into the minds of men

Having a really really bad day today. Yeah yeah I know another whinge. But guess what you don't have to read this. This is for me so just piss off if you don't want to hear me go on about how crap I feel.

Today I was supposed to meet J. I really really thought it would happen this time. I just don't understand how someone can say all the things he did and then just do what he did. How can we talk for the lengths we did and the time frame we did and he just let me go? I have heard nothing from him and I just don't get it other than I was played. But why? 2 years?? What does he get out of it? He doesn't know I am sitting here in tears writing this. For all he knows I have met someone and he isn't in my mind at all. I just don't fucking get it. Well whatever it was I fell hook line and sinker and that is why I am sitting here in tears. By him just letting me go I know I meant nothing to him and shit that hurts. I know I never met him but we were talking for 2 years. Hours and hours each day on the phone. I am so hurt and I don't know how I am supposed to trust someone again. It was hard enough after Matt but I guess I needed the tlc that J offered and even at the end of the phone it was better than nothing. I feel so hurt, stupid and frustrated all rolled into one. And of course not forget worthless. And I am so sick of pretending that all of this doesn't bother me. I don't talk about it with anyone else. Out in the world according to family and friends my life is fine. Yeah I have no money and I struggle with being a single mum at times but no one knows how lonely I am, how I wish that some guy would love me for me and I could trust him and just be secure with him because I was the one for him. Honestly is that to much to ask after all the crap I have been through. Surely I am allowed to have that at least once in my life.

Shit fuck shit. Bloody shit. I just don't get it I really really don't. Roll on 5 when my babies come back home and the loneliness can subside a bit.