D and I have had words. My nana died yesterday and right now I am so low it is not funny. Just that has seemed to have triggered me losing all my self confidence and everything. Everything has just piled onto of my grief of that.
I was supposed to go out tonight with the girls from work and D was looking after the kids. Well that went by the way side. He still came over though. I have been crying off and on all night. Usually when he hugged me as it has just made me want more. Just wanted him to stay the night and hold me. To come to the funeral on Friday. All things that I know he can't do. But it doesn't stop me wanting them.
So basically he got upset that I was wanting more and hurting me so he is pulling right back. I am so far down on myself at the moment that all I can see is that he is rejecting me. I am a nice girl but..... I think we have just killed us. No that is not true because he won't allow that. Rationally I know that but I am not thinking rationally. I am so angry at myself for saying something. For wanting more when I damn well know that he can't give me more. And again rationally I know it isn't me. He doesn't want a relationship full stop. I am making it into one. And now I have just scared the crap out of him and stuffed what ever we had up.
I am such a fucking idiot. To even think that someone would like to spend that much time with me. I don't even know what to. I have let this man into my life. Into my kids life. How can I just go out and find someone else. How can I do that to my kids? I said this months ago. I am not supposed to end up with anyone. It all just turns to crap. I am not good enough. What is the bloody point anyway?
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