I guess mainly because things are so busy with me. Work, kids, study and trying to have a life as well.
It would seem to be that I have met the one. He is now moved in and things are going ok. I say ok. He and I are good. Our lives are ok. lol. It is hard to explain. It has/is taking me a while to adjust to having someone live with me after 6 years of just me and the kids. It is taking time for him to adjust as well. Especially becoming step dad to three kids. I guess that is the biggest thing for us that we deal with on a day to day basis.
After being the only one for 6 years there are lots of things I have let slide with the kids. Otherwise I would just constantly be on them. I feel like that anyway. But the things that I have let slide are the things that get to P. Like the way the kids talk to me. I guess the respect thing. After a few humdingers of fights, it has been decided that I will deal with Patrick, the younger two P will wade in where needed. Things with Patrick are so hard. The whole teenage thing as well as having to deal with a shit dad. He has been suspended from school and in trouble a lot. P came into where it was at its worse and I guess we didn't totally agree so he has decided to back off. It has been a big learning curve for us all I guess.
P is great though. Albeit grumpy at times!! lol He just wants to look after me and for me to be happy. I love coming home to him. Knowing that he loves me. I have no doubt about that. It is great. I have had to review my way I think the whole relationship thing needs to be done sometimes though. But really no surprise there as I have always said I have had unreal expectations. I can't believe that just out of the blue though the one person I am going to spend my life with is here with me now!!
So to the other parts of my life. work is shit at the moment. Amazing how one person can impact so many people. In a negative way. But because I am the one who has to work so closely with her I am the one getting the shit mostly. I have spoken up about it though which in a way has made things worse but hopefully will settle soon.
Shit for brains is shit for brains. We had mediation last week. Wasn't that crap. It is just all about money for him. Even though I said I would pay for the private school he still would not agree. He wants me to forgo child support because he thinks that because I can send the kids to a private school then I don't need child support. As if I am letting him off of that. But yes it was all just about money and he will not agree to the private school. I am sending the kids there but he is not agreeing to it. In a way thank god for mediation. He can't just go back to court with this.
We also tried to talk about contact. I want it to be more flexible but he just wants it changed. We didn't get into this very far because all the earlier insults that he was throwing around I didn't react to but the mediators could see me getting upset when shit for brains started in saying that I was an unfit mum etc. There was no point going on then.
So much for no money though. Turns out he has preordered a PS3 game worth over $100 and he took the kids to the show. No I don't care about that apart from the fact he is crying poor to me. Piss off you dick.
So in a nutshell that is it really. I am still plodding along. Still having stresses. I just now have someone who thinks I am wonderful that I can take my stress out on. Which I do a lot. Poor guy cops me ranting sometimes. But hey he does it back when he needs to as well. Also means that I don't cook. I cooked tonight for the first time in months. Which surprisingly I didn't mind as much. Helps that I now have a dishwasher as well.
Ok well that is me done for now. No doubt it will be months before I get around to updating again.
Monday, 6 September 2010
Monday, 31 May 2010
I'm Back???/
Yeah it has been a long time I know. I guess things didn't really improve for quite a while. The thing with the separated (married man) ended bad. No surprise I guess. Long story short. I held off for ages. I ended up being suckered in. I ended up being hurt. Typical really. As of this morning though he is going back to his wife. I got a txt last night saying he was deleting me off of Facebook. Pity he is not deleting the other girl he moved onto after me as well. But goes to show how much I meant to him. Thankfully I made the choice to get out when I did otherwise I probably would have hurt more than I did. And that was a lot!
So I guess the biggest thing is my new man. Even before the above mentioned guy I decided I wanted to do things differently next time. With him it was different because I already knew him. Well with this one, (P) boy is it different. I guess I have known him now nearly 2 months. We see each other every day and basically he stays here every night. Full on huh! He used to be a chef up until a couple of years ago so he has gotten into my kids hearts via food lol. They love it. Must admit so do I. I have done basically no cooking which those who know me will know that is my dream come true right there.
He spoils me like I have never known before. Which is taking some getting used to. I also don't really feel so totally insecure in the relationship. Which is also a first. That has never happened before. I guess that is because I see him so much. He met my mum and dad very early on because he wanted to. It is really and truly so different from anything I have experienced before. I do not know what I am going to do. There are no little red flags etc like there have been with other guys. He has always has had long term relationships as well. He hasn't dated many so that gives me hope as well.
He is getting me jewelry for my birthday. Which he has ordered already. I guess that is an indication that he wants to hang around.
Things with Shit for Brains is still bad. Patrick is going to high school next year. I have him booked into a private school near me. Which will send me broke. But I have told SFB that I will meet all the school costs but he is still refusing to allow the kids to go there. Saying they need to go to the high school near him. This school has such a bad reputation. He says it is so they can ride their bikes from his place and he does not have to pay OSCH fees! They are with him 4 days in a fortnight and only have 2 of those days at school. Yet the school is 30 minutes away from me. Get real.
Anyway before we can go to court we have to do mediation. So we each meet with the mediator separately then meet together. I have had my first thing but he hasn't contacted them yet. I initiated it all so he is going to stall as long as he can I am sure. It is such crap because he must realise that if we do go to court the judge is going to think he is crazy to pass the fact that he does not have to pay for the fees and yet his kids still go to a private school.
Work is ok I guess. No where as good as they used to be now that managers have all changed around. It is better than it was earlier this year. I no longer end up in tears on some days. It is only really one person that makes it sucky and there is not much I can do about it. I just hope things just continue to get better.
The kids are the kids. Patrick turns 13 next week and has the teenager attitude already. It sucks and I am at my wits end sometimes. Especially as Lachlan copies him. What can I do but keep plodding along.
So I guess the biggest thing is my new man. Even before the above mentioned guy I decided I wanted to do things differently next time. With him it was different because I already knew him. Well with this one, (P) boy is it different. I guess I have known him now nearly 2 months. We see each other every day and basically he stays here every night. Full on huh! He used to be a chef up until a couple of years ago so he has gotten into my kids hearts via food lol. They love it. Must admit so do I. I have done basically no cooking which those who know me will know that is my dream come true right there.
He spoils me like I have never known before. Which is taking some getting used to. I also don't really feel so totally insecure in the relationship. Which is also a first. That has never happened before. I guess that is because I see him so much. He met my mum and dad very early on because he wanted to. It is really and truly so different from anything I have experienced before. I do not know what I am going to do. There are no little red flags etc like there have been with other guys. He has always has had long term relationships as well. He hasn't dated many so that gives me hope as well.
He is getting me jewelry for my birthday. Which he has ordered already. I guess that is an indication that he wants to hang around.
Things with Shit for Brains is still bad. Patrick is going to high school next year. I have him booked into a private school near me. Which will send me broke. But I have told SFB that I will meet all the school costs but he is still refusing to allow the kids to go there. Saying they need to go to the high school near him. This school has such a bad reputation. He says it is so they can ride their bikes from his place and he does not have to pay OSCH fees! They are with him 4 days in a fortnight and only have 2 of those days at school. Yet the school is 30 minutes away from me. Get real.
Anyway before we can go to court we have to do mediation. So we each meet with the mediator separately then meet together. I have had my first thing but he hasn't contacted them yet. I initiated it all so he is going to stall as long as he can I am sure. It is such crap because he must realise that if we do go to court the judge is going to think he is crazy to pass the fact that he does not have to pay for the fees and yet his kids still go to a private school.
Work is ok I guess. No where as good as they used to be now that managers have all changed around. It is better than it was earlier this year. I no longer end up in tears on some days. It is only really one person that makes it sucky and there is not much I can do about it. I just hope things just continue to get better.
The kids are the kids. Patrick turns 13 next week and has the teenager attitude already. It sucks and I am at my wits end sometimes. Especially as Lachlan copies him. What can I do but keep plodding along.
Sunday, 28 March 2010
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
Shit for Brains
So yes this is the longest that I have left it without saying anything. And now it is to rant and rave about my dickhead ex husband.
So Sunday night I had mum and dad look after my kids overnight so I could go to a farewell drinks thing for a girl at work. I rarely get mum and dad to look after them unless it is because I am working.
The kids were at SFB last night. Of course once he found out that mum and dad looked after the kids it was on. He told the kids I was a skank etc etc. I got txt messages from the kids saying they never want to go to his house again.
I found out today that he was telling them that they were fucking twits and he didn't want to know them. That where I live is full of fat single mums. They can do what they like because they don't exist. He constantly swore at them and carried on.
Not sure what I am going to do. I will have to ring him tomorrow while he is at work and leave a message telling him that the kids don't want to see him or be with him at the moment.
Of course there is a downside to all of this. If I didn't have a life before, I really won't have one now. I am going to be dead. And that is a really selfish view I know but it is really hard to work 9 hours, come home and cook and clean and sort the kids, with no break. But the kids come first and I am going to have to suck it up. They can not be around shit like that, they just can't.
So Sunday night I had mum and dad look after my kids overnight so I could go to a farewell drinks thing for a girl at work. I rarely get mum and dad to look after them unless it is because I am working.
The kids were at SFB last night. Of course once he found out that mum and dad looked after the kids it was on. He told the kids I was a skank etc etc. I got txt messages from the kids saying they never want to go to his house again.
I found out today that he was telling them that they were fucking twits and he didn't want to know them. That where I live is full of fat single mums. They can do what they like because they don't exist. He constantly swore at them and carried on.
Not sure what I am going to do. I will have to ring him tomorrow while he is at work and leave a message telling him that the kids don't want to see him or be with him at the moment.
Of course there is a downside to all of this. If I didn't have a life before, I really won't have one now. I am going to be dead. And that is a really selfish view I know but it is really hard to work 9 hours, come home and cook and clean and sort the kids, with no break. But the kids come first and I am going to have to suck it up. They can not be around shit like that, they just can't.
Friday, 18 December 2009
Nothing has changed.
Still feeling the same. Yuk and yuk and yuk. Work is good at the moment as it takes my mind of shit. I haven't had the kids this week and it has been good. Just come home and go to bed.
Last night I met a guy who I went to school with. We caught up on facebook. Turns out his parents live not far from me. It was nice to catch up. The only catch is that he is married yet his marriage is on its last legs and they are just holding out till Christmas. So he is txting me a lot etc. Which is all nice of course but he is unavailable. He keeps flirting a little which again is nice but not good. even if he does split with his wife I don't want someone straight out of a 13 year marriage. So I am keeping him at arms distance etc. But like in school we get on well and of course i like the attention. But on the other hand it upsets me as I just feel shit because only people like that want me. It is only because he and his wife are at each other and my life etc looks pretty good. I am under no illusions. Hence keeping him at bay. He wanted to catch up again this morning but i said no.
So yeah it is still sucky. I still haven't even put the Christmas tree up and still don't want to. NO doubt the kids will want to though.
So sorry there is not much more news. But basically my life is shit. I work I sleep. When the kids come home I will work. I will come home negotiate fights and then sleep. How exciting huh?
Last night I met a guy who I went to school with. We caught up on facebook. Turns out his parents live not far from me. It was nice to catch up. The only catch is that he is married yet his marriage is on its last legs and they are just holding out till Christmas. So he is txting me a lot etc. Which is all nice of course but he is unavailable. He keeps flirting a little which again is nice but not good. even if he does split with his wife I don't want someone straight out of a 13 year marriage. So I am keeping him at arms distance etc. But like in school we get on well and of course i like the attention. But on the other hand it upsets me as I just feel shit because only people like that want me. It is only because he and his wife are at each other and my life etc looks pretty good. I am under no illusions. Hence keeping him at bay. He wanted to catch up again this morning but i said no.
So yeah it is still sucky. I still haven't even put the Christmas tree up and still don't want to. NO doubt the kids will want to though.
So sorry there is not much more news. But basically my life is shit. I work I sleep. When the kids come home I will work. I will come home negotiate fights and then sleep. How exciting huh?
Friday, 4 December 2009
over it over it over it.
I have had enough. I am sick of everything. I just want to sleep until all the bad bits are over. And considering I have been saying that for many many years I don't see it happening anytime soon.
I can't believe I am at this point again in my life where I just so foul and yuk. Totally worthless and just a big fat nothing.
I don't want to do christmas. Ha what am I talking about I am not doing christmas anyway. M has fucked it all up yet again and I see the kids from 4pm Christmas day and then they go back to his house 10am the next morning. Christmas will be spent alone. Which is probably just as well.
Life sucks it really really does and I am over it.
I can't believe I am at this point again in my life where I just so foul and yuk. Totally worthless and just a big fat nothing.
I don't want to do christmas. Ha what am I talking about I am not doing christmas anyway. M has fucked it all up yet again and I see the kids from 4pm Christmas day and then they go back to his house 10am the next morning. Christmas will be spent alone. Which is probably just as well.
Life sucks it really really does and I am over it.
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Yes it has been a while
So yes I know it has been quite a while. I guess I just haven't been in the mood to right anything.
So where to start? I am guessing with Mr 25. Things are going well. I still have my doubts. I do not trust at all. Which makes things really really hard for him. He knows how I feel. We went out a couple of weeks ago and had a great weekend. He met the kids last Sunday and that all went well. We have been spending all this weekend together as well. So what are the problems?
He does live so far away and of course has no bloody licence. I hate that. He is relying on trains and buses. Another thing has cropped up as well which means I no longer have all my weekends free. (I will go into that in a minute) So therefore he is concerned he is not going to see me as much and we are not seeing each other that much now. He was worried that I would keep my walls up for to long. But they are coming down. Albeit slowly. But now I know he is really concerned about not seeing me as much. So now I just feel it slipping away. Just after I let my heart open up a bit. It is really killing me and I have decided that I will speak to him tonight about it.
The reasons my weekends are no longer all going to be free? I got the trainee managers job. I will be staying at the store I am now. It starts on the 23rd. I know that there are going to be people that are going to be pissed off with this, especially as the other service trainee manager is leaving to another store. He is really well liked and respected. More so than i am in certain people's eyes. So it is going to be an interesting time that is for sure. I only found out yesterday so it is not well known yet.
So that is basically all that is happening at the moment. I am just plodding along not doing much really.
Oh and just for the record. A never came and did my brakes. Never got back in contact. I am going to have to contact him at some point as he has a key to my house and has a dvd of mine that I want back. I am not looking forward to dealing with it all. Especially knowing it is a problem apparently being friends.
So where to start? I am guessing with Mr 25. Things are going well. I still have my doubts. I do not trust at all. Which makes things really really hard for him. He knows how I feel. We went out a couple of weeks ago and had a great weekend. He met the kids last Sunday and that all went well. We have been spending all this weekend together as well. So what are the problems?
He does live so far away and of course has no bloody licence. I hate that. He is relying on trains and buses. Another thing has cropped up as well which means I no longer have all my weekends free. (I will go into that in a minute) So therefore he is concerned he is not going to see me as much and we are not seeing each other that much now. He was worried that I would keep my walls up for to long. But they are coming down. Albeit slowly. But now I know he is really concerned about not seeing me as much. So now I just feel it slipping away. Just after I let my heart open up a bit. It is really killing me and I have decided that I will speak to him tonight about it.
The reasons my weekends are no longer all going to be free? I got the trainee managers job. I will be staying at the store I am now. It starts on the 23rd. I know that there are going to be people that are going to be pissed off with this, especially as the other service trainee manager is leaving to another store. He is really well liked and respected. More so than i am in certain people's eyes. So it is going to be an interesting time that is for sure. I only found out yesterday so it is not well known yet.
So that is basically all that is happening at the moment. I am just plodding along not doing much really.
Oh and just for the record. A never came and did my brakes. Never got back in contact. I am going to have to contact him at some point as he has a key to my house and has a dvd of mine that I want back. I am not looking forward to dealing with it all. Especially knowing it is a problem apparently being friends.
Sunday, 25 October 2009
Also like to say
That my children have been the most horrible, selfish, fighting, disrespectful children that ever lived and I have had the worst weekend because of that. I suck at being a mum and at the moment I hate it. Being a single mum is the worst job in the world and I want to quit. I am so over everything. Life really shouldn't be this hard it really shouldn't. I want out.
So now what
So yeah he has a girlfriend. I went around there and he never said a word. We were good. He kissed me. Peck on the lips. We play fought. Have I said all this already? Anyway then I find out about the girlfriend.
So he was going to do my brakes today. I txt him Friday saying what time. He told me he wasn't sure has he was going to a party the night before and didn't know what state he would be in. I replied with no worries it is daylight savings so it didn't matter if it was late. I txt him yesterday with no reply saying I have the brakes. I will be home all day and I will see him when I see him Sunday. It is now nearly 6.30 and he is not here and has not contacted me. Why do I deserve to be treated like this. I am so pissed off at him.
Now to the other news. I went back on the dating site. And broke my rule. I accepted contact with a 25 year old. And we have freaking hit it off. I don't know what to do. We have been talking all yesterday and a lot of today. He lives an hour and half away which sucks especially as he lost his licence for dui. Arghhh. Everything else is great though.
G has told me to take it steady this time and I want to but it is really hard when this guy is so nice. I don't trust what he says. And he knows that but shit it is still nice to hear, especially from a young guy. We have web cammed it a couple of times. All clean of course. And he has seen me at my worst. First thing in the morning. It is freaking me out really. I have thrown everything at him. Every negative thing I can think of. Sort of like if he knows it all and decides to back out now I won't be as hurt as much. Rather than he gets it later and then runs when I am in deep.
I am angry and upset at A. I don't want him back for the simple reason I can't trust him. And now I can't trust any guy. All my insecurities are just screaming and then add to that that this guy is 10 years younger than me. Why oh why would he want me. He says he wants a woman who has her feet on the ground and won't mess him around. I did inform him that older women do that as well I am sure. But there you go. I don't want to hurt him but I need to look out for me as well and remember that. He is so nice though. Lol just like A was. I love it when we talk but I just don't trust it as well.
He is down this way tomorrow so he is popping into work. But we have our first date on Saturday. Breakfast. It is a bit different this time given we have sort of met because of the camera. But even so. I just do not know what I am doing. No clue.
So he was going to do my brakes today. I txt him Friday saying what time. He told me he wasn't sure has he was going to a party the night before and didn't know what state he would be in. I replied with no worries it is daylight savings so it didn't matter if it was late. I txt him yesterday with no reply saying I have the brakes. I will be home all day and I will see him when I see him Sunday. It is now nearly 6.30 and he is not here and has not contacted me. Why do I deserve to be treated like this. I am so pissed off at him.
Now to the other news. I went back on the dating site. And broke my rule. I accepted contact with a 25 year old. And we have freaking hit it off. I don't know what to do. We have been talking all yesterday and a lot of today. He lives an hour and half away which sucks especially as he lost his licence for dui. Arghhh. Everything else is great though.
G has told me to take it steady this time and I want to but it is really hard when this guy is so nice. I don't trust what he says. And he knows that but shit it is still nice to hear, especially from a young guy. We have web cammed it a couple of times. All clean of course. And he has seen me at my worst. First thing in the morning. It is freaking me out really. I have thrown everything at him. Every negative thing I can think of. Sort of like if he knows it all and decides to back out now I won't be as hurt as much. Rather than he gets it later and then runs when I am in deep.
I am angry and upset at A. I don't want him back for the simple reason I can't trust him. And now I can't trust any guy. All my insecurities are just screaming and then add to that that this guy is 10 years younger than me. Why oh why would he want me. He says he wants a woman who has her feet on the ground and won't mess him around. I did inform him that older women do that as well I am sure. But there you go. I don't want to hurt him but I need to look out for me as well and remember that. He is so nice though. Lol just like A was. I love it when we talk but I just don't trust it as well.
He is down this way tomorrow so he is popping into work. But we have our first date on Saturday. Breakfast. It is a bit different this time given we have sort of met because of the camera. But even so. I just do not know what I am doing. No clue.
Monday, 19 October 2009
How quickly I mean nothing
A has a new girlfriend. Met her a week and a half ago. He has even come off the dating site. Never did that for me. Just goes to show how much I meant to him.
Friday, 16 October 2009
don't want to be here
So just do not want to be here. Already my weekend looms ahead full of loneliness and nothingness. I knew this would happen. I just want to pack up and go away. Realistically though I know it will be the same everywhere but least I would be away from A.
I don't know what is going on. Well I guess I do. We are friends. He txt me before I got on the plan, and we have been in contact while I have been away. But I want more than that. He offered me so much and then just took it all away. I am supposed to be catching up with him at some point hopefully tonight but I am so stressed about it. I don't want to know if he is seeing other girls but I do want to know. I don't know how it is going to be around him. I haven't seen him since he ended the relationship.
I am just sick of it all. I do want someone in my life and I just can't see it happening. I hate feeling like this. I wish in a way I had never met A because he showed me what could happen and then it feels like I can't ever have it.
I am over pretending but what else can I do? No one who hasn't not been in this situation can ever even attempt to understand it. And most people around me haven't been in this situation.
I am so so very over this.
Queensland was great. The kids drove me insane but I did knew they would. But it was fantastic. It was so good to see Raina again. And I met one of her daughters as well which was good. It was nice to be able to relax and chat. The kids had a great time. We are all so very tired. I do just want to pack up and move away from here. Just to start again. Yes it is called running away. But even though that is not an option it feels like the only one I have and I don't even have that at the moment. That doesn't make sense but it does to me.
I don't know what is going on. Well I guess I do. We are friends. He txt me before I got on the plan, and we have been in contact while I have been away. But I want more than that. He offered me so much and then just took it all away. I am supposed to be catching up with him at some point hopefully tonight but I am so stressed about it. I don't want to know if he is seeing other girls but I do want to know. I don't know how it is going to be around him. I haven't seen him since he ended the relationship.
I am just sick of it all. I do want someone in my life and I just can't see it happening. I hate feeling like this. I wish in a way I had never met A because he showed me what could happen and then it feels like I can't ever have it.
I am over pretending but what else can I do? No one who hasn't not been in this situation can ever even attempt to understand it. And most people around me haven't been in this situation.
I am so so very over this.
Queensland was great. The kids drove me insane but I did knew they would. But it was fantastic. It was so good to see Raina again. And I met one of her daughters as well which was good. It was nice to be able to relax and chat. The kids had a great time. We are all so very tired. I do just want to pack up and move away from here. Just to start again. Yes it is called running away. But even though that is not an option it feels like the only one I have and I don't even have that at the moment. That doesn't make sense but it does to me.
Tuesday, 6 October 2009
Struggling
Just seem to be having a bad day today. I am excited about going to Qld and seeing Raina. But I don't want to come home to my life as it is now.
I was just at the shops. Because it is school holidays there are all these families there and it just hurt so much because I don't have that. I want so much to settle down with someone who loves me and the kids. Who wants to be with me. And just everything that goes with that. I thought A was that. He told me he wanted that with me. And of course that turned to crap and what he said and what he really meant were two different things.
I want someone to miss me while i am gone. I want to receive the lovely txt messages while I am away saying I am thinking of you. All the things that A did. Until about 2 weeks before it ended. I am still grappling with what happened. We were so good when we were together. How can it all just turn to crap? I just can't stop thinking about him and it all.
To make matters worse I saw a lady that looked like my nana at the shops and I realised how much I miss her has well. Just to sit and talk to her. She would tell me everything was going to be ok.
It is the good thing about going away with Raina. Least she understands. No one else does here. So it is the whole pretend game happening. There is no point saying anything because people really have no clue how hard it is to be alone. To not have the one person in your life that is your life. Yes I probably sound pathetic but all those that are thinking that are probably the ones who have that person. Yes they may go away for work etc but least you know they love you and are there for you. I don't have that.
I haven't cried for ages so perhaps I just needed a good cry? I don't know. But just right now even though I am taking the kids on their first holiday by ourselves I feel like shit. I then feel guilty because I feel like I shouldn't feel like this because really ever other part of my life is good. But there you go. I want someone in my life. I want someone who does all the things that A did. You know that list? I want that again.
I was just at the shops. Because it is school holidays there are all these families there and it just hurt so much because I don't have that. I want so much to settle down with someone who loves me and the kids. Who wants to be with me. And just everything that goes with that. I thought A was that. He told me he wanted that with me. And of course that turned to crap and what he said and what he really meant were two different things.
I want someone to miss me while i am gone. I want to receive the lovely txt messages while I am away saying I am thinking of you. All the things that A did. Until about 2 weeks before it ended. I am still grappling with what happened. We were so good when we were together. How can it all just turn to crap? I just can't stop thinking about him and it all.
To make matters worse I saw a lady that looked like my nana at the shops and I realised how much I miss her has well. Just to sit and talk to her. She would tell me everything was going to be ok.
It is the good thing about going away with Raina. Least she understands. No one else does here. So it is the whole pretend game happening. There is no point saying anything because people really have no clue how hard it is to be alone. To not have the one person in your life that is your life. Yes I probably sound pathetic but all those that are thinking that are probably the ones who have that person. Yes they may go away for work etc but least you know they love you and are there for you. I don't have that.
I haven't cried for ages so perhaps I just needed a good cry? I don't know. But just right now even though I am taking the kids on their first holiday by ourselves I feel like shit. I then feel guilty because I feel like I shouldn't feel like this because really ever other part of my life is good. But there you go. I want someone in my life. I want someone who does all the things that A did. You know that list? I want that again.
Sunday, 4 October 2009
Ploding along
Not much happening really. I am doing ok. I have my ups and downs.
Monday J took me to Goolwa and Pt Elliot for the day which was lovely. Brought way to many second hand books but oh well.
Tuesday I went to see District 9 with G. That was interesting, both the movie and G. He has so much crap happening that makes my life look simple lol.
Friday I finally caught up with Keri from work. (she works at another store now) That was really good. We gossiped about work. M is leaving work. He is the manager I just really really do not get along with. However, another girl is coming in who has a bit of a reputation, for sleeping around with the guys at work and for throwing her weight around. So not sure how it is going to go.
Got the kids back yesterday. They are about normal. Not to bad. Lachlan is his usual argumentative self. Today we had a breakthrough though. He went and accepted his 7 minute timeout without fuss. That was amazing. Normally he argues and it gets out of hand.
So that is about it really. I know A is not really doing much. He took offense at being called a shit on facebook. I didn't call him a shit just men in general. So that came out a bit. But I know from facebook he is not doing much. Just chatting to old army friends I think. So hopefully he is getting a bit bored without me around.
When I come back from Qld I will just go around there one day. See what happens. We are supposed to be friends. Both Keri and G think that he will come back at some point. I am not holding my breath.
Three more sleeps until Qld. I do not know how I am getting through the next few days. I have had to spend money on clothes and shoes for the kids so that is more money I am not taking away. But with the theme parks and the waterfalls in the national park I want to see I should get by fairly cheaply. (just have to make sure there is enough money for the cocktails hehehe)
Monday J took me to Goolwa and Pt Elliot for the day which was lovely. Brought way to many second hand books but oh well.
Tuesday I went to see District 9 with G. That was interesting, both the movie and G. He has so much crap happening that makes my life look simple lol.
Friday I finally caught up with Keri from work. (she works at another store now) That was really good. We gossiped about work. M is leaving work. He is the manager I just really really do not get along with. However, another girl is coming in who has a bit of a reputation, for sleeping around with the guys at work and for throwing her weight around. So not sure how it is going to go.
Got the kids back yesterday. They are about normal. Not to bad. Lachlan is his usual argumentative self. Today we had a breakthrough though. He went and accepted his 7 minute timeout without fuss. That was amazing. Normally he argues and it gets out of hand.
So that is about it really. I know A is not really doing much. He took offense at being called a shit on facebook. I didn't call him a shit just men in general. So that came out a bit. But I know from facebook he is not doing much. Just chatting to old army friends I think. So hopefully he is getting a bit bored without me around.
When I come back from Qld I will just go around there one day. See what happens. We are supposed to be friends. Both Keri and G think that he will come back at some point. I am not holding my breath.
Three more sleeps until Qld. I do not know how I am getting through the next few days. I have had to spend money on clothes and shoes for the kids so that is more money I am not taking away. But with the theme parks and the waterfalls in the national park I want to see I should get by fairly cheaply. (just have to make sure there is enough money for the cocktails hehehe)
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Feeling crappy
So I give up with A. I don't know if he txt me last week accidentally or what. I txt him last night to see if he wanted to go to the movies and no reply. I txt again today. Again no reply. So fine. He doesn't want me well he doesn't have me.
I am hurt, angry and upset. I hate feeling like this and do not know how I am going to trust what a guy says anymore. It will all turn to crap regardless. And yet I want to settle down with a nice man so much. I hate being alone.
My boys night was great. I did get very drunk. But didn't pass out or lose control. I did nothing that I wouldn't have done sober. Apart from maybe showing them a couple of photos of me that I had sent A. No nudity but there was cleavage. But probably wouldn't have shown them if sober.
It was a really good night though. To see these guys do sing star with disney songs was so funny. I didn't even know most of them but they did lol. They were good for my ego. Complimenting me etc. We ended up on the couch and J and I fell asleep. Which sucked for M because he had to go home lol. He got out the mattress for me to sleep on. Turned the heater on and lights out. Very sweet. The next morning I felt foul though. I ended up vomiting. Felt better after that. But that was a sign of how drunk I was. Not done that in years.
I also caught up with G Friday as well. I am seeing him Tuesday to go to the movies seeing how A isnt' going to. I feel like txting A back saying well don't worry about it I am going with someone else. But I won't.
I can't wait for Qld. To just be able to pretend that is all there is in the world. The people around me and the place I am in. I can't wait.
How is that for a quick update. I just feel foul. I feel worthless, used, and just generally crappy. So lucky this even got done really.
I am hurt, angry and upset. I hate feeling like this and do not know how I am going to trust what a guy says anymore. It will all turn to crap regardless. And yet I want to settle down with a nice man so much. I hate being alone.
My boys night was great. I did get very drunk. But didn't pass out or lose control. I did nothing that I wouldn't have done sober. Apart from maybe showing them a couple of photos of me that I had sent A. No nudity but there was cleavage. But probably wouldn't have shown them if sober.
It was a really good night though. To see these guys do sing star with disney songs was so funny. I didn't even know most of them but they did lol. They were good for my ego. Complimenting me etc. We ended up on the couch and J and I fell asleep. Which sucked for M because he had to go home lol. He got out the mattress for me to sleep on. Turned the heater on and lights out. Very sweet. The next morning I felt foul though. I ended up vomiting. Felt better after that. But that was a sign of how drunk I was. Not done that in years.
I also caught up with G Friday as well. I am seeing him Tuesday to go to the movies seeing how A isnt' going to. I feel like txting A back saying well don't worry about it I am going with someone else. But I won't.
I can't wait for Qld. To just be able to pretend that is all there is in the world. The people around me and the place I am in. I can't wait.
How is that for a quick update. I just feel foul. I feel worthless, used, and just generally crappy. So lucky this even got done really.
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
Bits and Pieces
So I am having a boys night! How funny is that? J from work is on holidays at the moment. Anyway we have organised for me to get totally drunk. He has never seen me drunk and also I said I have never been that drunk that I have lost control, passed out or forgotten what I did while drunk. So the challenge is on. Lol. The boys will lose.
I have mentioned that I am a bit pissed off with people at work and the gossip. If I was a guy, my friendship with J wouldn't matter but because I am female there is so much crap attached to it. I hate it. J and a couple of others have been great. A good distraction.
On the work front in regards to the promotion I have more information. I spoke to the manager today about other things and it came up about me. He said he spoke to the area manager today and I am on the shortlist. He also said that if I got it I would more than likely stay at the store I am at now!!! Area manager did say that I must realise though that I would have to move at some stage. But the store manager went into bat for me saying that yes she does but with her young kids etc etc. I said to store manager that I thought they didn't promote in store. He said that it has happened a couple of times. My suggestion was that I boss enough people around that no one would notice a difference. Store manager laughed and said yeah that is what he thought as well!!!
Out of no where A txt me today. "hey there hows things, finally in an area with reception, moving on to another small town now with no coverage, so I thought I'd say hi sweet. Take care and ill chat soon" Now there is nothing to read into calling me sweet as he calls many people that. That is just him. But the fact that he has contacted me is a big thing for me. It means that even if he does not want to be in a relationship he does at least want me in his life still. I like that idea.
So I am going to have the boys night Friday. I am going to a party with M (Adam's friend) on Saturday night. Monday I am having a girly day with Jane. Movies, window shopping or the like. I am supposed to be catching up with K and then also G at some point as well. So hopefully that will fill my week enough that I am not sitting around feeling sorry for myself to much.
Qld is coming up quick. I am going to have to start working out with the kids are taking in clothes and what clothes I need to buy them. I need some new shoes to take as well. I only have thongs for summer. I think I need more than that. Really can't wait to catch up with Raina again. It is going to be great.
I have mentioned that I am a bit pissed off with people at work and the gossip. If I was a guy, my friendship with J wouldn't matter but because I am female there is so much crap attached to it. I hate it. J and a couple of others have been great. A good distraction.
On the work front in regards to the promotion I have more information. I spoke to the manager today about other things and it came up about me. He said he spoke to the area manager today and I am on the shortlist. He also said that if I got it I would more than likely stay at the store I am at now!!! Area manager did say that I must realise though that I would have to move at some stage. But the store manager went into bat for me saying that yes she does but with her young kids etc etc. I said to store manager that I thought they didn't promote in store. He said that it has happened a couple of times. My suggestion was that I boss enough people around that no one would notice a difference. Store manager laughed and said yeah that is what he thought as well!!!
Out of no where A txt me today. "hey there hows things, finally in an area with reception, moving on to another small town now with no coverage, so I thought I'd say hi sweet. Take care and ill chat soon" Now there is nothing to read into calling me sweet as he calls many people that. That is just him. But the fact that he has contacted me is a big thing for me. It means that even if he does not want to be in a relationship he does at least want me in his life still. I like that idea.
So I am going to have the boys night Friday. I am going to a party with M (Adam's friend) on Saturday night. Monday I am having a girly day with Jane. Movies, window shopping or the like. I am supposed to be catching up with K and then also G at some point as well. So hopefully that will fill my week enough that I am not sitting around feeling sorry for myself to much.
Qld is coming up quick. I am going to have to start working out with the kids are taking in clothes and what clothes I need to buy them. I need some new shoes to take as well. I only have thongs for summer. I think I need more than that. Really can't wait to catch up with Raina again. It is going to be great.
Monday, 21 September 2009
Day of surprises
I am really sad. A is away so even if everything was ok he would still be away. But I don't get the txt or anything. But as I said to K at work today, I wasn't getting them anyway. So the choice was I shut up and not say anything and be unhappy in a relationship or I push for answers and the relationship ending. So I guess this is the better because realistically long term I don't want to be in a crappy relationship.
The jury is still out as to what is going on in his head. I could ring M and ask if she spoke to him but really what is the point. I will be speaking to her at some stage and I will find out then if he is ok. Or if it is all just crap and he just does not want to be with me. I am basically telling myself that is the case but my heart still is clinging desperately to the hope that maybe there. I hate that. I hate that I am making myself feel like this for the sake of a guy.
Jane an old friend of mine who I don't see very often (my fault as I feel she has her own family etc and I shouldn't impose) invited me over yesterday. She gave me a big hug when I got there and I just dissolved into tears. I told her what went on and before I could say it she said it sounded like he was depressed. But for once I was totally honest and didn't pretend I was fine. I told her how I just felt so alone and worthless. That it was really hard to be positive about yourself when surrounded by the negative of rejection all the time. It is really hard for someone else to understand. Especially someone who has never experienced it and is happily married. But it was nice to say it to someone sitting in front of me and now she knows.
We are catching up next week. Having a girly day. Which is so nice of her to arrange. We are seeing a movie or window shopping or something but she arranged to be kid free and do something. I was just happy going to her place and talking again.
The other thing was guys from work. I txt J today one of the trainee managers. He is on holidays and when he comes back I am on holidays so I txt him about something to do with work and it just went from there. We ended up txting all day. He and I have always gotten on well together. Just able to talk and verbally spar a lot. We make each other laugh. He is only a young guy but we just get on well together. Anyway we are catching up next week, with another guy from work. I said to J that he had made me laugh and feel a bit better and thanked him. He responded with that is what he was there for and I could come over anytime and cry watching chick flicks and drink his beer. I was so shocked at that. lol of course this will fuel the rumours even more at work. We both get a bit of ribbing at work now saying we have the hots for one another. It pisses me off a bit as it is not like that and never ever will be. But people can't see passed that. Especially when a couple of them don't actually like J.
Another surprised I had was Mel from Osch said we should get together for a drink or go for a walk or something next week. She and I have always chatted a bit and we have similar backgrounds but me being me never made it anything other than her just looking after my kids and her son being friends with mine despite the fact that they go to different schools. So I guess she thinks that we could be friends as well and the fact I am getting another friend is really good.
So although originally excited about my holidays off because it meant more time with A they then loomed up with a week of me being at home with nothing to do but watch chick flicks and me crying. So now I have my day with Jane, my night with the boys, I am catching up with G at some point, I am also getting together with K, who I used to work with and now catching up with Mel. I am hoping that I will catch up with M as well, then I will get the goss on A as well.
I am hoping that all of that will help to keep my mind off A and from over thinking everything. I can't wait for Qld so I can catch up properly with Raina. I am looking forward to lazy days. Of course we are doing the theme parks but the kids are going to have to take those days and accept lazy days as well. I do not have a huge amount of spending money for this trip and also I want the lazy days to sit and chat with Raina. Bring it all on.
Fingers crossed this week I find out about the trainee manager position as well.
I only cried twice typing this out.
The jury is still out as to what is going on in his head. I could ring M and ask if she spoke to him but really what is the point. I will be speaking to her at some stage and I will find out then if he is ok. Or if it is all just crap and he just does not want to be with me. I am basically telling myself that is the case but my heart still is clinging desperately to the hope that maybe there. I hate that. I hate that I am making myself feel like this for the sake of a guy.
Jane an old friend of mine who I don't see very often (my fault as I feel she has her own family etc and I shouldn't impose) invited me over yesterday. She gave me a big hug when I got there and I just dissolved into tears. I told her what went on and before I could say it she said it sounded like he was depressed. But for once I was totally honest and didn't pretend I was fine. I told her how I just felt so alone and worthless. That it was really hard to be positive about yourself when surrounded by the negative of rejection all the time. It is really hard for someone else to understand. Especially someone who has never experienced it and is happily married. But it was nice to say it to someone sitting in front of me and now she knows.
We are catching up next week. Having a girly day. Which is so nice of her to arrange. We are seeing a movie or window shopping or something but she arranged to be kid free and do something. I was just happy going to her place and talking again.
The other thing was guys from work. I txt J today one of the trainee managers. He is on holidays and when he comes back I am on holidays so I txt him about something to do with work and it just went from there. We ended up txting all day. He and I have always gotten on well together. Just able to talk and verbally spar a lot. We make each other laugh. He is only a young guy but we just get on well together. Anyway we are catching up next week, with another guy from work. I said to J that he had made me laugh and feel a bit better and thanked him. He responded with that is what he was there for and I could come over anytime and cry watching chick flicks and drink his beer. I was so shocked at that. lol of course this will fuel the rumours even more at work. We both get a bit of ribbing at work now saying we have the hots for one another. It pisses me off a bit as it is not like that and never ever will be. But people can't see passed that. Especially when a couple of them don't actually like J.
Another surprised I had was Mel from Osch said we should get together for a drink or go for a walk or something next week. She and I have always chatted a bit and we have similar backgrounds but me being me never made it anything other than her just looking after my kids and her son being friends with mine despite the fact that they go to different schools. So I guess she thinks that we could be friends as well and the fact I am getting another friend is really good.
So although originally excited about my holidays off because it meant more time with A they then loomed up with a week of me being at home with nothing to do but watch chick flicks and me crying. So now I have my day with Jane, my night with the boys, I am catching up with G at some point, I am also getting together with K, who I used to work with and now catching up with Mel. I am hoping that I will catch up with M as well, then I will get the goss on A as well.
I am hoping that all of that will help to keep my mind off A and from over thinking everything. I can't wait for Qld so I can catch up properly with Raina. I am looking forward to lazy days. Of course we are doing the theme parks but the kids are going to have to take those days and accept lazy days as well. I do not have a huge amount of spending money for this trip and also I want the lazy days to sit and chat with Raina. Bring it all on.
Fingers crossed this week I find out about the trainee manager position as well.
I only cried twice typing this out.
Saturday, 19 September 2009
why....
Why does it just feel like I am not good enough. Even if what A has said is true, why aren't I good enough for him to say Hang in there for me. I want you here for the bad stuff I am going through as well as the good.
Fuck this all just sucks and is not fair. Why do men do this? Lets face it.... he doesn't want a relationship with me. If he did he would have one regardless. Hey I have read he is just not that into you.
But in the mean time I am hurting. I want to settle down with a guy and I honestly thought he was the one. He did want to at the start. How on earth can people say it is the guy not you when this keeps happening to me? Doesn't anyone see that? How can I believe in myself when every relationship I have had ends like this? Negative is all I have known and I have glimpses of good stuff only to have it snatched from me. As if to say... this is what the good people get. You can't have it though. You just get the crap.
How on earth am I to believe anything else?
Fuck this all just sucks and is not fair. Why do men do this? Lets face it.... he doesn't want a relationship with me. If he did he would have one regardless. Hey I have read he is just not that into you.
But in the mean time I am hurting. I want to settle down with a guy and I honestly thought he was the one. He did want to at the start. How on earth can people say it is the guy not you when this keeps happening to me? Doesn't anyone see that? How can I believe in myself when every relationship I have had ends like this? Negative is all I have known and I have glimpses of good stuff only to have it snatched from me. As if to say... this is what the good people get. You can't have it though. You just get the crap.
How on earth am I to believe anything else?
Work
So why is it that one part of my life is going to crap and another goes well?
I have been put up for promotion. I am on the list for trainee manager. The store manager has put my name up for it. Of course there are other people from other stores up for it as well. The store manager seems pretty convinced though I am up there to get it. He has been getting me learning everything, including payroll and the morning works. He came up to me the other morning and asked me if I wanted to play manager for the morning. On the other hand though he said he didn't want me to get promoted because that means I leave the store!!
Mid Oct there are heaps of changes happening amongst the store. The store managers are not moving but the service and perhaps the trainee managers will all be moving around. Just to give you an idea we have one store manager, one service manager, one stock manager and two trainee managers. Of course I am away during that time on holidays. I will be calling work believe me to find out what the hell is happening.
If I get the position it does mean I move stores. I will hate that. I also don't know which store I will move to. Noarlunga is the closest to me and that is 20 minutes away. Marion is the next one which would be a further 20 minutes away. Of course it also means I work all hours. I would do a six day week one week. I would do open and closes and work weekends. But having said that I would get paid more.
Having said all that I am not that fussed if I don't get it because I am happy with what I am doing and where I am doing it.
I spoke to K about it. She used to work at Noarlunga and then took a trainee position to Marion last year. She doesn't regret it and says go for it. But I won't if it is further away than Marion. I can't do that to the kids. It wouldn't be fair.
I have been put up for promotion. I am on the list for trainee manager. The store manager has put my name up for it. Of course there are other people from other stores up for it as well. The store manager seems pretty convinced though I am up there to get it. He has been getting me learning everything, including payroll and the morning works. He came up to me the other morning and asked me if I wanted to play manager for the morning. On the other hand though he said he didn't want me to get promoted because that means I leave the store!!
Mid Oct there are heaps of changes happening amongst the store. The store managers are not moving but the service and perhaps the trainee managers will all be moving around. Just to give you an idea we have one store manager, one service manager, one stock manager and two trainee managers. Of course I am away during that time on holidays. I will be calling work believe me to find out what the hell is happening.
If I get the position it does mean I move stores. I will hate that. I also don't know which store I will move to. Noarlunga is the closest to me and that is 20 minutes away. Marion is the next one which would be a further 20 minutes away. Of course it also means I work all hours. I would do a six day week one week. I would do open and closes and work weekends. But having said that I would get paid more.
Having said all that I am not that fussed if I don't get it because I am happy with what I am doing and where I am doing it.
I spoke to K about it. She used to work at Noarlunga and then took a trainee position to Marion last year. She doesn't regret it and says go for it. But I won't if it is further away than Marion. I can't do that to the kids. It wouldn't be fair.
the story
If I don't do this now I never will. Prepare for a long one. After it all hit the fan last time with it all being fine and all. We had a great weekend. We all. S, M, A and I all went out to Anthems. It was a good night. We didn't get home until 4am. A and I slept until 4pm. We finally got up and had some breakfast lol. We went to the movies Saturday night and saw the Ugly Truth. It was an ok movie. It was funny. When then went for a drive around and ended up in a Hungry Jacks at 1am and sat and talked for an hour. We got back to my place and went to bed about 2.30am. The Sunday was spent sleeping and then dozing in front of the tv. Mum and dad came home and we were supposed to go and see them but A was feeling ill again and he ended up going home.
I then heard nothing again, during the week. I finally spoke to him Thursday and he assured me all was fine. And that I would look into getting a room somewhere for a night away. He mentioned that he may be going to Melbourne for the weekend to see the football. I then heard nothing until Sunday. I tried to get in contact but nothing. He txt me on the Sunday night and said he had needed some space and we didn't need to be in each others pockets. I agreed with him and he was ok with it until I said I needed to say some stuff but wanted to do it in person. So we made arrangements to catch up.
I went around there Monday night. We talked about the fact that he felt that I wanted to spend every minute with him. (which I did because I liked him) and that he needed space. I told him that I needed to hear from him and hated that he couldn't even txt me and say hey babe thinking of you or the like. So I felt we had sorted stuff out and we had a good time mucking around and stuff. This was just the Monday gone.
Then nothing. I txt him Tuesday and nothing. I had my stupid allergic reaction thing on Thursday night and I txt him. I also tried ringing. I then emailed him when I got home. I said that basically I was sick of this shit. I needed to know what was going on. I didn't understand what was happening. Whether he was just giving up. He was non communicative and distant but when we were together we were fine. I needed him to tell me the truth and not be crappy. I wanted to know because if he didn't want to be with me then I didn't want to waste his time or mine.
So 3am I get a txt. He had just gotten home. He told me that he couldn't be bothered doing anything or wanted to be with anyone. He didn't know what was wrong with him and that he didn't want to be in a relationship. He didn't know what he wanted.
I txt him during the day saying i didn't like his decision but I would respect it. (a long version of that) Of course there was no response.
When I got home he had been there to drop off a dish that I had taken to his house and a cd. He had collected his DVD's. He didn't leave the key though.
I went to M's that afternoon. I told her what had been going on.How he had been. How even S his house mate had noticed a change in him. She said it sounded like he was depressed. I would have to agree with her. I stayed at her place for a while. It was good. It was nice to talk to someone who has been through similar things to me. She is a lot stronger than I am. Emotionally. She is ok with being single and is happy to stay that way to avoid that crap that goes with being in a relationship. I wish I could be like that.
Anyway at about 10pm I went to A's house. Not knowing what to expect when I got there. He was basically out of it. Asleep on the couch. He woke up a little when I got there and then went back to sleep. I just sat and watched You've Got Mail which was on. He woke up and we just talked a little. Just about nothing that mattered. I ended up staying the night. No cuddles in the night but then he was pretty out of it. He was knackered.
In the morning we ended up talking. After of course having a some fun. He really isn't happy. He doesn't want to be with anyone. Assures me that there is no one else. I told him that he had hurt me. We are still friends. I still have my cinema partner. I of course cried on and off. I told him that when we first met he told me he wanted someone who wasn't picky, that didn't go on looks alone and want to be with someone because they were a good person. He remembered that. I said to him that did he realise he found that with me. He agreed.
When we finally got out of bed, I had to go. He hugged me a lot and said that I knew where he was. I could still come around. When we went outside he put his arms around me. We talked a little more. I said to him that I thought I had found the one with him. His response was to pull me tighter and say that we didn't know what was going to happen. I also told him that he knew didn't he, that he would never find anyone as good as I am. He laughed and said 100% sure of that. "no 110% right" he wouldn't.
So here I am sitting at home back to watching DVD's alone again. I spoke to M again and told her what was going on. She is convinced he is suffering depression. She told me last night that 3 years ago he went through a similar thing just before he ended up in hospital due to high blood pressure. She is going to talk to him. As I said to him. Even if we aren't together I don't want to see him like this.
I of course still don't know if he is just saying all this to not hurt my feelings or he really is just not wanting to be with anyone. I spoke to S and he has noticed a difference in A as well. So perhaps it is as A says it isn't just me it is all his friends he has no desire to be with. He said he was glad he had work because that is all he wanted to do.
My plan? Just step right back. But be in his life. I hope that M and I become good friends because I need that.
I nearly didn't write all this out but decided to for the simple fact I want to look back on this and remember it. I don't know why. But I do.
I am sick of having my heart broken. I hate having to start all over again. It feels different to when I split with D. I don't know how. Or even how to explain it but it does feel different.
I then heard nothing again, during the week. I finally spoke to him Thursday and he assured me all was fine. And that I would look into getting a room somewhere for a night away. He mentioned that he may be going to Melbourne for the weekend to see the football. I then heard nothing until Sunday. I tried to get in contact but nothing. He txt me on the Sunday night and said he had needed some space and we didn't need to be in each others pockets. I agreed with him and he was ok with it until I said I needed to say some stuff but wanted to do it in person. So we made arrangements to catch up.
I went around there Monday night. We talked about the fact that he felt that I wanted to spend every minute with him. (which I did because I liked him) and that he needed space. I told him that I needed to hear from him and hated that he couldn't even txt me and say hey babe thinking of you or the like. So I felt we had sorted stuff out and we had a good time mucking around and stuff. This was just the Monday gone.
Then nothing. I txt him Tuesday and nothing. I had my stupid allergic reaction thing on Thursday night and I txt him. I also tried ringing. I then emailed him when I got home. I said that basically I was sick of this shit. I needed to know what was going on. I didn't understand what was happening. Whether he was just giving up. He was non communicative and distant but when we were together we were fine. I needed him to tell me the truth and not be crappy. I wanted to know because if he didn't want to be with me then I didn't want to waste his time or mine.
So 3am I get a txt. He had just gotten home. He told me that he couldn't be bothered doing anything or wanted to be with anyone. He didn't know what was wrong with him and that he didn't want to be in a relationship. He didn't know what he wanted.
I txt him during the day saying i didn't like his decision but I would respect it. (a long version of that) Of course there was no response.
When I got home he had been there to drop off a dish that I had taken to his house and a cd. He had collected his DVD's. He didn't leave the key though.
I went to M's that afternoon. I told her what had been going on.How he had been. How even S his house mate had noticed a change in him. She said it sounded like he was depressed. I would have to agree with her. I stayed at her place for a while. It was good. It was nice to talk to someone who has been through similar things to me. She is a lot stronger than I am. Emotionally. She is ok with being single and is happy to stay that way to avoid that crap that goes with being in a relationship. I wish I could be like that.
Anyway at about 10pm I went to A's house. Not knowing what to expect when I got there. He was basically out of it. Asleep on the couch. He woke up a little when I got there and then went back to sleep. I just sat and watched You've Got Mail which was on. He woke up and we just talked a little. Just about nothing that mattered. I ended up staying the night. No cuddles in the night but then he was pretty out of it. He was knackered.
In the morning we ended up talking. After of course having a some fun. He really isn't happy. He doesn't want to be with anyone. Assures me that there is no one else. I told him that he had hurt me. We are still friends. I still have my cinema partner. I of course cried on and off. I told him that when we first met he told me he wanted someone who wasn't picky, that didn't go on looks alone and want to be with someone because they were a good person. He remembered that. I said to him that did he realise he found that with me. He agreed.
When we finally got out of bed, I had to go. He hugged me a lot and said that I knew where he was. I could still come around. When we went outside he put his arms around me. We talked a little more. I said to him that I thought I had found the one with him. His response was to pull me tighter and say that we didn't know what was going to happen. I also told him that he knew didn't he, that he would never find anyone as good as I am. He laughed and said 100% sure of that. "no 110% right" he wouldn't.
So here I am sitting at home back to watching DVD's alone again. I spoke to M again and told her what was going on. She is convinced he is suffering depression. She told me last night that 3 years ago he went through a similar thing just before he ended up in hospital due to high blood pressure. She is going to talk to him. As I said to him. Even if we aren't together I don't want to see him like this.
I of course still don't know if he is just saying all this to not hurt my feelings or he really is just not wanting to be with anyone. I spoke to S and he has noticed a difference in A as well. So perhaps it is as A says it isn't just me it is all his friends he has no desire to be with. He said he was glad he had work because that is all he wanted to do.
My plan? Just step right back. But be in his life. I hope that M and I become good friends because I need that.
I nearly didn't write all this out but decided to for the simple fact I want to look back on this and remember it. I don't know why. But I do.
I am sick of having my heart broken. I hate having to start all over again. It feels different to when I split with D. I don't know how. Or even how to explain it but it does feel different.
Thursday, 17 September 2009
Well yet again.....
it has all turned to crap. I can't be bothered going into it. Nothing has been said so I don't really know but I guess that is the point...nothing has been said. Bit hard to when he won't even communicate with me when we are not together.
SO over the uncertainty of it all and am basically saying it is done. It shouldn't be this hard.
SO over the uncertainty of it all and am basically saying it is done. It shouldn't be this hard.
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