are we all just in the same boat?

I was talking to someone last night and much of what she said seem to apply to me as well. Are all women looking for the romance and idyllic life of a princess? Thing is though that is not reality is it? Right now I would settle for a cuddle on the couch while we watch a DVD together. I am sure I could have had that with M. Does that mean I don't know what I want? Does that mean my expectations ultimately are to high?

In all reality I don't think I am that much different from anyone else. When I was with shit for brains I honestly didn't know any better. In a way I guess I did but not really. We got together young. I have never experienced what it is like to be with someone who truly loves you. I know there are couples out there and they have found that they are exact matches. They are not settling for each other. They are complete with each other. So that goes to show that it does happen. But does it or can it happen for everyone? Why do some of us get picked and others don't get picked for that life? Do we singletons get to a point where we go well I am getting up in years I am just going to have to settle now? Or do you hang out for the hope of prince charming.

Yeah I know Prince Charming..... but i am sure that these couples who have "that" relationship think of each other like that. Look don't get me wrong I know if I was in a "perfect" relationship it wouldn't be perfect. There will always be differences. But those differences that turn into arguments are normal. And afterwards after the fight has finished and differences resolved the respect is still there, the love is still there because when all said and done it was just an argument about why the hell can't he put the clothes in the washing basket instead of the floor.

Over the last few months I had hope. (last couple of years actually) Hope that men could offer a girl that. The happy ever after. That one man had all the answers, that he could make me feel loved, that we could talk about anything, that we could fight but still be ok and generally just be there for each other. To hold me and tell me that yeah sometimes life is hard but I am there for you and will always be there for you. So that I could enjoy my alone time because I knew that this wonderful man would always be there. My best friend.

Then the hope is gone. I find out that words are not always what they seem. That despite assurances the words are true, the actions are not there to confirm. The arms aren't there to hold me, there is no spending time together, no just mucking around and being friends. The hope has turned into a dream and dreams as you all know rarely come true.

I have an immense sadness lately. Not depressed but just sadness. I don't know how to deal with that.

I have been told that I have to love myself for others to love me. But I think that is crap. I can love myself to death. I can enjoy my own company, I can think I am the most attractive person in the world. Well that is all well and good but who gives a shit if people don't agree. And please don't say it doesn't matter what they think. Because it does matter. Of course it matters. I am a people person but for some reason I don't seem to have that many people in my life. Especially that ever elusive gentleman who loves me to bits and wants to spend eternity with me.

I don't think it is wrong to have hopes and dreams. What else is there if we don't have those. But how easily those are abused. How easily someone without thought other than to their own gain can just take that hope away.

Matt once said to me that I was the most trusting, see the good in everyone, happy go lucky person that he ever knew. Guess what were the first things to fade to the background. And just went they start to come to the front again someone else pushes them to the back again.

My life seems to be one big game of catch up. I will keep trying. I haven't given up yet I am not about to start now, but sometimes it just wears you down to the point it is hard to get the momentum going again. I guess that is where I am now.

God I wish I could do taekwondo every day. The one thing at the moment that I really enjoy. Yes I enjoy my kids but taekwondo doesn't answer me back!!Yes that came out of left field but I am always cheered when I do taekwondo.