life is a shit at imes.

Annie had to be put down. She had liver disease. So Tuesday after the first aid course I took the kids down to to say goodbye. They then waited in the other room while I stayed with her while she went to sleep, with the vet putting ten tonnes of tissues in my hands as I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't as close to her but shit she was only 5 and Lachlan was devastated. I then made the mistake of saying I was ok with dealing with the bill there and then. $255!!! I nearly died as well. That was my rent. So now I am behind on my rent. I can't afford to renew my gym membership and I have Patrick's birthday coming up. Of course add the plethora of bills that are always around. My credit rating is shot to hell. I hate that. I feel like my life is so out of control.

To top it all off I got a cold. Must have got it from Laura. I really could have lived without it. I really could. So basically this week I have cocooned myself. Not really wanting to talk or see anyone. Just struggling to get through the day to day stuff really. It just doesn't feel like anything is getting easier. It is harder if anything. I feel for the kids. I saw today that Patrick's sneakers were totally dead. I said to him how long had they been like that and why didn't he tell me. Well he didn't tell me because he knew I didn't have a lot of money and he is worried I won't have enough for his birthday present. (he is getting a nintendo ds) So with money that I had in the bank for a bill we drove to the shop and brought him new sneakers. God it just never ends.

Top it all off with the fact I am talking to J. Again. It was interesting though as we had a great talk and things came from him that I was very surprised about. He is still back and forth to Melbourne and it is hard to even find a day to meet so it is hard to argue my point. However I have tried and he knows my views on that matter are not going to change. He surprised me by saying that he is wanting a relationship. (with me) This is a big thing for him. His son has some health issues which were diagnosed a couple of years ago. It was about that time he decided that he didn't have time to have or want a woman in his life as it wasn't fair on his son. I think this contributes to the reasons behind not wanting to meet me. Of course I have no idea and I could be totally wrong. But after some of the things he said the other night I am feeling better about things. However I am still wary and my trust level is far from high. All of which he knows. He is back from Melbourne on the 7th and picks up his son again on the 8th so time will tell. It is good to be talking to him again. I missed it so much. Lets just hope it doesn't all end in tears again. Because basically I am hanging on to the something is better than nothing again.