patrick. He was aggressive, abusive, a bully and just horrible. He nearly got suspended, his teacher said "sometimes he makes me feel like dirt beneath his feet". In short he was a very very angry kid and didn't know how to handle. Of course no prizes for the massive influence in his life for this behaviour.

His teacher was brilliant and we worked together and eventually things changed. He started taekwondo, he had a male teacher, mum and dad moved back and he started fish oils. Along the way we talked to many people and got put on the waiting list for Child and youth mental health. We finally made it to the top of that list a few months ago. Although the angry stuff has gone, Patrick is still aggressive and uses that to get his own way with the other kids. He also name calls and is negative all the time. He is getting better though. Or so I thought.

He got into trouble at school Friday because he and 2 other boys filled up these squirty things with their own wee and then were spraying it around. (these squirty things are filled with some vile sweet stuff that you can buy from the canteen.) Now Patrick's story is that he wasn't involved. He got a note from the teacher but apparently some kid snatched it out of his hand and ripped it up. He lied to my dad when dad asked him if he was in trouble. (I was at work so dad picked the kids up from school). Now this all stems back to Patrick being a lier. He lies about everything and we have told him and told him that it is going to come back at him. And now it has.

I think I believe him about not being involved but I don't believe him about the note. But I don't know. He has gotten so good at lying it is so hard to tell. So I feel that I am back to the starting place again. This is what was happening at the other school all over again. He is having trouble making friends so he hangs out with the bad kids. He makes friends but some how treats them like crap and they don't want to be friends again.

It is all just so hard this whole single parenting thing. I struggle to work, to look after my house, to sort the kids, to spend time with the kids, to spend time for myself. I have pulled out of uni again this semester because I couldn't do it. I want to but I also wanted my weekends off to be able to sit and do nothing. Yet no one knows I have dropped out because I feel like a failure and guilty. And I know I shouldn't but I do. My days are this: I get up, I get ready for work and yell at the kids continuously to get ready and stop fighting. I get home from work and pick the kids up. I start organising tea, and sorting out something in regards to the house like washing or cleaning. All the while yelling at the kids to stop fucking fighting. (No I don't use the F word on them but boy I have come close a couple of times) 3 nights it is taekwondo, which I do enjoy but I am so tired. I just keep waiting to get use to all this but I don't think I ever will. This is my life and I need to accept it.

Everywhere around me people have these amazing husbands or boyfriends who just help them with everything. When I describe what it is like they so oh we don't talk much etc but unless you have lived it you have no idea. Someone I know is suffering because her husband is working away from home for great periods at a time. And I have encountered this before. I get that you would miss your partner, especially if you have that wonderful, fantastic relationship with them, but honestly it is not the same. This person is coming home to you. There is a person out there whom loves so you so very very much and lets you know that more so now because he is not there with you. IT IS NOT THE SAME SITUATION. You don't have a bloody clue has to how I feel. You can not possibly know what it feels like to have to come home each night, do what I have to do and then..... nothing. No one to talk to, no one to share my day with. There is no one out there who misses me, no one to call me and say how much he loves me. So do not ever ever tell me you know how I feel because you don't. Someone loves you more than you can ever imagine, even if they aren't there right now, in one more week they will be.