Its the co-operative way

SO I am housed and belong to a housing co-operative. This is basically a group of people managing houses. We rent them out to our tenants, with the rent being income based. This means for me I can have a 3 bedroom house with a massive backyard for $216 a fortnight. For this I have to participate within the co-op. I am the rent coordinator. I managed the rents for the 20 houses that we have. I work out peoples rents based on their incomes and send out form 2's for people who are in arrears etc. Anywho. We have a tenant who isn't a member of the co-op (but is supposed to be working towards membership) who the tenancy officer and I have decided that she shouldn't have her lease renewed. This is due to the fact she isn't keeping her house cleaned and well maintained and also hasn't declared all the household income. (such a big big no no). Now this is a four bedroom house so if this woman is out it means I get her house. Here is the catch...... Some people don't want this woman out. They want to give her another chance. (we have tried that with others. Put it this way take my word for it this woman is trouble.) So although I have to play a big part to play in getting rid of her I have to be careful because basically I want her house lol. Will keep you informed.

I am having trouble with one of my wisdom teeth. It has half come up and has been sitting there for a few months. Now the last couple of days it has been sore and a bit swollen. I can't afford the dentist even with the extras cover. So I rang the public system. So for $30 I can get treated for an emergency. They outsource it to private dentists which is great. Slight problem I am petrified. What happens if it has to come out?????? My appointment isn't until Monday and I am hoping it is all better by then lol. I have looked at it. (with a torch and mirror. The kids did laugh) No wonder it is sore my poor gum is splitting as the next half of the tooth is breaking through. It is hard to tell if it is going to fit there. Mum said some of the pain could be my jaw moving around as well. So everyone keep your fingers crossed that this pain is just the gums being ripped to shreds as the tooth makes its merry way to the surface to sit there undisturbed for the rest of my life!

Just Hanging in

Had the last day of my first aid course yesterday. I passed so that is good. So glad it is over though. I called into see G on my way home as I finished early. It was such a winter day yesterday. There he was all tucked up in his place with his trackies on etc. I was so jealous. He looked so cosy lol. He did have to go out later so that made me feel better. The day before I had my PT session with him. He has changed venues now. (very long story) But he is much happier here as this is where he used to manage. So everyone knows him and he is getting more work. My PT session sucked. Only because of me though. I only lasted 15 minutes on the treadmill. He had me going 1 minute 8 then one minute10 kms. (He did tell me this was good as last week it was 2 minute intervals) I was stuffed though. I then couldn't do my push ups. I was so pissed off at myself. Ok so I didn't go to the gym last week cos I was sick but even so. I was not happy.

I am still not back at the gym. Money is not even tight I just don't have it. It is ridiculous. So today I have to go for a run. Then I need to come home and do my weights. Can you tell that I am not looking forward to it???? It is cold outside and wet. The gym in not!!!

Mum and dad get here on Friday night. I can't wait. Don't know what I am feeding them. Their money situation isn't much better than mine at the moment because of the move. Just wish I could hear back from the cops soon then I would know that is moving along.

Oh still talking to J. Had a couple of tumultuous days. Ok so we still haven't met but I have stuff I need to work on as well. My self esteem being one of them or I am going to end up being a very high maintenance girlfriend and I don't want that. But shit it is hard telling myself that I am worthy. He is supposed to be working on some dates for us to get together. Time will tell. Oh he finally admitted that he wants a relationship with me. Catch is that he sees us in a relationship already so if he is ok with that at the moment where is the incentive to meet when things get stepped up a notch.

life is a shit at imes.

Annie had to be put down. She had liver disease. So Tuesday after the first aid course I took the kids down to to say goodbye. They then waited in the other room while I stayed with her while she went to sleep, with the vet putting ten tonnes of tissues in my hands as I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't as close to her but shit she was only 5 and Lachlan was devastated. I then made the mistake of saying I was ok with dealing with the bill there and then. $255!!! I nearly died as well. That was my rent. So now I am behind on my rent. I can't afford to renew my gym membership and I have Patrick's birthday coming up. Of course add the plethora of bills that are always around. My credit rating is shot to hell. I hate that. I feel like my life is so out of control.

To top it all off I got a cold. Must have got it from Laura. I really could have lived without it. I really could. So basically this week I have cocooned myself. Not really wanting to talk or see anyone. Just struggling to get through the day to day stuff really. It just doesn't feel like anything is getting easier. It is harder if anything. I feel for the kids. I saw today that Patrick's sneakers were totally dead. I said to him how long had they been like that and why didn't he tell me. Well he didn't tell me because he knew I didn't have a lot of money and he is worried I won't have enough for his birthday present. (he is getting a nintendo ds) So with money that I had in the bank for a bill we drove to the shop and brought him new sneakers. God it just never ends.

Top it all off with the fact I am talking to J. Again. It was interesting though as we had a great talk and things came from him that I was very surprised about. He is still back and forth to Melbourne and it is hard to even find a day to meet so it is hard to argue my point. However I have tried and he knows my views on that matter are not going to change. He surprised me by saying that he is wanting a relationship. (with me) This is a big thing for him. His son has some health issues which were diagnosed a couple of years ago. It was about that time he decided that he didn't have time to have or want a woman in his life as it wasn't fair on his son. I think this contributes to the reasons behind not wanting to meet me. Of course I have no idea and I could be totally wrong. But after some of the things he said the other night I am feeling better about things. However I am still wary and my trust level is far from high. All of which he knows. He is back from Melbourne on the 7th and picks up his son again on the 8th so time will tell. It is good to be talking to him again. I missed it so much. Lets just hope it doesn't all end in tears again. Because basically I am hanging on to the something is better than nothing again.

and on it goes

Annie my 5 year old Burmese is tonight at the vet's. She hasn't been herself the last few days. It seems that she may have something wrong with her liver. I spoke to dad and he said if that is the case then put her down as that happened with one of their cats and they just went down hill fast. It is very sad. I haven't had Annie very long as she came to me after I lost Minnie my last Burmese. Although I am not as attached to her like I was with Min it is still very very sad. Lachlan was upset when I told him as well. The vet is ringing tonight to let me know the results of the blood tests. Fingers crossed.

Another session with G today. He made me run for 20 minutes varying the speed from 8 then up to 10kms. It was so hard then of course we had the rest of the hour for him to torture me in other ways lol. Of course I love it.

Friday I had another pinch test done. Although the overall total only worked out to be 2% less than what I was before I was stunned by how much I lost off of various body parts. The most being off my hips and belly. None of my chest. Which doesn't surprise me. I always lose it off my middle first and put it on there first. I was telling G about it and he said most women have it another way round. Lol I like not being most women!!

One thing it did achieve was show me not to rely on the scales. My weight on the scales has not changed much over the last few months but last week I had to get rid of another pair of jeans as I could take them off without undoing them. They kept falling down and driving me nuts. So I guess I just need to not overeat. Keep exercising and have my fat tested more often. Oh joy. But I am liking my body a little bit more than I have before which is a positive thing. There is a good outcome to the hard work I have been doing. I am actually feeling a bit chuffed that I can see how much this hard work is paying off.

up and down like a yo yo

not strictly true but sometimes feels like it. today I had my first aid course day one. Predictably boring but interesting in some parts. It has been about 14 years since my last first aid course (lol doesn't that sound like a confessional!) Amazing what has changed.

Laura did come with me and she was as good as gold. Very well behaved. She is a lot better but stilll not able to make it through the day without crashing towards to end so another day off school tomorrow I think. I did get a lovely compliment today in the form of no way am I old enough to have three kids let alone one who is nearly 10!! I may look like my dad but I seem to have gotten mums stay young looking genes!! No way am I going to complain about that one.

No taewkwondo tonight because of Laura not feeling well. We were going to go but it was going to be to late of a night and it just wasn't fair. Patrick of course cracked it and said it was all Laura's fault. Of course then went off at him. He shows no respect for anyone in this house. I have had it with him. He knew I was ticked off. I told him I didn't want him around me as I really didn't like his attitude and it needs to change. However we have had this conversation numerous times to no avail.

Mum and dads arrival has been delayed yet again. The trades people are behind. But that is because people in the co-op aren't as efficient as they should be. Drives me insane. I just want to organise it myself so then it all gets done. Arghhhhh.


Tomorrow is a new day. I am going to bed thinking happy thoughts so I have happy dreams and wake up happy.

Am I really this fit???

I find it hard to believe that after an hour of being absolutely pushed to my max I feel fine. I guess tomorrow will be the true story!! I swear he worked me harder this time. He put more squats in this time but I did say that I am ok with my arms but wish my legs would tone up, so I guess he took that on board. The only way I think in all honesty that he is working me harder is because he made me do more push ups lol. I am not talking girly ones either. Geez. 15 to start with, then we went and did something else then another 10, then off to do something else and then another 10!!! It is funny. I think my arms are getting quite toned yet I struggle so much on some of the machines and feel like I just can't do it anymore. (maybe because the weight is going up and up lol) but I seem to be able to do lots of squats and lunges! Weird.

Anyway he said I did really well so that is good. But you know what I am going to do though? Practice my push ups and my lunges and squats etc so that when I see him next week I am just that little bit better. Lol least I have something to aim for.


And just to an aside of all that. Seems the girl he is smitten with is purely physical. He said she is a lovely girl, however...... lol he thinks he is just really attracted to her but not to her personality. He thinks he is to picky. But hey if this girl wants babies and he is not into her better he figure it out now. But I did ask how much he time he had spent with her and he said not much. So my point was perhaps he needs to spend a bit more time with her to get to know her more? It was funny though. he said they went out to dinner Saturday and she yabbered a lot. I laughed and said well you should be used to that with me. He said no she yabbered!!! I said well that makes me feel better.

I have a first aid course tomorrow. Oh hooray!! I will have to take Laura as she is still not well. I had her home today and after a weekend of high temperatures today she seemed heaps better but she then crashed late in the afternoon. Of course this meant she couldn't go into OSCH and M was not happy. Even more unhappy when I informed him that no way could she go to school in the morning and I would pick her up at 8.30. I am sure she will be fine tomorrow but a day of doing nothing but sitting around reading, colouring in and gameboying will help let her recover. I think I will call into office works and just buy her something from there to help keep her amused.

ho hum

Mothers day hey? really I wouldn't have known it!!! I miss mum and dad and know how different things are going to be once they are here. Only a couple of weeks now and they will be here for good. Mum is stressing, I know she is looking forward to it just as much as I am.

Laura is still not well. She is better but not 100%. I think I will keep her home tomorrow. Of course this now means I have to ring her dad and tell him he is going to have to take time off work to come and collect her at 3.30 as that is when they are in his care. Normally she would have to go to OSCH but if she is sick she can't. I am waiting until after 10 when he is at church before I ring and leave a message. I don't want to talk to him and this is the easiest way. I am meeting G again at Revive tomorrow afternoon (which is why M will have to pick up Laura) for another torture session. But I can't wait. I didn't end up going to the gym Friday and of course haven't been able to go yesterday or today. So today I plan on doing bob and doing some weights work today.

Off now I guess to clean and do washing. How exciting. Depending on the weather and Laura we may drag the bikes out and try and get Lachlan off his training wheels. Last time it was cut short due to the fact he broke his arm. See how we go this time.

My kids are special

Today Patrick had SAPSA cross country. They had to run 2.5kms. He came 25th in about 70 kids. He came first out 0f the school though so I was very proud of him. He ran the whole way. Mind you if they didn't talk most of the way they may have all done better lol.

Laura sweet Laura has a cold. This morning she was foul and I was going to keep her home but then she reminded me that she had an excursion to the zoo. So off she went. She came home worn out and looking awful. Panadol has kicked in now so she is ok. Still be having an early night.

I have spent the day trying to get my lawn mower to start!!! Rachel was going to pay me to mow her lawn. I now have blisters on my hand from trying to get the old thing to work. It is now at Karen and Simon's for Simon to look at when they get home from their dirty weekend!! (lucky buggers) I hope it does start. My lawn is so tall from all this rain. I just haven't had the money for mower fuel and then when I did it was raining and when it wasn't raining I wasn't home!! I think it may have wait until dad arrives with the whipper snipper. I hate to think how long it will be in another 14 days lol.

G has me booked in for another training session on Monday!! Excellent! Really... I am actually looking forward to it. I have a disc for him of the flyers I have done up for him.

I have done my improvised version of the beep test the other day. It goes up by .5 kms each level so I did it on the treadmill. Just increased the speed by that every time it went up a level. Ok not the best way but when I can't get to the courts to do it I figure it is better than nothing. I got to level 6 ok doing it this way. When I get to do it again I am sure it will give me the confidence to keep going.

Still waiting to hear back from the cops but I know I will hear back. How can they not want me!!!

so much for the coffee.

Ok I don't drink coffee but even so. The have a look around my new gym and then lets go for coffee turned into an hour long biggest loser type workout and then a two hour chat with G. He pushed me hard and it was great. No way could I push myself that hard. I get to go again next week as well. The equipment is fantastic as well. Makes my gym look cheap and nasty.

Our chat was great. I do really like being with him. He is smitten with this girl. They met last Friday when he was having good bye drinks with the guys from his old work. It was a bit of "our eyes met and we just knew type of thing" apparently they were making eyes at one another and then she walked passed him and bumped him. Said sorry and G said no you meant to do that and it went from there! All very sweet and he must really like her as no more extra curricular activities for us. Which I am pleased for him. Yeah ok a bit jealous but oh well. I hope I get to meet her. She does sound lovely. She is 35 with a 6 year old son and her husband died 4 years ago from cancer. How tragic would that be??

Got the secret today. I have started reading it. It does all make sense. Some of it I sort of fit in with my own beliefs though. The silly thing is that my beliefs are totally opposites to how I have been thinking. It is very very silly. I am a christian and I know that I am not supposed to be living like this. I am not supposed to be worrying about money. I can ask for things and they are given to me. Yet it is taking this book for me to go back to that. oh well what ever it takes really. I am not saying I am a good christian but the background is there. So yes I do need to start thinking differently and things will fall into place. I know this. But guess what Tracey as you say it is so hard. It is really really hard to change those negative thoughts. But the fact that I am on to it is a step in the right direction.

Had taekwondo tonight. I am so sore and worn out it isn't funny. Tomorrow I drop the kids to school and come home and stay there until 4.30. Patrick has soccer so the kids are in OSCH until that starts. So a nice relaxing day at home with taekwondo tomorrow night. I should be ok for it by then lol.

I am missing J but thinking positive about it all. (well doing my best to!!)

guess what

Finally something good to say lol. I think finally I am starting to like my body. The heaviest I have ever been was 86kg. I am not that tall so for me that was huge. I hated my body. I did not feel comfortable in anything I wore. It didn't seem to matter how much I lost I still felt the same at 72kg as I did at 86kg. I am only just breaking into the 71kgs now. (lol and that is only just) but I think all the taekwondo and weights is paying off again. I feel stronger and I think I am looking skinner. I just have to keep this in my head so I can lose some more. I have to have another pinch test done at the gym but I have been putting it off. I may book in for that next week. Hopefully it will have gone done as I need it to be below 30% for the cops and last time I had it done it wasn't.

something is better than nothing?????

I have had the worst weekend. Despite the fact I ended up going out with Rachel I still had the worst weekend. And honestly it is my own making. Was supposed to catch up the G last night but he informed me that he has met a girl he really likes! Which made me think well what am I chopped liver? We are now catching up (of course there won't be anymore of "that" sort of catch up anymore) Tuesday so he can show me his new gym and just generally catch up. I am looking forward to it. I love spending time with him. I am just really bloody hurt that I am not good enough. And to top it off I have had yet another huge fight with guy number 2. Yeah I know. I know believe I know. I am shaking my head as well. G once asked me why J had such a hold over me and I really don't know. A month ago his step dad died after a long run of cancer. J has been back and forth to Melbourne to support his mum but coming back every second weekend to be with his 5 year old son. He was supposed to leave again today to go back to Melbourne. He is going back Tuesday instead. I don't understand why he can't meet me today. He claims he wants a day to himself and he is really busy and just can't do it. Am I wrong to think that he just really doesn't care enough? I think after nearly two years if he honestly can't squeeze me in then what is the point?

I guess the point is that I have been happy to settle. Because something is better than nothing. But is it. That is what I have been doing all my life. Lol look at M and I!!! If he was only calling me names well that was better than hitting me so it was ok? Having J there to talk to is better than being hurt time and time again because he won't meet me? Why oh why do I think like this. Why is it so hard to accept that I don't' have to settle for something because it is better than nothing. Nothing is better than feeling totally empty rejected and sad which is how I am feeling now. But I cling to what maybe. There is hope that he would change his mind there is hope that G will come to his senses and decide that I am the girl of his dreams!!! But there isn't. I need to accept that. But why can't I? Why do I cling to that hope.

Anyway I am going to try not to settle anymore. I really really am. But when I sit at home by myself time and time again I know I will find it hard. I just want to go out. I have no one to go out with. Rachel won't go to many places with me as she says she is to big and doesn't want to do it. (go figure! considering she isn't doing anything about her weight and it is worrying). I may speak to G about it. See if he can get me out of the house occasionally.

It is now only a couple of weeks until mum and dad get here (only for a couple of days then they go back again for a couple of days to supervise the removalists) that will change things.

I rang the police the other day about my application. (I figure it wasn't a normal application so I could ring this time lol) She explained the procedure for this situation. Basically if all is good I will hear back this week. If not it could take a month. So I will hear back this week. I have been thinking about this a lot. I want to do this so bad. Never before have I wanted to do something so bad.

Back to the gym today after a week of fairly crap eating. I feel like I haven't exercised at all but I have. I did taekwondo three times this week. I went to the gym once. (that is bad) I did a weight workout at home and I went for a walk on the beach yesterday. Looking at that I have exercised but it doesn't feel it. weigh in day tomorrow. I am a little bit up today but I will have a great day eating today and that will be off tomorrow.

feeling crappy

You know I don't even know what to write! I shouldn't watch chick flicks I really shouldn't. I just watched Because I said so. I know they are movies and not real life but my life has never been close to that. It is really hard to stay positive and think someday but when I look at what has happened to me in regards to guys it is really hard to think that I will ever find someone. I mean I can't be that good can I. I just find it so hard when all I want is a guy to love me for who I am for what I am. I have never ever even come close to that. Is it wrong to want that? Do I expect to much? I hate being lonely. It is bloody 3.30 Friday afternoon and basically all I want to do is go to bed and sleep until I get the kids back and they can help take my mind off things.

Shit I hate feeling like this. All this stuff just whirling around in my head. I constantly think that I don't deserve anyone special in my life. Why would anyone want me? I mean my marriage was a shambles and he was in love with me so much he treated me like crap. I have another guy who doesn't even want to meet me and another who is happy for sex but not to be in a relationship with me. Part of me says despite all that I do deserve better but geez it is hard to get past all that other stuff and fight against it when that is reality and I haven't had anything else to say otherwise.

I am going to stop as I really don't think I am making much sense at the moment. Perhaps I will take myself off to bed. The sooner I sleep the sooner it will be morning and the sooner I can kick the crap out of a punching bag.

another taekwondo rave

So last night we roll up to taekwondo and the 1001 kids. But the instructor decided to split the class. So all the kids one end and the adults the other!! Fantastic. I was the lowest grade in my group which consisted of 4 black belts, a couple of red belts and the rest yellow belts (but with more stripes than I have). It was great!! Best bit was when we teamed up in groups of three with each group having a black belt. So we had to do free sparring (basically belting each other up theoretically without contact! I have bruises to prove that doesn't always happen) So it was 2 onto the black belt. Shit he was good though. Then we swapped and I realised that I would soon it would be my turn!! They were gentle on me though but geez it was hard work. I had sweat pouring off me. (really gross. I will never pick up a guy there. lol I come home looking disgusting) But the absolute best thing was I loved every second of it!! I am still bamboozled about why I like it so much but honestly I have not enjoyed something like this since high school dance.

So there you go another rave about taekwondo!

Things are funny

Well after freaking out about money this week I now find myself with $60!! Ok it isn't extra but it has helped. My isp was supposed to take their payment out yesterday and they didn't. I rang and told them this morning what had happened and that now they can't take it out until next Tuesday. Cos it was their stuff up that is fine. So although I don't really have extra money it just spread it around a bit better and I can breathe easier!!

We had tae kwon do last night. First night back after the holidays. I love Tuesday nights. Not many white and yellow belts go and it is mainly red and black belts. So the kids and I got really good training and it was just great. Very different to Wednesday where there feels like a 1001 kids and the class is huge. Well selfish me. Another white belt mother and her two kids are now coming on a Tuesday!! Lol I feel so jipped. Tuesdays were for my family lol!!! No fair! Still it was good and we have already started learning the next form. Patrick and I got our certificates for getting our yellow belts. We were talking to the instructor and he said that in 3.5 years I could be a black belt!! How freaky is that! I am also going to go on a Saturday morning now when I don't have the kids. Apparently they don't get many people going and it is mainly black belts! Sounds like it could be just made for me. And I don't have to worry about the kids. You know I can't believe how much I enjoy it. It is so weird. It isn't something I honestly thought I would enjoy. Perhaps it is the perverse pleasure of knowing that if Matt ever touches me again I am on my way to whoopping his butt!!

today I have a lovely day at home. The kids are in care after school because Patrick has soccer practice at 4.15. (when you live so far from school it is a pain!!) So I don't need to leave here until 4.30. I am currently doing my rent review for the co-op at the moment. As the rent for the 20 houses are worked out based on income every 6 months I request every one's income details and have to work out their new rent. It is fairly painless and I don't mind it so that is what I am doing today and then just relaxing!!