It's my party and I will cry if I want to.....

Yeah I know corny!! But frankly that is how I feel. I have spent the morning in bed reading a dumb romance novel and managing to get totally depressed about it.

generally i am just feeling crap. Just emotionally crap. Things are happening with J again and I am scared about all that. Totally insecure and frustrated. He is giving a good impression of being interested, and my emotional state the way it is I am vulnerable. So I am scared but want it all to happen so bad. I am not saying anything else. No one and I mean no one knows what the full story is this time and I guess that is because I am scared it is going to crash around my ears and I look like an idiot again. My friends in RL don't even know that i am talking to him again.

I feel so weak sometimes.

Ok off to the gym to sort myself out.

hoe hum

Really really not much happening. I have been sitting here getting slightly tiddly with red wine. I am such a cheap drunk. I hadn't even finished the first glass and I could feel it.

Things have been a bit sad the last few days. It is sort of hard to comprehend that my tough old battle axe of a nana is gone.

I went around to Karen's Friday night. They were having trouble connecting to broadband. So I went around there to sort it out. Still not sorted though as their line has to much interference and the ADSL just won't connect. I do remember something like this happening with me so hopefully getting a shorter phone call will help. I ended up staying and watching FNL which was good. A good catch up.

So I got word from G. He was planning on visiting me tonight but it is mum's birthday tomorrow (lol he will never ever ever forget my birthday) so they are having a bit of a do tonight apparently. So I will content myself with my new jim jams, my left over roast dinner, and my red wine lol.

oh J is still around. He is a bit like a bad smell actually.

Its going to be a long one

My Nana died on Monday. (dad's mum) It was very sudden. It was a sort of thing that you just didn't expect her to do. I expected her to survive it so she could talk about it endlessly.

The funeral was yesterday and it wasn't until yesterday I cried. God it was awful. And crying now remembering it. I mean it was lovely but it was awful. At the graveside it was worse. My kids had been fine and really I don't think they understood. We only ever really saw Nana in the school holidays because it was a two hour trip to get there and the cost of fuel didn't help. But at the grave my kids just lost it. Patrick mainly. (we think Lachlan just joined in because the others did) but I think it just hit for Patrick. He is old enough to know. And I guess the fact that old nana was in this box and we were throwing lavender on it hit home to him. Shit it was hard.

Ok moving on now as I am upset now. Funny couple of stories relate to that. One being Lachlan. Earlier in the week I was explaining to him what a funeral was, where we say good bye and we bury her. So the day before the funeral I said to the kids we were going to it tomorrow. lachlan wanted to know if we needed to bring the shovel!! Of course this got a few laughs when it got told around yesterday.

Another one is when Nana was in hospital last weekend for some reason she had to have her photo taken. (no idea what drugs she was on at this point but I still think she would have done it) she didn't want the photo taken and argued and argued. Finally she agreed, as they took the photo she lifted her top up over her head and flashed them all!! No bra on, nothing!! Would have love to have seen the photographers reaction!!

Not much else is happening. I have J still chasing and seems to be working but not saying much at this point as I am not getting my hopes up. Saw G Wednesday and he was very cagey. I brought it up (although bit hard to talk about us when we are in a gym) and he was a bit funny about it. I said to him so if I jumped you that night we had dinner you would have done it. Bugger said yes lol. However he txt me late last night asking if I had kids Sunday. I replied with no. He just said just checking. I left it at that, but who knows what he has up his sleeve. I know his mum's birthday is on Monday but don't know when he is seeing her. If it is Sunday night I may get a visit after that!!

That is me done. I am feeling down in the dumps. Understandable I guess.

I will put up a photo later of my Nana and myself. It is in the car and I have to take the kids to school.

Oh I got my car back yesterday but no bull bar. The one they got didn't fit. So it will have to go back at some point to have that fitted. But I needed it yesterday regardless. It is so shiny even more than when I brought it. And it has the new car smell again. The novelty hadn't really worn off of having it when I had the accident so now it is like having a new car all over again. Only thing is that I used to LOVE driving. Last night in peak hour it was awful. I was so paranoid. I am never like that. Mum says that will wear off. I hope so.


This is nana and I. Taken in 1994. My grandpa was really sick and not expected to live to see me married. So nana came with me to one of my dress fittings so she could take some photos to show Grandpa. I am glad I have these photos. I forgot about them but they had put them up for the funeral. (so I pinched them at the end lol)

fingers crossed everyone please

Had our monthly co-op meeting again today. Looks like I have my house. Ok I can't really put my hand up for it at the moment as we only just decided to not renew the tenant's lease and as i am rent co-ordinator I have been the main instigator. Hey though she has been the one in the wrong. She was supposed to get her rent up to date and in advance by two week. That has not been done. So sorry not my fault and I will have your house thank you very much.

I was not game enough to speak to the people who are in charge of putting people in the houses so I got someone else to do my dirty work for me. I don't know how that went as I had to leave the meeting early. But looks good at this stage. A four bedroom house. With an extra bit of living space. I won't know myself. It faces the wrong way for the sun of course but there are roller shutters on the front windows so that will keep the worst of the heat out.

Next thing is fighting with the major dick himself to get the kids shifted to this school that is 2 minutes down the road by foot. He will claim it is to far for him to travel but he only has to make 4 trips in a fortnight so get over it pal. I will fight for it I can tell you. I am sure if it goes to court the courts will see it my way as well, especially as it is a bigger house for the kids. Best news is that while my income stays the same so will my rent. So I will be paying $216 fortnight for a four bedroom house.

Lol can you tell I am excited. I am going to have to save some of my "johnny Howard" money for removalists. I will move the majority but the furniture will have to be done by the guys in the know. Looking at mid September at this stage. I am going to have to get some more cupboards as well. Oh and the big downer at this point which is going to kill me is that it is going to be very hard to get ADSL. Mum and dad havn't even got it yet and they have been there over a month now. I am going to have to go back to dial up. Shit shit damn damn. Not happy Jan about that.

Ahhh the sacrifices we make for our kids lol

well well well

I am feeling pretty good today. (eating to much still but we will brush that aside for the minute) I think it is the fact that although the contact is spasmodic and not real committal the fact that I have heard from J means he is slightly interested. It means that I have the power. I was prepared to walk away. I did not make the first move back to contact him, he did. Therefore I have the power. How sick does that sound though? Sounds awful that I have the power. But lol I am liking it.

Add to that the fact that G is interested in getting down and dirty with me is also a little boast for my confidence. Mind you I bet he wishes he never ever ever said this to me as I throw it back in his face a lot. He once said to me "any sex is good sex!". What a man comment. Still, I have something he wants and it is up to me whether he gets it or not. Ok sure I doubt it will upset him to much if I said no but the power is going to my head........ (insert evil evil laugh here!)

A funny thing happened.....

Men... yep again men..... They really really do my head in. They really are after only one thing. Well actually no that is not true otherwise J would have met me by now. Hey we had worked out our last meeting to the point of a motel room and who was using the bathroom first so sex was going to happen. But the meet didn't happen even though he was going to get it.

Ok so that was a tangent. My reasoning behind this is this little story. I txt G yesterday morning about rock climbing sometime in the future. Well geez he was keen. Surprised me actually. In the txt going back and forth trying to sort out a date, he comes out with, "I think it is about time we had another good bed session hey?" Lol out of left field totally. Now I have mentioned that he doesn't have a girlfriend any more. Hasn't had for a couple of weeks. A bit more back ground which I did mention is when he came to dinner. I didn't go into great depths as to the lead up to that but perhaps I need to as I think I read the signs wrong. So background it is......

When I txt G (we always txt. Very very rarely talk on the phone) about dinner he returned with "will there be extra's at this dinner" or words to that effect. I joked and replied with well I was going to supply dessert but I can include choc as well. (all totally above board and dessert was not a indication of sex lol) Then when I saw him at the gym before dinner it some how came up again and I thought he just wasn't interested and I made the comment "probably not a good idea. Been there done that". He agreed but perhaps it was because I didn't really give him a chance. Who knows perhaps he is just horny and has changed his mind.

So my dilemma is yes I want sex. I miss having someone in my bed for the closeness before, during and after the act. I love the hugs, I love the kisses. I just love that closeness, the talking, just everything really. I know that it won't damage our friendship because we have been there and done that. The only reason though it doesn't damage our friendship is because I pretend. I pretend that I am just happy with the sex that I really really don't want more. When in actual fact I do want more. I want it to be more than sex. I want the whole I am beautiful and he wants to spend his life with me.... lol yeah I know I am sap. But that is how I feel. So do I go back to the something is better than nothing or so I leave things how they are and survive???? Knowing how weak I am I know what is going to happen. But as he said we will discuss at the gym....lol

As for the other dick in my life. There have been quite a few txt's back and forth. Now we have two options here. He is just playing with my head........ or he is a typical male and doesn't not do feelings well and this is the start of him trying to sort it out. Of course I want it to be option 2 because I am a sap. My nature because of my low self esteem is to pour my feelings out in the hope that he will return the favour. Well my friends that is not going to happen this time. Well I am going to try anyway. I am going to play hard to get. A new thing for me. As I am easily got. I am a sucker for nice words. I miss him and I really like him. SO the fear of him not being in my life is actually quite hard to cope with. I hate the fact that I have this thing with him. I also know it is because I have no one else there. He was my only option. Dare I say it?? I feel desperate. In actual fact I do know my weaknesses and he knows them to I guess. I am a sucker. I want to be loved so badly that I grasp at straws. Although I have been hurt so many times I still don't really have trust issues because a few nice words and I am back there. I guess that is why I stayed with Matt for so long. (well one of the reasons.)

So there you go. My non existent love life.

On the car front. I don't get it back until Tuesday or Wednesday. Geez. I hate to think what would have happened if it had been worse. Well I know what would have happened. The car would have been written off. I think even now the insurance company wished they had. Lol good to know I got something out of all the money I have paid I guess.

The puppies yesterday were so cute. Dad washed them and then I dried them. The kids had a ball. The pup's have always been so filthy. (imagine 9 puppies who aren't toilet trained and only just starting to eat in a confined place. They step in all and then step on each other.) Poor dad has to basically clean the cage out constantly as they do make such a mess. And I think bathing is going to be happening weekly now. Although he did say as they get older they stay cleaner longer. I have many photos of the kids with the pups. They will certainly be kid proof by the time they are sold that is for sure. (that is the dogs not kids. Although that is a very very tempting thought)

really and truely hanging on today

Took Patrick rock climbing today. I would have loved to have done it but had no one to do the belay for me. Patrick had a good time though. It was good for him I think because he really had to work through it. At first he would stop and ask to be let down when it got to hard but I conned him into keep trying and finding a way up when there weren't that many steps to chose from. He did really well.

Still don't have my car back. Arghhhh I so want my car back. Hopefully I will get the call tomorrow. I am almost out of petrol in this loan car and know that as soon as I put some in they will call me and say oh your car is ready. I don't think I have much fuel in my car so fingers crossed it works out.

So guess who contacted me?...... Yeah ok bet you don't need 3 guesses. It wasn't major but he popped up on yahoo but under his msn thingo. I am a bit unsure how he ended up there actually but there you go. He didn't say anything just must have double clicked and then pressed enter to send to me. Then went off line. I txt him the next day and of course he denies all knowledge. We had a bit of a thing going back and forth. I told him last time not to contact me. This time I told him not to contact me unless it is to fix us. He then said something else and I replied with the don't contact me unless to fix us. Heard nothing since. I guess this will clear it up once and for all won't it? I am sort of feeling better about it now because if he does crawl back I am going to make him work for it that is for sure. Hehe not looking forward to telling G though. We were talking about it on Tuesday and I told him how I really wanted to call J and G and I had a bit of a conversation about why i wanted to do that. (As much as you can in a gym full of people) I told him that I wasn't going to call J and that I was resisting. He insisted that I keep resisting.

Anyone seen that Handy ultra paper towel advert on tv? (Australian) It cracks me up every time for the simple fact that my kids love it. "these are tights...... this is handy...... this is a dog..... this is handy" Who knows why my kids enjoy it so much but hey it is the simple things.

Because on the down side if my kids sit in front of the tv and fight over the cats and which kid they are going to I will scream....... I think we need another cat. One for each kid. Was fine when Annie was still here but only 2 cats and 3 kids. You do the math and work out the fights!! Yep it is the simple things. Mind you I can get the last laugh as it doesn't matter how comfortable or which kid the cat is sitting on I only need to click my fingers and the cats come to me!! lol then thats starts some whinging.

Funny thing I saw today. A bakery with a drive thru!! Next door to KFC. Patrick and I had to have lunch so we went to the bakery. I wasn't brave enough for the drive thru but thought it funny all the same.

well it is a start

Took the kids down to the pool this morning. Mum and dad picked up the younger two to take them off to this train thing. Patrick and I hung around at the pool, him playing with a friend and me sitting and talking to friends mum.

After that I went through the drive thru at macs. You know they have for a limited time a cookies and cream dessert thing. Shit it looks nice. I so wanted one. Instead I got Patrick is big mac meal, I ate my cheesy mite roll whilst driving to the gym. Where I then proceeded to kill myself for 35 minutes on the treadmill. 15 minutes of running included in that.

I have finally traced everything at Calorie King and I am sailing pretty close to the wind today mainly because I ate a lot of cereal this morning. Dinner is pasta so i will make sure I only have a small serve. I have realised that I am out of bread and milk so am about to go out in the world of temptation again but hopefully having typed all this out will keep me accountable.

Wish me luck.........

Just on a side note though after not hearing from K or R this week. (about my only girlfriends) I popped into see K at work this morning. Her and R are off to see shrek this afternoon. I am a bit pissed. Ok yes I could have called them last week but they have families I hate calling because I never know when a good time is. I on the other hand spent the week from hell lonely and yuk and not one word from them. They know I struggle. Well they should. I don't know if I am being selfish or not but I am feeling hurt. R has done this to me many times and I think this time something will be said.

Glutton for punishment

I told G today that I would regret some of the words that are about to come out of my mouth! Those words were......" I give you permission to whip my butt today" but surprisingly it was fine. Finally I am running again! Only 8.5 speed wise though and for 15 minutes but after for so long that was good and I managed to talk to G the whole way through that! I thought I could feel my leg but really it was fine. Like G said I am going to be paranoid about it for a while. G said he still worries about his and that was years ago. Great lol.

So if that session was G flogging me well I was great! Next week I am telling him to push me harder!! I am going to go to the gym tomorrow but just for cardio. Food was totally crap today. So much for that. But tomorrow is a new day and I will try again! That is the best I can do. I just need to control it but why oh why is it so hard.

hanging in there

So the kids are off to vac care today. It only costs me $12 for all three of them. Gives them a chance to do something good and also to get away from each other (and me). I am stressing a bit as money is really really short and I wanted to do stuff with the kids. If the loan car didn't cost $15 per day I would be ok. But that is going to cost all up over $100.

I am sick also of eating and eating. Well not really as I love food but i am eating to much. I need to do something about that. I only need to lose roughly 10 kilos. Although i am not really looking at the scales more the % of body fat. I would like to get down to 25% body fat and see how we go. So for the next 10 weeks I am going to use calorie king and try my hardest to do this. I mean it isn't a huge amount and yet I find it so hard.

Things are ok with me I guess. Generally I am ok. I am sad I guess for the want of a better word. Maybe because I know this is my life and I just have to accept the fact that it is just me and the kids. I have to make all the decisions, there is no one to tell me that I am special etc and to give a rats about me. That I am the only one who is ever going to do everything like, cook, clean, wash, taxi kids around. That I have to go around and pretend that everything is fine when really I hate living life like this. Doesn't matter if I am sick, I still have to do everything. I can't have a day off. This is my life.

So there you go. Oh btw I did get the whipper snipper started after dad gave me some hints! Like flick a certain switch up!!! opps. But hey that rant still stands because it is true lol. I also managed to get my big pressure pump pack thing working again so I could mix up round up and go kill the massive marshmallow weeds. So there are moments when I think I can do it all! However fleeting they may be!

Off for my PT session today. I am going to instruct G to flog me into the ground. I think I need to be the stuffed I can't think.

men who needs them???? Me!!!!!

Ok it does suck on occasions being female. Now I have never been one to really worry about it but sometimes like today it really sucks.

So yes we bleed once a month which then costs us a fortune to deal with that. Not to mention the hormones associated with our monthly version of hell, which is a time when men tend to steer clear of us as they she us a raving loonies. (well who wouldn't when you have to deal with that). Lets not forget pap smears or breast checks. Child birth of course is up there. Having to constantly worry about what we put in our mouths and the countless other things that are all things female. Ok I live with them and generally I am ok with them.

But what about opening jars????? Usually again I cope fairly well I don't think there is one yet I haven't been able to open destine to spend its eternal life sitting at the back of my pantry because when a man does come over I don't usually remember to bring it out or indeed need it open at the precise time.

What I am struggling with this morning is starting the whipper snipper. I have just spent the last 10 minutes out there alternating my yells at the bloody thing that won't start and at the dog who is locked up as he has a tendency to attack the snipper, who is barking and trying to break free. Needless to say I can't get the thing started. I have to wait for a male to come around and help me. Luckily dad is calling around later and I will get him to get it started. The last time I had trouble it was with the lawn mower. Dad got it started for me but then I still couldn't get it started. Turns out that the cord that you pull is actually really long and my arms aren't long enough so I have to stand on something to give me that bit more of an advantage! I mean come on!! Cut me some slack here. (in more ways than one!) Of course the other deal with the whipper snipper is that it is huge. I am using the stunningly attractive harness that goes with it but it is still to big, heavy and awkward for me to use with ease. I end up with part of it resting on my hip and I hobble around the yard looking like a complete fool.

It ticks me off that i struggle with all these things. I manage everything else. And regardless of my moaning and bitching about wanting a guy in my life I don't want to move in with anyone and I don't want to have to rely on them for stuff like this. Geez I have even killed a couple of spiders now!!! (death by foam!) But how nice my day would be if I could just get out in my back yard, start the whipper snipper, whip around in half and hour before the rain comes and then enjoy the rest of my day!! Yes it is the simple things.

just to note though. All in all today is better than yesterday and really I am only slightly peeved at the whipper snipper. If it is meant to be with J he will call me. If not I am better off without him. (yes you have all been telling me this for ages. Shaking your heads at your screens while you read my rantings. But try it from my side and you will see it ain't all that easy and I need to tell myself that a million times before I will get over the idiot loser who doesn't know what he is missing :))

into the minds of men

Having a really really bad day today. Yeah yeah I know another whinge. But guess what you don't have to read this. This is for me so just piss off if you don't want to hear me go on about how crap I feel.

Today I was supposed to meet J. I really really thought it would happen this time. I just don't understand how someone can say all the things he did and then just do what he did. How can we talk for the lengths we did and the time frame we did and he just let me go? I have heard nothing from him and I just don't get it other than I was played. But why? 2 years?? What does he get out of it? He doesn't know I am sitting here in tears writing this. For all he knows I have met someone and he isn't in my mind at all. I just don't fucking get it. Well whatever it was I fell hook line and sinker and that is why I am sitting here in tears. By him just letting me go I know I meant nothing to him and shit that hurts. I know I never met him but we were talking for 2 years. Hours and hours each day on the phone. I am so hurt and I don't know how I am supposed to trust someone again. It was hard enough after Matt but I guess I needed the tlc that J offered and even at the end of the phone it was better than nothing. I feel so hurt, stupid and frustrated all rolled into one. And of course not forget worthless. And I am so sick of pretending that all of this doesn't bother me. I don't talk about it with anyone else. Out in the world according to family and friends my life is fine. Yeah I have no money and I struggle with being a single mum at times but no one knows how lonely I am, how I wish that some guy would love me for me and I could trust him and just be secure with him because I was the one for him. Honestly is that to much to ask after all the crap I have been through. Surely I am allowed to have that at least once in my life.

Shit fuck shit. Bloody shit. I just don't get it I really really don't. Roll on 5 when my babies come back home and the loneliness can subside a bit.

kill me now

before I went so I could soldier on but I think I am paying for it now. I actually feel sick as well as the whole head cold thing happening. I plan on curling up on the couch with a blanket and watching Panic room (for the 100Oh geez I feel awful. I really don't think I should of had my PT session. I drugged up with codralth time) soon. Just wish I had choc's! One good thing about not having a car.

The car...ummmm.....well. Hasn't that turned into a nightmare. I spoke to the guy today and apparently they "found" some more damage and had to ring the assessor again. He said because they had already agreed to fix it they would go ahead still and do that. So up shot of that is no car until middle of next week. Now when organising all this and how long I would have to wait if I wanted a loan car etc etc I chose to do it this week because I didn't have the kids this week. I stressed to the repairers that I needed it back by Saturday. Yes Yes I was told. Yeah right. So the repairer and I had a few words. Him telling me they were a crash repairers and not a car loan mob. And me telling him that I was a single mum with three kids and a customer. I got a call back about an hour later and it looks like I may have a car. He will let me know for sure tomorrow so fingers crossed for that one.

Still no word from J. Sometimes I think I am fine this is getting easier. (like today) but then I think back to Sunday and Monday when i felt like shit and was missing him. Time will make it easier but I still live in hope that one day he will call me and say sorry Kate I am a dick and I can't believe I have waited so long. Lol don't see it happening but I live in hope because I am a bloody hopeless romantic!

to pretend or not...

I said right from the start how much I pretend that everything is ok in my life. I still do it. Even on here. I don't want people to think I spend my life in deep depression (which I don't) but i only seem to post on here when I am down. guess it helps me but I have been down playing it a bit I guess.

There are times when I just lie in bed crying. Crying because I am alone. Crying because it is so hard to convince myself I am worthy of someone to enter my life. That is so hard to believe when the guys in my life don't really want me. I am missing J desperately. Mainly because he was the one person I didn't pretend with. He knew everything. We talked for hours at a time, a few times a day. (yeah it made it hard to get stuff done) but after 2 years we were still doing that. That has to say something doesn't it. I think I deserve a guy who wants to meet me at least, who thinks the world of me. So why is it so hard to just wait for it to happen. I have never been held and told how beautiful I am. I have never been loved by a guy unconditionally. And in a way i wish I never started talking to J because over the 2 years we have been talking that is one of the things we talked about and he made me see it was possible. He was the one person I could be myself with and now that is gone. So here I am. I have made that many attempts to break away from J because he won't meet me that at this point he probably things that we will start talking again soon. But this time I am determined not to. Hopefully as G said last night he is sitting at home thinking what the hell have I done, she was really serious this time.

Speaking of G, he came around last night instead as he had his plans change. It was a nice night. (although the little voice in my head said why didn't he make a move on you. But we had in a round about way had already discussed it and I said I didn't want it to happen!) I fed him, fixed him up with some more promotional stuff for his business, which he was very very happy with, and he provided the chocolate. lol. It is funny, for a personal trainer he isn't that strict on his food and I wish I could have his attitude. Everything in moderation I guess. He loves chocolate so it wasn't very surprising that he brought some. But it was a nice night. It was nice to have him in my house sitting on my lounge and just watching tv etc. I even got a hug which I hadn't had for ages as I have been seeing him at the gym and can't sort of do that there lol.

well there we go. Today dad is picking me up and I am going to there place to help as the rest of their furniture has finally arrived. My car is off getting fixed. I did get a phone call yesterday when they said that they were thinking of writing my car off but managed to get out of that luckily as I didn't hear anymore from them.

Got my PT session tomorrow and I am looking forward to it but on the other hand I think he is going to kill me. I will be running again. G said my calf should be fine now so fingers crossed for that. I hate running though and told him last night but he said well you are doing it, you know how good it is for you. Yes sir lol.

out of here now. Oh for any ww readers here thank you so much for the chat last Friday, I enjoyed it so much and normally that would have been a night in bed crying due to the fact that my kids had left for the week and I was alone. It made me feel not so alone. lol

yep yep yep yep

well isn't this exciting? My life is just so full and interesting lol. I have no petrol. I mean no petrol. I will be lucky if I have enough in the car to get to the petrol station. I have $6 to my name. I was supposed to get my child support today but it looks like it will come in on Monday now I guess. Which means that I am stuck here. Bored and lonely.

I want to so much to pick up the phone and talk to J. But I won't. But I want to lol. I hate this really. Just sitting around for my life to change. I know that sounds silly but that is really what I am doing. I know once I start working I will meet people and hopefully there will be less nights spent alone and lonely. Once school holidays have ended I will be doing my typing test for the cops. I am also waiting for my old high school to send my year 11 results to me. Of course school holidays have thrown a huge spanner in the works and delayed everything. So yes I am sitting around waiting for my life to change. Bit like being pregnant really.

Well just for some major excitement I think I will start preparing the co-ops rent documents for audit. Yep I lead an exciting life.

Gosh we are good.

All three of us passed our grading at taekwondo. It was great. My calf was fine no twinges at all and I gave it all I had in the free sparring so was quite chuffed it held up. Mind you I have G to thank for that as he went easy on me in my PT session and we moved it forward in the day as well. As he put it I had a "nancy" workout lol.

Laura was so excited about passing, she took her book, her top, and her belt to school today for show and tell.

Lachlan has had a cold all this week. I woke up with it this morning. Yuk. I have been taking ease a cold so hopefully that will knock it on the head.

Today was spend wrestling with Dad's whipper snipper. In the end I had to get him to come around and sort it out for me. I am still going through cord at a great rate of knots but it happened with him as well. I just find that the thing is so bloody big and the harness doesn't help that much that I was resting it on my hip a lot which made things hard. Anyway I got all the front done which was great. Marshmallow weeks were threatening to take over my yard in a scene reminiscent Day of the Triffids.

It was funny though because I couldn't get the mowers started either. (the one that I am borrowing from a friend) Dad got it started straight away. I later went to start it and still couldn't. Turns out my arms aren't long enough lol. I had to stand up hill from it to give me a bit more pulling room!! Now I just have to attack the back yard but as I think it will be raining for a few days it will have to wait.

think I have been here before.

Well that meeting won't be happening. J didn't look at his court order. He thought he knew the arrangements with his son. But he got it wrong and he has his son that night. Ok yes legit excuse but where does it leave me? No where apparently. This has happened before. Something happens he can't meet me but he won't sort something else out. So that is it. I feel like such a fool. And I am sure many people think that I am.

But put yourself in my shoes. I don't have many friends. Especially male friends. 99% percent of my days and nights are spent alone. I sit at home alone (and when I have my kids after they have gone to bed) and I am lonely. I also haven't had a loving caring relationship where the other person actually appreciates me etc etc. This is why I find it so hard to break from J. I have built up this 2.5 year relationship with this man. Who over the phone can make me feel so secure and cared about. Yet won't meet me. He says it is not because he doesn't want to it is just because things happen. Well yes that is true but mate..... try bloody harder.

So that is where I am at now. Trying my hardest to believe that this is his problem and nothing to do with me. Which is hard when basically all your life you have been rejected or abused by men.

On a good note, I finally heard back from the cops. I have the green light to proceed. So first step is all my paper work to submit. (I have my phone restricted at the moment until I can pay my bill. so I can't make calls out. Thank god they left me with Internet) so Tuesday when hopefully I can pay it I will make calls to sort the paperwork out and hopefully have that submitted within a couple of weeks. Then fingers crossed it doesn't take long from there and then I would say it is the exam. Which I have sat before and passed albeit before 3 kids sucked the life out of me lol.

Also have taekwondo grading Wednesday. Laura and Patrick are doing it as well. So madam will finally get her yellow belt. Patrick and I will get our 2nd stripe on our yellow belts. Another injury Wednesday. I was blocking a kick and have ended up with a massive bruise on my palm. I never really thought you could get a bruise on your palm. Live and learn hey!