weighting game

So yesterday G kindly pointed out during my PT session that I had put on weight! Yes I know but I really didn't need him to point it out to me. Ok well perhaps I did. We had a conversation about it over the time I was there. It was done in dribs and drabs. I think he was trying to be nice when he actually wanted to grab me and shake some sense into me.

He pointed out to me all the reasons I wanted to lose weight, ie the cops. He asked me why have I put on weight. Food. He then lectured me about sensible eating and how it isn't about will power. Which I know it isn't. About how I will always have stress in my life. Yes I may like the food but I am going to have to stop eating like I am. If there is something i want to achieve then I should set my mind to it and achieve it. Why is it easier for some people to do that and not others? So my plan this week is to have a week of sensible eating. It did really shake me up.

Dropped the kids at school. Matt picks them up after school and has them for a week. Can't say that the kids were overly excited. I feel sorry for them. They should enjoy the time with their dad but they don't.

So needless to say yet again I am not feeling the best. A week of not spending time with people is sucky. Yes mum and dad are here but they are my parents and they like everyone else have a life. So although I will spend some time with them, ultimately another lonely week is coming up and I am not looking forward to it.

The good, the bad and the just plain annoying

Omg what a week. Monday started off with the RTT. The woman in the house spun a big sob story and the RTT fell for it. Under the Act they can extend the lease for 90 days if the tenant can show hardship. So she has until 11.59pm 23/12/07. The was my worst case so not to surprised. Pays to read the act that is for sure. Least I had the heads up on it. Her 19 is apparently pregnant. As we came out she went off at us saying it will be our fault if she miscarries! Sure love what ever you say. The drugs you take will have nothing to do with it.

So then after the RTT it was off for the pscyh test with police recruiting. That was fairly easy. 2 tests. One just consisting of 20 questions along the lines of I often think of ways to kill myself, I never drink drive, I use illegal drugs. False, somewhat true, true, etc etc.The next one was full of questions aimed at deciding if you are a loner, work well with others blah blah. If I was looking at mine I would say I was practical, follow the rules and very moral, love being around people and don't bottle up my emotions!! Lets hope that is clearly seen in the test.

Then Tuesday I got to do a house inspection. Now this house i have inspected before. The couple have 6 kids. Their house is trashed. I not saying that is because they have 6 kids. (that would mean to me that it would be easier to keep clean as the 17 year olds etc could help) So we went back yesterday to check they had cleaned up. There are other issues here but long story. Because of their house etc we are terminating their membership within the co-op as well. Anywho.... they wouldn't let us in and there was a big to do in the drive way. She had her dad there who totally went off at me. IT was on for young and old. Proud to say that I was just calm and tried to sort it out. But like the woman in my house they refuse to see certain facts and nothing you say will make them change their view point.

To make matters worse it turns out that the process that was done to terminate their membership was not done correctly. Great just great so guess who now has to tidy it all up and fix it?? yep me. Oh well it is all good stuff to use in the police interview if I get that far.

Later that day I got a call from police recruiting. I am to come in next week for a interview with the psych. Apparently this is normal for people who get asked to do the psych test first. I guess it all related to the Matt crap and the violence. Time will tell I guess. It is next week.

Tonight we had grading for taekwondo. Oh boy was I nervous this time and I don't even know why. No different from the other two gradings. The guy grading me was very impressed so that was good. Next step blue belt. I really want to get that this term as after that I will probably have to slow down a bit if I get into the police. So get while the going is good basically. Laura and Patrick both passed as well. Mum and dad came and poor Lachlan fell asleep. Mind you it was the quietest he has ever been there!!!

Ahhh lets see what the rest of the week holds.

Prowler the cat who sleeps anywhere

are we all just in the same boat?

I was talking to someone last night and much of what she said seem to apply to me as well. Are all women looking for the romance and idyllic life of a princess? Thing is though that is not reality is it? Right now I would settle for a cuddle on the couch while we watch a DVD together. I am sure I could have had that with M. Does that mean I don't know what I want? Does that mean my expectations ultimately are to high?

In all reality I don't think I am that much different from anyone else. When I was with shit for brains I honestly didn't know any better. In a way I guess I did but not really. We got together young. I have never experienced what it is like to be with someone who truly loves you. I know there are couples out there and they have found that they are exact matches. They are not settling for each other. They are complete with each other. So that goes to show that it does happen. But does it or can it happen for everyone? Why do some of us get picked and others don't get picked for that life? Do we singletons get to a point where we go well I am getting up in years I am just going to have to settle now? Or do you hang out for the hope of prince charming.

Yeah I know Prince Charming..... but i am sure that these couples who have "that" relationship think of each other like that. Look don't get me wrong I know if I was in a "perfect" relationship it wouldn't be perfect. There will always be differences. But those differences that turn into arguments are normal. And afterwards after the fight has finished and differences resolved the respect is still there, the love is still there because when all said and done it was just an argument about why the hell can't he put the clothes in the washing basket instead of the floor.

Over the last few months I had hope. (last couple of years actually) Hope that men could offer a girl that. The happy ever after. That one man had all the answers, that he could make me feel loved, that we could talk about anything, that we could fight but still be ok and generally just be there for each other. To hold me and tell me that yeah sometimes life is hard but I am there for you and will always be there for you. So that I could enjoy my alone time because I knew that this wonderful man would always be there. My best friend.

Then the hope is gone. I find out that words are not always what they seem. That despite assurances the words are true, the actions are not there to confirm. The arms aren't there to hold me, there is no spending time together, no just mucking around and being friends. The hope has turned into a dream and dreams as you all know rarely come true.

I have an immense sadness lately. Not depressed but just sadness. I don't know how to deal with that.

I have been told that I have to love myself for others to love me. But I think that is crap. I can love myself to death. I can enjoy my own company, I can think I am the most attractive person in the world. Well that is all well and good but who gives a shit if people don't agree. And please don't say it doesn't matter what they think. Because it does matter. Of course it matters. I am a people person but for some reason I don't seem to have that many people in my life. Especially that ever elusive gentleman who loves me to bits and wants to spend eternity with me.

I don't think it is wrong to have hopes and dreams. What else is there if we don't have those. But how easily those are abused. How easily someone without thought other than to their own gain can just take that hope away.

Matt once said to me that I was the most trusting, see the good in everyone, happy go lucky person that he ever knew. Guess what were the first things to fade to the background. And just went they start to come to the front again someone else pushes them to the back again.

My life seems to be one big game of catch up. I will keep trying. I haven't given up yet I am not about to start now, but sometimes it just wears you down to the point it is hard to get the momentum going again. I guess that is where I am now.

God I wish I could do taekwondo every day. The one thing at the moment that I really enjoy. Yes I enjoy my kids but taekwondo doesn't answer me back!!Yes that came out of left field but I am always cheered when I do taekwondo.

Bit of a bright spot

Whenever we get home from somewhere the kids all pile out of the car and fight over who is going to be first through the door after I unlock it. I hate it. They push and shove and drive me insane with it.

I was a bit slower coming to the door this time and as I was walking towards the door and the kids, watching them push and shove and fight, I loudly said omg watch out for that spider! Lol I then walked straight to the door laughing as the kids scattered across the front lawn and away from the door. Guess it will be a while before i can use that one again!!

whoa she's gonna big a big one

Thank you girls for your comments! You know the wwoz girls are always there for each other. God how we would all benefit if we did live closer together. The love, support and encouragement would be more than it is now and right now it is pretty damn big.

Today I have had the morning from hell with Lachlan. Honestly I don't know what to do anymore. I have tried everything. Every time I say no to him he loses it and just gets worse and worse the more he doesn't get what he wants. This morning I established after talking to the other kids that Matt gives into him when Lachlan gets worse. Having said that of course I got them back from their dad yesterday. Lachlan played up at taekwondo and I put a punishment in place and it just spiraled from there and continued until he went to school. He is supposed to have swimming lessons tonight and I have asked mum and dad to pick him up from the pool so he can't swim. I know that if he stays with me while the other two have their lessons he will go off his nut and I just don't have the strength to deal with it, especially in public. This morning he was throwing things, calling me names, kicking the seat in the car and screaming. All because I told him no he wasn't watching tv or playing the PS2.

Patrick was ok at Matt's. Apparently Matt was very grumpy and barely said two words to Patrick. Which Patrick was very happy with. Patrick also saw the counsellor or whatever she is. He told her what happened the other weekend and she said she would act on it. Matt went into the room after Patrick and he heard him laugh. He said it was his fake laugh. Poor Patrick, I can just picture Matt. This woman would have said something about the violence and Matt would have just laughed that stupid fake laugh of his and told her Patrick was lying.

It is such an uphill battle. I am trying to teach the kids there is a way to behave that is right and Matt is teaching them the opposite by his behaviour. I feel like I am taking one step forward and twenty back.

Saw G on Tuesday. I told him about M. He was quite pleased actually that I made that decision. He knows me well enough to know how much I crave someone to just want me and love me. So for me to turn it down and not settle surprised him I think. But he told me he was glad I did it if I wasn't happy so that was nice.

Heard from the police yesterday. I am going in for a psych assessment in a couple of weeks. After the initial freak out I am fine with it now. Of course on the day I will be bad but until then no biggy. It is just the start of a long process. I know that there it can go both ways. I just hope it goes the way I want it too.

Se generally? I feel like crap, still can't get my head around anything. SO far behind on my study and want to drop the subject but I can't. I need to lose weight and am struggling with that as well. You would think that the police would be motivation enough but it isn't.

J is still in my life. At a very long arm's distance. I don't want to get hurt but I can't let go either. I don't understand why he wants to keep himself in my life but I guess he still does. I am on RSVP but well that is so full of men throwing themselves at me....not. Last night a guy started chatting to me. Now that would have cost him. He asked for the password for my photo. I gave it to him. Then nothing. When I am trying to recover from many forms of rejection, crap like that is not good.

Have I said about my house? We go to the RTT on Monday. She has put in an application saying basically don't throw us out on the street. Honestly this woman has no clue. She is a law student as well. She is also about 10 years older than I am but really I feel like I am the older one. For someone who is studying law she really should have a better idea. I mean you don't send a letter to the co-op but addressed to me, saying we are breaching provisions in the Act if you can't actually back that up!! We were not breaching the Act. I wouldn't have instigated all this if I thought we were doing something illegal!! It is a joke really. Her lease expired on the 2nd Sept, she is still there. Here is an example of her fine legal skills and her grasp on the English language. (Ok I am not the best either but this is a legal document)

Order or determination sought from RTT:
"not let them send us out on the street. Reinstate our tenancy as we have nowhere to go we will be homeless, have looked but no luck"

Then:
Grounds of application:

"when we first moved into the premises we were under the impression we could stay as long as we wanted now we have nowhere to go."

I can only hope the person making the decisions doesn't go for it and she is booted. My view of all things legal has been tainted a bit of late.

I should point out that the reason why this woman is getting the boot is because she was a tenant in a housing co-op, working towards membership. Rent in a co-op is determined by your income. You have to declare your income and then your rent is decided upon that income.(usually about 25% of your income). She failed to declare all income and as such got a cheaper rent. She was given a probation period but blew that as well and to my knowledge is still not declaring all the income. This has been going on since May!

Grading for taekwondo is next week. I am looking forward to it but not looking forward to it. I get nervous and stuff up. It is hard to remember everything. I am still blown away by how much I enjoy it. I would do it every day if I could. Really hoping that I can get my blue belt by the end of the year. Not sure though as it is a big jump in what you have to know from yellow to blue. But I will give it a good go. Practicing at home as certainly helped with the forms and step exercises.

Back to my gym today. I still have my cold but I am doing my weights rather than cardio so I should be ok. I need to start going back. I am letting all the bad things rule and I need to stop but it is hard.

Haven't done a war and peace effort in a while so enjoy lol.

are we back to the start?

Crappy crappy day and the night is shaping up to be not much better honestly. Called it off with M. I just wasn't that into him. I don't know. Lol see I still just don't know. If I have to think that hard I don't think it should be. He was a nice guy and very into me but I wasn't that into him. Many things that I can't be bothered going into now.

So here I sit once again alone, worrying about my kids, wishing I just had someone here to hold me and tell me it is going to be ok. Why can't just one piece of my life be ok. If i get one piece ok then the rest doesn't seem as bad but when it is all shit it is really hard not to be depressed about it all and just cry.

Again I just ask why does it all have to be so hard? I can't seem to get my head around anything at the moment. Study, housework, weight loss. Anything.

WHEN DOES IT ALL FUCKING CHANGE? WHEN DOES IT GET BETTER? WHEN DO I GET THE STUFF THAT EVERYONE TELLS ME I DESERVE?

when do I finally stop the feeling that I have got what I deserve?

The final outcome (I said outcome not countdown)

Nothing! A big fat nothing to be done. My lawyer said there is not enough for anything to be done. He has seen it to many times and it would be a losing battle. He said to put it in Patrick's hands and get him to tell teachers etc when stuff happens.

Lawyer said that it is to easy for it to be said that I just put words in his mouth, so I have given Patrick the child abuse report line. It will have more weight coming from him anyway.

I also found out today that child protection are inviting Matt to come in and discuss his behavior!! It is only and invitation and Matt does not have to do it! Big help that will be.

Oh and I spoke to J today. God it was good. We are so good together. But also know that nothing has changed. He knows about M. He isn't happy about it but not prepared to do anything about it. It was good to talk and I let out a lot of stuff about what is happening with Matt and had a good cry. Everyone else has had the "oh yeah it is awful but I will just deal with it as I can. We will just hang in there!" With J I don't have to do that and it was nice to be able to talk to him and get it out.

Must say M has been good though. Although I don't have that relationship with him yet, he knows what is going on and has been quite supportive.

anyone know a good hit man?

Ok so after having a few days to think about it, common sense has prevailed. As much as I want to I will not be keeping Patrick home. Basically what it comes down to is I will get into heaps of trouble, Matt may end up with more time with them and I am back to square one if not less than that.

I am waiting for my lawyer to call me back but he did speak to dad and it doesn't look good. There still isn't enough to vary the order. I don't understand this, I really don't. Isn't the fact that my child is scared to go back to his dad. That is just doesn't not want to be hurt again. Isn't that enough for a court to say hey there must be something going on here? Apparently not. The police, the courts and child protection need broken bones, bruising etc before they can act. Or witness's. I have not said a word about it to Patrick but he has heard the cops tell me, he has heard what the lawyers have said. It would not surprise me if he starts bruising himself so that he can use that. And frankly who can blame him.

Matt for some reason unbeknownst to anyone other than himself has had Patrick seeing a counsellor after the txt incident. I don't have a problem with this but call me a cynic but I just really wonder what his motive is for this. There has to be one. Anyway, I have told Patrick to tell this woman everything, not to lie, as he doesn't need to but anything he wants changed then tell her. I told him that if he told her about Dad hurting him she would have to report it. I really don't want him to lie. My big thing through all of this is that the truth will prevail. Matt is such a lying prick that we are not going to be like that. But to a 10 year old it may seem like an easy out. Mind you if that did happen you then have to ask yourself why is a 10 year old prepared to make up stuff to get out of that situation!! Bottom line is that Patrick does not want to be with Matt. Lets respect that and deal with it.

I will keep you updated. Right now I am not in a good place as I am finding it very difficult to send Patrick back to a place where this is a chance he is going to get hurt. He was devastated when I told him that he had to go back. I only hope that he knows I am trying my best to get this sorted for him.

I hate......

I wish my ex husband would die. Honestly if he got murdered tomorrow I would be the prime suspect as I want him out of my life, I want him out of my kids life. I hate him. I have never hated anyone until I left him. And I hate that as well.

Sunday he hurt Patrick.... again.... I am so sick of this. So is Patrick. He physically hurt Patrick and took his phone away so he couldn't call for help. We went down to the police station after school yesterday to report it but as there were no marks, (nothing new there, there never was with me either) and no witness's there is basically nothing to be done. They are sending a couple of detective's around to talk to him but I don't think he will be admitting it anytime soon.

So Patrick will not be going back to the Matt's. It is going against the order but if Matt doesn't like it well he can take it back to court. The other two kids will still be going back as they "sort of" still want to. While there is still a desire to go they will.

Matt also left a letter in my letter box yesterday which I can only assume is in response to my school letter that I typed up and was very polite and nice. This one was 6 pages of crap. Harping on about how bad I am, how I am to blame for everything blah blah, how he would never hurt his kids and how they want to be with him and he only wants whats best for them.

The worst part of all this is that it is my fault. Matt used to lock Lachlan in the car when he was about 1.5yrs old at night because he wouldn't stop crying sometimes. I am talking in the middle of the night 2am ish. He would then climb back into bed with Lachlan out in the car. I used to have to wake Matt back up to pester him to get him out of the car. I never did anything. I got told later that if i had called the police they would have removed Matt or the kids and things certainly would be different now. So why didn't I do anything? Because I was scared. I was scared about what Matt would do to me. How selfish is that? And now look. If only I had done something.

why?????

Why am I sitting here feeling like total crap. I am in tears actually and I don't even know why. I miss J, and I am so stupid for that. Probably more so I miss what i had with J. It's not like i can just ring up M and say hey I am feeling like crap please cheer me up. Which is what would happen if J and I were still in contact.

I guess I am just struggling at the moment. I have no money and bills coming at me left right and centre. I am having so much trouble with Lachlan that I don't know what to do. That woman won't get out of my house. She was supposed to move out last Sunday and hasn't. We have lodged a from 7 with the RTT but won't be heard probably until the 17th and who knows how much time they will give her.

I can't seem to lose this weight. Yes I know I need to change my eating habits but I am finding it so hard. So that of course is just frustrating me even more.

I still don't know how I feel about M. I like him but I don't know. Of course I could just be being silly and I have only seen him twice so how am I expected to know how I feel? I just wish there was a rule book.

I guess today is just a bad day. Kids have gone to school and will be off to Matt's tonight. I am feeling alone. My house needs to be tidied and I so can't be bothered.

lol how quick things turn around. M just rang me. We were just having a chat about nothing much. We are going to the movies tomorrow night. Geez I swing so much about him. Getting off the phone now and I think yeah I do like him. But give me another hour or so and I will be like I don't know. I think it is just because I want what i had with J. But I need to remember that it didn't start off like that with J. In fact this is really completely different as least this guy has met me now and wants to keep meeting me!

Ok I really better clean my toilet and bathroom, oh joy lol. I am feeling better than I was when I started this post. See aren't you glad he rang while I was writing this? So I guess that does say something about him.

the fantastic role model called Matt

I have just had my youngest son, and not for the first time, tell me how fat, ugly and horrible I am. I am an idiot, greedy and selfish. All because I asked him to put his shoes on at taekwondo. He didn't want to so I said find and started walking to the car. He let rip. I told him that he will not be staying with Nana and Baba while he continues to behave like that. He burst forth with more abuse. Honestly I could have been listening to Matt.

I really really do not know what to do. I didn't give him a kiss and a hug at bed time tonight. I told him that he has made me upset and hurt my feelings. Of course that went down well so I then took away his beanie kids. He is quiet now. I will try and talk to him in the morning but I have done it so many times before I know it won't make any difference.

Where is my bowl of milo cereal?

something amiss

Honestly there is something seriously wrong with me....... I miss J.

A day in the country

Well my day was lovely. M was the perfect gentleman, paying for everything, opening doors for me (cars and shops), was even going to help me on with my coat at one point but I didn't want it on at that point lol. I have to say it will take me a while to feel totally comfortable with it. Mind you by the time I do get comfortable with someone doing that will be about the time they stop lol and in years to come I will say why don't you do that anymore!!

He was very observant and picked up that I like the colour blue a lot even when I didn't even realise I was indicating such! He offered to let me drive his car, which is a very fancy sporty little thing, that I would be scared to drive in case I crashed it lol.

He has also said that he loves listening to me and doesn't think I talk to much!! haha sucker! lol poor guy!

So yes I like him and want to see him again. But still don't know! Yeah I know how can I not know. But I don't!! I need him to make a move I think. He is taking it all very slowly because he thinks that is what I want. Yeah ok it is what I want but not for that long lol. I am ready for the next bit now. I want him to put an arm around me. I want a bit of snogging!! Oh well we shall see.

Patrick was awful this morning. He was playing with Laura's tamagotchi and got rid of all her coins. I first said then he couldn't have the computer for a week. But then found a better punishment. He plays a game on the computer called runescape. It has an inventory. I am going to clear out his inventory. Boy oh boy that punishment hit the spot. But that was exactly what he did to Laura. I feel bad about it but I am going to do it as that is what he needs. He get saying you can't make me behave, you can't make me.... blah blah. I turned to him and said no you are right I can't but...... I can take away your things. I can not do your washing, I can not take you to soccer. I told him if he thought I was mean and nasty now he hasn't seen anything yet if he didn't start making an effort to behave. He had no comeback to that. Again we shall see.

My ex husband... the charmer

Fathers day. Woo hoo yeah like the kids really care. They were not keen to be going to his house today but they knew they had to. I also knew that Matt would be angry because handover was at 10am which is the same time his church starts. So he would be late.

Yes he was angry. He came over to where the kids and myself were standing. I started to walk away and as I did he says to me.... now wait for it..... it is good...."you better watch yourself you fucking rag". Told you it was good. Now I said nothing to him. I didn't even look at him.

Now is it any wonder that Patrick has no clue how to behave. I have the joyous task of teaching him that behaviour is wrong and yet the main male role model is contradicting what I say. You can see why I am very quickly going around the bend.

crapity crap crap crap

So the tenant in my house is supposed to be out on Sunday. There were phone calls flying around over the week as she in touch with this organisation who help people find accommodation. They wanted her to have more time. We the hard nose co-op that we are have said no. Thank God. I was worried there for a bit. But I still don't think she will be out. I have drawn up a form 7 to lodge with the Residential Tenancies Tribunal first thing Monday if she is not out. Which she won't be. I knew this would happen but I am still really upset by it. Add to that I have been trying to fix falling apart furniture that is just so old it is crazy I am feeling really crappy and teary.

I miss J. I miss him because I could just call him up and by the end of the phone call I would be feeling better. M and I are getting on really well but we are not up to that yet. He is not ready to see me who gets upset about stuff. At this point he is seeing the me who just lets everything roll over her and nothing upsets me. I replied to an email of his this morning. The closest i go to saying anything was just that I was frustrated about it all and need to stop thinking about it. When in truth I am sitting here in tears just sick of it all. I am so tempted just to pick up the phone and call J at the moment and then just feel better. But I know that will only be short term.

Why is everything so hard? Surely I have had my time with no money, small house and crap furniture? Can i have some time now where things are just a little bit easier? Why can't my ex just get on with his life and leave me and the kids the fuck alone.

I am looking forward to Monday though. Have I said this? That M and I are going to lunch together. We are meeting somewhere and then going up to the hills to Hahndorf in his car. We have had some good chats and he knows how I want to take it slow. But if we get alone well I don't want to take it that slow. I will never make the first move but I said to Rachel that I am going to have to start a bit of flirting if that is the case lol. I hope that this second meeting is a good as the first that he is as ok looking as he was the first time. I know that sounds odd but you know how you look at houses when thinking of buying and it isn't until later you sort of think "oh I didn't' notice that the first time?" I just want that comfortable stage like I had with J and have with G and then to take it to that next stage that steps beyond the boundaries of friends. I hate all this dancing around one another getting to know you biso. I know it is needed but I want to press fast forward. God will I ever be happy