I said right from the start how much I pretend that everything is ok in my life. I still do it. Even on here. I don't want people to think I spend my life in deep depression (which I don't) but i only seem to post on here when I am down. guess it helps me but I have been down playing it a bit I guess.
There are times when I just lie in bed crying. Crying because I am alone. Crying because it is so hard to convince myself I am worthy of someone to enter my life. That is so hard to believe when the guys in my life don't really want me. I am missing J desperately. Mainly because he was the one person I didn't pretend with. He knew everything. We talked for hours at a time, a few times a day. (yeah it made it hard to get stuff done) but after 2 years we were still doing that. That has to say something doesn't it. I think I deserve a guy who wants to meet me at least, who thinks the world of me. So why is it so hard to just wait for it to happen. I have never been held and told how beautiful I am. I have never been loved by a guy unconditionally. And in a way i wish I never started talking to J because over the 2 years we have been talking that is one of the things we talked about and he made me see it was possible. He was the one person I could be myself with and now that is gone. So here I am. I have made that many attempts to break away from J because he won't meet me that at this point he probably things that we will start talking again soon. But this time I am determined not to. Hopefully as G said last night he is sitting at home thinking what the hell have I done, she was really serious this time.
Speaking of G, he came around last night instead as he had his plans change. It was a nice night. (although the little voice in my head said why didn't he make a move on you. But we had in a round about way had already discussed it and I said I didn't want it to happen!) I fed him, fixed him up with some more promotional stuff for his business, which he was very very happy with, and he provided the chocolate. lol. It is funny, for a personal trainer he isn't that strict on his food and I wish I could have his attitude. Everything in moderation I guess. He loves chocolate so it wasn't very surprising that he brought some. But it was a nice night. It was nice to have him in my house sitting on my lounge and just watching tv etc. I even got a hug which I hadn't had for ages as I have been seeing him at the gym and can't sort of do that there lol.
well there we go. Today dad is picking me up and I am going to there place to help as the rest of their furniture has finally arrived. My car is off getting fixed. I did get a phone call yesterday when they said that they were thinking of writing my car off but managed to get out of that luckily as I didn't hear anymore from them.
Got my PT session tomorrow and I am looking forward to it but on the other hand I think he is going to kill me. I will be running again. G said my calf should be fine now so fingers crossed for that. I hate running though and told him last night but he said well you are doing it, you know how good it is for you. Yes sir lol.
out of here now. Oh for any ww readers here thank you so much for the chat last Friday, I enjoyed it so much and normally that would have been a night in bed crying due to the fact that my kids had left for the week and I was alone. It made me feel not so alone. lol
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