something is better than nothing?????

I have had the worst weekend. Despite the fact I ended up going out with Rachel I still had the worst weekend. And honestly it is my own making. Was supposed to catch up the G last night but he informed me that he has met a girl he really likes! Which made me think well what am I chopped liver? We are now catching up (of course there won't be anymore of "that" sort of catch up anymore) Tuesday so he can show me his new gym and just generally catch up. I am looking forward to it. I love spending time with him. I am just really bloody hurt that I am not good enough. And to top it off I have had yet another huge fight with guy number 2. Yeah I know. I know believe I know. I am shaking my head as well. G once asked me why J had such a hold over me and I really don't know. A month ago his step dad died after a long run of cancer. J has been back and forth to Melbourne to support his mum but coming back every second weekend to be with his 5 year old son. He was supposed to leave again today to go back to Melbourne. He is going back Tuesday instead. I don't understand why he can't meet me today. He claims he wants a day to himself and he is really busy and just can't do it. Am I wrong to think that he just really doesn't care enough? I think after nearly two years if he honestly can't squeeze me in then what is the point?

I guess the point is that I have been happy to settle. Because something is better than nothing. But is it. That is what I have been doing all my life. Lol look at M and I!!! If he was only calling me names well that was better than hitting me so it was ok? Having J there to talk to is better than being hurt time and time again because he won't meet me? Why oh why do I think like this. Why is it so hard to accept that I don't' have to settle for something because it is better than nothing. Nothing is better than feeling totally empty rejected and sad which is how I am feeling now. But I cling to what maybe. There is hope that he would change his mind there is hope that G will come to his senses and decide that I am the girl of his dreams!!! But there isn't. I need to accept that. But why can't I? Why do I cling to that hope.

Anyway I am going to try not to settle anymore. I really really am. But when I sit at home by myself time and time again I know I will find it hard. I just want to go out. I have no one to go out with. Rachel won't go to many places with me as she says she is to big and doesn't want to do it. (go figure! considering she isn't doing anything about her weight and it is worrying). I may speak to G about it. See if he can get me out of the house occasionally.

It is now only a couple of weeks until mum and dad get here (only for a couple of days then they go back again for a couple of days to supervise the removalists) that will change things.

I rang the police the other day about my application. (I figure it wasn't a normal application so I could ring this time lol) She explained the procedure for this situation. Basically if all is good I will hear back this week. If not it could take a month. So I will hear back this week. I have been thinking about this a lot. I want to do this so bad. Never before have I wanted to do something so bad.

Back to the gym today after a week of fairly crap eating. I feel like I haven't exercised at all but I have. I did taekwondo three times this week. I went to the gym once. (that is bad) I did a weight workout at home and I went for a walk on the beach yesterday. Looking at that I have exercised but it doesn't feel it. weigh in day tomorrow. I am a little bit up today but I will have a great day eating today and that will be off tomorrow.