feeling crappy

You know I don't even know what to write! I shouldn't watch chick flicks I really shouldn't. I just watched Because I said so. I know they are movies and not real life but my life has never been close to that. It is really hard to stay positive and think someday but when I look at what has happened to me in regards to guys it is really hard to think that I will ever find someone. I mean I can't be that good can I. I just find it so hard when all I want is a guy to love me for who I am for what I am. I have never ever even come close to that. Is it wrong to want that? Do I expect to much? I hate being lonely. It is bloody 3.30 Friday afternoon and basically all I want to do is go to bed and sleep until I get the kids back and they can help take my mind off things.

Shit I hate feeling like this. All this stuff just whirling around in my head. I constantly think that I don't deserve anyone special in my life. Why would anyone want me? I mean my marriage was a shambles and he was in love with me so much he treated me like crap. I have another guy who doesn't even want to meet me and another who is happy for sex but not to be in a relationship with me. Part of me says despite all that I do deserve better but geez it is hard to get past all that other stuff and fight against it when that is reality and I haven't had anything else to say otherwise.

I am going to stop as I really don't think I am making much sense at the moment. Perhaps I will take myself off to bed. The sooner I sleep the sooner it will be morning and the sooner I can kick the crap out of a punching bag.