Bugger

I swore at the kids tonight. The big fat F word. I feel so awful but I had had enough. Let me paint the picture.....

Met dad at the mechanics at 7.30am. He drove me to work and then he took the kids with him to Bunnings to fill in time and then dropped them at school. I started work at 8.00am. Found out that I had not been paid and might get paid next week. More shifting boxes and fighting with glass shelving. Find out that the boss as wangled mine and a couple of others pay to go in and I may have it Friday. Meanwhile I have $7 in my account and I find out that Dan's have tried to take the money out for my uniforms. I finished at 4.00pm. Dad picks me up and tells me that the radiator was not damaged in the accident and it is just old age. $350. I have no money so have to humble myself yet again to ask for money. Go to school and sign the kids out of OSCH and sit in the car for an hour while Patrick is at cricket practice and Laura and Lachlan fight (literally). Lachlan also decides that he is going to go off at me because I don't want him swinging off the car door. So he gave me a whole mouthful of cheek and every time I dished out a punishment he would do another thing. Got home at about 6.20. We need to be at Taekwondo at 6.45. Sitting eating a bowl of cereal and the kids start fighting over the yoghurt. I lost it and yelled and told them I didn't want to put up with their crap and they need to fucking stop it. I can't believe I said it and I feel so bad but I know why I did. Because this is all full on.

Today has made me think that I can't do this. This whole working full time. But what choice do I have? I am studying, looking after 3 kids and trying to keep my house tidy as well as try and keep myself sane by giving myself time. But feel guilty when I do. I also haven't been to the gym since starting work and I miss it so much. I think it is just today. Wednesday suck. I work 8-4 tomorrow and then 9-2 Friday then the weekend off. My last day off was last Friday. I don't have the kids this weekend so I am sure I can fit in me time then. Tomorrow the kids go into OSCH in the morning then mum and dad pick them up after school, take them to swimming lessons. I will pick them up from there. Who knows what we are having for tea. I like my job so far, just today it has been one thing after another. Almost like oh hang on things are going smoothly, let me throw a spanner in again. We can't have things running smoothly.

I just need to calm down. Tomorrow I have to ring optus and tell them I will pay money and please please don't cut off my phone. I will tell my boss that yes they did try to take my money out for my uniforms and they will have to wait until I get paid. Deep breaths deep breaths.