And the wheel of life keeps spinning

Just coasting along really. Not much happening. Work is good. I love my new job. I have started sorting the office to the way I like it now which is good. I am so lucky though my work place is great. One of the other managers was saying to someone that we are lucky. None of the other Dan's are like ours. And I have never worked in a place where generally everyone gets on so well together. We are currently planning the Dan Murphy Olympics. Should be interesting. With such games like see who can hold baileys and orange juice in their mouth the longest. bowling involving kegs and cups of beer. Every one you miss you scull down!!!

D is good. We seem to have settled things a bit. He came over Thursday night and it was so nice. We just ended up talking about each other etc. He told me he is not ready to take on the full package that is me. That hurt a bit but after the other day at the beach when the kids were so full on I understand. He said a few other things though that made me feel very attractive and sexy. I think now we have a greater understanding of each other.

Today I am supposed to be going to the beach with D, his 2 year old and D's mum. Tomorrow we are going to the zoo and a wonder around town. That I am really looking forward to. Then D is cooking me a roast but honestly I don't think that will happen tomorrow night. He will be to stuffed to cook, I know I wouldn't want to lol

The kids are going ok at the moment. Patrick seems to have settled a bit. The other day with D it was like it all changed. Thing is though it scared D off a bit. I can't win loll.

I had my hair done again Thursday. Now 3 weeks ago I had the colour changed as it wasn't dark enough for my liking. It got changed to a browny with dark red through it. It looked really good. When I went back this week it had faded so much after only 3 weeks. This is a problem I have been having for a while now. The colour does not seem to stay in the middle and ends of my hair. So they redid the whole thing again. The result is that it is even darker. I wore it straight and down to work yesterday. I have never ever had so many people comment on my hair before. Even the boss commented you have gone darker. It looks nice. So I guess dark it stays.

Well I am going to get dressed and go to the shops and try and find another top. I am sick of wearing the same clothes all the bloody time. I just don't have that many clothes. Even losing weight I have pants and jeans but no tops. Of course I will only just get there and D will call and say they are off to the beach now. But oh well.

Alone

Feeling really down atm. Even though D has just left. Basically the reason is because I realise he has no interest in me in a way that I would like him to and all I do is wonder why. He keeps saying things like "this is why we can't be together..." one of those things is my kids. No wonder I am single. We took them down to the beach and they are just full on. And I know they are just kids. But they are all over him like a rash and just don't leave him alone. He is not used to that. Add to that his back problems it is a lot for him. But I can't say to them just stop. Well I do when they get out of hand but generally I can't. They like him. They have a crappy dad so they are attracted to someone who treats me with respect and someone who treats them better than their dad does. But the catch is it gets boring after a while. Boring is not the word annoying is probably a better phrase.

I don't know anymore. I really don't. There is no one else even remotely like D on the horizon. We get on so well. I know he likes me as well but there are so many things that for the want of better words push him away.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It is getting me down.

Just Cruising along

Not much is happening really. I am officially in my new job as of tomorrow. So that is great. I can now rearrange my office the way I want it. I didn't want to do it until Ann-Marie had gone. Even now I will only do it slowly. I just feel funny about it. But all in all it is exciting. I only had one day on registers last week and then Thursday and Friday were spent with Ann-Marie going over a few things I wasn't sure about.

Things are much the same with D. I have pulled back a bit now I guess. Mainly because he is so confident about me. And it annoys the crap out of me. I am such an open book and I find it really hard to not be. Last night we took the kids down to the park and had a BBQ. He gets on really well with the kids. Although he is corrupting them. The bugger. Of course when it came to bed time the kids got all feral on me. But geez I think it is only fair I enjoy D to myself for a bit before he went home. Laura was really on at him to spend the night. Which I chatted her about. I went on a major cleaning spree yesterday which included washing my sheets. She only bloody said that to him. So he now thinks I did that especially for him. I guess he left last night about 10ish. Although I had given him a kiss on the cheek and a hug earlier I did nothing after that. When he left I made no move to hug or kiss. I went inside before he had even finished pulling out of the drive way lol. Wonder what he made of it all.

And I have to say it was lovely sleeping alone in my bed with lovely clean sheets.

Uni starts back tomorrow. I am still waiting for some of my books to arrive from the book shop but I am quite excited about getting into it again. I am doing a sociology subject about families. I think I am going to find it very interesting. I am also doing constitutional law. Which I hate and have failed before. So fingers crossed this time I will do better.

Taekwondo has changed times. So we won't be staying as late when we go. I am pleased about that. No more late nights for the kids and still time for me to do to homework before my brain shuts down for the night.

I have decided to get a lap top. Only a simple basic one. I only need it for the Internet and for uni stuff. I am not keen on Vista at all but will see. Apparently it takes up a lots of room on the computer. I don't know. Will see.

Also I am over my weight at the moment. Why can't I stop eating. I just don't seem to have the will power and I am over it. I need to really really make an effort so that I start losing weight again so that I get motivated again. I read an article about how we hit a point where we get so sick of it all, and are no longer in our comfort zone so we do something about it. The we lose some weight and people notice, we fit into smaller clothes again and we are in our comfort zone again. So we get slack. This is so very true for me. Although I have lost about 8 kilos and fitting into all my clothes I am still far from my gaol. I also don't feel happy with my body. I hate the muffin top hanging over the edge. No way do I want anyone to see me naked. Thankfully I seem to maintain this weight really well and I have been here before. But this time I want to beat it. I need to get the scales moving again so that will motivate me.

Things I need to remember when in doubt.

That D likes my company that much that we spent the whole weekend together.
That D wants to spend time with the kids and I next weekend at a park and have a BBQ
That D when asked if he could take Patrick and I fishing so I could do something like that with Patrick he suggests we spend a weekend at Wallaroo.
That after driving all the way out to Glenelg rather than driving home in this hot weather he drives here to see me. Even if he could only stay a little while, as I had to go out.
That he rings me just to joke with me the same day I left his house after spending the whole weekend together.
That he told me that he wants me in his life...always.
That he can just by his words and touch make me feel like the sexiest woman alive and yet no expect sex with it.
That he doesn't care what I look like when he arrives here and i have just gotten off the treadmill.

Men are just weird.

Ok. so D has said he doesn't want to see me again. I rang him Wednesday night and we were talking. Talking about Monday night etc. And it went back to the old we are just friends thing. I guess though I was fishing for a bit more. I don't know. In the end he just said I don't see any way around this other than I dont' see you anymore. I was devastated. I can see where he is coming from. I am getting in way to deep. He has no desire to hurt me. The biggest thing for me I guess is that the words out of his mouth are friends but his actions scream relationship.

In a way I guess that says stuff about him. He has stuff to sort out. I did try txting him and he just told me to stop. So I left it. I can't imagine my life now without him it.

Thursday afternoon he txt me asking if I can drop his mum's shot glasses back to her. If she is not there then just put them on the back step. I replied that I would do it Friday. I also mentioned that I hated the fact that our friendship had gone and that we got on to well for it all to turn to shit. No reply.

Yesterday he rolls into work!!! To ask me what I am doing Saturday at 1.15. He is getting his tattoo and I had ask to come and watch and did I still want to.

So he said he would be at his mum's when I dropped the glasses off and would see him then. I went around there after work. Didn't get home until after 12. All above board and very friend like. We didn't get much time to talk and even when we could we didn't really. We were helping his eldest son move house. When we were in the car together he says see this is more what friends do. My comment was well we do this anyway. It is all just the added stuff. He agreed. I said that I didn't want to lose him out of my life. He stated he knew that and he didn't want to lose me out of his life either. (I guess making the move of seeing me at work)

In the original phone call he said that we can't keep our hands off each other and it is true. So that is going to be a lesson in self control to stop that. It is screwing both of us.

In a way I think he has it fixed in his head he has to do certain things before he can commit to someone again. Which I guess makes sense. Anyway he must have done some thinking. Well he even said he felt he had to start doing stuff. So he has just about booked his tickets for overseas. This is the major thing. He is leaving on the 11th May and doesn't come home until 14th July. And the sudden action on getting the tattoo. He has been talking about these things for ages.

I know now how much he does like me but is really not ready. And although he is falling for me he really really is not ready for that or he would allow it to happen. However, I will not allow myself to get hurt like that again. I was devastated he said he didn't' want to see me anymore. So I will tread slowly. I will enjoy what we have and no longer try and see stuff that he is not ready for me to see. Yeah I know you are all going well doh. But it is hard for me. Although I am gaining more confidence I am still very much lacking. I need to hear the good stuff. I need to hear that he likes me etc. I need to now remember that he came back to me and not the other way around. That he isn't going out with anyone else. That he does very much need his space so he can do his own stuff. I need to be assured that he is my best friend and he enjoys my company just as much as I enjoy his and he is not interested in a relationship with anyone and if he was I would be the one. KATE YOU MUST REMEMBER THESE THINGS.

And the fun time ends.

D has just said he doesn't want to ever see me again. And he means it. It is over.

A funeral, sexy shoes and a movie

Nana's funeral was last Friday. The weather was stinking hot. About 45 degrees. So that was pretty yuk. I was sitting next to my cousin and before it started we were just cracking each other up. My nana would have been laughing along with us as she was a crack up herself. My mum turned to us at one point and said if we weren't careful she would separate us lol. That was said because the three kids were there. Who I might add were so well behaved it wasn't funny. Any way of course I did point out that although we are the giggle corner now we will be the sooky la la corner before long. And of course we were. I don't like funerals but it is the closure I guess.

Last week on my week off, I did nothing but eat and spend money lol. I got a new phone. A touch phone. Samsung F430. I love it. I also brought a new pair of heeled shoes. As soon as I saw them I had to have them. I am not normally a shoe person but these are the sexiest cutest pair of shoes. They are a 1920's look. Lace up. But higher heel then back then. I wore them to the funeral and everyone commented on how they looked like my great grandmothers shoes lol. They were a good choice.

Now after seeing D last Tuesday and having words I hadn't seen him since then for a while. He txt me Friday for the funeral and then nothing. I was worrying but thought well that is him pulling back. Sunday morning he rings me. Wants to know if I would like to go for a drive. He forgot I had the kids so it didn't' happen. But he said just as friends lol. So we had a bit of a chat and reiterated the friends thing. Blah blah. I told him I hated not seeing him as much and that it wasn't about the touchy feeling stuff that I missed it was the companionship. But he just said that I needed to get used to not seeing him as much as it was just friends and friends don't spend this amount of time together. Words to that effect.

2 hours later is drives into my driveway!! I had been on the treadmill. Was all sweaty and yuck. Such a surprise. I guess he stayed about an hour. We just chatted. I made a comment about the way I looked and bless him he said I don't care how you look.

We had made plans to catch up for a movie the next night. I wore my child size 16 jeans and my new shoes. Which D had seen but not on me and liked a lot. He freaked out when he saw me. I had a belt on which helped the thinner image. But he loved the shoes. I have never ever had a man make such a big deal over my feet before. I have small feet. These are size 6 so they looked even smaller in these heels. He loved them. We went out to dinner which was really nice. We then just went for a bit of a drive and stopped near the beach. All the while saying nothing is happening we are just friends. But all the while he is getting turned on by my feet and legs which at this point are in his lap lol. He kept saying that he shot himself with the new boundaries etc but we stuck by them and it was all good. Until the movies lol. There were kisses and cuddles. And it was so nice.

The movie was the new Clint Eastwood, Gran Turino. It was a good movie. Maybe a bit slow but it was horrible in parts so of course I cried lol.

It was a good night. When we came out I said to D we need to stop making these boundaries as we don't stick to them. He sort of agreed but nothing much was said. But all through the night the comments like I may just have to accept the fact that when I come back from overseas and I am ready you may have another guy. Comments like that are what keeps giving me hope. I honestly don't' think he is bullshitting me. I don't have that much to offer a guy. And it certainly isn't the sex he keeps coming back for as there really isn't any. We have had sex once since Wallaroo. If we were having sex all the time then I would perhaps doubt what he says. I don't know. I just have hope and he keeps giving me hope. For now I am happy with what we have. And yes I keep bloody saying it. I like him, he likes me, we have fun together. We are great friends. If nothing else it stays that way, or it may be setting the foundation to a great relationship.

Kids are ok. Still abit all over the place. Patrick especially. He has a lot riding on things though. He missed taekwondo grading last term because of his grading so he knows it can happen again. Just things like that he knows he needs to lose this bossy negative behaviour. Of course he sees his dad doing it but hopefully there is enough of us not doing it that soon he will get the message he needs to change.

arftermath

I have come home from work. I couldn't cope. I was just crying all the time and no way I could have served customers all day.

I have spoken to D and things are good. He said he has put it behind him. Things are going to be different. No cuddles and kisses etc. No sex. There hasn't been much of that anyway but there was some. But basically just friends. Of course this keeps being said and it keeps falling back to how we are now. But he has pulled back. He said he has considered asking me out but he isn't ready. So I will respect his choices. I don't have to like them but I will respect them. Our friendship is to important and the hope of a relationship is still very real. It may not happen but there is hope.

It is very different from when G and I were "seeing" each other. I was hoping and falling for something that wasn't there. There is something here this time it is just to soon for D. Perhaps it is to soon for me. I don't know. I just hope things don't change to much, in that I don't see him as much. But once he knows I will willing to respect his choices I am sure he will be happy again to be around me more. At the moment he is so worried about hurting me that he just pulled away. he keeps telling me he doesn't want to lead me up the garden path. Of course he isn't because he has always been honest.

He is not ready to settle down yet. I accept that and the minute he starts to feel he is in a relationship he gets worried. So I need to accept that.

Another thing that I haven't mentioned much of his my hassles with Patrick. He is so negative all the time and just being rude and putting people down. I am so over it and he is over me being over it and we are butting heads. I feel guilty all the time and blah blah blah. I am sure you all get what I am saying. So everything that normally I would cope with seems to have just hit me and made me unable to cope. I have the rest of the week off work. The funeral is on Friday.

Today I am sitting with a chip filled cheese and bacon roll and a brownie and watching some movies. The dishes and my diet can wait for tomorrow.

It is all fun and games until someone had an eye out......

D and I have had words. My nana died yesterday and right now I am so low it is not funny. Just that has seemed to have triggered me losing all my self confidence and everything. Everything has just piled onto of my grief of that.

I was supposed to go out tonight with the girls from work and D was looking after the kids. Well that went by the way side. He still came over though. I have been crying off and on all night. Usually when he hugged me as it has just made me want more. Just wanted him to stay the night and hold me. To come to the funeral on Friday. All things that I know he can't do. But it doesn't stop me wanting them.

So basically he got upset that I was wanting more and hurting me so he is pulling right back. I am so far down on myself at the moment that all I can see is that he is rejecting me. I am a nice girl but..... I think we have just killed us. No that is not true because he won't allow that. Rationally I know that but I am not thinking rationally. I am so angry at myself for saying something. For wanting more when I damn well know that he can't give me more. And again rationally I know it isn't me. He doesn't want a relationship full stop. I am making it into one. And now I have just scared the crap out of him and stuffed what ever we had up.

I am such a fucking idiot. To even think that someone would like to spend that much time with me. I don't even know what to. I have let this man into my life. Into my kids life. How can I just go out and find someone else. How can I do that to my kids? I said this months ago. I am not supposed to end up with anyone. It all just turns to crap. I am not good enough. What is the bloody point anyway?

Partying with the young ones

Saturday night I went to a girl from works house for drinks with a few others from work. The majority of these people are in their early 20's so I was the oldest by a few years.

Every time we have had drinks on other occasions I have not been able to drink due to driving etc, so they were all very keen to see me drunk. Which I did. lol.

It was a great night. I didn't disgrace myself. Ok I talked to much but hey that isn't that bad. I have discovered though I don't like jager bombs. Talk about gross. But all in all it was a good night.

Not much else is happening. D is still all over the place. Some days he gives me hope for us and other days he pulls right back. We are best friends and that is good though. He told me last night that he is looking to go overseas in May. I am very excited for him as this is something massive that he needs to do. I said to him the other day he has all these things he needs to do but at the moment he has to sit around and just wait. (few other things happening that i won't go into) Once this os trip is done things will be different for him. He is also not going to be gone for as long as he originally thought and I love that.

We do have something special between us. (he told me it is like a magnet that always draws him here) I only hope that when he comes back from os that he is ready for to think about a relationship. That his head is screwed on a bit more.

Everything is still fresh to him though. He said he loves that we are not in a relationship as we don't fight. If we were in a relationship then we would fight. That says to me that all his marriage crap is still there on the surface. So makes things clearer for me, to really see why he is not ready to commit yet.

I do really like him and could easily surrender my heart totally to him. But honestly if it never happens I have the best friend anyone could ever want.