Nothing has changed.

Still feeling the same. Yuk and yuk and yuk. Work is good at the moment as it takes my mind of shit. I haven't had the kids this week and it has been good. Just come home and go to bed.

Last night I met a guy who I went to school with. We caught up on facebook. Turns out his parents live not far from me. It was nice to catch up. The only catch is that he is married yet his marriage is on its last legs and they are just holding out till Christmas. So he is txting me a lot etc. Which is all nice of course but he is unavailable. He keeps flirting a little which again is nice but not good. even if he does split with his wife I don't want someone straight out of a 13 year marriage. So I am keeping him at arms distance etc. But like in school we get on well and of course i like the attention. But on the other hand it upsets me as I just feel shit because only people like that want me. It is only because he and his wife are at each other and my life etc looks pretty good. I am under no illusions. Hence keeping him at bay. He wanted to catch up again this morning but i said no.

So yeah it is still sucky. I still haven't even put the Christmas tree up and still don't want to. NO doubt the kids will want to though.

So sorry there is not much more news. But basically my life is shit. I work I sleep. When the kids come home I will work. I will come home negotiate fights and then sleep. How exciting huh?

over it over it over it.

I have had enough. I am sick of everything. I just want to sleep until all the bad bits are over. And considering I have been saying that for many many years I don't see it happening anytime soon.


I can't believe I am at this point again in my life where I just so foul and yuk. Totally worthless and just a big fat nothing.

I don't want to do christmas. Ha what am I talking about I am not doing christmas anyway. M has fucked it all up yet again and I see the kids from 4pm Christmas day and then they go back to his house 10am the next morning. Christmas will be spent alone. Which is probably just as well.

Life sucks it really really does and I am over it.

Yes it has been a while

So yes I know it has been quite a while. I guess I just haven't been in the mood to right anything.

So where to start? I am guessing with Mr 25. Things are going well. I still have my doubts. I do not trust at all. Which makes things really really hard for him. He knows how I feel. We went out a couple of weeks ago and had a great weekend. He met the kids last Sunday and that all went well. We have been spending all this weekend together as well. So what are the problems?

He does live so far away and of course has no bloody licence. I hate that. He is relying on trains and buses. Another thing has cropped up as well which means I no longer have all my weekends free. (I will go into that in a minute) So therefore he is concerned he is not going to see me as much and we are not seeing each other that much now. He was worried that I would keep my walls up for to long. But they are coming down. Albeit slowly. But now I know he is really concerned about not seeing me as much. So now I just feel it slipping away. Just after I let my heart open up a bit. It is really killing me and I have decided that I will speak to him tonight about it.

The reasons my weekends are no longer all going to be free? I got the trainee managers job. I will be staying at the store I am now. It starts on the 23rd. I know that there are going to be people that are going to be pissed off with this, especially as the other service trainee manager is leaving to another store. He is really well liked and respected. More so than i am in certain people's eyes. So it is going to be an interesting time that is for sure. I only found out yesterday so it is not well known yet.

So that is basically all that is happening at the moment. I am just plodding along not doing much really.

Oh and just for the record. A never came and did my brakes. Never got back in contact. I am going to have to contact him at some point as he has a key to my house and has a dvd of mine that I want back. I am not looking forward to dealing with it all. Especially knowing it is a problem apparently being friends.

Also like to say

That my children have been the most horrible, selfish, fighting, disrespectful children that ever lived and I have had the worst weekend because of that. I suck at being a mum and at the moment I hate it. Being a single mum is the worst job in the world and I want to quit. I am so over everything. Life really shouldn't be this hard it really shouldn't. I want out.

So now what

So yeah he has a girlfriend. I went around there and he never said a word. We were good. He kissed me. Peck on the lips. We play fought. Have I said all this already? Anyway then I find out about the girlfriend.

So he was going to do my brakes today. I txt him Friday saying what time. He told me he wasn't sure has he was going to a party the night before and didn't know what state he would be in. I replied with no worries it is daylight savings so it didn't matter if it was late. I txt him yesterday with no reply saying I have the brakes. I will be home all day and I will see him when I see him Sunday. It is now nearly 6.30 and he is not here and has not contacted me. Why do I deserve to be treated like this. I am so pissed off at him.

Now to the other news. I went back on the dating site. And broke my rule. I accepted contact with a 25 year old. And we have freaking hit it off. I don't know what to do. We have been talking all yesterday and a lot of today. He lives an hour and half away which sucks especially as he lost his licence for dui. Arghhh. Everything else is great though.

G has told me to take it steady this time and I want to but it is really hard when this guy is so nice. I don't trust what he says. And he knows that but shit it is still nice to hear, especially from a young guy. We have web cammed it a couple of times. All clean of course. And he has seen me at my worst. First thing in the morning. It is freaking me out really. I have thrown everything at him. Every negative thing I can think of. Sort of like if he knows it all and decides to back out now I won't be as hurt as much. Rather than he gets it later and then runs when I am in deep.

I am angry and upset at A. I don't want him back for the simple reason I can't trust him. And now I can't trust any guy. All my insecurities are just screaming and then add to that that this guy is 10 years younger than me. Why oh why would he want me. He says he wants a woman who has her feet on the ground and won't mess him around. I did inform him that older women do that as well I am sure. But there you go. I don't want to hurt him but I need to look out for me as well and remember that. He is so nice though. Lol just like A was. I love it when we talk but I just don't trust it as well.

He is down this way tomorrow so he is popping into work. But we have our first date on Saturday. Breakfast. It is a bit different this time given we have sort of met because of the camera. But even so. I just do not know what I am doing. No clue.

How quickly I mean nothing

A has a new girlfriend. Met her a week and a half ago. He has even come off the dating site. Never did that for me. Just goes to show how much I meant to him.

don't want to be here

So just do not want to be here. Already my weekend looms ahead full of loneliness and nothingness. I knew this would happen. I just want to pack up and go away. Realistically though I know it will be the same everywhere but least I would be away from A.

I don't know what is going on. Well I guess I do. We are friends. He txt me before I got on the plan, and we have been in contact while I have been away. But I want more than that. He offered me so much and then just took it all away. I am supposed to be catching up with him at some point hopefully tonight but I am so stressed about it. I don't want to know if he is seeing other girls but I do want to know. I don't know how it is going to be around him. I haven't seen him since he ended the relationship.

I am just sick of it all. I do want someone in my life and I just can't see it happening. I hate feeling like this. I wish in a way I had never met A because he showed me what could happen and then it feels like I can't ever have it.

I am over pretending but what else can I do? No one who hasn't not been in this situation can ever even attempt to understand it. And most people around me haven't been in this situation.

I am so so very over this.


Queensland was great. The kids drove me insane but I did knew they would. But it was fantastic. It was so good to see Raina again. And I met one of her daughters as well which was good. It was nice to be able to relax and chat. The kids had a great time. We are all so very tired. I do just want to pack up and move away from here. Just to start again. Yes it is called running away. But even though that is not an option it feels like the only one I have and I don't even have that at the moment. That doesn't make sense but it does to me.

Struggling

Just seem to be having a bad day today. I am excited about going to Qld and seeing Raina. But I don't want to come home to my life as it is now.

I was just at the shops. Because it is school holidays there are all these families there and it just hurt so much because I don't have that. I want so much to settle down with someone who loves me and the kids. Who wants to be with me. And just everything that goes with that. I thought A was that. He told me he wanted that with me. And of course that turned to crap and what he said and what he really meant were two different things.

I want someone to miss me while i am gone. I want to receive the lovely txt messages while I am away saying I am thinking of you. All the things that A did. Until about 2 weeks before it ended. I am still grappling with what happened. We were so good when we were together. How can it all just turn to crap? I just can't stop thinking about him and it all.

To make matters worse I saw a lady that looked like my nana at the shops and I realised how much I miss her has well. Just to sit and talk to her. She would tell me everything was going to be ok.

It is the good thing about going away with Raina. Least she understands. No one else does here. So it is the whole pretend game happening. There is no point saying anything because people really have no clue how hard it is to be alone. To not have the one person in your life that is your life. Yes I probably sound pathetic but all those that are thinking that are probably the ones who have that person. Yes they may go away for work etc but least you know they love you and are there for you. I don't have that.

I haven't cried for ages so perhaps I just needed a good cry? I don't know. But just right now even though I am taking the kids on their first holiday by ourselves I feel like shit. I then feel guilty because I feel like I shouldn't feel like this because really ever other part of my life is good. But there you go. I want someone in my life. I want someone who does all the things that A did. You know that list? I want that again.

Ploding along

Not much happening really. I am doing ok. I have my ups and downs.

Monday J took me to Goolwa and Pt Elliot for the day which was lovely. Brought way to many second hand books but oh well.

Tuesday I went to see District 9 with G. That was interesting, both the movie and G. He has so much crap happening that makes my life look simple lol.

Friday I finally caught up with Keri from work. (she works at another store now) That was really good. We gossiped about work. M is leaving work. He is the manager I just really really do not get along with. However, another girl is coming in who has a bit of a reputation, for sleeping around with the guys at work and for throwing her weight around. So not sure how it is going to go.

Got the kids back yesterday. They are about normal. Not to bad. Lachlan is his usual argumentative self. Today we had a breakthrough though. He went and accepted his 7 minute timeout without fuss. That was amazing. Normally he argues and it gets out of hand.

So that is about it really. I know A is not really doing much. He took offense at being called a shit on facebook. I didn't call him a shit just men in general. So that came out a bit. But I know from facebook he is not doing much. Just chatting to old army friends I think. So hopefully he is getting a bit bored without me around.

When I come back from Qld I will just go around there one day. See what happens. We are supposed to be friends. Both Keri and G think that he will come back at some point. I am not holding my breath.

Three more sleeps until Qld. I do not know how I am getting through the next few days. I have had to spend money on clothes and shoes for the kids so that is more money I am not taking away. But with the theme parks and the waterfalls in the national park I want to see I should get by fairly cheaply. (just have to make sure there is enough money for the cocktails hehehe)

Feeling crappy

So I give up with A. I don't know if he txt me last week accidentally or what. I txt him last night to see if he wanted to go to the movies and no reply. I txt again today. Again no reply. So fine. He doesn't want me well he doesn't have me.

I am hurt, angry and upset. I hate feeling like this and do not know how I am going to trust what a guy says anymore. It will all turn to crap regardless. And yet I want to settle down with a nice man so much. I hate being alone.


My boys night was great. I did get very drunk. But didn't pass out or lose control. I did nothing that I wouldn't have done sober. Apart from maybe showing them a couple of photos of me that I had sent A. No nudity but there was cleavage. But probably wouldn't have shown them if sober.

It was a really good night though. To see these guys do sing star with disney songs was so funny. I didn't even know most of them but they did lol. They were good for my ego. Complimenting me etc. We ended up on the couch and J and I fell asleep. Which sucked for M because he had to go home lol. He got out the mattress for me to sleep on. Turned the heater on and lights out. Very sweet. The next morning I felt foul though. I ended up vomiting. Felt better after that. But that was a sign of how drunk I was. Not done that in years.

I also caught up with G Friday as well. I am seeing him Tuesday to go to the movies seeing how A isnt' going to. I feel like txting A back saying well don't worry about it I am going with someone else. But I won't.

I can't wait for Qld. To just be able to pretend that is all there is in the world. The people around me and the place I am in. I can't wait.

How is that for a quick update. I just feel foul. I feel worthless, used, and just generally crappy. So lucky this even got done really.

Bits and Pieces

So I am having a boys night! How funny is that? J from work is on holidays at the moment. Anyway we have organised for me to get totally drunk. He has never seen me drunk and also I said I have never been that drunk that I have lost control, passed out or forgotten what I did while drunk. So the challenge is on. Lol. The boys will lose.

I have mentioned that I am a bit pissed off with people at work and the gossip. If I was a guy, my friendship with J wouldn't matter but because I am female there is so much crap attached to it. I hate it. J and a couple of others have been great. A good distraction.

On the work front in regards to the promotion I have more information. I spoke to the manager today about other things and it came up about me. He said he spoke to the area manager today and I am on the shortlist. He also said that if I got it I would more than likely stay at the store I am at now!!! Area manager did say that I must realise though that I would have to move at some stage. But the store manager went into bat for me saying that yes she does but with her young kids etc etc. I said to store manager that I thought they didn't promote in store. He said that it has happened a couple of times. My suggestion was that I boss enough people around that no one would notice a difference. Store manager laughed and said yeah that is what he thought as well!!!

Out of no where A txt me today. "hey there hows things, finally in an area with reception, moving on to another small town now with no coverage, so I thought I'd say hi sweet. Take care and ill chat soon" Now there is nothing to read into calling me sweet as he calls many people that. That is just him. But the fact that he has contacted me is a big thing for me. It means that even if he does not want to be in a relationship he does at least want me in his life still. I like that idea.

So I am going to have the boys night Friday. I am going to a party with M (Adam's friend) on Saturday night. Monday I am having a girly day with Jane. Movies, window shopping or the like. I am supposed to be catching up with K and then also G at some point as well. So hopefully that will fill my week enough that I am not sitting around feeling sorry for myself to much.

Qld is coming up quick. I am going to have to start working out with the kids are taking in clothes and what clothes I need to buy them. I need some new shoes to take as well. I only have thongs for summer. I think I need more than that. Really can't wait to catch up with Raina again. It is going to be great.

Day of surprises

I am really sad. A is away so even if everything was ok he would still be away. But I don't get the txt or anything. But as I said to K at work today, I wasn't getting them anyway. So the choice was I shut up and not say anything and be unhappy in a relationship or I push for answers and the relationship ending. So I guess this is the better because realistically long term I don't want to be in a crappy relationship.

The jury is still out as to what is going on in his head. I could ring M and ask if she spoke to him but really what is the point. I will be speaking to her at some stage and I will find out then if he is ok. Or if it is all just crap and he just does not want to be with me. I am basically telling myself that is the case but my heart still is clinging desperately to the hope that maybe there. I hate that. I hate that I am making myself feel like this for the sake of a guy.

Jane an old friend of mine who I don't see very often (my fault as I feel she has her own family etc and I shouldn't impose) invited me over yesterday. She gave me a big hug when I got there and I just dissolved into tears. I told her what went on and before I could say it she said it sounded like he was depressed. But for once I was totally honest and didn't pretend I was fine. I told her how I just felt so alone and worthless. That it was really hard to be positive about yourself when surrounded by the negative of rejection all the time. It is really hard for someone else to understand. Especially someone who has never experienced it and is happily married. But it was nice to say it to someone sitting in front of me and now she knows.

We are catching up next week. Having a girly day. Which is so nice of her to arrange. We are seeing a movie or window shopping or something but she arranged to be kid free and do something. I was just happy going to her place and talking again.

The other thing was guys from work. I txt J today one of the trainee managers. He is on holidays and when he comes back I am on holidays so I txt him about something to do with work and it just went from there. We ended up txting all day. He and I have always gotten on well together. Just able to talk and verbally spar a lot. We make each other laugh. He is only a young guy but we just get on well together. Anyway we are catching up next week, with another guy from work. I said to J that he had made me laugh and feel a bit better and thanked him. He responded with that is what he was there for and I could come over anytime and cry watching chick flicks and drink his beer. I was so shocked at that. lol of course this will fuel the rumours even more at work. We both get a bit of ribbing at work now saying we have the hots for one another. It pisses me off a bit as it is not like that and never ever will be. But people can't see passed that. Especially when a couple of them don't actually like J.

Another surprised I had was Mel from Osch said we should get together for a drink or go for a walk or something next week. She and I have always chatted a bit and we have similar backgrounds but me being me never made it anything other than her just looking after my kids and her son being friends with mine despite the fact that they go to different schools. So I guess she thinks that we could be friends as well and the fact I am getting another friend is really good.

So although originally excited about my holidays off because it meant more time with A they then loomed up with a week of me being at home with nothing to do but watch chick flicks and me crying. So now I have my day with Jane, my night with the boys, I am catching up with G at some point, I am also getting together with K, who I used to work with and now catching up with Mel. I am hoping that I will catch up with M as well, then I will get the goss on A as well.

I am hoping that all of that will help to keep my mind off A and from over thinking everything. I can't wait for Qld so I can catch up properly with Raina. I am looking forward to lazy days. Of course we are doing the theme parks but the kids are going to have to take those days and accept lazy days as well. I do not have a huge amount of spending money for this trip and also I want the lazy days to sit and chat with Raina. Bring it all on.

Fingers crossed this week I find out about the trainee manager position as well.

I only cried twice typing this out.

why....

Why does it just feel like I am not good enough. Even if what A has said is true, why aren't I good enough for him to say Hang in there for me. I want you here for the bad stuff I am going through as well as the good.

Fuck this all just sucks and is not fair. Why do men do this? Lets face it.... he doesn't want a relationship with me. If he did he would have one regardless. Hey I have read he is just not that into you.

But in the mean time I am hurting. I want to settle down with a guy and I honestly thought he was the one. He did want to at the start. How on earth can people say it is the guy not you when this keeps happening to me? Doesn't anyone see that? How can I believe in myself when every relationship I have had ends like this? Negative is all I have known and I have glimpses of good stuff only to have it snatched from me. As if to say... this is what the good people get. You can't have it though. You just get the crap.

How on earth am I to believe anything else?

Work

So why is it that one part of my life is going to crap and another goes well?

I have been put up for promotion. I am on the list for trainee manager. The store manager has put my name up for it. Of course there are other people from other stores up for it as well. The store manager seems pretty convinced though I am up there to get it. He has been getting me learning everything, including payroll and the morning works. He came up to me the other morning and asked me if I wanted to play manager for the morning. On the other hand though he said he didn't want me to get promoted because that means I leave the store!!

Mid Oct there are heaps of changes happening amongst the store. The store managers are not moving but the service and perhaps the trainee managers will all be moving around. Just to give you an idea we have one store manager, one service manager, one stock manager and two trainee managers. Of course I am away during that time on holidays. I will be calling work believe me to find out what the hell is happening.

If I get the position it does mean I move stores. I will hate that. I also don't know which store I will move to. Noarlunga is the closest to me and that is 20 minutes away. Marion is the next one which would be a further 20 minutes away. Of course it also means I work all hours. I would do a six day week one week. I would do open and closes and work weekends. But having said that I would get paid more.

Having said all that I am not that fussed if I don't get it because I am happy with what I am doing and where I am doing it.

I spoke to K about it. She used to work at Noarlunga and then took a trainee position to Marion last year. She doesn't regret it and says go for it. But I won't if it is further away than Marion. I can't do that to the kids. It wouldn't be fair.

the story

If I don't do this now I never will. Prepare for a long one. After it all hit the fan last time with it all being fine and all. We had a great weekend. We all. S, M, A and I all went out to Anthems. It was a good night. We didn't get home until 4am. A and I slept until 4pm. We finally got up and had some breakfast lol. We went to the movies Saturday night and saw the Ugly Truth. It was an ok movie. It was funny. When then went for a drive around and ended up in a Hungry Jacks at 1am and sat and talked for an hour. We got back to my place and went to bed about 2.30am. The Sunday was spent sleeping and then dozing in front of the tv. Mum and dad came home and we were supposed to go and see them but A was feeling ill again and he ended up going home.

I then heard nothing again, during the week. I finally spoke to him Thursday and he assured me all was fine. And that I would look into getting a room somewhere for a night away. He mentioned that he may be going to Melbourne for the weekend to see the football. I then heard nothing until Sunday. I tried to get in contact but nothing. He txt me on the Sunday night and said he had needed some space and we didn't need to be in each others pockets. I agreed with him and he was ok with it until I said I needed to say some stuff but wanted to do it in person. So we made arrangements to catch up.

I went around there Monday night. We talked about the fact that he felt that I wanted to spend every minute with him. (which I did because I liked him) and that he needed space. I told him that I needed to hear from him and hated that he couldn't even txt me and say hey babe thinking of you or the like. So I felt we had sorted stuff out and we had a good time mucking around and stuff. This was just the Monday gone.

Then nothing. I txt him Tuesday and nothing. I had my stupid allergic reaction thing on Thursday night and I txt him. I also tried ringing. I then emailed him when I got home. I said that basically I was sick of this shit. I needed to know what was going on. I didn't understand what was happening. Whether he was just giving up. He was non communicative and distant but when we were together we were fine. I needed him to tell me the truth and not be crappy. I wanted to know because if he didn't want to be with me then I didn't want to waste his time or mine.

So 3am I get a txt. He had just gotten home. He told me that he couldn't be bothered doing anything or wanted to be with anyone. He didn't know what was wrong with him and that he didn't want to be in a relationship. He didn't know what he wanted.

I txt him during the day saying i didn't like his decision but I would respect it. (a long version of that) Of course there was no response.

When I got home he had been there to drop off a dish that I had taken to his house and a cd. He had collected his DVD's. He didn't leave the key though.

I went to M's that afternoon. I told her what had been going on.How he had been. How even S his house mate had noticed a change in him. She said it sounded like he was depressed. I would have to agree with her. I stayed at her place for a while. It was good. It was nice to talk to someone who has been through similar things to me. She is a lot stronger than I am. Emotionally. She is ok with being single and is happy to stay that way to avoid that crap that goes with being in a relationship. I wish I could be like that.

Anyway at about 10pm I went to A's house. Not knowing what to expect when I got there. He was basically out of it. Asleep on the couch. He woke up a little when I got there and then went back to sleep. I just sat and watched You've Got Mail which was on. He woke up and we just talked a little. Just about nothing that mattered. I ended up staying the night. No cuddles in the night but then he was pretty out of it. He was knackered.

In the morning we ended up talking. After of course having a some fun. He really isn't happy. He doesn't want to be with anyone. Assures me that there is no one else. I told him that he had hurt me. We are still friends. I still have my cinema partner. I of course cried on and off. I told him that when we first met he told me he wanted someone who wasn't picky, that didn't go on looks alone and want to be with someone because they were a good person. He remembered that. I said to him that did he realise he found that with me. He agreed.

When we finally got out of bed, I had to go. He hugged me a lot and said that I knew where he was. I could still come around. When we went outside he put his arms around me. We talked a little more. I said to him that I thought I had found the one with him. His response was to pull me tighter and say that we didn't know what was going to happen. I also told him that he knew didn't he, that he would never find anyone as good as I am. He laughed and said 100% sure of that. "no 110% right" he wouldn't.

So here I am sitting at home back to watching DVD's alone again. I spoke to M again and told her what was going on. She is convinced he is suffering depression. She told me last night that 3 years ago he went through a similar thing just before he ended up in hospital due to high blood pressure. She is going to talk to him. As I said to him. Even if we aren't together I don't want to see him like this.

I of course still don't know if he is just saying all this to not hurt my feelings or he really is just not wanting to be with anyone. I spoke to S and he has noticed a difference in A as well. So perhaps it is as A says it isn't just me it is all his friends he has no desire to be with. He said he was glad he had work because that is all he wanted to do.

My plan? Just step right back. But be in his life. I hope that M and I become good friends because I need that.

I nearly didn't write all this out but decided to for the simple fact I want to look back on this and remember it. I don't know why. But I do.

I am sick of having my heart broken. I hate having to start all over again. It feels different to when I split with D. I don't know how. Or even how to explain it but it does feel different.

Well yet again.....

it has all turned to crap. I can't be bothered going into it. Nothing has been said so I don't really know but I guess that is the point...nothing has been said. Bit hard to when he won't even communicate with me when we are not together.

SO over the uncertainty of it all and am basically saying it is done. It shouldn't be this hard.

men suck

that is all

Getting my head right......

So....lol geez. I got a txt from M late last night saying she had been thinking and didn't want to get involved with A and I relationship. That is fine. I have no drama with that at all. I just don't know what M has said to A.

But anyway. After having no contact today despite the fact I rang and txt I was starting to get pissed off. I finally got hold of him at about 7pm. Everything is fine. Seriously fine. He brought up about the dumping thing. M had said that. Yeah thanks M. (I think it is better she stays out of it as well really lol) So we ended up talking about things. I didn't bring up the dating site thing for a bit though. I told him that I wanted to settle down. I wanted to be with someone who loved and respected me and wanted to be with me forever. Blah blah. He said he wanted the same. Then the dating thing came up. I don't know if M told him or if he really did figure it out that he had been suckered in. Either way we spoke about it and like he said he has always been up front about it etc. Which he has. He has no interest in being with these women. He has a girlfriend and that is me.

He spins me out. He was so calm, and fine with it all. He did say that he has felt a bit smothered lately. I get that. That is my insecurities. I think I will say to him that if he ever feels smothered there must be something going on in my head and I am worried about us.

I am just sitting here thinking that I can't believe he didn't get angry. I have never been around someone like this.

So what it comes down to is this.....I need to chill. I need be secure in the fact that this man wants to be with me. And although I may not hear from him sometimes it doesn't matter. It means that he is busy. Work changed and he didn't get home until 5am and as such he has slept through my txt.

A few other things have happened with work etc but I am tired. This is the first chance since getting home I have actually sat down for longer than 5 minutes. And I am actually in bed about to go to sleep.

I could say all is right with the world now but I have friends who are hurting so all is not right with the world. And I wish I could fix things for them as easily as I can for myself.

Weighing it up

So I don't think I have mentioned that A has been this whole time on the dating site. Mainly I guess because it worries me so much and is a massive feeding ground for my insecurities.

We have spoken about it many times. Even his friend, who is now my friend as well, has spoken to him about it.

(just as an aside, I have just taken my work shoes off. For some reason they stink. Never noticed it before. I am sitting cross legged on my bed, perhaps that is why. They are closer to my nose???)

Anywho, he knows how much I hate it. It gets brought up every so often. And he continually assures me I have nothing to worry about. He is not D and all is well.

I have hardly seen him because of him being so sick and then this week he has been very distant, with barely any contact. It all came to a head last night when long story short he got set up for the want of better words, on the dating site. He told this woman that he was looking for ....blah blah. He went on about how he is always honest etc etc.

Needless to say I am pretty upset about it. Raina was my first point of call and she helped me heaps. I then spoke to M. She was shocked. She has known A for 8 years and said this is so not him. I am at this point convinced he is going to ditch me and he is in the process of finding someone new.

He was going to meet me for lunch but cancelled on me. Of course. I got him to ring me after that txt and just played it all light and asked about Friday as I have no kids. It was all fine. He was just his normal self and we talked for a while. Making plans.

I later get a txt saying what is this about me dumping you? Seems M spoke to him. I haven't spoken to A since so who knows. But he knows I talk to M about the dating site etc so not to worry.

The question now to be asked is what do I do. The two people who I have spoken to about it that I value their advice have said it doesn't sound like him and it is not normal. And it does go against everything I know of this wonderful man. But the point is still that he is on this site and I hate it.

M told me that A has never dumped anyone. I would believe that. He also doesn't like being smothered. So I guess I will do what the girls have said. Not to stress just bring it up. I think I will just say it is a problem what can we do about it.

He is such a wonderful man and this is just not me saying it. M has known him for 8 years and she says the same. You can't fool someone for 8 years and it fits with him never dumping anyone.

My part in this I am going to settle down. I don't know what the deal is I really don't. People are agreeing it is out of the norm for him. I am going to enjoy what I have with him. Accept that he is a bloke and as a result is slack in doing txt messages etc. I am going to back off a bit. Just to give myself space I think. And to show him I don't need him.

I have found a good friend in M and I think I will go out with her a bit now. I would go out Friday but given I haven't seen A for so long I do think we need a night home. (or at his house as the case is Friday)

So yeah I have not got my happy ending yet. I have more insight into this man I am seeing. And I guess I am just viewing this as a hiccup. As Raina said he is holding onto to this for a few reasons. Time will tell. Lol how many times do I have to say that. But as normal you all will be kept informed.

Little snots

I honestly believe that I have the most selfish, ungrateful, fighting children that ever existed.

They do nothing around the house unless I am on at them 100 times to do it. The fight constantly. I really don't want to be around them. They are really horrible and I don't know what to do about it.

They really do not give a shit unless it concerns them. Last Tuesday when I was really sick, the sickest I have ever been in my life, They were horrible. I was sorting out fights from my bed, not one of them asked if their was anything they could do for me. In fact they asked if they were still going swimming.

They wonder why I yell all the time. Well I certainly do not start off yelling but it gets to that point when they constantly do not do what they are told.

Patrick's job is to do the dishes. They need to be done before 7.30 at night. He is hopeless at doing it. I even said at about 6.45 dishes are all here. And I get the I know said in a real yuk voice. Hour later he still hadn't done them and wondered why I was angry. He thinks he helps out. He doesn't. He empties the bins and does the dishes. When I tell him to. That is it. He is 12.

Am I setting the bar to high? Do I have unrealistic expectations? All I know is that I am so run down my body is getting sick and I am not getting better very quickly. How bad is that I just do not want my kids at the moment? They have pushed me and pushed me and I am ashamed. I hate going out with them because I am ashamed.

I am in tears because I don't know what to do. I want nice kids. I want kids that just don't fight that much. I want kids who actually appreciate everything I do for them and don't just see it as my job so I should be doing it. I know they are out there. I have seen it. Other people's kids are not as bad as mine. I know that for a fact. So it comes down to the fact that I am a failure as a parent and I don't know what to do.

Sick of being sick

I have the flu again. I feel so disgusting it is not funny. Last night I was at A's and I was a mess. I had a fever, headache and aches and pains. A was wonderful as normal. Getting cold flannels to put on my forehead. He had cooked a roast and although I had some I couldn't eat it all. But it was so yummy.

So I had my operation on Thursday. All went well, aside for me freaking out. I also took a long time to come out of the anesthetic, same as last time. A waited until I went in and then came back when it was done. It was only day surgery so it was quick. I will say it again. A was wonderful, looking after me. He even brought the washing in and folded it all for me.

Friday we went to the central market again. It was really good but I got worn out really quickly. It was good to come home and cuddle up with him and eat all our food we brought and watch a movie.

Saturday night we went to the casino for one of A's friends birthday. 5 of us all went down in the one car. It was a nice night. We had dinner. I met a few more of A's friends. And had him making comments in response to one of the other guys talking about his current girlfriend. A made the comment along the lines of the guy must have second best because A had the best looking girlfriend. I am pretty sure I went bright red. But it was so nice to hear that.

After dinner we went to the night club area. M a friend of A's had a nose bleed, so I went with her to the loo's to help her. She had had it operated on earlier in the week. Long story short it didn't stop bleeding. So A, S (A's house mate) and myself took her to the hospital. We were there from about 1 am until 7am. It wasn't to bad as we all just kept laughing at stupid things.

When we finally left we stopped at Macs and got breakfast then home to bed. So tired. Then of course when we got up about 4pm I started going down hill from there.

My glands are up so much they are causing me a great deal of pain. All I want to do it go to sleep but of course with three kids I can't do that.

Happy but stressed... what is up with that?

I have had a niggly little headache for a few days now. I only came to the conclusion that it is a stress headache. The silly thing is I am happy. Yes there is crap in my life but I am not dwelling on it etc. But I thought back and realised that this has happened before.

So the stresses in my life. Well the kids for one. OMG they were horrible last weekend. I am surprised that A wants to still see me they were so feral. Things have changed in the house a lot since then. Only today have they been allowed to watch tv and there has been a big improvement. Patrick did lie about something yesterday. Long story but I was calm and stuck to my guns even though I nearly believed him and felt guilty. He ended up telling the truth.

The other thing is I have my surgery tomorrow. That of course is freaking me out. Add to that I am over a week late with my period. Now I have been on the pill so in reality I can't be pregnant. Well I can be but it is unlikely. But I am still a bit concerned. I have done three pregnancy tests. All negative. Now in all the times I have done pregnancy tests I have never had a negative one when I was indeed pregnant. So that is a relief. But does not solve the problem as to why I do not have my period when I am normally so on time.

And yes my insecurities are unfounded. On the weekend I really tried hard to step back and it was ok. The kids being so horrible really didn't help me though. At one point I said to him you really are not going anywhere are you regardless of my kids. He just said of course not and hugged me.

Monday night on the other hand was great. We were just together. We visited a friend in hospital. Then went and got Chinese for dinner and back to his house. We watched top gear then Flash of Genius. Good movie but I did fall asleep. But that was me not the movie. I was tired. It was just a nice night. Nothing nicer than waking up in the night to A just kissing my shoulder as he is rolling over. He said he sleeps really well when I am in his bed which is nice.

Anyway the outcome of this is that I am making a real effort to put my stupid insecurities behind me. And it is working. I just really concentrate on all the good stuff all the time.

So I am decided that this weekend I am making an effort to chill and try and destress. A said it should start tomorrow but I will freak out about the surgery first. Then I guess it can start but I still have the kids, but A will be here so perhaps that will help. We are doing nothing on the weekend other than a party at the casino on Saturday if I am up to it. Which I am sure I will be.

Bloody insecurities

I don't know if time will solve my insecurities or not. I can but hope I guess. I have been in years of relationships that have been crap and filled with insecurities so it stands to reason that nearly three months is not going to be enough to make it all ok.

The situation that caused this little burst of insecurities? A had been ringing me basically everyday. I have not seen him a lot the last couple of weeks due to him being away and him working nights this week and I am missing him but I understand. Anyway, I was feeling a bit ordinary today and I rang him to have a chat because I knew that he would cheer me up. I rang and then rang again a few hours later. I figured that he probably was asleep. I tried a couple of times after as he is a slacko when it comes to listening to his messages. But then it got to the point where I thought I can't ring again as it will be stalker material, but I was starting to freak out a bit. Imagining him finding someone else, being dead, deciding he didn't like me anymore. All of those stupid things.

I txt him this afternoon. He rang back a while after that. He had basically been asleep all day as he hadn't gone to bed until nearly 5am because of work. Then he was just slack in checking his phone. There was nothing for me to worry about. He was just his normal self. He said I should have popped around after work like I sometimes do. But I didn't feel like I could because lol hey I was imagining him in bed with someone else. And yet realistically I know that is not going to happen.

Now this is my problem. I am much better than what I was, I know that. It is only on days like these where I don't hear from him that I worry. When I have no idea if he is just sleeping or what the story is. A knows I have these insecurities and I know enough to not put it on him much. But he does understand and he has seen me get better with it. So I guess it is just time and he has said that to me. So while there is improvement happening, then I should be ok with that and not stress about it.

Regardless I am falling for this guy. And I know he feels the same. The reason I know he feels the same? "I miss you babe and I am falling deeper and deeper the more I am with you" A txt message from the other day.

Yes I made you all vomit again.

Happy but ripped off

A came home Saturday. This will be a little to much info but hey you can all stop reading. But I bet you don't!!! I met him at the door in new lingerie and high heels. So of course time was spent in the bedroom for a bit. We both missed each other so much. Especially for the latter part of the week he was at the gold mine and had no phone reception.

It was so nice to have him home. But I feel ripped off a bit that I didn't get all my weekend with him. Bless him He basically came straight here. Didn't unpack his car and only left my place today after about 12.30. The bugger went back to sleep after I left.

One thing he said to me though was that he wanted "this forever". I didn't really get what he meant. And he said "us, I want us forever" How lovely is that? He just blows me away with the things he says and the things he does. We have fun together and shit stir each other. Just being together, not doing things together but just being near each other is great. Walking around the shop yesterday he put his arm around me and pulled me close and whispered in my ear how deeply he was falling for me. Just out of the blue, walking around a shop! I have just never encountered this before and it really does just blow me away.

There is a downside is I miss him when he is gone. This week I probably won't see him until Friday or Saturday because it looks like he is working nights. Anyway he is wonderful. He makes me feel so special and beautiful and constantly tells me how sexy I am. Regardless of what I am wearing. I am often in my flannelette pjs watching TV at night. He doesn't care. He will just cuddle me and tell me how much he loves being with me.

Yeah ok. You can all stop throwing up now. I will stop.

So after ending up with 3 days off work last week, I am off tomorrow as well now. Lachlan now has this stupid flu thing. I am so over it. I have my operation next week and I swear I am out of sick leave. Don't know what I will do. I do hate having the time off work because no one else really knows how to do my job.

OH well I has better go and get dinner I guess. No taewkondo tonight because of Lachlan so for once I am cooking a half decent meal with vegetables to no less!

The good times roll on...

The weekend just gone was A's birthday do. I ended up asking Matt to look after the kids for the night. I feel guilty about it even now but I am glad I did. It meant I could stay longer and not worry about kids.

It was really nice to meet more of A's friends and family. It was also interesting to see him stressing a little bit. I got there at about 2.30 I guess and people were told it started at 4pm. He was in the process of cooking a feast. He had 2 chickens in the oven, roast lamb and beef in the webber with the typical roast veg with it. A tuna bake, spag bog, his spinach dip and other nibbles happening. I couldn't believe how much food he had. He was still going at about 6pm I guess with the food. Although he would go out to everyone once in a while he was mainly in the kitchen. He wasn't stressed stressed but it is hard to describe. Just suffice to say that I have never seen him like that and it was interesting that is for sure. All good. It was just funny to see him like that when he is normally so cool and calm.

I had met a couple of A's friends before but it was nice to see them again and spend more time with them talking. Especially M. She was great. It was really good talking to her. It was interesting talking to her about A as well. She has known him for about 8 years and they were together for a while but it didn't work out. They are better friends. But she said that he really really likes me and wants me in his future. We talked about my insecurities. And she made the comment that if I pulled back I would see his insecurities. She also said that he really wants to get to know my kids more and be in their lives.

A and I were talking the next morning. I didn't want to turn back into a mum again. Was just feeling a bit down as I wasn't in the mood for fighting kids. Anyway he said it wouldn't be long before they would come to his house etc. (he shares a house so it is all a bit hard) That he wouldn't take any crap from them and they would be told if need be. Sounds funny typing it all out but it was nice.

He is already starting to make the kids step. Lachlan came up to me the other day wanting me to open something. As I took it from Lachlan A said "please!" because Lachlan hadn't said it. Just little things like that. A's friend M works with kids and she said something to me that made sense to me. The boys may be trying to be the man of the house. I don't think it is so much with Lachlan but with Patrick yes. Things like telling Laura not to put her necklace in her mouth. Things like that. He shouldn't be doing that. That is my job.

Anyway the party was great. I had a great time. Drunk a lot but not enough to feel sick which was very nice. A left early this morning (1am) to go to Roxby Downs for work. He is back hopefully Saturday night. I miss him. It is funny. He has been txting me on and off all day. He rang me a few hours ago. They had finished work but were going back to work at 8.30pm. He is going to be stuffed when he gets home. He misses me!

It is so hard to believe I have this man in my life that really wants to be with me. Wants to spend the rest of his life with me. So unlike D. I love the attention. I love the fact that it has been over 2 months and things have not changed. A has not changed. He is just himself. I love it.

I went home early from work today. If it had been any other day I wouldn't have even gone in. I feel like crap. I had a cold a couple of weeks ago but not like this. It is horrible. I can't stand up for any length of time. I have slept most of the day. Trying to get a doctors appointment is crazy. I am off to the hospital tomorrow as that is where the surgery's are telling me to go!!!

Part two

So last weekend I spent at A's. Friday night through to Monday morning when I went to work. We did come back to my place to feed the animals and get clean clothes.

It was so nice. First time I had stayed at his place. It was like a little holiday. He of course spoilt me rotten. Cooked me breakfast both Saturday and Sunday morning. He has a king bed. OMG it is massive. I loved it.

This week I have really struggled. Struggled with my insecurities. I guess they hit at about Wednesday. The day before my birthday. A has been working a fair bit. I hadn't seen him since Monday morning and I missed him so much. Mum and dad are away. I really didn't know what was going on with me. But I felt so alone. Like I had no one. A's phone was being stupid again and it was really hard to get him on the phone. Finally after dinner I got him and I was just so depressed and everything was just whirling around in my head. Things like him going to Qld and what if the courts didn't allow me to. Just crap really.

He was home and there were people there. People he works with and friends. Only a couple and that made me feel worse because he has all these people around him and coming for his birthday gathering (as we called it) and I felt I had no one. He knew something was up with me and I was teary but I couldn't tell him. In the end he just said he would call me later in the night. I had a crap evening. Just a sooky one. After thinking he wasn't going to call me back, etc etc. He called me. And he of course just said all the right things. Like I am his partner and should be able to tell him etc. It was nice to hear that. I of course did end up telling him. It was all fine. He cheered me up.

I figured out though why I was like this. It was because of my birthday. It was like no one cared about my birthday. Mum and dad were away. The kids had no clue. Which really is ok because why would they. Even A said to me you know I don't get paid until tonight so you won't get your present until Friday. It was like geez you have known for weeks why did you leave it this long. Typical guy though. I also didn't know if I would see him for my birthday.

But the day turned out fine although a bit crap to start with. Jason, a young, trainee manager at work, whom I get on really well with, did a little birthday jig for me. Made me laugh so much. He also ended up buying me a mud cake at lunch time for me. (only a cheap woolies one but even so it meant alot to me even if it wasn't' intended that way.) A also came in and had lunch with me. Omg it was so good to see him. And he gave me a present. An anklet. (he was spot on with what he got) I went over to his place after work to fix his bloody computer. Honestly those boys really need to rethink what sites they look at. I was very close to saying I couldn't fix it but then more good luck than good management I managed to open a program. Drove me insane though as I just have to fix it. And when I couldn't I hated it.

When he came over to my place later he gave me another present. Perfume. Lol he said he had no clue what else to get me but then thought perfume. Then he had to remember what I already had. I would have love to have seen him trying to find something. He got me Intimacy. Victoria Beckham. It is lovely.

It was a nice night. Relaxing and just enjoying being with each other. And I really really need to remember that this guy wants to be with me so much. As he keeps telling me. He is not going anywhere. I love that so much.

Now to D. This is rather funny. He has basically deleted me out of his life. I think it is a bit funny. He came back on facebook and made some comments. I did a couple of comments back but nothing major. I said to A that I didn't think that I really want him as a friend on there. A said delete him and I was going to but not straight away so it looked awful. Next thing I know he has deleted me. I am all that is so not fair I wanted to do it first lol. So I txt him. Made a joke out of it. But he had even deleted my number as he didnt' know who it was at first. He rang me and we chatted a bit. I can't remember what I said but he then said oh you really hate me now lol. Anyway as the conversation was drawing to a close I said well I won't take it to heart that you have defriended me. He goes oh I knew you wouldn't. I sort of deleted a few people. And that was about all the information I got. Damn it.

When I was with him. He often spoke about some female friends of his and how they all wanted to be with him blah blah. So I am thinking that on facebook he saw all the stuff about A. All the good stuff. And realises that I don't think he is as wonderful anymore and have no desire to be with him now.

The other thing is now how many people are saying they never really liked him. Karen was the first one. She told me that she would tell me the truth about A. As she never really liked D but just never said anything. I did say it wouldn't matter as I would have to find out myself. But like I said to A, I guess it would be doubt in my mind. But so far he made an impression on those from work. So I am not worried. He certainly treats me a lot better than anyone ever has before.

I guess I should go. I think I am out of things to say. Other than Qld is coming up and I can't wait. Very excited.

So much but not much

So really where to begin. How about with how slack I am??? I am shocking I really am. I know I should update etc but then I think I can't be bothered typing it all out. But here I am.

Ok so a month or so ago I tried weed for the first time ever in my whole entire life. A got some from his house mate and I tried it in a pipe. I was so disappointed. Nothing happened. Now the whole idea was for me to be able to experience it so I could say yes I had tried it.

So last Friday I had cookies. We were going out for a work mates birthday. I do not know why I thought to have it before going out. (yes you can see where this is going) Perhaps I thought well it didn't effect me before so no worries this time. Or I just wasn't thinking. I was feeling a bit down about going out. (more on that shortly) A said we have the cookies do you want one. So I said yes. It was my night to have a few to drink. A was driving and he is drinking this weekend. So I was going to get a bit drunk for the first time in ages. Anyway he bags up two cookies for me. Did I mention I was starving? Well I was. So I start munching into this cookie. I finish it before we leave the house. A hasn't paid that much attention as we were shifting cars etc and I finished it while in my car without him. So he just thought I had it in my bag.

We go to pick up Kate and I start on the second one. Which looks like a squashed muffin. It was quite a big one. At this point A says eat them slowly. So our definitions of slowly are different I found out. I just thought he meant don't eat it like you would a normal biscuit. So I slowed down. I finished both cookies in half hour. Found out later that was bad.

We get to the pub and all is cool We are all chatting etc and then they start paying me out that my eyes are glassy etc. But I am still not feeling anything. Thinking woo hoo that was fun...not! Then maybe 10 minutes later (hour after I first ate them) it hit me. I leaned over to Kate and said ok I can feel it now. It was horrible. I grabbed A and said you look after me!! I was so scared that I would have a reaction to it etc. It is really hard to describe what the feeling was like. Like I was drunk I guess but worse. I didn't feel sick. I remember everything and I was aware of what I was doing. But it was weird. Bad weird. I did get the giggles for about 5 minutes and that cracked everyone up. Then we were talking about Kate's drink. Which was very yellow and very lemony! Thankfully no one picked up on it but I couldn't find the word lemon and was using yellow instead. It was at that point that I thought I am not saying or doing anything. I was so scared I would do something wrong. So I just went all quite. At one point Jason came over to talk to me and kept saying why aren't you this quiet at work blah blah. I just didn't want to talk. I just giggled a bit.

We got a meal because I hoped that would help. It didn't. I managed half of it. We were home by 9.15. It was horrible driving home. My neck felt all funny and I thought I was having a bad reaction. I really wanted to close my eyes but if I did I felt woozy. We finally got home and A just put me to bed. He got me a bucket but looking back I was no where close to throwing up. He kept checking on me every 10 minutes or so. I found out later when he got home he rang a friend of his who apparently smokes at least once a week and asked if she had tried the cookies. She had. She only had half and high. So he kept an eye on me. I was fighting off a bit of a cold at the time as well and had taken 2 cold and flu tablets that were really strong but made me drowsy. I had taken two earlier in the day but they really knocked me around so when I was due to take more I only took one but that was about 5 hours before I had the cookies.

It took until about 8pm the next day before I felt normal again. It was weird. I woke up ok. Hungry, but ok. But still just strange. Not normal. So yeah there is my experience with dope. Not one I want to repeat again anytime soon. A said would I try again with just him at home. I may do that but not for a while. A thinks that I am just so sensitive to stuff that that made it worse. Probably true. I am a cheap drunk. Sensitive to medical drugs. So who knows. He was great though really looked after me. And I didn't really cop any flack from work either so that was good. Least I have tried it now.

So that night was a bit blah anyway. Not going to go into it to much but you know how some girls just get all ditzy and do the fake laughs and the boys fall over themselves with their tongues hanging out? Well that is what it was like. A and I were really the oldest ones there and it was really painful. All the boys just go gaga over this girl, and although she is a lovely girl watching her that night was like having nails running down a blackboard. I have never seen her that bad before and it was not good. The best thing though? A didn't like it either. He didn't fall under whatever spell she has with guys. And for that I was truly grateful.

Kate approved of A. We drove her home when we left as well. She had had enough as well. In fact most of them at work think A is a good guy.

Ok I am going to make use of this day and do some washing now. I will continue this with Part two of the update later today I promise.

Fine and dandy

Not much is happening. Well I say that and then usually type away for the next half hour.

Today I had taekwondo state selections. I was doing my poomse. My form. Oh my gosh I was so nervous. Poor A slept here last night and woke to find me a real mess. Freaking out at my kids and just generally being a mess.

He came with us and I even got him to drive my car. It being a ford and all he wasn't that keen. Lol actually I asked and he said yes that is fine straight away. So I did ok. I got pretty good marks even though I stuffed up my second form. Although it was ok. I recovered quick and finished. Something I have never been able to do before. I usually make a mistake and then forget the rest. I did end up with a gold medal only for the simple fact that I was the only one in my division. I feel like I won by default but I have to remember I got a good score.

After the comp we went to baskin and robbins. A loves the cookie dough one. It is funny watching us both eat these things trying to save the dough because is the best bit. Afterwards in the car the kids lost it and started really fighting. I worry so much that he will run because of my kids but he assures me he won't.

I did have my insecurities happen during the week. He didn't txt me and I got so worried as it is so unlike him. But he had his phone disconnected. He gets here though and everything his fine. He says the most amazing things to me. I am his girlfriend and that is how he wants it. So why oh why do I get so insecure when I am not with him. I really want to get over that. I guess one thing is like someone said to me, least I know I do it.I am aware of it and I can work on it. If anyone can offer suggestions I am open to it. I do worry a huge amount that he is not going to stick around. I really want to be able to stop that.

Anyway the reality is that everything is wonderful with A. For all those reasons and then some that I mentioned in that other post. I really hope he does stick around because so far I am liking what I have.

Falling......

So after being here for over a week A has gone home. I am not as bad as I thought I would be. I thought I would really miss him but give me a couple of days!! He was going to go home tomorrow but really needed to get some shit done so went home today instead.

It has been a great week. lol I was just sitting here trying to think what we did last Saturday night but it was nothing!! Friday night he didn't get here till late and we stayed up and watched movies. Then we finally climbed into bed at about 3.30. I left the light on as we were talking. Nice d and m talk lol. Finally A looked at the time and said we may as well stay up and just go out for breakfast. So we talked some more. And slept a little bit. I think we got to Glenelg at about 11.30 and had a yummy breakfast. I then talked A into going to Baskin and Robbins for icecream. He wasn't going to have any due to the fact that he had just had bacon and eggs and the like. Me?..... well...... I have no such thought. If i am in Glenelg I am having icecream. Once we got there and he saw the selection he caved and had some. Lol poor guy though he felt so sick afterwards cos he was so full.

The rest of the week was filled with DVD's and each other's company. We watched the Hurricane. A movie we had both seen when it first came out. I really liked it. That night he came home with the book for me. So so sweet. On Thursday night we went out to Fasta Pasta for dinner and went and saw the Proposal. Both of us really liked it. I love the fact A likes chick flicks.

A has also been cooking quite a bit for me which I of course love. Last night was the best. Silverside. The kids were back for this and they loved it as well. Although the younger two did the whole vegetables yuk thing, of course.

Today we went off to Marion to Intencity. It was a bit boring but the kids had fun. We dropped A off on the way home.

So how was living with him for a week? Thankfully he had mainly day shifts. I was always home before him though. We both still did our own thing when were both home. Me reading my book etc while he watched tv. It was funny though he was watching Merlin and I was in the bedroom reading. In the ads he came looking for me because he missed me. Of course all of this will wear off. And this week away from each other will hopefully be a good thing in absence makes the heart grow fonder. He also needs time to see his friends a bit. He sort of dropped of the friends planet for a week lol and only living on planet Kate.

Anyway my aim this week will be to get over my little insecurities. He really likes me and he said he is falling in love with me. I need to remember that and not worry about any other thoughts that go through my head. I don't understand why those negative thoughts go through my head I really don't. But I refuse to let them in anymore.

the wonderfully, delicously warm fuzzy stuff

He misses me even when I go to just hang the washing out!
I wake up in the night to find his arms around me.
He holds me and tells me I am beautiful.
My kids, in no way, shape or form scare him off.
He makes me laugh with his silliness.
I do not have to pretend at all when I am around him.
He tells me I am sexy when I am in my flannel pjs!
He had flowers delivered to my work for me!
He is happy to just be near me but not necessarily doing the same thing.
He loves chick flicks.
He holds my hand while he drives. (when it is safe to do so lol)
He cooks a lovely lamb roast.
He holds my hand in public as well as putting his arms around me.
He is so very affectionate which is great because I love that.
He is down to earth and is just so easy to get along with.
He is a genuine guy who takes things as they come.
He is happy for me to dag it. ( as he does it as well)
He doesn't drink a huge amount.
He wants to show me off.
He has a great work ethic.
He is not a fighter and doesn't argue.
He pictures me in his future.
He is so calm and confident about us.
Nothing fazes him.
He wants to help me do things around my house. Like mow my lawns and clean out my shed.
He accepts that fact that I am insecure and time will sort that out.
He looks after me.
He opens my car door for me. Not all the time but a lot of the time.
He understands me.
He just accepts the fact I am in his life. No ifs, buts, I am here and he is hanging on to me. (that probably doesn't make sense to most but it does to me)
He totally spoils me rotten.
He still does all those things even after being together over 2 months.



I think I will add to this as things happen!

Just things........

So I am going in the taekwondo competition. Not doing the sparring but the forms. So it is rather exciting but more frightening!!!

I didn't have my surgery, it got cancelled because the surgeon was sick. So I scored two days off in annual leave instead. It was great. A came over after midnight on the Wednesday after he finished work and stayed at my place until Monday morning when we both had to work. Had a great 4 days off. We went to IKEA and a few other places Thursday. Friday I went to breakfast with Keri from work. (different store) Then dropped A at work and went to town to meet Kylie and Wendy. First time I have met them and it was nice to finally meet them.

Saturday I had to work. As did A. Saturday night we went to see Transformers. Which we both really enjoyed. Although the queues etc were awful. We went to Noarlunga first up, then went to Marion but the only seats were basically front row. So back to Noarlunga, where we got our tickets and had dinner than went and sat at the movies until it was half hour to go and then we stood in front of the door waiting along with the rest of the population!! Sunday we slept in for way way to long. Then A did my brakes on my car while I mowed the lawn. Then the wonderful man made me a roast.

I also tried weed for the first time Sunday night. A found out I had never tried so he got some. Thankfully not something he only does rarely but it did nothing for me. I was telling K at work about it and she said I should try a cake she makes. A also said he would make me cookies. Honestly it was pretty gross. It will good to experience the whole stoned thing but once I have that I will be happy!!

Since Thursday I have been driving A's car. Because my brakes were dodgy he basically let me drive it all the time. He is great. The only thing..... yes there is a thing..... my own doubts. Silly silly stuff. I just get so scared that he will toss me aside. Someone better will come along blah blah. All of that. When I am apart I think of all the bad things that could happen so when we are together although on a whole I am good there are still walls up.

I spoke to Raina about it and she suggested it was seeing D again. Which I had seen twice last week but now have no reason to see again. She could be right but consciously I don't think so but perhaps subconsciously? Anyway. I deleted him off Msn and unless he comes into work I won't be seeing him. I am going to write all the good things and reread them whenever I have doubts I will read them. Because I have no reason to doubt him. He is a really good guy who wants to commit. But wants to take it slow.

Not much else is happening really. Kids are still a bit horrid. But they are getting there. Patrick and Laura want to go in the taewkondo comp as well so that is good leverage!! lol

hmmmmm......

Busy busy busy. I have been flat out lately. With mum and dad going away and then dad's birthday party I have been helping them out heaps. I am hoping now things will settle back down.

So things with A are moving along nicely. Slow in many ways and bloody fast in others lol. I don't know how to slow the fast bits down but oh well. He met the kids last week. I called into his place after work and found out that he wasn't working at all so he came back to my place for dinner. Of course the kids were there. It seemed all ok.

I met his mum on Friday!!! Yeah I know. She actually lives in QLD and surprised him by showing up on Tuesday. She went home Saturday so I ended up meeting her and her sister for a hot choc. (A was there as well) Of course she has already come into Dan's and sussed me out. But it was funny though because I guessed it was her!!

A cooked me dinner last night. Spag bog. Geez it was so nice. Really really yummy.

So the interesting gossip. D flew back in yesterday. Today he came into work. Just as I was about to leave. He knows my hours so he had it planned. He looked good, short but good. I do find him attractive. And much more attractive that A. That bothers me. But I don't want D back I really don't. Nothing had changed really. I am sure if I put forth a getting together he would have jumped on it. He is back on the dating site again. I feel for the other girl he hooked up with just before he went away.

But it was good to see him again and I think we will be friends. But that is all it will be as I am not attracted to him in that way anymore. His looks are great but his heart sucks!! He told me he met someone over there blah blah so really nothing has changed.

I have my surgery on Thursday. Kate from work is taking me and A is picking me up because mum and dad go away for 10 weeks tomorrow. A is staying with me as well because I have to have a responsible adult with me for 24 hours. lol. I don't have the kids this weekend so we are spending the weekend together. We are going to see the new transformers movie and he is going my breaks. I enjoy spending time with him and he makes me smile so much. He just treats me so well and wants to be with me and the kids. He blows me away with how keen he is. But it doesn't scare me anymore. He is encouraging the slow going because he knows that is what I want. And really he is happy for it as well.

P got suspended from school Friday. So he has yesterday off school. He told a teacher to F off. Great just great. I was a bit worried it was all tied up with them meeting A but after talking to him I don't think it is. He says he wants me to be with A if it makes me happy. So that was nice to hear. He just needs to control his anger. He is so much like his dad. I guess we just keep working on it.

October and the QLD trip is getting closer. I am getting so excited about it. I can't wait. To catch up with Raina again. To just relax and watch the kids having fun and enjoying themselves. I just can't wait.

My flowers

They have opened up more now.

I held my breath and good things happened

So he was not gone long at all and he did indeed come back. I got drunk on his jager. Lol. We watched movies and went to bed.

We slept late Sunday was well and probably would have stayed there longer if it was not for a friend of his wanting help to move some furniture. So off we went. I met a couple of his friends. One I had already met but nice to meet more. We got saturated as it was pouring with rain. After we did that we stopped off get some fish and chips and then back to his place so he could watch the football. Lol I read my book. But it was nice cuddled up on the couch. Just being together both doing what we like.

He had been having some computer troubles so I helped him sort them out and then we left to take me back home. He had to call into his work so he knew what hours he was working this week. He then let me drive his car. OMG I scared myself. It is a SS commodore. This so does not mean much to me except it is a nice car. Anyway. I was driving very carefully and we got to traffic lights and he told me to go for it. I did and the car went and then it went again it felt like. I screamed shit and took my foot off. Mean while A is just killing himself laughing!!!

So all in all a very good weekend. I am going to be seeing him briefly on Thursday after work and then he is going to meet the kids on Sunday. I figure if he is going to help me out when I have my surgery then he may as well meet the kids. Of course I just informed him that I am cooking so if my kids don't scare him off my cooking will. lol

Ok off to the shops and swimming. I will put up a photo of my flowers later.

Flowers.....

I got flowers.....delivered to work. From A. So nice. I was so surprised. It was lovely.

Last night we went to the central markets. It was a great night. We got some cheeses, kabana, sun dried tomato's etc. We grabbed a couple of DVD's from the shop on the way home and had a nice night at home as well. He ended up staying the night. Nothing happened just kisses and cuddles. We ended up staying in bed until just after 3 in the afternoon. Talk about nice. He left a few hours ago to go to a party but said he may ring and come back later. Not holding my breath though. Once he is at his party he may not feel like driving all the way back up here.

I really enjoy his company. I really do. He has the greatest heart and will do just about anything for me with is nice. Thing is I don't find him as attractive as D. Really so not someone I am attracted to. He is a tad hairy.Having said that he is certainly attractive. But he is the lovelest man I have met. And that is what matters.

My surgery has been made for a week on than what it was. Of course mum and dad will be away. So it will be a taxi job and then me picking the kids up after I get home. However, I was talking to A about it and he mentioned that he would be there for me so I may just take him up on it if he is willing to go the whole hog.

I am thinking about asking him to Dad's 60th party. Of course it is a cruel thing to throw him in the deep end like that but he can say no. lol.

Love it when I am right.

Patrick's birthday yesterday. He is 12. He is lucky to be alive to see those figures. Seriously his behaviour is horrible. I am running out of ways to try and help him change it.

Yesterday A came over. It was after the kids had gone to Matt's. And yes the play fighting turned into the kiss. Lol Knew it. And kissing a guy with facial hair isn't that bad after all. No beard rash like you get kissing a guy with day old stubble.

Anyway we eventually went to dinner and movies. Wolverine. Nice nice eye candy. What more can I say really. Arms. Mmmmmm

After the movie we came back to my place and more kissing lol. I really wanted him to stay. I really did. Was just cuddling on the couch and I was falling asleep. It was just so nice. Of course then the kissing would start again. But he was good. Lol Although I had no intention of it going further than a bit of hand wandering and kisses I really did want him to stay. I was so tired I just wanted cuddles and to fall asleep. But he did the gentlemanly thing and left albeit reluctantly. Lol. If I had had it my way he would have stayed. So he certainly gets points for that. Lots of points.

Again I will rave about how nice he is. Just nice. No other word really. Ok respectful and nice. Lol.I feel like he would just about do anything for me and although I know he is really keen he is happy to take is slow just as much as I am. Unlike other people I could mention he is happy to put his arms around me in public. Unlike others who were always worried that we would be seen as a couple if anything like that happened. He wants the whole bit. But happy to take it slow and make sure it is all ok.

So we will see.

Mum and dad go away in a couple of weeks. They are going to be gone for about 8 weeks. In a way I am glad as it will give us all a break away. I don't have to feel so totally indebted to them for looking after my kids etc. Yet it will be hard without them. Especially I go in for the day surgery on the 25th now not the 18th.

I really want to go and see Raina in the school holidays. But I really don't think I am going to be able to still but it is on my mind constantly. I want to be able to be there and just sit and hang out with her and we can both off load and be ourselves and enjoy it. Although I have met her once I class Raina as one of my closest friends. Certainly one I talk to more than any of my other friends. Not that there really is that many. But I wish we lived closer so we can be there for each other when shit hits the fan and we need a shoulder. Life really is sucky sometimes.

Onward and upwards?

Friday night A came over again. He txt me during the day asking me if he could. He did on the previso that the kids were well and truly in bed. They did show their face during the night but didn't see who it was. I lied. Bad mum and just said it was G. Anyway it was a nice night again. We watched Elizabeth Town. I love the fact he likes chick flicks. It was his movie that he brought over lol.

No moves made again and the bloody anticipation is going to kill me when I see him next. Lol. We have this bit of a joke going on at the moment about me taking him down with my taekwondo. So we had a little bit of game on that night. But as there were kids in the house and I was laughing so much we stopped. It was fun though. I haven't laughed that much in a while. So the game will be on again at some other point. Of course the good old play fight turning into a kiss. Shall we take bets as to that is what is going to happen? I am seeing him tomorrow. I will let you know lol

I had my appraisal at work Friday. I have been a little worried about it as although I know the store manager is happy with me, the service manager and I do not get along that well. But it was all great. I got exceed in lots of parts. Which from what I gather doesn't happen much. It was also said that I am the next trainee manager to come out of the store. So on the road to that I will be learning more things. Including payroll. Lol should be interesting.

Been having heaps of problems with Patrick lately. We are close to our breaking point with him. He is such a lying, horrible shit. Who has to have his nose in everything. He is rude and will not lift a finger to help. Yet expects everything to be done for him. He is constantly ripping into the other kids and is so rude and disrespectful to his teachers.

We have really started to crack down on what he is allowed to do. So things like runescape, swimming and soccer are on the cards to be taken away. It is his birthday tomorrow. 12. If he lives that long of course.

Laura had a taekwondo comp yesterday. She shocked everyone with how good she was. She beat a blue belt and a red belt. That is higher than I am. Very proud of her.

Rest of the weekend......

So...... I had a date Saturday night. Well it was actually just a meet for a hot drink. Then that hot drink turned into dinner and then a walk and then a drive.......

He so isn't someone I would normally go for. He has facial hair. Never been out with someone who has facial hair. He is a big guy as well. Just average weight wise but a big built guy. (he has a hair chest as well. Not that I have really seen it but...... not that keen on that lol)

Anyway he is just the nicest guy, he really is. So easy to talk to, makes me laugh. He is just a big softy. He likes a lot of chick flicks as well which is good. He loves his car and is right into his sports. Football etc. So not me. lol After we had finished our hot choc and coffee and had sat for a while talking the waitress asked if we wanted menus for dinner. So we did that. The we sat talking for a while more. Then went for a walk. Freezing but nice. We went to the end of the jetty and stayed there for ages just yacking. (reminded me of D as that is where we went as well on our first date) After that we walked back to the cars. Neither one of us wanted to end it but not really knowing what to do either. lol. So in the end we went for a drive. While we were driving up the esplanade he told me about this coffee shop Spats near the city that he had heard about but never been. I had been there about 15 years ago. So off we went.

We couldn't believe how packed it was. So popular. We had to wait for a sit but not to long and the whole time we were there there was just people waiting to be seated. It was really nice.

Then we went for another drive to all the hot spots of Adelaide lol. So Rundle St, Hindley st and Glenelg, and made our way home. It was so cosy in his car though. Nice leather seats, we had great one hit wonder songs on. Seriously though if he had to go any further I would have fallen asleep. I was just so cosy lol

So as Raina would say no octopus arms. He was the perfect gentleman and it was such a great night.

Yesterday morning I got a call from Karen (it was her birthday) saying that they were having a bonfire etc and did I want to come. I was supposed to be meeting G and then going to mum and dad's for tea. So bit ticked I would miss it. So then I get a txt from G cancelling on me. I give up on him now. Sick of it. I know he has got heaps of shit to deal with. (haven't gone into it on here and won't be.) But even so. Anyway long story short I went out to Karen's.

Had the best afternoon. The bbq'ed lamb was yum. We just had it in rolls with gravy. It was their own sheep and it was delicious. I had a ride on one of the bikes. Shane took me. OMG how scary and fun all at once. He did a wheelie with me on the back and just went flat out. Then he said want to go again of course I said yes. lol Surprised they couldn't hear me at teh bottom of the hill.

Later on that night I was chatting to A on the net and I mentioned that I was going to watch The Holiday. I had only seen it the once ages ago. He said I wish I was there, I love that movie. So I invited him over. Again another great time. I got a bit happy with my southern comfort. But not to bad. He ended up staying until about 1am. Again the perfect gentleman. I got a kiss on the cheek when he arrived and a hug when he left. lol. But it is there, the build up to something lol. I am liking the build up. Normally I don't. But the flirting was there etc.

I blogged about a guy a couple of years back who just never made a move. He lived to far away and after a couple of dates I called it quits. It just wasn't happening. This is the first time in a long time I have not had a guy try something on the first date let alone the second. But it is there. I know it is and that's what makes it different from this other guy. There was no flirting with that other guy. So now I am wanting the move to be made hehehehe.

I txt him this morning but didn't get a reply and that worried me. Me being me I worry to much about the little things. I need to stop that. Anyway he finally replied tonight with a lovely txt that made me smile and had the little innuendos in it as well that relate back to the flirting etc that went on last night.

So I have a smile on my face. (apart from the kids fighting) And we will see where this one leads. I still miss D so much but it is nice to know that that is getting easier though. In a way I am not looking forward to him coming back but I still have 3 more weeks before that happens.

My weight is continuing to drop. It is amazing what happens when you do not continually stuff your face with food. Of course today has been one of those days where i have not been hungry at all because I have done nothing but EAT!!! Oh well tomorrow is another day and I know if I am sensible today won't matter. And if I am sensible all week by Friday I may just see the 70 something. Now that has not happened in many years!!

Now I am off to get the kids organised for bed so I can head to bed myself. 4 hours sleep last night is not a good thing for me.

Some things just do not change...

Ok so for a bit of background as I don't know how much I have mentioned. Shit for brains, has a girlfriend. A. The kids for a little while have commented that SFB has changed. They have enjoyed going around there a bit more. And things seemed better.

Lol well that was short lived. Patrick has a party to go to on Saturday. The kids are at SFB house this weekend. The party is from 3-7 and Patrick really wants to go as this I think is his girlfriend. Anyway. SFB is seeing a lot of this A girl. They go to her house all the time. The kids are bored brainless and SFB makes the kids do the dishes at this woman's house all the time after dinner etc.

So apparently there is a thing SFB wants to go to which starts at 7 which means they have to leave at 6. SFB originally suggested that I take Patrick. Which meant of course that he would have to spent the night with me. But SFB wants him back at his house at 9 the next morning. Who cares about my plans or that I may want to sleep in. Anyway after basically talking to SFB and having him be rude to me I said to Patrick I couldn't do it. He understood.

So the next thing was that Mum and dad offered to take Patrick to the party and then drop him off at Maccas at 5.30. So Patrick could still go to some of the party and SFB could still go to his thing. Patrick asked him about it but he went off basically saying no they were going straight after soccer so SFB could see A. Patrick went off back and said you always see her. You say you put us first but you don't really. SFB sprouted all the stuff back out again. How I poisoned the dog. (of course I didn't) and that why couldn't I take Patrick to the party. Blah blah. He went off at Lachlan and Laura because they stood up for me.

Anyway. SFB decided to take them down to the beach after he picked them up from OSCH. 5.00pm so he could go fishing. It is freezing here. Even colder right on the beach. I get a phone call from Patrick at about 5.20pm. (I don't know all of this yet) He has ticked off from SFB and needs me to pick him up. I go to one part of the beach but because of the dates can't drive on that one anymore. So I go up to Silver Sands which is where SFB has parked. I didn't realise he would be so close to the entrance and he sees me. I drive off still talking to Patrick on the phone. Long story short. I eventually find him. After SFB caught up to me. But I got in my car quick. (which in a way was sad as I am just waiting for a chance to hurt him lol)

So I drive to Mum and Dad's because I know SFB will go to my place. He eventually calls me and asks what is Patrick doing staying or going back to his place. So I have Patrick with me now. I am not impressed but he couldn't go back to SFB tonight. He really was scared to. He said by Sunday it won't be as fresh in SFB mind. How sad is that?

My sleep in is down the drain. Soccer is at 9.00. Have to be there by 8.30. So I guess we will leave here at about 8.00 maybe a bit before. Fantastic.

I now have a date as well Saturday. Patrick has his party at 3. Mum and dad have said they will have him overnight. So I am meeting this guy at 3.30. For coffee. If it goes well as he put it we will progress to dinner and wine. lol. We shall see. Mum and dad are taking Patrick to Macs at 9 on Sunday morning.

This all just sucks. He is such a dick. The kids are over going to A's. That is all they do. The kids just watch TV or do the dishes or clean. At her house! I did tell them that sometimes he would want to be with her and not do much. Just spend time with A. But they say it is all the time. Not like D and I who did stuff with the kids. We went out. Or if he was here they would be included for some of it. Of course there were times where we did just want and did have our time. But for the most part we did stuff with the kids. That is not happening with SFB and A.

Who knows what will happen. This is the second weekend in a row of his that I have had one of the kids. Last time it was taking Lachlan to soccer because SFB didn't want to drive so far.

I am over it. I wasn't looking forward to a boring weekend. So I guess now it isn't.

And yes he will now be called SFB because I think it is fitting.

It is going down.......

I am hitting the 71's. I am a tad pleased about that!!!

Soccer today. Just taken Lachlan over to the school. They may actually win. They had scored 2 goals in the first half. I have come home now to kick the other two up the bum as Patrick has soccer over at McClaren Flat. It is a cup match so hopefully they will do well.

Later on I am taking the younger two to see Night at the Museum. Patrick isn't going because of his behaviour this week. I hope this works as I feel really guilty. But I have always said if this continues this won't happen etc etc but with the big stuff never done it. So now it is getting serious.

I was chatting to two guys last night and will probably be seeing both Monday. I have a date with one Monday night. S. And A says he is coming into work Monday morning. They are both very different guys and I am nervous as all get out as normal. S is a nice guy who is clean cut and a tad on the reserved side from what I can gather. A is a bit more out there but really nice. Bit of a dag. Bit rougher for the want of better words.

D has been in contact. Albeit just to forward funny emails to me. But least it means he is actually still talking to me. Who knows what will happen when he comes back. I miss him so much it hurts. So it is nice to know that we can still be friends. I guess that is why I am a worrying about these guys as well. I want something so bad I really want to meet someone and have what I had with D. Now I know it can happen. I fall so easily as well which just opens me up for heartache.

I thank Raina though. We have been talking so much and I know that if she wasn't around I would be feeling lonely and depressed all the time. It really is amazing what a good friend who is there for you can do. My life is so different from a year ago. Even with missing D and feeling that hurt. I am not back to where I was before I met him. I am thankful for that.

Qld is booked. I can't wait. Really really can't wait. It just seems so far away.